An urgent abortion dilemma...(31 Posts)
Hello. I'm sorry for the essay and not sure if this is an appropriate or right place to post about this.
I found out I was pregnant when I was only 4 weeks, and decided not to tell my bf and quietly have a termination. It was totally unplanned and we had been going through a pretty rough time so I just thought it best to quietly let it go. I knew he would want the baby, inspite of problems he's always been very pro family/babies and kids adore him.. and I didn't want to break his heart so I thought it was kinder not to tell him. I felt very sure and fine with the decision.
On the day of the termination I was relaxed and calm and was in the waiting room at the centre, but suddenly went into excruciating tummy pain and got rushed to hospital in an ambulance. I had to call my bf and in the emergency room tell him I was pregnant, as we didn't know what was wrong. They found an enormous about to burst cyst on my ovary in tortion (twisted). I had to have emergencey keyhole surgery. They said I might lose my ovary/both ovaries/the baby. Afterwards, my ovaries were saved and they said the baby had survived. They said I needed to start putting hormone pessaries up me to help the baby/placenta as the operation had affected it.
We came home stunned by it all and I felt so ill/overwhelmed.
My bf leapt into gear and has been really wonderful. He said it was up to me. And was very kind. He has been very depressed for a long time, to the point where it was very hard for both of us, but suddenly he jumped into action.
After a week I rang to make another termination appointment and they said it would be another two weeks for a consultation..( I have to go through the hospital because of the operation. ) So, we carried on for 2 weeks..
I am an actress and had been rehearsing for a new play. I had to go back to open the show, whilst being exhausted/in pain from the surgery and secretly sick as a dog with pregnancy. I have been performing every night. It's been a nightmare snd stressful.
I went to my consultation and booked the termination.. The earliest would be ANOTHER two weeks.. So I have carried on for 5 weeks in total since the initial appointment to terminate. Carried on with manually giving the baby the hormones and learnt how to cope with morning sickness etc... They said I would miscarry if I didn't do the hormones and I didn't want to have it happen on the middle of the show..
And my poor bf has been going through all of this too. And I daily have been switching between not wanting it and thinking "just get this thing OUT of me" to looking at my man and wanting to say "yes! let's do it!" I've been all over the place. Sigh. What a mess. I feel ashamed for being such a mess.
Tomorrow is the day for termination. I am 10 weeks now.. I can't believe it. I would never have wanted it to be so far along. I feel dreadful. And basically I am overwhelmed with emotions. I didn't want a baby yet. We have no money, really no money, we are both actors, we are living in chaos, he has depression, I am on the edge of my career beginning to finally take off and am excited about work that is coming up, and we had been having such a bad time... And yet this whole thing has brought us together, he has been so wonderful, has really shown me he is able to step up when he needed to.. In the darkest of moments he has made me laugh and been my friend. He has made me love him and be thankful for him even more. But he wants to have the baby and is beginning to sink into sadness.. If I terminate I will break his heart and possibly ruin our relationship. I am a bad person. If I have the baby my career/acting will be put on hold and it really is not an easy thing to juggle. I have seen it with other actor friends. And it is my life/passion. I have had a pretty rough time over the years family wise (dad died in car crash as tennager and mum severly manic depressive and not really been a mum at all) and I have worked so hard for so long to get myself somewhere, and now finally things are beginning to happen for me. I've been on a rollercoaster for so long and finally was finding my feet. Now I feel like it's out of control again. I just feel so selfish and guilty and trapped. Totally trapped.
I so much want to be a mummy one day and I melt around babies, everyone says we'd be great parents, I know more than ever now that I do want to have a family with my bf and know we would be a great team, but this just feels like completely the wrong time.
