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Small company, only senior woman, making very poor judgement calls and very tired but what to do.....?

31 replies

TheRealStig · 14/02/2009 10:22

I work in a completely male driven environment. I am not a director but a very senior person in the company.

All the directors have SAH wives and they work stupid hours, have pledged their 'lives' to the company it seems and are always prepared to take work calls etc. I am the first senior woman with children they have ever employed.

For example, one of them had a new baby this year. He immediately announced how he was sleeping in a different part of the house so his sleep wasn't disturbed so he could keep sharp to carry on working.

Last week, a director of our company but one who does not work in the UK but happens to be CEO of the whole group asked me for a piece of information. I tried to call the CEO and director of my company but he was abroad and in a meeting so barked at me to call back the next day. Group CEO told me this info was urgent so I gave it to him but made him aware that my director/CEO had not had a chance to approve this info going out.

He said yes yes yes. He then took this info, showed it to a 3rd party and essentially, signed the group up for a large contract without my director/CEO being aware.

I was ripped to pieces by my director. He has a habit of flying off the handle and he reduced me to tears in the space of 5 mins. Although I am not a cryer, this is his way of handling people. He thinks screaming at them gets a point across and I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with it.

I went away, thought long and hard about it, then wrote him a very measured email saying that I had warned the group CEO (unfortunately only verbally) he had not seen the info, had not copied him on the mail where I sent this info as I had not had a chance to speak to him so it would not have made sense if I had and that if there were political issues between the directors, I was not aware of these and as this man was CEO of the whole group (so more senior than him) and a director of our company, I had always taken the view that he was entitled to have this info (in fact, he is copied in on all our reports anyway).

This is the sort of situation I am dealing with every week. But I'm no political animal and I'm finding it very difficult. Everything is telling me to resign and that I cannot work under these conditions and I'm not the right type of person for this job but am I being too hard on myself? Or maybe I am just not capable of making the right judgements?

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Penthesileia · 14/02/2009 10:29

I think you are being too hard on yourself, although - IMO - you did make a mistake.

You don't have to be a political animal, but you do have to cover your back. In this instance, a memo containing the info to the Group CEO, cc'ed to your director, thus leaving a paper trail would've been enough. If you are senior, it should be understood that you can make decisions about certain matters: your director certainly shouldn't be bawling at you like that - either you're senior, or you're not, IYSWIM.

Just chalk it up to experience, and never leave your back exposed like that again. A simple email or memo can hide a multitude of sins, IME.

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Coldtits · 14/02/2009 10:29

Your problem is that the person who screamed at you is a fucking bully.

If he would not get away with speaking to a police officer like that, he should not be speaking like that to youu. Screaming at you until you are in tears is absolutely out of order. make a complaintt

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TheRealStig · 14/02/2009 10:33

Thanks. Yes am completely kicking myself for not putting what I said in an email. My one saving grace is that the whole office heard me say what I said (on the phone) so will back me up if necessary.

My problem is that I have never worked for a company like this where you have to cover your back iyswim

I have always worked for larger companies where things have been a bit more transparent and there are more rules or ways of doing things. What is taking me time to get used to is that in small companies (and this one is quite small) is that there are very few rules and you DO have to cover your back.

Yes, boss is a total bully and known as such. I have raised this with the other directors before who just shrug their shoulders and admit it but say he is brilliant at what he does. What boss does is compensate for it by paying salaries far higher than the market average as if to make up for it .

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Penthesileia · 14/02/2009 10:33

Yes, Coldtits is right.

Examine your contract, and your company's code of conduct/practice document: there is likely to be some paragraph or clause about behaviour in the workplace. I'm sure that your director's behaviour contravened it: you can bring this to the attention of HR, or whatever dept. deals with these matters in your company.

If he has a history of this kind of behaviour, it will not be difficult for you to prove it.

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LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 14/02/2009 10:33

I think if he screams at you again you should leave the room telling him you will be happy to discuss it when he has calmed down. What he did was disgraceful and yes you could complain.

