I feel like an abortion i chose to have is a bereavement.

(50 Posts)
bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 12:44:18

I feel totally traumatized. I left an abusive relationship that ended in a serious assault and conviction just before christmas, found out i was pregnant and had an abortion two weeks after. Now months on i am hart broken but totally aware that to morn an abortion is ridiculas, especially as i have always been so pro choice and a beliver that at an early stage it is a group of cells being desroyed and nothing else.

Before the final assault i was desperte for anouther baby and now i am hart broken beyond reason.

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 12:44:49

sorry for typos im missing kys on my board

DinahMoHum Wed 29-Feb-12 12:47:06

big hugs to you. Everyone deals with things in their own way, and i think its probably a culmination of all sorts of things you are grieving. The end of a traumatic and abusive relationship, and the fact that you actually wanted a baby, and felt forced into an abortion by the awful circumstances, is BOUND to affect you.
I would suggest maybe you speak to your doctor and try and get some counselling.
You cant erase the past, you can only try and come to terms with it x

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 12:49:28

Oh, i am so sorry for your loss - you must have been in a terrible place. If you don't mind, im going to report this thread because i dont think AIBU is the place for it. FWIW i consider myself to be pro-life, but i honestly think you did what you had to do, please try and find some peace with yourself and get some counselling maybe sad So very sorry

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 12:55:54

But were shouldit be? my point is tht it cant go in bereavement, that would be a massive insult to evryone else

kitty4paws Wed 29-Feb-12 12:57:31

I rarely post but on MN but on this topic ( and I am pro-life) I feel you need all the support you can get.

you did what was right for you in terrible, terrible circumstances, of course you are going to be affected and you will grieve, for all sorts of reasons.

Please talk to your gp, get some councelling (sp).

I am so very sorry for all that you have been through.

I hope you only recieve support here.

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 12:57:51

But it IS a bereavement, i dont think anyone else would see it otherwise. Have you managed to get any counselling?

chinam Wed 29-Feb-12 13:10:56

I also agree that it is a bereavement and it is perfectly natural that you would be going through this grieving process. Maybe have the thread moved to relationships if you don't feel comfortable with having it in bereavement.

SardineQueen Wed 29-Feb-12 13:16:23

There is no "wrong" or "right" way to feel about things like this.

If you feel a bereavement then you feel a bereavement and so it is right for you to mourn. It sounds like you have been through a terrible time.

I think you will get a much more sensitive response in Relationships so having teh post over there would be better.

Flimflammery Wed 29-Feb-12 13:24:09

You feel what you feel, it's not ridiculous. Maybe you're mourning what might have been, as well as feeling the trauma of your relationship ending and the attack. You've been through a lot, be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling.

WorraLiberty Wed 29-Feb-12 13:28:22

I second what Flimflammery said

You have my sympathies OP sad

EnglishEponine Wed 29-Feb-12 13:43:42

YANBU at all. It's been over a year since I did the same thing and not a day goes by that I don't think of all the 'what ifs'. Don't punish yourself for having natural human feelings for your loss.

EmmaCate Wed 29-Feb-12 13:47:41

YANBU. It is a bereavement, even if it was your decision. Sometimes you can feel forced into things like that and feel it is the logical thing to do, but you can't change how you'll feel when you see children later and think what might have been.

I hope you feel better soon sad

ElizaDooFuckAll Wed 29-Feb-12 13:48:11

I spent 6 years mourning my (right) choice. You need to grieve. You are very brave x

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 17:35:34

Thank you all. I really don't care were the thread is but its obviously bothering some people. I genuinely wanted to know if I was being unreasonable, it was my decision and one i have up untill now been fairly blase about. My close friend recently lost a a baby just after it was born so tbh i feel totally selfish mourning something that was never close to being. People go through far worse, it feels like it should be really rather petty and unimportant but for some reason it isn't at all. I guess i feel like the decision was taken out of my hands and ex p has been totally vile, his exact words were ''kill it''. And i still miss him. WTF????

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 17:37:04

I cant grieve as it all happened so close to Christmas i confided in one person, no one else knows, i have a son i cant mourn but i am deep down so sad.

Callisto Wed 29-Feb-12 17:45:01

Not at all unreasonable. I still quietly mourn the baby I aborted 15 years ago, but it was the right decision at the time and so I try not to feel guilty or regretful.

I do think counselling would help you to come to terms with the whole tangle of your emotions right now, but I see no reason why you can't post for support in Bereavements, or you could try Relationships. Good luck and stay strong.

troisgarcons Wed 29-Feb-12 17:51:52

Oh sweetheart, you've found your self in an awful situation and you've done what was right at the time.

Please please do get some councelling. And yes, it is a berevement.

