Anyone quit a career?

[strawberrycornetto]

I have kind of got to the point where I need to leave my job to retain my sanity. I was considering writing a long post explaining why but I think I will cut to the chase.

I am miserable and its making me ill. I have cut my hours but it doesn't help. I want to leave and be at home with my children. DH earns a good salary but I earn double what he does, so we would have to considerably downsize and I feel extremely guilty and like I am letting down my whole family by giving up on my income.

Has anyone done this and survived it? I'd really appreciate some views or handholding.

[harimosmummy]

I did. I just left. Just didn't go back.
They were obnoxious, deeply deeply horribly sexist and I couldn't deal with it.

I have, since, thought... I should have done this and that and the other.... especially asthe company really rallied around male employees they obviously thought I might have a case against ( I didn't even consider it, but they thought I might)

For me, I haven't looked back. We took some time off, got married (my then DP and I) and we now have 2 kids and I'm retraining as a teacher... so my career change has worked out perfectly.

If that hadn't happened - yes I would have felt very angry at leaving... I lost my career and they protected the tossers who refused to believe I could do the job - cos I had tits (had to be mentioned in pretty much every conversation)

I'm happy with the way things are, but I wish I'd been stronger, as I am sure there is another woman in exactly the same position I was, because I didn't call time on their behaviour.

[strawberrycornetto]

I don't think my problems are sexist exactly. Its kind of the indirect discrimination of it being impossible to combine a really full on career with children in the way that I want to. Also, no one understands that on top of 12 hour days, I still have to come home and be a mum. DH and I are effectively doing 3 jobs between us.

Its good to hear you made positive changes. I do often think change is positive but I am worried about being brave enough to do it.

[harimosmummy]

If I were you, I'd keep doing what you are doing until you have your 'exit plan' sorted.
For me, that was a life change of marriage nd babies.... and that was great.

But, get a plan sorted - what you want to do / how you want it to work.... otherwise, chances are you will end up feeling guilty.

Finding another job when you quit a perfectly reasonable one, well,,, it's not easy.

It's easy to wipe 10 years+ of impecible beheviour from your CV just like that.

[iliketurquoise]

is it possible for you to take a break from your job for a while?
or make some changes in itself?
like harimosmummy said its not easy to get a job nowadays.

[LBsmum]

I quit following birth of DS, couldn't hack the commute, stress of childcare arrangments or thought of being away from him.

I was earning the most I had ever earnt, in a job I really enjoyed, its highly unlikley that I will get into the field I worked in at such a senior level again. I have no regrets, life is short and my DS is growing up in a flash, I figured I couldnt 'have it all' and knew on my death bed I wouldnt look back and think that I was glad to have gone back to work, I will forever be grateful for these few precious years with my son before he goes to school.

If you can afford to quit why not, your family will surely be grateful and will undoubtly benefit from the extra time with you?

[ByTheSea]

I did. We have been living on a lot less money for the last 5 1/2 years, but I am very close to my younger DC especially. Now DH has been made redundant though, so I may need to leave a P/T school-friendly job in a nursery that I really enjoy to go back to the rat race of making far more money, if I can find the work, that is. I'm sure I won't get back in at the level I was though, nor do I really want to.

[strawberrycornetto]

Thanks, that's all very interesting. I know if I leave, its very unlikely I'd get back in. ALso, if I find another job, it is extremely unlikely I would be able to get such a good flexible arrangement.

But I feel that I am killing myself with the hours and the stress. I am still working now tonight and today is supposed to be my day off. The final straw was being told I was valued because I put my job before my life. I realised its true, not really intentionally, but I cancelled holiday over half term last week because I was needed at work. If that's not putting work before my children, I don't know what is.

My family are the most important thing in the world to me and I want the chance to put them first.

[Pendulum]

hello strawberrycornetto, I could have written your post. I feel as though the weeks of my life are slipping past in a desperate blur to manage my job and my home life, there is never any downtime.

OTOH I have trained for years to get where I am and, despite the knackeredness, am performing better than I ever have (it's my own sanity, never the job or the kids, that takes the hit). I enjoy the substance of my work very much, I am just too damn busy. Recently I am have been fantasising about just leaving and doing.......but what exactly?

So no great wisdom from me I'm afraid, but you are not alone. How old are your kids by the way?

[MizZan]

just wanted to say I am in exactly the same boat, and also torn about what to do. Like the company I work for, like the people, the job is interesting but very high pressure, lots of deadlines, client-facing etc. Essentially trying to do a full time job in part time hours - constantly ending up working at night, on weekends, always exhausted. No room at all to not be "on" at work, and no one else in my dept who has the kind of responsibilities I do at home. Tried to transfer to a different department which is much lower pressure and more suited to part time moms (several in there), and was told "We're sure you could do the job in that department, but we need you to stay where you are so your team can meet its targets". Not sure what comeback there is for that - the company laid people off earlier this year and as a part timer I always feel more vulnerable.