Agree with the idea about paper trail.

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Penthesileia · 14/02/2009 10:36

Size of company or salary no excuse, IMO.

It is clear that you have to change your practice, ie. become accustomed to creating a paper trail (which, apart from covering your own back, is essential in the accountability procedures in any company or business); however, your boss must also adjust his behaviour - totally unprofessional.

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tribpot · 14/02/2009 10:39

I agree that in your situation I would definitely have cc'ed your boss on the email and made it explicit that you were releasing the information at the request of the uber-boss and that he was aware your boss had not seen it/signed off on it.

The behaviour of your boss is a complete disgrace but in a small company you may have no recourse to HR (without committing career suicide in any case) and need to learn to treat his tantrums as you would a toddler's. I assume it isn't only you he screams at but his general 'management technique'? How do the others cope with it?

As to whether you should stay, is it a job that (mad boss aside) you enjoy? What is your career plan? Have long have you been there? Could you have predicted what the culture would be like before you arrived? (Not having a pop, just wondering if realistically this is what you should have expected).

FWIW, it sounds dreadful and not good for your health. It also sounds like you're going to get passed over for promotion because you won't be putting the hours in. The downside if you leave, of course, is that they'll immediately say "there you go, can't employ women with children into senior positions" and go hire another male drone with no life and the glass ceiling gets a few inches thicker.

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TheRealStig · 14/02/2009 10:41

thanks everyone

Penth, could do with you on my shoulder reminding me that in my ear all the time!

(I did email director separately at the time telling him I had sent it but did not cover back re the him not seeing it to CEO )

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TheRealStig · 14/02/2009 10:45

I don't enjoy the job, no

but we need the money....

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TheRealStig · 14/02/2009 10:52

and I was 'told' when I joined that it was an 'easy' job by a friend who used to work for them.

I subsequently found out after she left, that it was very tough environment and that is was actually very unpleasant and political and difficult.

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tribpot · 14/02/2009 10:56

Hmm, so you've obviously had similar roles before in larger organisations. Somewhat less money but a lot more bearable?

Can you stick it out for a credible period of time and then look around again?

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TheRealStig · 14/02/2009 11:04

yes I've done similar roles but always had supportive bosses

I think what I'm finding hard to handle is working for someone who is unsupportive and so quick to 'blame' as it's very key in my role to work as a team with my boss iyswim. Without that working relationship, it's leaving me very exposed but also putting me in a very difficult position.

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woodstock3 · 14/02/2009 22:10

i want to know who is the "everyone" who is telling you you can't do this job? colleagues/peers/people in your profession? or your family and friends? or yourself?
having worked myself in environments where the actual job was perfectly doable but the office politics were horrendous, you need to differentiate between a bearable situation (your boss is a git but you just need to learn how to handle him; your boss is a git but may not be there forever; your boss is a git but you can learn to protect yourself - you say yourself that you could have covered your back here a bit better, although that's not your fault and you'll know next time) and one that is impossible (your boss is a git, your colleagues are all out to get you and life is too short to spend it this stressed).
do you like the actual job? do you like your colleagues or the other senior people? is there someone who could act as an unofficial mentor here (the person who hired you if it wasn't the horrid boss? any other women? any other pleasant human beings?) is your boss the sort of person who would back off if you got a bit tougher? if the answers to these questions is yes, worth brazening it out. if not, start looking.
i've been in this situation twice before: once, i left and have never regretted it; the second time, the evil boss left suddenly having rather satisfyingly shot himself in the foot over something important.
in this environment i wouldn't complain to HR, it sounds like the sort of corporate culture where to do that is interpreted as a sign of weakness (sorry, i know this is wrong but in some offices it works and in some it just doesn't). i would either try and get my head round the office politics or get out.

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tribpot · 15/02/2009 10:40

I think woodstock's advice is very good. Although my purpose in asking you if you'd done a similar role before was to see if moving firms was an option, could you take the pay cut to work for a boss who wasn't a complete "see you next Tuesday"?

