Ex going on holiday with new girlfriend and our children

(35 Posts)
lubyloo44 Fri 20-May-16 00:48:40

Other woman and her child going on holiday with my ex and our children - only 6 months after starting to go out - im livid and upset - is he right to just tell me - not even ask? Especially when he had said they were taking it slow and he was going to go on holiday on his own with her which i was completely fine with - we are friends still and help each other out

Torchlight86 Tue 24-May-16 22:21:11

Hi, I've had similar problems with me ex in the past, every few months we have an argument on whether it's too soon or not to take our little one away abroad. He also took our little boy on a camping holiday with his new partner who he's only been seeing a couple of weeks! I was hurt and worried and protective at the time and we had a huge argument about it, the main issue being that we had agreed previously if either of us got a new partner we would wait a respectable amount of time before introducing them to our boy, imo a few weeks is certainly not enough time to know some one before taking them away with your young child in a confined space!

Anyway that's all irrelevant really other than to say I definitely sympathise with you and actually put a couple of posts on here about the same thing, and I will tell you what I learnt,

Firstly apparently legally they have every right to take your child out of the country and if you stand in their way without good reason and they take you to court over it in all likely hood they will win! Shocking I know!

Secondly I found people far from sympathetic when I mentioned it on here, I thought it was a perfectly reasonable thing to be worried about But most posters were quite mean about my feelings and a few even suggested I needed to get help because I was obviously suffering with some mental problems!! 😱 To me it a perfectly sane reaction to the thought of you child/ren being thousands of miles away from you in a different country, especially in the current climate!

All I can say to help is the only way I have managed to prevent this so far is by appealing to my exes reasonable side (not one he shows very often!) and explaining that I would never do something with our child that made him uncomfortable regardless of whether I thought it was ok or not, and I have promised him that I will seriously think about it and talk properly when our boy is older (I've said at the very least he should be capable of asking for help/identify someone who can help him if he is lost or something happens to my ex/be able to swim etc etc)

I really feel for you not having control of what or where your child goes is an awful feeling x

(I'd just like to point out before anyone is offended by the fact that I feel I should have more say in my child that my partner, that is not the case, because my ex partner is off work currently we are nearly 50/50 and he's a great dad, the issue I have is I genuinely wouldn't do anything with our boy that he felt so strongly about, and I just feel he should afford me the same respect! Holidays are great yes but they are not an essential part of life, I never went aboard until my teens and I don't think it had any adverse effect on me, and especially at the moment when our boy is too young to even remember it, I think it's something that should be done when all involved are comfortable and can get the most out of it!)

KittensandKnitting Tue 24-May-16 22:25:20

are you the RP? Or has it not even been agreed in mediation or by a court?

KittensandKnitting Tue 24-May-16 22:26:13

And is it abroad? Or in the UK within agreed contact hours as makes a big difference.

228agreenend Tue 24-May-16 22:30:37

I'd be upset as well. Many people don't introduce new partners until six months, so a holiday is a big deal.

How old are your children? Are they fairly independent, or still need looking after?

lubyloo44 Tue 24-May-16 23:03:50

Thank you for your thoughts. Im the RP but he sees them every other weekend as well as one night during the week as well as other times when it involves their schools and sports events etc. The holiday is abroad and i have no issue with that - the first one yes but its 3 years down the road now and they have been on many holidays with him - always hard, doesn't seem to get easier and i have to keep myself occupied as its tough, for him also I'm sure, to not be with them when they are experiencing new adventures etc. The girlfriend going on the holiday was totally unexpected and puts a totally different slant on everything; aside from the fact that it feels way too early and that he didnt consult me (not to ask permission but as the childrens mother it would normally have second nature to him) and this really hurt. My worry is also that he is bound to be spending time with and paying attention to the girlfriend when normally he would be totally hands on with the children and they will feel it. If he had just done what he said he was going to do and go on holiday with her and her son on his own, none of this angst and breakdown in our friendship would have occurred. In honesty part of my anger and hurt has given way to disappointment in him but will be very interested to get his perspective on things when we meet this week to discuss everything.

