Feeling excluded from team due to having pre-schoolers

[goteam]

I started a new job in late summer. Around 6 of us were recruited externally to a small charity bringing the staff total to 10. I'm the only one with pre-school kids and work 4 days (I have Thursday off).

Anyway, our work Xmas lunch has been scheduled for a Thursday in a few weeks time. When I raised with my manager that this is the only day I don't work and that child care is inflexible she raised the matter of changing the lunch to weds but was told no, the date has already been sent out. Am I right to feel a bit excluded? There was no reason for this particular day as no restaurant had been approached when the date was set out and most other members of staff are full-time. It's only 10 people, not that hard to change.

It feels a bit like booking an inaccessible restaurant and saying to a wheelchair user 'sorry, tough, we have already booked it.'

[DragonsCanHop]

As much as I feel your disappointment you can't really compare unable to attend a Christmas lunch to being denied access for being disabled

Anyhoo, can you arrange to change your working day to accommodate? It does sound quite unfair but I'm sure it must have been an oversite. I'm organising dinner for 90 people. I picked the venue, time, date, set menu and invited everyone it's a yes or no, I can't change things to accommodate unfortunately

[FinallyHere]

We try to accommodate everyone, in a team of fifteen, but invariably someone can't make whatever date we pick. Thursday is a very popular day for tis type of event. We tend not to confirm the date until 'everyone whose preferences have not been accommodated' have been told, as nicely as possible, that we can't work around them. But the fact remains that not everyone can be accommodated.

We also try to work around different people in different years, so you would have a better chance the more times the chosen date has worked against you. Have you any idea how the date was/is chosen? Could you make arrangements to be around next year, if it is 'always' on the day you have off?

I noticed that your title indicated that the issue was the age of your children, rather than the more neutral the day you do not work. Might be worth depersonalising the whole thing a bit, in order to find a way that does work for you. Its such a thankless task, little reward and loads of people objecting no matter what. Sigh.

[megletthesecond]

It sounds like they just didn't think as opposed to deliberately excluding you.

I miss work meals due to being a single working parent. It's how it goes with young kids.

[messystressy]

I work four days and miss many, many a function. There are also about ten in my team. I take it on the chin, shame, but then I am the only one who works flexibly and don't expect the team to revolve around me. Perhaps I shouldn't be so accepting but as another poster said, chances are the day will inconvenience someone whenever it is decided for. In the general scheme of things, I pick my battles and nights out at work is not my top priority.

[drspouse]

With social events that's kind of how it goes, but pipe up next time well in advance and/or suggest a tea and cake event on a day you work.

I've been excluded from a regular meeting that happens once a month on a day I don't work and the day was decided while I was on leave with DC2. That has massively got my goat. It means I have no idea what's going on with that particular project, haven't been consulted as much as I feel I should have been about the bits I am involved with, and never see the off-site people (the location rotates too which makes it worse). Apparently "everyone" was consulted.

[TheCraicDealer]

There's only three Thursday's/Friday's in December before Christmas this year so space is tight in a lot of places. Perhaps that's why they've opted for a Thursday. Thursday's aren't amazing, but I'd be pretty bummed if I was told my Xmas do was on a Wednesday. It's a nice start to the holiday period and I wouldn't want the idea of a boozy (or at least merry) afternoon or evening out tempered by the fact that I knew I had to get up for work for another two days after. I probably wouldn't go unless it was free.

You don't say anything about trying to arrange alternative, one off childcare. I would think that it would be more reasonable to expect you to consider and look into that before asking the rest of the team to rearrange the do to suit you. It's also pretty late in the day for them to be looking at a Plan B.

[goteam]

Dragon, wheelchair comparison was off, you're right.

Craic, I really don't understand what people mean about one off childcare?! We have set days at nursery for two kids which were booked a year in advance and have to give two months notice of any change to schedule. Also the email setting date was only sent on Friday, to which I expressed my issue before anything was booked. Booked on Monday after I had already mentioned it with organiser basically saying 'tough, people have already saved date.' I have spoken to most colleagues who don't care what day it is. The day chosen was entirely arbitrary. I'm the only one who isn't in every day. Anyway, I posted this on chat so will probably leave it now.

[rallytog1]

Do you have a partner, parents, babysitter etc who could look after the dcs for a couple of hours?

Agree with pps though, occasionally missing things is part and parcel of working pt and having dcs.