This is incredibly difficult for me to type but figured it may help to get everything off my chest and maybe hear some advice!
I have a ds of 6 and dd of 3, I had been feeling broody for a third child for some time but knew my dh was happy with 2 and didn't want another child. My dh has suffered from depression on and off for years so I knew a third child would add extra pressure but it didn't stop me going over the 'what if' scenarios! I probably wasn't as vigilant with my pill as I should have been but still shocked to find out I was pregnant last April.
As suspected,my dh was not happy with the news and I also was terrified of the effect it could potentially have on our happy little family and dh. After much deliberation, driven partly by my guilt at it being 'my fault' , I chose to have a termination for the sake of my marriage and our current family. I felt that as it was my 'fault' for falling pregnant I should do what I felt was the correct thing to do for us. My dh lists all the practical reasons for not having another child but as many of you know the heart often rules the head when it comes to maternal issues!
I took the first termination pill on my 37th birthday which when I look back now I don't know how I managed to do. My 38th birthday has just passed and I'm really struggling to come to terms with things. I went for one counselling session in January which I came away from feeling liberated and much better however I can't stop feeling a sense of guilt and a little bit of resentment to my dh. The fact of the matter is my two kids are amazing and I want to give them a happy and loving family life which we have. However, every time a friend announces their 3rd pregnancy (which has happened a lot recently) I think if they could do it why couldn't I?
I think life is easier with the two and I have learned my lesson the hard way, I just want to be able to move on, forgive myself and enjoy the family I have which I manage to do most days however I am still grieving the loss of my third child that never came to be! Oh and just to add some more guilt to the mix I am Roman Catholic so have been brought up believing abortion is always wrong....it's not until I've found myself in this position that I took this very diffficult decision not just for myself but for my family. Do you think me and my dh can move on from this???
For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision - for your family. That's probably what makes it so hard to get over, the fact that you would have chosen to have the baby if things had been different. You had the abortion, but it wasn't a free choice. Also, since you wanted a third child and think you may have been less than careful, I think you're blaming yourself for getting pregnant. Given all those conflicting feelings, I'm not surprised that you're finding it hard to come to terms with. For you this was a loss and you're still grieving. All you can do now is to accept what's happened and forgive yourself. Remind yourself of all the very good reasons why you had the abortion - your husband's mental health, your childrens' happiness and continued security. The family you have are wonderful and you love them. In time you will come to terms with your loss and move on. Hope this helps.
You did something (being knowingly 'careless', or 'selfish'...) to 'trap' him into a child he did not want.
When your plan worked you realised the full impact and put a stop to it.
OK, so, it wasn't your finest moment.
But you did, eventually, do what was right for your relationship.
All of us mess up.
In terms of the baby you aborted it would have been very early stages if it was possible to use the pill option. You can do a lot of research on line/in foetal development books etc to decide when a moral 'cut off' point is for you.
I have done that for my own purposes in the past. But to my mind the time to do that is before you make the decision. You can't change it now.
You can move on with your life promising yourself, your OH and your family that you won't ever make independent choices you know should be made jointly.
I aborted our third child last week. dd1 is 3 and dd2 15 months. We are living abroad and building a business. Life is manic hectic and we had (in mind, apparently not actions) decided not to have a third.
I was at peace with my decision but we are back in the UK currently and off work for a few weeks. The space has bought with it some sadness for me and some feelings of doubt in my decision.
I worry about friends annoucing third pgs too.
I was prepared for this to be hard and in many ways my feelings arent as intense as I had imagined but it is still very hard. I think on the due date I will feel very sad and conflicted.
I do think you and your dh can move on. You can also discuss having a planned third child again with him if that desire for one more is affecting your feelings on the abortion.
Thanks for your responses. I definitely feel that time is a great healer. I know that most days when I'm kept busy I don't have the time to dwell on things but think it's important to recognise I will have the odd meltdown along the way! I am going to go for a few more counselling sessions as I want to make sure I don't just take the 'bury my head in the sand' approach I had taken up until now! Onwards and upwards and thanks again for your kibd responses xxx
I have been in a similar but slightly different situation. I also come from a religious background. I have to say that I found it really hard to forgive myself. The pain hung about for years and only now a few years down the line I feel more at peace. Counselling is good. talk to a priest if you feel it would help? Also have some kind of quiet personal ceremony somewhere special to make peace. Write the 3rd a letter? I agree time is a great healer. From a religious point of view, god is about forgiveness and love. No one is without sin.
Hi Pomme I also had an abortion couple of weeks ago which would have been my third child. I generally feel sad over the whole situation and now I am not pregnant generally feel that I could in fact cope. Has the internet helped you at all since you last posted? or taking it through with friends? My bff has been useless by the way, we haven't spoke since it happened...
I think, for me, the only think which will help is to stop dwelling on it , i.e what I have done, the past, appreciate what I have and give it a year, if I still feel the same then re look at it. This experience has taught me so much about how I listen to others (family was less than supportive about me having a third child) also looking at how much I relied on my bff (not healthy in my opinion) and it has made me stronger.
I felt like that too dontmention. Like I cant believe I let some practicalities stand in the way. Hindsight is not v helpful in this case..!
Is bff best friend? Other than dh and I just two of my friends know. They have been great and are firmly inb the 'you din the right thing' camp (only told them afterwards though!). I wonder what everyone would have said if I had told them before. My mum is in the middle of a depressive episode and MIL is really overbearing with my dc so neither of them were potential confidentes at the time.
I am feeling less sure I will ever have a third child and still a bit sad that I am not having the one we aborted. I am really busy in the week between work and the ddd, weekends are sometimes harder as there is some space to think!
Dh and I have agreed to go back to third child discussions at xmas. Think he is back in the 'no' camp though.
My husband also in the 'no' camp, think actually he couldn't go through it all again if you know what I mean, he supported my decision but was really sad when it all happened. Talking about gtting the snip, making it all seem so final, which makes it worse.
When I was pregnant I wrote down all the reasons not to keep and to keep, actually the practicalities outweighed having a baby, this helps as actually practicalities could in turn make life hard for all of us, (I keep telling myself this).
Lovely that your friends have been good about it as although you don't need sympathy, just a 'sorry your going through this' attitude is helpful. I told my b friend all the way through, as I was ok about it when I found out, just as the hormones wore on....
I do think if it is meant to be it will happen... just not sure if I want something I can't have or I do actually want a third child, time will tell once the practicalities are sorted out ...
I guess concentrating on your business and life in general will help..
I'm doing pretty well. I had a great summer with the kids and keep reminding myself of all things we've done that we wouldn't have if we had a small baby in our family. The flip side is I still battle with the 'what if' scenario and hand on heart if it was up to me alone I'd have another baby despite all the practical reasons against it. The fact is it's not just my decision and the sooner I realise that, the easier it will be to move on.
I think so many families find themselves in similar predicaments. The saying goes that men have one child more than they want and women have one less! Let's just try to be happy with what we've got...easier said than done but keep on smiling on the outside and the inside might eventually catch up! Xxx
It gives me comfort to hear all your views/stories. I've only told one friend quite recently. She supports me totally but part if me wishes she didn't know as I now feel she worries about me and pities me. I preferred my facade of being happy, happy, happy!! Xx