I can't please everyone so who should I please?

(54 Posts)
HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:54:51

ok, long story alert:
my parents are hopeless with money. I was hopeless with money (now I'm just poor). fb was hopeless with money (now he's married and fail is good with money.

so, when I started uni, I spent my grant paying hall fees and buying text books. I was working but got injured in a fall down the stairs at my parents and the pain meds meant I couldn't work. I got behind in my studies, got depressed. parents found out I was living on bred and honey and offered to send me 40 a week. I said yes. fast forward 15 years. it turned out thy couldn't afford that and it was my brother working while studying to pay the forty pounds.

after uni, I got married, had a child, got divorced, got left with debts by ex (everything in joint names and he had been in charge of finances). so ds and I moved in with my parents, I worked, dm looked after ds. I rented a flat, couldn't manage financially, got a cheaper council house, ran up debts (living beyond my means -pure stupidity). got bailed out by parents.

parents also had many debts (of which I was unaware) fb bailed them out financially and went on mortgage to allow them to keep the house.

parents eventually paid db back.

I had a nervous breakdown, moved back in with parents, rented out my house, found all this stuff out. saved up, moved home. a few times have taken out loans for parents in my name (I can say no the first few times they ask but they're really good at grinding me down). they have paid the loans back and given me bits of money here and there also.

in meantime fb gets married, they want to buy a house. db can not come off their mortgage now because the house is in negative equity. dm and df news to find the money to pay off he negative equity to release him so house is currently in dsil's name only. which dm gives dsil grief about (very strange).

dm and df got quite a lot of money in ppi compensation and uses it to buy NES lounge and dining room furniture, to have their lounge and dining room replastered and decoeates, to have curtains made for both rooms and artex (sp?) removed from he ceilings. they also paid off several thousand pounds in debts. db and dsil upset about this. dm cannot understand this.

now, dm turns 60 this year. df wants to tale her on holiday to celebrate. she wants ds and I to go. I can't afford it. she offers to pay for us to go. I feel uncomfortable about that ad they keep promising db and dsil that they will save what they can to release db from the mortgage.

dm starts on at me saying I'm depriving ds. that it's nothing to do with db and dsil so I shouldn't feel guilty. that the situation between dm and df and db and dsil is none of my business and I would say yes if the situation wasn't happening so I should go. that it's her 60th and she wants us there and db and dsil can afford to pay for themselves whereas she knows I can't (retraining so on 15k).

so I tried telling her my dissertation was due the week she wants to go (october half term) but it's not, it's a month earlier.

options (as I see it):
1. go on holiday, dm happy, ds happy, I feel guilty, risk good relationships I have with db and dsil. I feel stressed about this.
2. allow them to book the holiday but run myself ragged trying to pay them back. everyone happy - except me because I'll be back to living outside my means. I feel stressed about this.
3. continue saying no, earn the eternal enmity of dm and ds (who is desperate to go abroad after camping for hree summers), keep good relationships with db and dsil, get stressed because of attitude of dm and ds.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:56:29

all fb's should read db - sorry. also re many misspellings.

HoleyGhost Sun 10-Feb-13 14:06:03

I would not go.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:08:05

thank you. I agree but wasn't sure after the many-pronged guilt trip lain on me by dm.

HeathRobinson Sun 10-Feb-13 14:12:28

I wouldn't go and, depending on age of ds, a good lesson for him about living within your means, unless he knows about the dissertation thing too.

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 10-Feb-13 14:20:35

No, dont go. Your parents are being very selfish and are treating your db unfairly. Going would make you complicit in that.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:23:40

Just spoken to dm. She tried the guilt-tripping on the themes entioned above. Then said let us at least take ds!

Feel so stuck in the middle. Can't turn to db/dsil for advice because they would just phone dm and blast her so she would straightaway phone me and blast me.

Hate sharing info about dm's delusional lifestyle with people who know her because she seems so normal.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:26:33

Just spoken to dm. She tried the guilt-tripping on the themes entioned above. Then said let us at least take ds!

Feel so stuck in the middle. Can't turn to db/dsil for advice because they would just phone dm and blast her so she would straightaway phone me and blast me.

Hate sharing info about dm's delusional lifestyle with people who know her because she seems so normal.

HoleyGhost Sun 10-Feb-13 14:27:49

No is a full sentence. Let your db blast her. He will find out in the end and he will be furious.