My kids are now a bit older but the younger one only has this year before he goes to full time school, and I am conscious that my chance to spend time with him is slipping away. But I'm scared to quit for no "good" reason except to take some time off and then never get back to a decent position again, scared to give up the income, which covers private school for the kids+trips back to my home country to see my family+just about anything beyond our basic cost of living, scared I'm just being an idiot and not appreciating how lucky I am to have a challenging job at a place that's willing to let me work part time and somewhat flexibly. But also feeling like I'm going to keel over at some point from the stress of trying to handle it all (and for what?), and like my kids are not getting nearly enough of my time and attention - but maybe all working mums feel this way? Dreaming of switching careers, starting my own business, writing, freelancing - whatever - but not really sure what I could do, what would make sense, not sure how we could pay for childcare if I'm not bringing in much income because I'm starting something new...anyway, just wanted to say you're not alone, though I don't have any answers. had a long talk about it with DH last night, but his view is I should just get signed off with stress for 4 weeks and figure out what I want to do. The problem is I really don't see what is going to change in 4 weeks.

[sixfoldwaitingtime]

I did it too - and I earned more than DH. But we did it very differently to you, I gradually downshifted my job + we moved out of London (if we'd stayed there, I would have had to keep on working). I now have no career to speak of, although I'm starting doing a bit of teaching in that field, but not what I was at all.

Do I regret it? No, not at all. I have had to change everything about my life - where I live, what I expect to buy/do/have for a holiday. Oh and even, to some degree, fall out with my friends who don't understand me now that I don't shop at Selfridges. I wasn't unhappy about doing these things anyway, and DH and I both wanted a change. But most of all we both wanted to be around DD (he works from home, so has an advantage there).

Not sure this makes sense, but hope it helps.

[StillSquiffy]

I felt exactly the same about my previous job (but for very specific reasons)as you feel about yours - it made me stressed, I couldn't sleep at night and I felt it just wrong to be spending time away from my kids when I didn't feel the time was productive or beneficial.

I addressed it by switching jobs (and career, to an extent). Has it worked? No idea - I don't start until next week! However, I have been on gardening leave for 3 months and although I have loved the time off, it has helped me realise that I am not cut out to be a SAHM, much as the idea might appeal (and appeal very strongly at times). It is certainly less stressful than the juggling thing, but quite mentally exhausting in more subtle ways (eg the tidiness of the house: when I worked I just accepted that things were naturally chaotic, but to be at home and have the house tidy one minute, then tipped upside-down the next? And have the cycle repeated every day? Torture). So I think it is important for you to wrok out if you are trying to flee the specific job itself, or are being drawn to a different lifestyle? It seems you have both in play here - which is the more dominant? I thinkl that should help guide you.

Any chance you can ask for a 3 month sabbatical? If your company value you then they might go for it, even if it seems an odd request to them. Then you can try and see.

[mabh]

Strawberry I think squiffy has some excellent advice - try to work out whether you're moving away from a job or towards being a SAHM. I know you are saying that you have good flexible conditions at your current job, but they're not if you have to work a lot at home, etc. You may find that just switching to a different company fixes the issue, even if, on the surface, the contract seems less good. It's the personality of the company that counts, not what's written on paper.

You do need an exit strategy - either as above, or what will you do when/if you want another job in the future.

I used to be a company director, and earned more money than my DH in a very pricey area. I packed it in because it was driving me nuts (literally). Fortunately, DH's income was increasing, so that helped the decision a bit. I now freelance, but note at a quarter of the income I had before. I have occasionally applied for jobs in my previous sector, and they are not interested but part of that is my former seniority - no-one will take on an ex-director as their subordinate - too many egos at work!

We are often short of money, but at least I'm not likely to keel over before I'm 50, now. And there is hope that we will get our income up over time.

Can you take a week off and spend time thinking these things through?

[KorrallKrabba]

Just done it myself. Thought about doing the sensible 'exit strategy' thing and realised I just couldn't hack it any longer. Like you I had been offered flexibility, retaining a senior level post and commanded respect in the organisation. However, the great parts of my job pre-DC were the real opportunistic moments, being available for action at any given moment; which as a part-time working mother were completely unsustainable. The job was making me miserable, the evening juggling act was driving me barmy and there was a real risk of me doing some mental damage to myself. Do I have a plan now? No, not really; but the chance to get some semblance of control back over our life and future is what's driving me now.

