Termination, can I do? Should I do?

(15 Posts)

How are you feeling simmi75? Did you have the termination?

Freckles - I am in a frighteningly similar siutation. The only differences would be that I work and love it and that I have never had an abortion before.

What did you decide to do? I am 5 weeks 1 day now.

simmi75 Fri 17-May-13 14:31:19

Hi all, I am in desperate need of some advice. I am 37, have been wanting to be a mother very much but I always attached this to being in a healthy family, married setting.

I am in a relationship that has been unstable and essentially bad...together on and off 5 yrs....I am certain he has cheated on me, he has a serious gambling problem, is in serious debt and is a very unsupportive person in every aspect. The guy is the biggest mistake of my life....

I found out I am pregnant few weeks ago, I must be about 6 weeks along. The week before I found out, I had firmly made up my mind to leave him (had enough). Boom-- next thing I know, I am pregnant.

My BF has reacted horribly: he doesn't want it but says if I keep it he will stick around ( well at least for some time). I have a stable job but absolutely no family support ( I am all alone here). I cannot raise an infant alone, I will need his help. With his volatile personality, I am not even sure he will be around before its due....I know our relationship is bad and will frizzle away sooner or later....a baby will not keep us together.

My horrible dilemma is in the fact that I wanted a baby but now faced with this situation of the relationship itself about to breakdown, I am not sure i want to be a single mom....on the other hand, I am not young, this could be my last chance....

I hate the idea of abortion but I feel in such dead-end that almost feel like dying. Haven't eaten anything in days and just sleep and cry all day. I do wish I would die...

Please, post some advice. Please, be mercyfull.... The are situations in life that force you into horrible decisions....and it doesn't even matter whether you are 17 or 37...

Have an appt for termination next week but not sure if I am going to go with it.

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

FlowerTruck Tue 05-Mar-13 12:20:03

Hope your feeling better with whatever you've decided, op.

only just pregnant, sorry

Freckles, you've only found out and you've only just told your DH. You are likely to be on just pregnant.
Make an appointment with your Dr to discuss your options just so you have got an appointmen. Then allow yourself and your DH to sort out your feelings on the subject.

fellatio is right; whether or not to terminate is such an emotive subject, that almost inevitavly people will try to advice according to their own exeriences. None of us are you. Truly only you can decide.

Of course by doing nothing, you also 'decide', don't you wink... Take some action, and then let it sink in. You've got (a bit) of time by the sounds of it.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 24-Feb-13 17:34:50

Thanks both, I just told him this pm! I hadn't wanted to and not sure if I should have but he was saying 'oh you won't know how you will feel after ect' and I burst out 'actually I do!' sad
Bad timing on my part but my emotions are everywhere atm.

catsrus Sun 24-Feb-13 16:53:37

If you had read the post fellatio you would know the OP has had a previous termination and so has a pretty good idea about how she would feel.

freckles you really need to talk to your dh again - keep the conversation going - does he know about the previous termination? You have to be totally honest with each other - this is not a situation either of you wanted but it is now something you have to deal with as a family. The consequences either way will be tough - and there may not be a 'good' solution - you might just have to choose the 'least bad' one. Good luck.

FellatioNels0n Sun 24-Feb-13 16:29:29

OK, now I've read your post. grin

My answer is still the same, but I think you already know what you are going to do.

FellatioNels0n Sun 24-Feb-13 16:26:49

I am not even going to read your post. I am just going to respond to the title of your thread. Asking opinions on this is very dangerous.

No-one is going to tell you you absolutely must not keep this baby. Not one person will come on here pressuring you to terminate. That is your choice and only you can make that choice, irrespective of your circumstances.

However, I'll bet there will be people who will come onto this thread and (in a roundabout way) pressure you to have the baby. They'll project like mad, and lay all kinds of emotional guilt-trippy stuff on you about how you will regret it. How do they know? Not everybody does. Probably not most women, in fact.