You can't control what choices your dm makes. You are not responsible for your db's name being on their mortgage. All you can do is keep your own finances separate from theirs and work to get yourself in a position to support yourself.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:36:34

dm provides my childcare and we share a car. I can't afford to piss her off because she is vindictive. db knows this and knows that I take his side but can't risk cutting her off until retraining is complete and I can afford a car on my own and after-school care.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:37:22

But, if I was db, I would want to know...

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:38:52

Another thing (sorry for multi-posts) dm said on phone, we'd be paying for a family room so the extra cost of taking you and ds would be very small. I said that didn't sound right because of flights, transfers and food. Just checked and adding us two would double the cost of the holiday! More lies.

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 10-Feb-13 14:44:47

This isnt really an ethical dilemma for you is it? You know what the right thing to do is.

MmeLindor Sun 10-Feb-13 14:47:07

Don't go.

You will just be miserable and it will cause stress between you and your brother.

You are getting your life and finances sorted, as is your brother. That is admirable.

Your parents will draw you all back into debt. Stick to your guns.

Don't argue. Just say, 'I really wish that I could go but I can't afford it and I am too proud to continue taking hand outs or loans from you. I need to live within my means'

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:57:26

I guess not, it seemed like it was but I s'pose I was just hoping there would be an easy way out...

What about DB - to tell or not to tell?

MmeLindor Sun 10-Feb-13 15:00:10

No, don't tell your DB. It will only cause more anger towards your mum and get everyone riled up.

Let it be, treat yourself and your DS to a nice wee day out while they are away and be the mature, sensible adult.

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 10-Feb-13 15:24:04

I agree with Mme. There is no need for you to tell him. Dont get embroiled in any arguments your mum and brother may have, and dont get sucked into discussing the rights and wrongs any further with your mum just say "I've already given you my decision".

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 15:26:00

she seems to have given up on me - now focusing on me depriving ds. I've had a text and a phone call in last 5 mins alone!

Ragwort Sun 10-Feb-13 15:29:57

Is it practical for them to take DS alone, or would that cause further problems for DB?

hermioneweasley Sun 10-Feb-13 15:30:51

It's outrageous. I would tell DB - he helped them out and now they're pissing money away when he needs to be paid back so he can start his own life.

hillyhilly Sun 10-Feb-13 15:31:57

No dilemma, you shouldn't go ad neither should your son unless you can pay for him.
You don't want your son growing up with the same appalling money management/ attitude to money as your parents so here's where he starts learning, it's hard but life sometimes is.

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 10-Feb-13 15:36:49

Dont let your mum guilt trip you about ds missing out. The principle is the same.

MmeLindor Sun 10-Feb-13 15:42:11

Don't keep justifying your decision.

'It is a shame that I don't have the money, as I would have loved to have gone, but I don't want to be owing money any more'

Keep saying that when she asks.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 15:51:34

They have paid him back, the money they're supposed to be saving is the negative equity that has built up on their house so they can remortgage and take db off the mortgage

Just had back-to-back phone calls from dm about them taking DS.

You are selfish and mean to deprive ds of a holiday with his grandparents - answer: I'm sorry you feel that way but I feel that I am setting him a good example by not leaving beyond my means

I will have ds while you are at work but will not provide any other babysitting (eg a one night methodist women's retreat my church is sending me to next weekend) - answer: I appreciate all the help you've given me with him and that's up to you but I don't think the two have anything to do with each other (second time she said it: why do you also have to use your looking after ds against me?!)

I am sick of other people dictating what I can do with my life - answer: I am not dictating what you do but I am making a decision about what ds and I do

You were happy enough to take our money before - answer: yes I have relied on you financially in the past but my pride prevents me continuing to live outside my means

Other grandparents get to take their grandchildren on holiday - and you have taken him on holiday several times which was very kind of you

Why are you taking their side - actually, I think by not going I'm avoiding taking sides.

Or on latest text:

what will ds think when his granny and grandad go away with your cousins, aunty and uncle. He is going to think what horrible grandparents he has got. Please let him go - think I will say: He knows that this is a decision I have made and that it doesn't reflect on you. Thank you again for your kind offer.

TheArmadillo Sun 10-Feb-13 15:56:02

Your answers are very good. Keep to it. You are doing the right thing.

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