KittensandKnitting Wed 25-May-16 00:19:31

As NRP he has to get your written permission to take them out of the country.

You don't have to get his permission, unless it's over 28 days but you would also have to make them available for any visits, so given your situation you would.

Looked into this a little while ago, hope that is correct now - our situation is different DP is RP and DC mother hasn't seen them for a year and only has monthly court ordered visits.

Despite DP being RP no way would I have gone on holiday after just six months with him and DC even if he had asked me, way too soon IMO. There is an argument "on his time, his choice" as a responsible parent but actually it's your time and your giving your blessing.

Tricky one really!

chocolatemuppet Sat 18-Jun-16 07:42:04

It's hard emotionally for you. I get that. But unfortunately it's something you need to get over. I speak from tough experience. Having gone through this exact same thing. Hated it. But - the issue was all mine. I didn't mention it to my ex; in reality, the only one suffering if I had put my foot down would have been the children not getting a lovely holiday. He's as much a parent as I am, and it's an inevitable part of his new life.

I don't hold with posters saying he should 'respect your feelings' by not taking them. It should always be about what's in the interests of the children, not the parents. They're going on a lovely holiday with their dad. Yes he's taking his new girlfriend, but it's you that finds that hard. I honestly don't think you should make that put an end to their plans. Sorry OP, I know it's tough. Like I say, I've been there and got the t-shirt - and it does hurt, but they'll have a lovely time I'm sure!

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Sat 18-Jun-16 07:46:06

Dh and I are very much not separated, but for various reasons I travel abroad alone with dd several times a year and am often stopped at immigration and asked for the other parent's permission letter. I don't know if there is something specific in the law about not having to ask permission once you are RP, but I would check that.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 18-Jun-16 07:48:59

I suspect when father's agree time should be taken before kids meet new partners they actually mean only the mother has to wait..

neonrainbow Sat 18-Jun-16 07:49:07

So if you broke up 3 years ago and shes been around for 6 months she's not the ow is she? hmm

You've got no right make a big deal of this. He is their father and just as capable of judging the appropriateness of her going with them. Actually more so because he knows her and you don't. How would you feel if he tried to be this controlling towards you?

DollyBarton Sat 18-Jun-16 07:49:39

I think it's only an issue if the children are distressed about it. But I can totally understand your reaction. I'd be very upset too but objectively I think it's his decision to make about his relationship with GF. Some relationships are very serious at 6mths, some are more like friends. Sometimes adults make bad judgement calls and unfortunately you are seperated parents with your own lives which brings these kinds of issues with it.

Have you met the gf? If not, I think that might help you get some perspective and feel a bit better about it?

Waltermittythesequel Sat 18-Jun-16 07:49:50

If he had just done what he said he was going to do and go on holiday with her and her son on his own, none of this angst and breakdown in our friendship would have occurred

So you'd rather your dc saw daddy taking another child on holiday and left them behind?

Because that would be the perception.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but the breakdown in your friendship is coming from you. He hasn't done anything wrong. He hasn't snuck them out of the country. He hasn't dumped them because he has a new girlfriend with a child.

As the dc get over, you're going to have to loosen the reigns a little. Because unless you think he will harm his dc in some way, this is only about you and your feelings. And that's no reasonable at all.

My worry is also that he is bound to be spending time with and paying attention to the girlfriend when normally he would be totally hands on with the children and they will feel it.

This is just unfair. Do you really think that he's bringing his dc, and she's bringing hers, so they can ignore the lot of them to play at being lovebirds??

justbogoff Sat 18-Jun-16 07:59:19

She's not the OW and to paint her so is unfair.

They'very been together 6 months, they plan to go away with her child, I think it's lovely that he wants to take his as well.