BUT, I just don't feel as certain as I did 6 weeks ago when I was quietly going to terminate without a word to anyone. Now I am hurtling towards a termination and suddenly am terrified of ruining things. I feel a selfish horrible confused wreck. I know no-one can make this decision for me. But if anyone has any experience or similar situations, I would be hugely grateful.
i would say do nothing until you have booked at least a couple of counselling sessions for you to talk your needs through without pressure.
if you terminate and regret it then there is nothing you can do.
Obviously the sooner you make the decision the better, but while you are not sure about doing it i would not terminate.
get yourself some urgent urgent counselling booked. asap.
and ask yourself - forgetting your career, and the practicalities - what do you actually want to do.
if you follow your heart i dont think you will go far wrong.
I feel very for you
I don't have much in the way of advice, but I would say two things here:
Unless you are someone who has been trying for a long time, it rarely feels like exactly the right time to have a baby - that doesn't mean it isn't.
Don't have the termination whilst you are having doubts. I understand that this has already dragged on far longer than you planned, but now that it has - and that your resolve has been affected - a couple more days involving in depth chats with your DP and some time to really REALLY think things through, will be invaluable.
I am sure wiser people will be along soon and I wish you luck - whatever you decide to do.
Can you take some more time?
Yes, ask yourself what you want to do, but do not ignore the practicalities. Being pregnant and having a baby is the easy bit. Then you have to be a parent for the rest of your life. That's difficult even in the 'perfect' situation.
I am sorry that you are in this dilemma and it must be so hard now that it has been this long.
I would agree with not ignoring the practicalities, have you had a proper discussion with dp and how he sees it working?
Sorry, I meant to ask if you were going to have the termination without dp's knowledge?
Very you're in a difficult situation.
FWIW I've been in a very similar situation to you: When I fell pg for the first time I was an undergraduate student while also working full-time. Like you, I was in a relationship, knew that I would want children at some point in the future and like you I was initially thinking about simply having a termination on the quiet.
Can you speak with the important people in your life? Your parents, your partner?
My BF (now DH) really surprised me by how supportive he was of me. He was very happy about the pregnancy; he also comes from a conservative religious family and is frankly somewhat uneasy about the idea of abortion in general. Nonetheless, he told me clearly that this was my body, my life and that he'd support any decision I made. He was so much better than I expected him to be.
I also spent two hours sobbing down the phone to my lovely, equally supportive mother (who had decided to have me under similar circumstances).
I eventually had my termination at 9-10 weeks (conception date wasn't very clear).
The important question here is what you want for yourself. You're not being selfish whether you terminate your pregnancy or carry it to term and raise your child. You don't owe your boyfriend or anybody else the use of your body in order for them to feel better about themselves. You're not responsible for his depression or for adapting your entire life to alleviating it.
You are of course responsible for your child should you decided against a termination, so what beansmum says is spot on.
My goodness. Thank you so much for all responding so quickly.. I am so grateful.
You are all so wise!
Firstly boyfriend knows about tomorrow (today now) and has remained supportive, if disappointed.
I think the thing is, in a way having more time will confuse me more. I wonder if it's all the waiting that has muddled this up. I feel like I have had so much time to think. And I was so certain at the beginning. Right to my core.
We've had very good discussions about "okay if we do this, REALLY, how will this work?" And he has made it seem less impossible than I initially thought.
You are right about practicalities Beansmum.
It always has come down to the practicalities for me. I have so many close friends with kids and see how much work it is. It's wonderful too, I see that of course, but I also really have seen what truly being a parent means. And in a way, I'm not afraid of that, I'm not afraid of the hard work, provided I feel certain I/we can really give the baby the chance it deserves. The whole reason to terminate initially was because I felt as a couple we just weren't ready, in many ways, and not just financially. And that I personally wasn't ready.
I have talked with my bf so many times. He even said that my thinking of the practicalities is the signs of me already being a good parent. Which is a bit of a head twister.. But we have laid it all out. He's been so patient and talked it through so often. Poor guy. He also said I have to see my decision positively. Whatever I decide I must feel good about the choice. it's odd. I'm normally the one who jumps up and says "yes! Come on let's just do it!"