WilsonFrickett Wed 29-Feb-12 17:57:30

Sweetheart, just because you made the right decision for yourself and your circumstances at that time, it doesn't mean that it was a decision you wanted to have to make. You were being abused, you weren't getting any support from your P, your head was totally effed up. There was nothing else you could have done. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

And tbh it sounds like the first 'fug' of getting over your abusive relationship has cleared a bit and you're really only just starting to come to terms with the termination for the first time. Please try and get some counselling. And please use your energy to try and heal, not to judge yourself for very normal feelings.

I wish I could reach through my pc and give you a giant hug.

SardineQueen Wed 29-Feb-12 18:02:20

I am glad the responses here have been sensitive, I think people were worried as you know what AIBU can be like.

And YAdefinitelyNBU

KatMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 29-Feb-12 18:08:24

Hi there, we've moved this into Ethical Dilemmas. We hope you continue to get the advice and support you need. thanks

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 19:26:28

bristolcities, i am with sardine on this, i did report the thread as AIBU threads can just turn so nasty and you don't need that. I echo everyone else here who has nothing but sympathy for you, such a terrible time for you. Be kind to yourself and stay strong xx

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 19:52:35

i think maybe i wanted a bit of back lash, dunno why, yes my head is fucked up, massively. I have tried to have counselling for the DV but i have drawn a blank. Its not that readily available. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks but that is ridiculous. I am morning an idea, that's all. Thank you all for your kind response i am really grateful, just not sure how to show it and seem to sped most of my time feeling angry.

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 19:57:06

and FYI this was never and will never be an ethical dilemma! I am 100% sure that abortion is a personal choice and a woman's right, i just had no idea how much it hurts.

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 19:58:27

You do not need to punish yourself for what has happened. You were in an impossible situation from what you say it sounds like you had no choice sad I wish i could help, i really do - FWIW, i have a friend who was in a very similar position to yours, a good many years ago, DV and termination. She has always mourned to be fair, but she did go on to find happiness with a lovely man. You are absolutely entitled to counselling - please go and talk to your GP, it might be that there is a waiting list but at least its a start. You have done nothing wrong!

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 19:59:49

no, i dont really see it as an ethical dilemma either, maybe chat would have been a better place for it? just not AIBU

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 20:11:39

Thankyou, i have been carrying this around with me for months and bar watching every single program i can about baby's this is the closest i have come to counselling or even just talking about it. xxxx

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 20:19:07

you need to stop punishing yourself - what your partner did to you was NOT your fault, and what you had to do was NOT your fault. Please please please go to your GP and insist on counselling. Im am very wary of saying the wrong thing and making things worse for you. You need to talk to someone who will enable you to get this all out and is trained to help you come to terms with your own feelings xxx

Ambrosius Wed 29-Feb-12 20:42:58

YANBU I still mourn the pregnancy I terminated 6 years ago. But I know it was the right thing to do. It is a bereavement. ((hugs))
MNHQ I find it pretty upsetting and insensitive that this thread in 'ethical dilemmas'

TCOB Wed 29-Feb-12 20:50:15

I still mourn mine of eleven years ago and think each year of when that child's birthday would have been. I remain totally pro-choice (without it I may have been a vicitim of some back-street butcher) but for me, my abortion was the greatest (necessary) sadness of my life so far. I hope hearing this helps you bristol - you have every right to mourn because sad things have happened. I have never dealt with what I did and I regret that bitterly - I wish you all the help and courage in the world and please remember - you didn't make your circumstances shit, and you have the right to to grieve that they were.

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 21:25:03

Thank you so much all of you. Yes it all helps hugely! The shared experiences are fantastic. And yes i to think putting it heat is entirely insensative. Thank you all again so much. I will see my GP and hope they are more helpful this time. X x x

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 21:27:25

I know it was only a group of cells, but i want my baby. X

SardineQueen Wed 29-Feb-12 21:40:15

Definitely not an ethical dilemma confused

Are there any organisations you could call to talk with, who could maybe help? Just thinking that there are all sorts of helplines for all sorts of things that there must be one that you would be able to talk to about your bereavement and the situation you were in.

Does anyone on the thread have any ideas?

I really feel for you, I really do. I wish I could do something or say something to make it better but obviously I can't.

SardineQueen Wed 29-Feb-12 21:44:42

What about your parents, your mum, can you talk to them?
Any other friends you could talk to?

Can you do something like, I don't know, plant a tree or have a candle or something to release some of the sadness and remember him? I don't know I have no experience of this I just feel how terrible you feel and I wish I could help.

WilsonFrickett Thu 01-Mar-12 10:16:18

I think TCOB's phrase of this being 'a necessary sadness' is a really good one OP. You made the right choice (necessary) but it is still sad, sad, sad.