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TheRealStig · 15/02/2009 13:25

it's been very useful reading through this because I think this job has been so all encompassing that I've barely had a minute to see the wood for the trees.

In answer to you both, woodstock and trib, I think I could make this job work. But it would require an enormous amount of balls (to be stronger against boss because yes, this is something of a solution) but also it would require a large amount of committment in terms of travelling time and dedication. As I said earlier, all the other senior people are available 24 hours a day and go travelling (abroad) at the drop of a hat. I can't do that but they knew that when they employed me. However the business has expanded enormously and I now feel this is hampering my ability to do the job. I could travel but it would require an enormous amount of organising as I already have a husband who travels and I just do not want both of us doing that.

To be quite honest, I am also not the sort of person who relishes confrontation and I think, to make this job work, I would have to be shouting back at boss all the time. I think he respects people who do this (this is what happens with other men in the office) but I'm not like that at all. It's not in my character and maybe I am just not strong enough to be that sort of person? But quite frankly, I have always prided myself on being the strong, loyal type. I've never seen the need for confrontation in the work place. Because of that, I've always been a very good trouble shooter and an excellent boss (in those staff feedback sessions, I normally rate very highly) because I stay calm in the face of a crisis but what I have discovered with this job, is that I can only stay calm when I am not being bullied and screamed at all the time. I have never encountered anyone as bad as this in all my working years!

I would be relieved if I resigned but I think I would beat myself up for not making it work because it is a lucrative and interesting job but probably not one worth destroying myself for. I can't even look for other work because I have no time when I am doing this job.

Hopefully, boss will have a chat with me on Monday. I want to quit I think but I need to wait for the right opportunity now because he's incredibly self centred and will take me even wanting to chat to him about the way I feel as a direct criticism of himself.

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TheRealStig · 15/02/2009 13:29

when I say I don't relish confrontation, I mean the sort he relishes. Rather than sitting down rationally and talking about problems/issues (the way I would normally do it), the immediate scream in your face reaction. Which he does repeatedly!

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BoffinMum · 15/02/2009 13:43

I've been in male-centric situations like this more often than I would have liked. I find it is impossible to thrive, so in your case I can envisage a future in which you have made many personal sacrifices to try to make it succeed, and the scales would always be weighted against you regardless of this, which makes it feel like a kind of double failure.

I am relieved you are moving towards the idea of quitting because I think it's unlikely to work out in your favour. What could you do to ensure the best exit route possible??

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mamas12 · 15/02/2009 17:42

So sorry to hear your message boff. How depressing.
You may well have to learn to deal with bullyboss by walking away but he also has to learn to deal with a differnt managing technique with you. How likely is that?
Will watch your thread because my bullyboss sounds sooo like yours and having a meeting on Wed but have informed the manager between us that will not stand for any negativity or being shouted at, so we'll see.

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HalfMumHalfBiscuit · 15/02/2009 18:02

Hi,

Just wanted to offer some support. I once had an outrageous dressing down from my boss who was seriously out of line and really upset me (I was 5 months pregnant at the time and he wasn't letting me go to anti-natal appointments / classes in work time etc.). He cited a load of reasons why I had been 'bad' including showing a job advert to a fellow employee, not saying please once when I asked someone for a cup of tea and coming in to work 5 mins late even though I worked late every night and was the best salesperson in the office. I wish now I had a witness in the room. Next time anything like that happens I am going to ask someone from personnel to be a witness because it really upset me for weeks.

Thankfully I am now in a different department with a much more supportive boss and it has made a massive difference.

It turns out the previous boss was jealous as wants kids but its not happened for him yet - a coincidence?

Sorry to rant - just know how bad this kind of bullying can make you feel especially when totally out of order. Please don't take it to heart.