There was a really interesting article in the Observer on Sunday about this issue. I think it does suck that really talented women sometimes do feel their only option is to withdraw from interesting and challenging careers, but I'm hopeful with the freedom of time to think things through and fortunately a very supportive DH that I'll work something out over the next few months.

[NightShoe]

Thank you for that article KorrallKrabba, it was really interesting.

OP, I'm at the point where you are and have been for a while. I stay in my job for my family not for my sanity and it is a sacrifice I often stuggle with. If I left, not only would I be giving up a career I worked hard for but also a lifestyle I have worked hard for and swopping it for who knows what.

I have started doing an OU degree, which has helped loads. On paper it should have made everything even harder, but because it is unrelated to my career and is not dependent on anything it is something that is just for me and it gives me the self worth and enjoyment that I don't get from my job.

I feel like I'm constantly standing at the top of a cliff and too scared to jump. If it was just me then I would positively run off the top, but I have responsibilities, so on I plod.

[snickersnack]

I read this thread at the start of this week, and kept meaning to post, but was too busy at work to do anything about it...which tells its own story.

I feel like I could have written most of these posts. I work 4 days a week, in theory - at least, I am paid for 4 - but Fridays are always interrupted by phone calls, emails, things that need attention. I have client responsibilities, team responsibilities, and am finding things very very difficult at the moment. I am so tempted to just resign, but I feel a lot of loyalty to my boss, and it would put him in a very difficult position.

I'm trying to work out if it's a desire to leave this particular job, or a genuine desire to be at home with the children.
I should feel very lucky - I've got good childcare, which helps, and a supportive dh, and a job that allows me, in theory, to be fairly flexible. The job itself is interesting, and something I've always wanted to do. But I just can't stand it at the moment - even if I'm not at work, I'm thinking about work, and everything else is suffering. Friends, children, relationship with dh, the house is a tip.

But I can't decide how I feel about giving up work and staying at home with the children 24/7. I'm not very good at taking leaps of faith - I need a plan. Maybe an OU course is a good idea - I'll look into that.

But good to have found other people in the same boat - perhaps we could carry on posting as we reach our different conclusions about what to do...

[RHWill]

Hello all,
What a relief to hear all your comments, I really feel that if I showed any six of your comments to my husband he would have thought I wrote them. I am struggling with the fact that I work for an organisation I admire in a job that I love, but after nanny, nanny tax, her train fare, my train fare, sandwich for lunch and dry cleaning I really make no money at all for going to work.
Its hard work too with work being brought home at weekends. I have fairly strong feminist principles and believe in women's equality - but working life and children for me are jsut not adding up.
I am so so confused, I change my mind 12 times a day about giving up or not, My husband would like me to give up - it would make his life smoother and less stressful, yet I find myself clinging on, probabaly nonsensically to my working life. Its what I was brought up to do - but in doing it I find myself stressed and not coping very well ( everyone keeps telling me how marvellous I am at keeping it all going Grr..) but the price I guess is a lack of peace.
My gorgeous 2 year old twins are doing well but one very is so very clingy it makes me so racked with guilt about whether she just simply needs more of me.
What to do???
PS: I did have to give a wry smile at this weeks Obsever contribution to the debate...
((www.guardian.co.uk/theobserver/2009/nov/08/kathryn-flett-having-it-all-mothers))

[Speckledeggy]

RH, it sounds to me as if it's just not working and when things aren't working it's time for a change.

Give up or go part-time but do something. Nothing is set in stone. You may find you have a break then you're ready to return to work in a year or two.

So many people are scared to death of making a mistake but their biggest mistake is not getting out of a situation which is making them miserable. I see it on these forums time after time. All you really need to do is do the thing that makes you feel better. Sounds to me as if it means being at home right now. Be brave! Stop worrying about what everyone will think and stuff the feminist crap of trying to be wonder woman. Everyone will admire you for having the balls to turn your back on it all (for a while at least!).

[strawberrycornetto]

There is loads of good advice here. Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. I have been to busy to get back on a read it all properly, just finished work for the night and having a quick surf before bed.

I had a long talk with my DH and am not really further on. He thinks I should be able to fight the system, I know its not that easy.

I would really like people to keep posting here about the decisions they come to. It would be really useful.

Speckledeggy, I do think you are right about the comment about being scared of making a mistake and the mistake is not taking the chance. I feel that's where I am, I also liked Nightshoe's analagy about standing on the edge of a cliff. That's where I am. I am kind of managing home and work, but sacrificing myself to do it. I am also worried about my long term health and feel terribly guilty about making my family worse off.

