Feel trapped in a dead end job

[vlou86]

I’m 29 this year and have had the same job within the public sector for the past 10 years. The job itself is completely unfulfilling but the benefits and pay are good for what I do. I was academic at school but after my A levels I struggled with university - I started 2 courses and left both within the first term. Part of my problem has always been that I never knew exactly what I wanted to do. My current job is the only ‘proper’ job I’ve ever had. I’ve worked in various roles across different departments (it’s a fairly large organisation) but haven’t progressed above my current grade (lowest rung of the ladder). There are limited opportunities for promotion/bad overall management and limited training. I also lack the confidence and drive to get myself noticed. I’ve done night classes and courses throughout the past 10 years but I’m very much a quitter when it comes to these things. I’m so unhappy at work at the moment and due to a massive change in the work we undertake my role has changed drastically. It’s causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety. I’m on the lookout for other jobs locally but my confidence is at an all time low and so far I haven’t been invited to interview for anything. I feel like I’ve been stuck in a rut for so long and as I’ve never actually worked anywhere else that I don’t have the ability/skill to actually do anything else. I don’t drive and I know this is also a factor that holds me back work wise – I’ve booked for lessons but I have a great deal of anxiety about driving also (have tried in the past). I was married last year and also have a mortgage. My husband has a good job but doesn’t earn enough to support me in higher education/training to gain some qualifications - I can’t afford to take a real cut in pay. We’re also considering starting a family and I really need to consider this in terms of the great maternity conditions and flexibility offered by my current employer. Can anyone out there offer any words of wisdom? I’m feeling like a failure and so stupid to have found myself with such low prospects at my age. All of my friends/family seem to really have it together by now and I’m embarrassed by my current position. I have the most supportive, lovely husband but I hate feeling that the pressure is always on him to be the main source of income. I know I am making his life miserable at the moment as I am always miserable. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Katiekins86]

Hi Vlou, I didn't want to just read and run. I think most people experience this feeling at some point in thier lives. I would be thinking what's the most important thing to you right now?

Family? Work? Education? Progression?

You're really lucky to have such a supportive husband, lean on him a bit and talk things through, you can't deal with all these issues at once.

I was in a similar situation myself, i'm also very close to you in age and we decided starting a family was best for us - i'm not trying to say that's the best option or that it's all roses but from my point of view it gets me out of that rut and gives me a purpose and time to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Keep your chin up x

[xiaozhu]

Well you've said yourself that you're a 'quitter'... You need to see something (the driving, especially) through.

[wobblebobblehat]

You sound very down on yourself at the moment and somehow you need to change that around.

You describe yourself as a quitter which is a very negative description. You've been with your current employer for 10 years and you're married to a lovely DH so you can't be too much of a flake!

Public sector is much better in terms of flexible and part time working which is really useful if you are thinking of starting a family. I would start by looking there and seeing if there is a role you could get into where you can progress. Is there someone in HR who could help? I assume you're doing something like an admin role at the moment?

A good start in tackling some of those fears would be to start the driving lessons. If we can all do it then so can you. You just need to take small steps and remind yourself you are doing fine. I am sure you are capable of far more than you give yourself credit for!

[vlou86]

Thanks everyone for the replies and you've hit the nail on the head in that I am really in a quandry about what my plan/priorities are. I worry that if I stick where I am and we start a family I'll be stuck there until I retire and don't want to regret not making the move now. However, if I decide to leave and end up in a lower paid job that I might not actually enjoy any more that I will regret losing the conditions I am currently offered. Driving is a good place to start I know - I've booked in for an off road lesson next month (earliest I can get in) as my nervousness on the roads is part of the problem. I've spoken to the instructor about my concerns and he sounds v good. I know I'll need to force myself to persevere with it though and I just feel embarrassed that I find it so difficult. The when to start trying debate is a conversation we've been having - I'm swaying more to starting a family than trying to forge a career but I don't want to feel like I've decided to have a baby just because I'm unhappy at work. We both want kids but neither have had a strong desire to start trying yet until now. I'm not naturally maternal and I worry about my abilities as a potential mum too. My husband thinks I should focus more on getting a new job for now, I think he might also suspect I'm just thinking of ways to get out of work! I'm just going to take things a day at a time as think I'm overwhelming myself with trying to plan how all things are going to come together and over thinking things. I have this obsession that before we have a baby everything else must be in place and feel like I've ran out of time - but I know life doesn't actually work like that. Thanks again, I really appreciate that people have replied and it has helped just getting things off my chest.

[wobblebobblehat]

From what you have said, I would try and get the job sorted first. At least then when you have a baby you can choose between staying at home or going back to work (without dreading it).

It sounds as if you spend a lot of time worrying over nothing. You waste an awful lot of energy by doing this and the upshot is that you aren't achieving anything useful. Far better to make a decision and act on it. If it's wrong then make another decision and do something else. You will never get anywhere if you are too paralysed to make a decision. Some of the most successful people have failed hundreds of times. The difference is they get up, dust themselves off and start again.