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PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 15/02/2009 18:17

I did a course in transactional analysis and found this excellent in dealing with bullies at work. Basic precept in that there are 3 states parent, adult, child. Bully does the critical parent thing ie shouting. You go automatically into child mode ie crying, aplogising etc idea is that if you refuse to perform to type and stay in adult mode, ie being calm, rational, agreeing with the person, they also have to move into adult mode. I'm on iPod so not a great explanation. But I found it really effective on certain people.

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wheelsonthebus · 15/02/2009 18:36

i don't think it is a question of you not being right for the job, it's just that you work in a macho environment where driven men act like arseholes.
i have a lot of sympathy with that (i have experienced the same).
i was made redundant 2 years ago and found a new job but the atmosphere is much the same in the new place. what has helped me deal with it is knowing that i have been thru the worst and found employment again and that has emboldened me to a large extent. I suppose it's perspective. Don't feel inadequate because you are clearly not. However, if your life is truly unpleasant, think about escape routes. There is no better feeling than thinking 'i could walk away from this if i wanted'. difficult in a recession, i know, but not impossible. good luck.

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TheRealStig · 15/02/2009 18:54

I just wanted to thank every single one of you for commenting. I can't tell you how helpful this has been, really cathartic.

I have only spoken to dh about this and one other person at work so it's incredibly useful to get other people's perspectives.

The stress of the situation has also led me to make more mistakes than normal. It's as though I don't have space to breathe thus I'm not thinking clear and straight. I don't know if that makes sense.

The parent child analysis is interesting as are other people having to work in this environment. I am very very sorry for all of you who find yourself in this position!

Boss is going to want to have a chat with me tomorrow and although I know he is not going to change, I think I am going to lay it on the line with respect to what I think needs to change to enable me to do this job better (which mainly involves employing more people which probably won't happen but at least I would have made my point I think).

I don't think talking about his attitude is ever going to help. He won't change. He thinks he is always right and more annoyingly, think he has the right to always be correct as he is the boss. That's just his attitude. It is definitely bullying. I have tried staying calm (as this is my default reaction) but it seems to infuriate him more as he wants (by his screaming) to either see screaming back or backing down and getting upset. Though he always apologises afterwards (it's like being with an abusive partner I imagine!).

I do want to leave because the environment is horrid and it won't change. It's also a more high risk job that I'm used to which is adding to it. But it may be that I have to bide my time for a while longer till I've, at least, had a chance to look for something else. What I don't want to happen is that it drives me to a nervous breakdown because I do find it very stressful.

I think there are characters who would deal with this better. Dh (rather charitably) was saying how you are either the sort of person who does shout back or you aren't and I'm not that sort of person. Interestingly, the one person who confided in me at work, who said he felt the same way, was one who shouts back so obviously, some people do shout back but it's a front and they still feel shit.

mamas, good luck for your meeting on Weds. Please let me know how it goes!

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tattycoram · 15/02/2009 19:03

I think it's really important to keep talking about it with people outside of work, so that you don't disappear into your own head and think that it is to do with you. Ime if the culture isn't right for you then it never will be, and actually, when I changed career after DS was born, I prioritised finding a culture where I would be happy over pretty much anything else (having worked in a very very competitive industry before).

Can you develop an exit plan - even if it is for a few years time and even if you change your mind about where you want to go, it might be helpful to set your compass so that you can see a way forward iyswim

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tattycoram · 15/02/2009 19:05

I just remembered, something else that I found helpful, when working in the stressful environment that I worked in before, was just writing it all down so that I could get a bit of perspective on it. Also, in any situation in life if you can ask yourself what you would say if a friend told you what was happening, that can often help you see things objectively.

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BoffinMum · 15/02/2009 19:09

Honestly Stig, your boss is a knob. It's really his problem because he's about to lose a good employee.

If it's of interest at all, I did the Springboard course once and we covered the adult/child/parent thing, and I also covered it in a management course work sent me on. It's easier said than done, of course, particularly with knobhead overbearing men (and indeed their female counterparts), but the theory seems pretty sound and it does work.

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