What an idiot I am. I don't really know how I came to be this muddled. I was so certain of my choice. I think it's the fact that as a couple we have pulled together so well. I suddenly feel safer about "us" and that makes it feel more of possibility.
I think you're right AGunInMyPetticoat. A big part of me is fearing hurting my bf and breaking his heart/breaking us. And he's 41 and I'm no spring chick at 32 so I feel like we SHOULD be ready by now. Seeing him come to life these past few weeks and step up has really moved me.. He's just going to be so sad. I can't bear it. I know I can't have a baby to make him happy. I know that.
I really do appreciate all your advice and comments and hear you about the councelling. I thought I had it clear. I was an idiot to not seek someone to chat to.
If I wake up still feeling like this I will delay. I know i'll have to.
Although I already feel calmer and more myself than I have in weeks just from this.
Thank you all again.
Very hard decision, I read your post twice and you seem pretty clear about what you want, but I think you may end your relationship in the process.
Good luck whatever you decide, and you are not a bad person.
can i just clarify that i was not saying completely ignore the practicalities - that would be irresponsible and not terribly wise - but what i meant was putting every thing else aside just for a few moments to listen to your heart and what you actually want....
then imo every thing else can be sorted.
How are you today littlemissinapickle ?
Well folks, I cancelled my termination. I just couldn't do it. I am a bit in shock but I actually feel okay. I feel very relieved.
Thank you so much everyone.
Then congratulations are obviously in order - glad you were able to sort out your feelings!
i think, if its relief you are feeling, then you have your answer!
congratulations littlemiss - im sure you will be absolutely fine and best of luck to you.
LittleMiss I found myself in a very similar situation...bar the medical emergency...seven years ago. Both actors my now DH and I had NO money, no plans...nothing and then I found myself pregnant.
We had the baby...my now much loved DD and also another DD 3 years later...we are in NO way finacially sound...we're poor as mice but we have two gorgeous DDs and we have managed to stick together and sometimes do some acting too!
Congratulations...stick around here ....you'll be fine!xxx
Whatever happens, is what's meant to happen.
Good luck OP
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thanks everyone. I think I almost needed to give myself the worst case scenerios and face all the negatives in order to find what I truly felt. I was almost denying myself my feelings. Was worrying too much about my boyfriend's needs and wants and my career and money and... everything. But when faced with the actual decision, I realized I needed to think about me. And think about it actually all being possible and achievable. I hadn't let myself consider it as a positive.
I just feel calm and not frightened anymore. I'm sure I will again, but your stories really help and I just know I couldn't terminate. I just couldn't.
Wow. What a crazy twenty four hours. What a crazy few weeks. Blimey.
There you go then! You can still act...obvously it's not easy but I have several friends with families who are still working actors...male and female. In fact one of them used to take her DD into rehhearsals with her! The director happened to be a lone parent and understood the difficultes..the moses basket stood in the corner of the hall they used and the baby was fed when she needed to be fed and held by various cast members who were happy to jig her on their lap now and then!
Congratulations, and so glad to hear you have got past the emotional turmoil you were in, quite distressing to read. Ypu'll be great parents.
OP I'm really happy that you've been able to make a decision on your own terms - and that you feel more at ease now!
Congratulations! I am very happy for you - and FWIW, I don't know anyone that really regrets going through with a pregnancy, however hard, but there are a lot of women who do come to regret having a termination.
Congratulation Miss Pickle. It was clearly meant to be.
FWIW I have two DC(5&6) work in film and DD was on set with me all day yesterday and they both LOVE coming to my work.
The fact that acting/film/theatre etc is a bit Bohemian dies lend itself to the acceptance of unconventional situations. I can't take my children to work all the time (thank god ) but if I do, it's fine.
Having a baby won't mean the end of everything, it's just the start of doing things differently. And the pay off is worth all the changes you have to make a million fold.
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