I want to know my adopted husband's (bio) family

(58 Posts)
EllipticalEggs Wed 29-Jun-16 11:48:14

But he doesn't. He doesnt feel like they matter to him at all, he doesn't ponder they might be or have any desire to find them. I, on the other hand, spend quite a lot of time wondering who they are. It bothers me hugely that my son could walk past his grandmother, grandfather or aunt (because I know my husband has an older sister, other than his adoptive family) and not know them. When my son is naughty he looks like one of my older brothers and when he's scared he looks so much like my younger brother. This has made me even more keen to meet them, or at least try, because I don't think genetic inheritance is worth nothing. I understand if he doesn't want to meet them, though when we've talked about it he doesn't say that, just that he doesn't care either way and so is not prepared to make any effort toward it happening. I think that might be him covering a fear of rejection but can't say that to him without causing offence. Would it be wrong for me to ask him to meet with his adoption agency and get his file?

enjoyingscience Wed 29-Jun-16 11:50:45

Gosh, you really have to respect his wishes. I understand your curiosity, but this is not something you have any ownership over.

TheWildRumpyPumpus Wed 29-Jun-16 11:54:13

Seriously?

This isn't your decision to make.

I was given up for adoption as a baby. If DH tried to force a relationship with my birth family, I'd seriously think about ending our marriage.

As it happens, I have met my birth mother. She pushed for it once I'd made contact, then pretty much dropped me again.

mamalovesmojitos Wed 29-Jun-16 12:04:52

It would be wrong to pressure your dh into doing what you want. He doesn't want to get in touch with his biological family. They are not important to him. What's important is his actual family in front of him! So you'll have to let it go.

In any case, things don't always go well when you find your biological family. So, maybe he wants to let sleeping dogs lie.

MardyGrave Wed 29-Jun-16 12:08:15

You can be mildly curious, but you have no right to ask for what it is you think you want.

EllipticalEggs Wed 29-Jun-16 12:11:38

Ownership is an interesting choice of word. I hadnt thought of in those terms at all, but now that you've said it perhaps there is an element of that since we had a child, I feel like that information should be available to him should he want it when he's older and like I have a responsibility to try to get I'd for him (though I am aware that it actually lies solely with his Dad). I'm describing my feelings here, not actions or thought through intentions.
Also, I'm not pushing the subject at all, let alone for a relationship! We haven't discussed this for a really long time, years probably but the desire has only gotten stronger for me since we had a child. I'm not even suggesting contact (actually I'm not suggesting anything to him at all, I'm asking mumsnet), I just want him ( us)to have the file for now.

titchy Wed 29-Jun-16 12:14:02

Would it be wrong?! You have to ask? shock Seriously? It would be shockingly wrong and if my dh did that to me he'd no longer be married.

What you are suggesting is so arrogant and disrespectful it's beyond belief. Since when does your nosiness trump his wish to not go through the trauma of seeking his birth family?

Besides which the agency would tell you to take a running jump.

Jackie0 Wed 29-Jun-16 12:14:09

As an adoptee myself please believe me when I say this is totally and completely inappropriate .
This is your husband's issue not yours and you're being really selfish.
He has every right to feel as he does and act as he wishes with regard to this , and you don't understand because you are not an adoptee, you might empathise, although you don't appear to be empathising right now but you really don't get it so leave it alone.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Wed 29-Jun-16 12:19:20

No it's his choice. You get no say

My Dp is adopted, we have two sons. Our teen has a devastating genetic condition and I'd love to research the lines to see if there's any others with it (none on mine) but I understand that my boyfriend wants nothing and no info.

It's not my place to get involved at all and from talking to others from his old Children's home the information isn't always a good thing, from bad reunions to shake mental health after finding things out there's very few happy outcomes to be honest.

chipsandpeas Wed 29-Jun-16 12:20:50

if my partner ever done this to me against my wishes i would be leaving this, its completely overstepping the bounaries, its not your decision

plus surely you wouldnt be able to rock up to the adoption agency and get his file without his consent anyway

TheWildRumpyPumpus Wed 29-Jun-16 12:21:10

Do you have a relationship with DHs parents and the wider adoptive family?