Anyway, I just popped in to see how you were feeling today and to maybe nag you a bit about going to see the GP, or calling Women's Aid maybe? I know they provide counselling for DV and I'm guessing your situation won't be that unusual. Let us know how you are x

bristolcities Thu 01-Mar-12 12:24:58

Hello smile i have spoken to women's aid, i went for an initial meeting then expected a follow up call but nothing. I will try again. I haven't really told any one that im really close to. I just feel that i have put everyone through so much with this relationship already that for fear of sounding like a drama addict its best left. Hence why it was all so secret that id rove my self to and from the clinic and went to work that evening.

WilsonFrickett Thu 01-Mar-12 17:49:30

Oh sweetheart, please try again. They're really stretched and sometimes a phone call can be forgotten, you know? You need to talk in RL in a safe space. No harm in keeping it private from friends though if you feel that's what you want to do, but you do need to talk to someone I think.

SardineQueen Thu 01-Mar-12 18:41:35

Yes please do call them smile

Jellykat Thu 01-Mar-12 19:27:02

Agree, please call WA again, as Wilson said they're really stretched.

I had a termination 25 years ago, it feels like yesterday, i still remember crying as soon as i came around from the GA, as did the lady next to me, and i hadn't been through what you've been through as well.

I really can't see how anyone would think you are being a drama addict, you need to let it out, how you are feeling is completely justified and very important, please ring WA tomorrow and keep posting x

ZillionChocolate Thu 01-Mar-12 22:41:33

Definitely try and get some real life support. You shouldn't be dealing with this alone.

HandMadeTail Thu 01-Mar-12 22:50:33

You don't get lots of time to make a decision about a termination. You made the best choice at the time. It's fine to grieve, and you have every right to do so. Do see if you can get counselling. And look at how many people are sympathising with you. You are a good person, and some bad things have happened to you. All the very best to you. Xxx

SardineQueen Fri 02-Mar-12 19:10:20

Just posting to say hello and I hope you are OK smile

duchesse Fri 02-Mar-12 19:19:56

In your situation there were so many extremely valid reasons to terminate. You should not ever ever feel guilty about doing it.

Emotionally of course it is harder to recover. Even from a hormonal point of view you will not yet be back to normal. I second the advice to get some RL counselling that will be more tailor-made to you and your circumstances and I wish you well in your recovery. You are also of course recovering from being in an abusive relationship, which will take time. May your recovery be as swift as possible.

wearenotinkansas Fri 02-Mar-12 22:10:43

you might find this site of help.

http://www.afterabortion.com/

SardineQueen Fri 02-Mar-12 22:38:40

That site looks helpful smile

It is a US one though so there are some cultural differences but it looks like a helpful kind site.

OP maybe talking with people who feel similarly might help?

SardineQueen Fri 02-Mar-12 22:40:19

link to wearenotinkansas link

remember it's american so there is talk about religious aspect but their stance and ideas are very neutral from a quick scan through.

SardineQueen Fri 02-Mar-12 22:41:01

As in, they say in US if you have an abortion there is religious aspect etc but the site itself looks neutral and helpful smile

differentnameforthis Fri 02-Mar-12 22:53:51

Of course you can grieve & mourn. In fact, I think you must, because you obviously need to.

I had a termination a few years ago, and I would say that you go through a grieving process of sorts. I did what I knew was right & I have no regrets. But it was still a hard process to go through! And same as you, I am pro choice etc. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, didn't bother me to have to do it. Some people think that being pro choice means we enjoy hearing about/having.encouraging women to have terminations, but that obviously isn't true. We just believe that a woman is allowed to decide if it is her best option. And it also means that we can support those who do take that option!

I have no idea if what I am trying to say is coming out as I want it to. In short, just because you are pro choice, doesn't mean that you can't grieve for your baby/pregnancy. Being pro choice doesn't negate those feelings.

I was told (by a friend) that perhaps explaining to the baby I didn't have, why I did it. And to say goodbye. Now, I know that may sound daft, especially to those that don't believe in all that stuff, but it helped me. Maybe it was the saying it out loud, maybe it was 'talking' to my child that never was,...I don't know, but in some way it helped.

No one has any right to tell you what to feel, so if you feel grief, grieve. Holding onto such a strong emotion isn't going to help you! If you don't want your little lad to see you upset, when he is asleep, have some private time & do what you need to do to get you through this.

chipmonkey Fri 02-Mar-12 22:56:56

FWIW, my baby died when she was 7 weeks old and I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling that you are grieving too. You have been through a terrible ordeal and are grieving a baby you couldn't bring into the world. You really didn't have a choice, did you? Please be kind to yourself.

bristolcities Sat 03-Mar-12 13:17:56

so sorry i haven't been back. It's hard to read people being nice, mainly because i find sympathy very tricky and too real, guess that's part of the reason i haven't told any one in RL. You are all fantastic and i think even just having typed the words and read your responses may have help, actually i know it really has. Thank you all so much. And yes I totally agree being pro-choice for me simply means that a women should never be denied the chance to make informed choices, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. But im am surprises by how much it does hurt. xxxx

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