The plan DH and I had reached was to sell our house and move further out, where my London commute is still possible but a bit longer. In return, I will cut my days in the office from 3 to 2 and work 2 days at home and 1 off. The plan was originally about downsizing so I could stop work but we both got cold feet. Now I am not sure, so I said to DH I would like either to buy a house we can afford on his income or rent somewwhere to trial the new arrangement. If work gets no better, I don't want to be tied to paying the mortgage as I am now.

I feel less overwrought than last week, but DS was ill today and I hate being forced to take him to nursery and not be there for him when he might need me, because he's had lots of health issues.

Sorry, this is a bit disjointed. I am tried, so I should go to bed. Anyone else any further on?

[Speckledeggy]

Strawberry, how do you feel when you think about each scenario?

1. Selling your house, moving further out, putting up with a longer commute for 2 days and spend 2 days working at home.

1. Selling your house and buying a more affordable house.

1. Selling your house and renting for a while.

[RHWill]

Speckledeggy - Thanks for your input - you offer great clarity of vision. Yes, a fear of making the wrong decision is holding me back from making any decision at all.
Stawberrycornetto - I really feel your anguish on this.
In relation to the commuting option, one small point to consider is that something that has come as a complete surprise to me is that I have just moved out of London and am now commuting into work(50mins train, then 20 min tube, 10 min walk each side and I must say it has been a revelation - the actual train jorney part of it is relaxing, clean and calm and a great place to have a bit of you time. I had been dreading it
I am going into my appraisal shortly and will discuss these issues with my boss - she's wonderful but not a family person. We'll see what happens...
Hope your day is going well busy ladies

[Spikesbigsister]

I didn't earn loads, but had spent long hard years training in my chosen field of academic research. For a while it was my life, and I was hugely passionate about my subject. I would never have believed that my feelings could have changed. I gave up work to start a family and that was nearly 5 years ago. I won't say I haven't looked back, it has been challenging to say the least, but I have spent every day with my children, which is something you can never regret.
Recently, I have had a complete change of direction and started my own business. I am more in touch with my creative side and doing something for me. Although it is hugely challenging, it is also rewarding. You never know what is round the corner.
Another thing! We panicked loads when my contract ended, and worried about the mortgage etc. We have never looked back- you just live within your means and get used to it.
Best of luck- I hope you feel happy in your decision whatever that may be.

[RHWill]

BTW Another contribution from the Guardian
((www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/nov/15/work-mothers-gender-motherhood))

[AxisofEvil]

If your DH earns less, could he give up work instead and be a SAHD?

[Blackduck]

I could have written your post! I quit my job last year and have contracted ever since. My last contract finished in June and I haven't worked since - this has been a major stress to me as I identify and define myself by the work I do so I feel like a non-entity (please SAHMers DON'T jump on this - this is a personal thing). I hated my job and had to get out as I was going slowly nuts. Since end of Oct (when the contracting money 'ran out') I have effectively halfed the income coming in....scary place to be...and I don't know what is around the next corner, and I feel guilty about taking that money away from the family...BUT my ds said 'mummy when you were working you always used to come home all cross and angry' (and its true). There is so much more, there are ways round things, yes, as someone has mentioned, you have to rethink whole areas of your life (not just work) and for me the adjustment has been, and continues to be huge (but that is a lot to do with my personal hang ups and make up), but somehow I do feel this is right, I do feel that I needed to do this and that a lot of my actions (cutting hours etc.) were just a prelude to the final act of leaving.
Re making the 'wrong' decision, you make a decision with the information you have at the time and so there are no rights and wrongs, what there are are decisions......

Will come back to this thread as interests me greatly....!

[skidhorn]

I've just decided to give it all up. I have an extremely high profile job, lots of responsibility and media work at all hours of the day, plus compulsory evening working and regular travel. I'd spent 20 years and fought so hard to get this far in my career. Even I think moulding my character to make sure I succeeded. Now I'm just tying up loose ends so I can stop properly in a few months time.

I decided to stop because deep down this is not the type of parent I thought I would be. I rarely see my children in the evenings and am paying a fortune in childcare - they are 4 and nearly 2.

Am I scared of stopping? Terrified. Am I having an identity crisis? Yes. Do I know what I will do? Not yet. Do I know what I want to do? No. Will we be able to buy that dream house? Unlikely.

But deep within I have a sense of peace because I am back in control of my life and for the first time for years I now have options again. Even if I dont know what I will do with them.

And that's better than the misery of knowing I was doing the wrong thing.

If your partner earns enough to keep you going, quit. Your real friends will stay with you.

And if anyone out there can tell me how to cope with the panic of loss of work identity and status, let me know!