When and how to tell your child they were conceived using donor eggs

(11 Posts)
Deeplytired Sun 20-Jan-13 16:18:48

Having tried and failed to get pregnant for 10 years, including several failed ivf cycles, after lots of debate as to what to try next my husband and I finally conceived our DS using donor eggs. We are now turning our attention to the issue of when and how to tell our LO about his genetic heritage, since I think it shouldn't be a secret. I was wondering how others have faced this dilemma and if anyone has any tips about the best way to go about this? Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

exoticfruits Sun 20-Jan-13 19:22:13

Right from the very start-much easier if he know before he understands.

exoticfruits Sun 20-Jan-13 19:22:51

If you wait until he is able to understand then it comes as a shock rather than completely normal.

ExpatAl Sun 20-Jan-13 19:24:19

yes, my friends who used donor eggs told him right from the start so it was something that was just a part of his life, rather than a shock.

There is a network for donor conceived families, though the name escapes me. They do story books appropriate for toddlers. The idea is you read it from before they understand, so there's never a big reveal. They also provide information appropriate for older ages. Google for it (am on phone right now so can't without closing this mn page). I'll post again if I remember the name.

TheOldestCat Sun 20-Jan-13 19:39:49

Donor Network - used to work for one of the people who set this up; you should find some good information, advice and support.

QOD Sun 20-Jan-13 20:12:02

Testing testin

QOD Sun 20-Jan-13 20:16:10

Blimey, been trying to post on this thread on and off for an hour ...

I was just adding that you should tell him now, or from the earliest. We made a book from laminated papers etc, explaining that mummy couldn't make babies with her eggs, so we mixed daddy's sperm with "A's" eggs and you grew.

Slightly different with us as dd is a straight surrogate baby, but in a way, the same.

We made it very clear that she wasn't given away by "A", but was an egg that she gave to us specifically to grow into a baby, that that egg would have just not been used of it weren't for us.

My dd was read this book and shown photos etc from about 1 yr old, we had photos of course of her being in pregnant "A's" tummy etc.
maybe, in all seriousness, you could do this, but find an Internet photo of an egg being fertilised in a Petri dish or similar?

Wish I was near you so I could show you DD's book. We leant it out to a local family a while bank and they made one for their dd.

Deeplytired Mon 21-Jan-13 21:43:46

Thank you all very much for this information! It is very helpful. I'll certainly check out the Donor Network and I like the idea of making a book for him to look at too. Thank you QOD for suggesting I look at the one you made your DD, however you have given enough information for me to be able to put one together myself.

My DS is still under 1 year old so I have time to put everything in place before I start letting him know, however I certainly feel more confident now about what to do next! smile

QOD Tue 22-Jan-13 19:58:21

Pleasure, and make sure your DS knows he's not the only one!

My dd knows another girl now, in the nearest town, who is just like her.

aufaniae Thu 24-Jan-13 13:13:47

I used to look after two sisters (7 & 4) one conceived by donor sperm and one adopted.

I remember the 7yo telling me, in a totally matter of fact way, that her daddy's sperm didn't work properly, and so they went to the doctor to get some new sperm, and that's how she was made. She seemed to be absolutely fine with the idea.

I also witnessed the 4yo being teased by an older boy about being adopted. Before I could say anything, she retorted "Yes, I have two mums" as if he was somehow deficient for only having one! That shut him up! grin

I think the earlier the better. They will normalise it and process it. Much better than a big, dramatic shock further down the line.

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