THEY are your son's family. Not some mystical figure you know nothing about.

My siblings are also adopted - one was taken away from neglectful parents and the other was a product of rape. My own mother gave me away because I was mixed-race and her parents disapproved.

There are many reasons not to open the Pandora's box of adoption. There won't be some romantic tale to feed to your son.

ClassicCoast Wed 29-Jun-16 12:21:47

Your child doesn't have aunties or grandparents he could walk by. There is no legal relationship, nothing built on contact or from trust. There would be no reason for you or your child to feel any more at ease with them than you would with the next three people you pass.

Whether your dh doesn't care or doesn't want the hurt that can and often does come with searching then that is valid. It can be a hugely difficult or disruptive experience for the adoptee and their (adopted)family.

I think you would be hugely unreasonable to try and lead on this. Most useful genetic stuff will come from your dh and if there was known family health info then it would often have been passed on. Many of us don't have anything much to put on a family history section.

PurpleDaisies Wed 29-Jun-16 12:25:08

I just want him ( us)to have the file for now.

No you don't-you want the file.

Respect your husband's decision. This is absolutely nothing at all to do with you.

CalypsoValdez Wed 29-Jun-16 12:28:46

This isn't your choice to make.

WannaBe Wed 29-Jun-16 12:31:51

They're not his family. He has a family, the parents who brought him up, the grandparents and siblings who he grew up with. Biology does not a family make.

Programmes like long lost families have a lot to answer for, because on the whole tracking down biological family is fraught with heartache, realisations which one wasn't prepared for and rejection.

Where he comes from biologically is none of your business.

PurpleDaisies Wed 29-Jun-16 12:36:14

Programmes like long lost families have a lot to answer for, because on the whole tracking down biological family is fraught with heartache, realisations which one wasn't prepared for and rejection.

Agreed. Finding Dory is also spectacularly unhelpful. The op seems to have a very romantic view of what might happen if they were to meet the husband's biological parents.

WannaBe Wed 29-Jun-16 12:54:08

IMO sometimes people who grew up in a close and happy family find it hard to see that this is not the case for everyone. If there is an older sister then it stands to reason that this wasn't a case of a young girl getting pregnant in the 60's and having to do what society expected of her back then - there will be far more complex reasons why the OP's DH was adopted. He may not even have been given up - he may have been removed at birth or taken into care afterwards. The grandparents the OP is desperate for her child to know may be child abusers or violent. The possibilities are endless, and the majority of reasons for children being adopted have a story of neglect, rejection and sadness behind them.

My DP wasn't adopted but grew up in long-term foster care. Unlike the OP though I do know the circumstances. And although we don't have children together if we did there is no way I would want them to know anything about his bio parents. And the bastards had better hope they don't ever meet me down a dark alley.

RebelRogue Wed 29-Jun-16 13:36:41

A

RebelRogue Wed 29-Jun-16 13:40:17

Me:just found out i'm adopted
Oh: jesus are you ok? What do you want to do about it?
Me:nothing really
Oh: would you like to find your bio mum?
Me: nope.i don't care and don't see the point of it.
Oh: OK

JessicaRabbit3 Wed 29-Jun-16 13:44:50

biscuit your DS and your own desires do not trump your DH. He has a right not to seek them out. Don't go opening a can of worms OP you might not like the consequences.