Don't listen to anyone else - listen to your heart but also listen to your head a bit as well. Hearts are sometimes silly.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 24-Feb-13 16:17:47

Outside, that is a great perspective, thankyou. I will think about it like that.
Pacific, I can feel that even when I am thinking about it at the moment. I know that if I don't sort my feelings out soon that this could end in disaster for myself.
Right now, I am more worried about how I will cope with a termination more than having nother child. My 3 year old, although only 3 is extremely sensitive (I'm not sure why) and she gets hysterical when I am a little upset. (which I most often try to hide in front of people, I not someone to talk about my feelings but sahe seems to just feel it)

Nobody can answer this for you, can they sad.
I think you need to make very certain that IF you are having a termination it is because YOU want to. Otherwise there is a very real danger that you set yourself up for a lifetime of regrets and bitterness towards your DH. He is of course entitled to his own opinion and preference what to do in this situation, but the ultimate decision is yours, and yours alone. Continue the pregnancy or terminate it, but be sure it is what you want and can live with in the longrun.

Sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. 'Tis v hard.

OutsideOverThere Sun 24-Feb-13 15:16:55

I think often men find the concept of pregnancy a bit like an emergency, and they can see abortion as the green 'Exit' light that they have to head for before it's too late.
We tend to see it differently. I don't know why. but I have found that sometimes when a woman lays down the law and says 'I am pregnant, I am going to remain pregnant, there's no other option' the man will find it easier to acquiesce to the idea, and accept it and even be happy about it.

It's almost like they can need us to take responsibility for it, to give them 'permission' to be happy about it as it's not in their control - and not something we are asking them to 'fix' which a lot of men seem to want to do with something like this.

I don't know if this approach would work for you or not, in your relationship, but do bear in mind that he may well be much happier about it once the decision is made either way.

And if you want to keep this baby then please don't terminate. A baby is always a positive outcome in at least some respects; a termination is always I feel, rather a sad thing.

Good luck.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 24-Feb-13 15:08:09

Thankyou Jaqueline smile
It helped just to write it all down.
I still feel the same.
OH still feels the same.

JaquelineHyde Sat 23-Feb-13 18:41:20

I'm not going to be much use to you but I couldn't let this go unanswered.

Whatever you decide it must be your choice and it must be one that you are perfectly happy with as you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

Speak some more with your husband, find out how he really feels and tell him exactly how you are feeling.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Frecklesandspecs Sat 23-Feb-13 18:34:12

I am married with two lovely DC's
Just found out I am pregnant. (I must be about 4 weeks)
Husband was in complete shock and is pretty sure he wants us to have a termination.
I don't know if I can go through this again. I had one about 15 years ago when I was in a completely different situation. It was a painful lonely experience. Was brought up in a strict christian home so nobody knew about it.
Now, I am married, it is not great timing and I know it will be very hard with 3 kids under 5 and not yet at school. I also know I am not very enthusiastic about being pregnant again but I could do it.
I have thoughts running here and there.
I lost my dad about 6 months ago in the same week as a friend. I am not even sure I have done the greiving for them yet let alone to have to do it for a termination. (and yes I did feel very empty and lost when I had that years ago)
I do suffer with depression but have been on fluroxetine throughout both previous pregnancies and been fine.
I also get very tired and lethargic on some days which makes looking after the kids a little harder.
Honestly I do not think finances are an issue, we might miss out on some things but we are doing ok.
I rarely have a break from my two already and it has been draining but we have managed and love them to pieces. They have just 2 years between them.
I know DH won't be happy if I don't go ahead with the appointments, I don't know how he will react and I know he will find it a strain with another child around.
I had a DVT also after dc1 was born and I think that is a worry to him although I would just go back on the injections probably. Had no probs with DC2.
I don't want to go into how we got to this point. We were using contraception and waiting for him to get the snip.
Both our families would have a fit if they found out (even though we are well into our 30's!) so we would be keeping it all to ourselves.

The thing that is making it hardest is that my 3 year old keeps asking for a brother and a bigger family! sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now