If you don't let them go with a good heart then you will upset them. This will be a good experience for your kids and a relaxed atmosphere for them to get to know their fathers GF.

DoreenLethal Sat 18-Jun-16 08:13:22

Other woman and her child going on holiday with my ex and our children

Come on now. If they have been together 6 months and you separated 3 years ago - don't accuse her of being the 'Other Woman'. Because you are not in a relationship now, so she is his girlfriend.

If that were me I'd think you were more than a little unhinged. I saw my OH ripped apart by not seeing his daughter every day and you get that as resident parent most days. So calm the fuck down will you.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Sat 18-Jun-16 08:18:39

It's not another woman, it's his new girlfriend. I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

AlanPacino Sat 18-Jun-16 14:47:16

I don't see how this is an ethical dilemma? I get that your uncomfortable but don't understand it being about your internal conflicting moral values?

AlanPacino Sat 18-Jun-16 14:47:43

*you're

Batboobs Sat 18-Jun-16 14:58:47

I honestly think some women will never be happy about their partner moving on. Whether it be 6 months, or years. You have to give him some credit, and trust his judgement that he's not going to take his child on a holiday with a complete lunatic, and let go a bit.

At some point your ex is probably going to settle down, perhaps have more children, get married etc. It's time to accept these changes now you are no longer together. In the end it is only the child who misses out, if you put your foot down and prevent him from going. That said, you still have the right to refuse to let him go.

branofthemist Sat 18-Jun-16 14:58:51

I can see why your DC going away with her dad and his new girlfriend bothers you.

But I think you are being very unreasonable to think he should only do it if you are ok and you would be really unreasonable of you tried to stop him.

The fact that you refer to her as the other woman is not healthy and I suspect is also impacting how you feel.

lubyloo44 Thu 23-Jun-16 18:23:14

Hi - thank you for that. Just to clarify the children were always having a holiday with him - I would never ever stop him - why would I, even now when I thought it was soon - he was going to go away with GF separately those were his words, not mine,during the many get togethers we have -again I never enquired, totally his business - it was never about telling him what to do with his new relationship - it was really about what he had, voluntarily told me he would do BECAUSE it was early days for him. And I agree with you, it was because of thinking about the interests of the children, rather than the parent, that it became an issue. No longer by the way.. we talked it all through. We are good friends so that helps, I'm sorry for all those who aren't, but we also have to work at it

Mrskeats Thu 23-Jun-16 18:27:55

How is she the other woman?
You may not like it but really I think you will have to put a brave face on

fuckincuntbuggerinarse Thu 23-Jun-16 18:31:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MazzleDazzle Thu 23-Jun-16 18:33:26

How much time have your kids spent with her/her child before?

If I was taking my kids on holiday with a new partner, I'd build up to it - odd afternoons together, a whole day together, a night away, a weekend...

If they haven't spent that much time together, then jumping into a holiday does seem a bit strange.

I can understand why you're miffed.

lubyloo44 Thu 23-Jun-16 18:34:41

Sorry that previous post was replying to Chocolate Muppet. I don't know how this works arghhh!!.
So this reply is to Neonrainbow - thank you for your reply, and you're right shouldn't say other woman, sounds awful. His girlfriend and she is lovely, I have met her. But as in the reply I put to Chocolatemuppet, this was about what he had told me he was doing i.e., taking it slow going on holiday separately with her, going on family holiday with his entire family and the girls separately. I don't ask, don't need to or want to with regards his relationship, its his and Im very happy that he is happy, and secondly, I do not want to control what he does - was in a very controlling relationship myself and definitely NOT for me. This was always about talking through things regards the children, holidays, problems at school etc and introducing a new partner is tricky and always a sensitive issue and affects both of us because we both look after them and see them happy, sad, unsettled sometimes but luckily on the whole very balanced and chilled and we want to keep it this way..

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