I am totally lost and need advice.
I am step-mum to a very beautiful 14yr old daughter. She spends week time with her mother and step-father, and comes to me and her father at the weekends and holiday times.
Earlier this year I found 'revealing' photographs of her on our family Ipad. She was bought an ipod touch for xmas, (an agreement by all the family). Little did she know that it was connected to all our home devices through the Icloud and that photos she took on her ipod would also go onto our ipad. It was a shock, underwear pictures but not naked.
We removed all her phone, ipod and computer items for a long period of time as we felt she could not be trusted or responsible. I did try to have a talk to her about why, where, who has seen them and who these photos were taken for etc..... I didn't get very far. All I could do was tell her that now we know about them, she can come to us if she needs to, we just want to protect her.
Since then I have been keeping an eye on her use of her Blackberry and monitored her using the family Ipad. My trust in her is a little shaken.
I have been in her life from a very early age and was not involved with her father until long after the divorce. Luckily I have a very strong and close relationship with her.
We have just come back from a family holiday. We allowed our daughter to use the Ipad on holiday. I picked it up for the first time this evening since we had returned and found her facebook account was still logged on. I opened up her Facebook profile as it was still logged on and looked around all her photographs and read her messages. (On a separate issue, I know she should not have a facebook account at 14. We have tried to keep her off FB but she set up her own accounts without our knowledge. Other family members alerted us to her use of Facebook and we agreed she could have one account with family members as friends so we can see what she is doing.) We hoped this would work to keep her somewhat safe, we were wrong. There were no 'lude' photographs but there were some VERY worrying messages.
It turns out she has a 17yr old boyfriend who has sent her photographs of 'himself' in various 'states' of arousal and the dialog between them would put '50 Shades of Grey' to shame! I am totally shocked and angry and hurt and worried. I have no idea how to approach this. Her mother needs to be told as well as her step-father. We need to be a united front as parents. How do we do this without pushing her away? I have totally violated all her privacy and human rights. How can we protect her without being the over-bearing bad guys and how will she ever trust us as parents now I have violated her trust by 'snooping'?
I cannot take back the 'snooping' and I am glad I did find out, as a boy of 17 SHOULD NOT be behaving this way towards a 14yr old. It started when she was 13!!!! This is against the law and how do I protect my daughter from being hurt? They say they love each other? How do I respect my child but teach her the laws and boundaries? How do I respect her choices and maybe this boy does love her? Are they mature enough to understand their actions with one another? How do I stop her hating me forever for violating her privacy?
I love her and want to protect her. If I cant stop her or even get her to be honest about it, what can I do? Am I being a bad mother if I teach her about contraception and help her stay protected for her health against HIV, STI's and pregnancy? I would never condone her having sex at 14, but if she is doing it anyway behind my back, should I try and make sure she is safe and try to teach her to look after herself?
What can I do?
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Ethical dilemmas
What to do when you find out your underage daughter is sexually active?
40 replies
Event32 · 21/06/2013 01:59
OP posts:
Maryz ·
24/07/2014 01:51
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