EllipticalEggs Wed 29-Jun-16 13:48:41

Actually I know quite a lot about the circumstances of his adoption already, I'm not hoping for a fairy tale and I wouldn't dream of asking him to contact them (it bothers me massively that I can't know them, and I'm not talking about having a a wonderful fairytale relationship, just a hello, this is who he grew up to be, he's ok, hope your life has been ok too - quite possibly in letter form. I don't know really, I try not to spend time thinking about how this scenerio goes because my husband isn't interested in it and although I would love to be able to put out tendrils of contact I know it's not on the cards and so I do try to bury this desire deep. I've been keeping it at bay for 10 years and will continue to do so, a bit did sneak out though when I was typing my OP. ) I was asking would it be very wrong for me to ask him to consider getting the file. I possibly didn't work that too clearly but I wasn't suggesting that I go and storm the agency and demand his records.
We've talked about it before, after we had a child I asked him if it had made him think at all about his own background and he said no, not really. We talked about and he said he didn't have a problem with retrieving his records, he just had no interest in contacting them. He actually said if they wanted to know him they would have contacted him, he never realised that they wouldn't have been able too if they'd wanted to. Anyway that's not the point, and actually the thread is a bit mistitled, I should have put I'd like to know 'about' them.
My fear is that if husband gets hit by a bus then our son, should he want to know his background then he won't have access and if he does want to know, then I think that that's as important as his father not wanting to be involved and actually they are not mutually exclusive.
Back to the files, he was willing to get them but I didn't ask him to because I felt like I was asking him do do it for me. Well, I would have been. And I still would if I asked him to do it now, I know that but I'd be asking for our son too. And just to reiterate, I am not asking him to make contact, and I won't (though it is something I would like I haven't brought it up for years and he does not know how much I think about it because I don't want to pressure him into contact)
Sorry for drip feed, I'm new at this..

RebelRogue Wed 29-Jun-16 13:53:52

Do you have contact with your oh's adoptive family?are they nice people? Are they interested in ds? Then that's all the background he needs. They will be the ones rallying around u and ds if anything were to happen. Stop making it your issue. It's not.

PurpleDaisies Wed 29-Jun-16 13:57:01

I'm not talking about having a a wonderful fairytale relationship, just a hello, this is who he grew up to be, he's ok, hope your life has been ok too - quite possibly in letter form.

Why? This is absolutely bizarre to me. They are not your biological parents. They are nothing at all to do with you. Why do you assume they would even want to know how your husband turned out? Again with the romantic view of things.

Your son will know his background-your parents and your husband's adoptive parents. It's insulting to them to suggest that the people who have him up are important people for his son to know about.

WannaBe Wed 29-Jun-16 14:20:17

It seems clear that you have huge issues with adoption and the fact that your DH is adopted. Why?

Your DS' family is his grandparents on your side and his grandparents on your DH's side. And by grandparents on your dH's side I mean the parents who brought him up. They are his adoptive parents in name but in truth they are his parents.

And yes you are romanticising this. You say that it bothers you that you can't know them. Why? They had nothing to do with their own child growing up. They had him adopted. they may well be happy with their choice, and more relevant, there may be members of the family who don't even know he exists. What on earth makes you think that they might want to have contact from some woman who married the child they gave away or may have had taken from them saying "oh, hi, here we are, just to let you know we're all ok, oh and you have a grandson you never knew about either."?

I find your attitude quite disturbing actually, and I wonder why you married someone who is adopted if biology is so important to you.

EllipticalEggs Wed 29-Jun-16 14:23:46

Why? This is absolutely bizarre to me. They are not your biological parents. They are nothing at all to do with you. Why do you assume they would even want to know how your husband turned out? Again with the romantic view of things.
Because I know a little bit about the circumstances of the adoption, I know at least that he was loved. I think about the situation they (the parents) were in, and how things they would have considered in making the decision that they did. I don't have a lot of information and I was saying that's really just my fantasy, I'm not actually talking about doing that. That would be a separate step, and a different issue. Yes, I probably do have a slightly romantic view it and that (among many others) is a reason why I am not and will not ask my husband to make contact.

Your son will know his background-your parents and your husband's adoptive parents. It's insulting to them to suggest that the people who have him up are important people for his son to know about.
I don't think it's for you to decide what they may or may not find insulting, though I value your input. As it happens they have other adopted children and have been very supportive, encouraging even when a sibling wanted to contact biological parents. We (I, probably more so that him actually) have a good relationship with them and their position as his actual family is not and will never be in question. As I said though in my original post, I don't think biology is worth nothing.

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