Another thing I'd suggest you do is to start telling a new story about yourself. Stop describing yourself as a flake, a worrier, a failure, stupid, etc. Go through your story and work out who you are from a positive perspective. So... you did really well at school getting 'A' Levels and accepted onto two university courses sadly they didn't work out but you've been with your current employer for 10 years and you're a committed and loyal employee. You've moved between departments so you are flexible and can adapt to change.... Get my drift?

'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' is a really good easy read that would really help you I think.

[savickowl]

get some careers advice. you can book free sessions with the National Careers Service (see their website).
or get a workbook like what colour is your parachute.
I'd recommend putting a bit of effort into your career decision making. increase your self knowledge re your skills, interests, values etc so you can make a good career decision.
good luck.

[diamond457]

I am in the exact same boat. I am in a stressful job that i hate, my manager is a perfectionist and expects me to be perfect and i get pulled up for petty things every week even though i slog my guts out, trying my damn hardest!
i dont know what i want to do either. One minute i think about training in childcare but the expensive college fees and very competitive to get a job out of it puts me off. I work with animals, so i dont have a great skill background as this is what ive always done and qualified in.
i want to start a family also, but knowing i will be looking for a new/ better job doesn't give me confidence of security.
you should have driving lessons. I failed my test five times. Its expensive, disheartening, frustrating but once you pass its so worth it! It will open lots of doors for you.
no real words of advice, but please know your not alone. X

[feckitall]

I didn't want to read and run. No advice but you aren't alone. Good luck OP!

I'm educated to A level standard and am doing a p/t degree.

I'm 48, returned to work after caring responsibilities aged 40. Made it clear I wanted to progress. I can't get off the bottom rung..each time I think I'm being taken seriously I find there is an ulterior motive. (i.e. promoted for 'experience' for a few weeks to be demoted as a scapegoat for department/managerial failure.)

[vlou86]

Just seen latest replies, sorry. Thanks everyone for the advice/words of encouragement. Found out today that I have an interview on Monday it's given me a boost - fingers crossed as the job sounds varied and interesting. Driving lesson booked for next month. I'm feeling a lot more positive!

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

OP your post terrified me because I thought I'd written it and forgotten about it.

Identical, I also do not drive although have had plenty of lessons and will happily stick L plates on the car and do the driving if DP can't be bothered. However when it comes to booking a test I just can't.

What does push me on is that I do have a Dd. At first it made me feel even more useless as how can I lead somebody through their working life when my own has been so insubstantial.

I am trying to force myself to take the plunge and make changes that will force me to making further changes. (Ie: taking a new job not served by the train so that I have to sit my driving test.)

[vlou86]

Hi just logged in and seen additional replies - thanks so much for the words of encouragement everyone. It's so nice to hear that you aren't alone - with the driving as well as work issues. Feckitall - so inspiring that you're doing your degree - it's something I've considered but not has the guts to follow through with. diamond457 - it's so reassuring to know other people feel like this too, especially when it comes to the driving! Well done for passing your test & persisting with it. trolltherespawn - can't believe you felt you could have written the post! I do feel worried about the thought of bringing up a child when I feel I'm not so successful as a role model! But learning slowly not to be so negative about myself. I think I've let these feelings build internally for a while now and it's done me good to vent. Trying to be more pro active and positive in my approach to things. Had a job interview today, I have very limited interview experience and I was very nervous but I'm proud of myself for keeping calm and actually getting the interview in the first place. I need to build confidence to feel like I can actually progress and change my current job as I have never known anything else. It's scary but exciting at the same time. I'm trying to push myself like you are as I know I'm the only one who can change my situation. Do you find it difficult caring for your dd without a license? This is something that worries me if worst case scenario I never manage to pass my test - it's a relief to know there are people out there in the same boat xx

[Jackieharris]

I'd say maybe just get on with having a family now.

Do you really want to build up another job then quit for a year then another after only working in it for a year or 2?

Also lots of women change careers/retrain after DCs. That may suit you more.

You say DP can't support you for further study but how will he support you on mat leave?

Will your current pay cover childcare for 1/2 DCs? Are you intending on sahming for a period of time?

[vlou86]

Hi Jackie
I know, it's a quandary I've been in regarding whether to change jobs now as I would need to build up a year or two in a new job before considering maternity. I've been struggling with what the best decision is and generally get conflicting advice from people my dh couldn't support me in full time education - all of the courses I've ever investigated/been interested in are full time. The maternity package in my current role is extremely good, depending on how long I took we would have to tighten our belts nearer the end but it would certainly be do able. I would then be looking to return to work at reduced hours but luckily we would have help from my husband's parents to help with childcare, although we would likely look at nursery for some of the week. I'll be completely honest we haven't looked at exact plans and figures as we haven't seriously considered starting trying before now but we would certainly be able to manage I think. Of course if my job changes it might not be so straightforward. As I said I feel extremely unhappy in my current job at the moment and I'm eager for a new challenge. The interview I've just been to is for a job which sounds very varied and rewarding, however it is in the charity sector and I would be taking a cut in pay and would also feel it was potentially less secure. We have a lot to think about but like I said I have a very supportive dh so I'm very lucky. I don't want to feel trapped in my current organisation purely because the t and c's are so good but I can see the benefits of grinning and bearing it. If I am offered the other job it will be a difficult decision!