Self help books for bullying in the workplace-any good ones out there?

[crushedintherush]

Hi, I have recently posted about a work colleague who has been making my life a misery, and I feel my confidence has died a death, and I'm finding it hard to be myself.

I have always been described as quiet by nature, conscientious. But I am also friendly, and love to have a laugh like everybody else, but this part of me is missing, presumed dead.

I'm looking for books that can help to build my self esteem and be able to (or try to, at least), combat the bullying and find ways of fielding off nasty remarks with some quick fire assertive answers.

I need to change/improve the way I come across, as I am looking for a new job, and don't want my lack of confidence to follow me there when I find one.
Any ideas? MTIA

[cupcakemumma]

Hello,

Sorry to hear you've been having a difficult time of it at work, we've all been there with some prat or another who likes ruling the roost and making others feel small. Each place of work has one of these plonkers.

The reality of the situation is most likely that your colleagues notice that this idiot is also being rude and attention seeking.

We're all made of different stuff, your confidence is still there and no one can take that away from you! As tough as it is, try and develop feelings of anger instead of sadness about how this person is making you feel. You don't have to put up with this crap! You're a professional, at work. If this colleague/big gob can't manage his/her behaviour then your manager needs to take her/him to one side, or better still, you take this idiot to one side and say that this behaviour is getting on your wick and they need to leave you to do your job without any hassle and concentrate on theirs. Tell them that you won't hesitate to take this further if things don't immediately stop and most importantly, tell them "when you act in this way -example-, it makes me feelexample-." They will most probably shit themselves in surprise at your assertiveness.

You can do this. Please believe in yourself x

[crushedintherush]

thanks, cupcake, I've already complained of her behaviour and I've found the supervisor unhelpful. I know my colleague is not the type to reason with, and I find it hard to be assertive by nature. I am collecting records and keeping a diary as advised on my previous posts in case I take her through the grievance process. I don't expect you to read through my previous posts as they are too long, but they explain so much more.

Where I am today is that I'm looking for another job. I don't feel I'm going to get anywhere in my current situation. But I need to get myself prepared mentally. I don't want 'victim' stamped on my forehead when I start a new role. Any confidence I had has taken a battering

[cupcakemumma]

I really do feel for your situation and understand where you are coming from. I myself had a very challenging time with becoming more assertive. You are not a victim because you're seeking advice and sticking up for yourself right now :)

Life is too short to be unhappy in your workplace, it seems very clear that you are a decent person working in a very irresponsible team, especially if your manager isn't dealing effectively with this person. Maybe they too are intimidated by the behaviour of this awful colleague.

If you feel like this is really effecting you, maybe you would benefit from speaking to someone professional to help you get rid of these confidence issues and improve your assertIveness, that's what I did, I saw a counsellor and it was so invaluable to my career. X

[Lovemynailstoday]

I agree--talk it out with someone like a counsellor. I too have been to hell and back with a bully and finally walked away as management are powerless these days. Their role is to protect the bully.

DO find another job and start over. It may help you feel better to know that bullies target popular "nice" people who are good at their job because they represent a bigger threat to them. It is all about power. Don't waste time trying to bring him/her to justice, it will never happen (in my experience). I am much happier now that I don't have to work with such toxicity. Best of luck. There is nothing wrong with you and you don't need "fixing"!

[crushedintherush]

thanks, lovemynails, You hit the nail on the head with 'managers are there to protect the bully' fact. So, no, I won't bother with the grievance procedure.

My colleague is off next week for 2 weeks, so at least I'll have some peace and quiet. And work on my CV.

[crushedintherush]

and cupcake, yes, I might have a look at counselling, which type did you go for?

[newgirl]

maybe the bully will come back refreshed and nicer - lets hope so

few phrases 'did you mean to say that out loud' , 'what a strange thing to say', 'im not sure about that shall we ask 'boss'

gives you time to think and respond as you wish

[crushedintherush]

I wish that was the case, newgirl, she'll be worse as she'll have been away, having no 'control' over the workplace or me for 2 weeks. Thanks for your positive look on it though.

[newgirl]

:(

at least you have two weeks to rehearse your killer lines

[crushedintherush]

well, thats true, newgirl, maybe practice a killer stare or two as well

[GW297]

Counselling would be very useful if feasible for you. I found 2 books particularly helpful - Tim Field Bully In Sight and Andrea Adams. Sorry this is happening to you - I've been there and it's awful.

[cupcakemumma]

Hiya, I saw a psychologist, you'd be surprised at how many people are seen due to confidence issues - the lady who helped me is amazing and has also treated many sports and business people for the same thing.

Go for it, you find out a lot about yourself through the exercises you are given to help train your brain. It is fascinating stuff and you'll find yourself letting go of worry and feeling fantastic once again.

I'd say too that with a new start in a new job that the world is your oyster, you've got some great advice and support on here in this thread.

Ignore the idiots at work and don't waste another negative moment on them, they don't deserve your attention. You're a busy lady with a lot of exciting planning to do! :-)

X

[crushedintherush]

gw297- thanks very much, I have noted the titles and will have a look out for them

cupcake-thanks for your support too, yes I'll certainly have a look into seeing a psychologist. I work for the NHS, so can hopefully self refer.

You are right also in saying there has been great advice and support on here, I feel so much better now, everybody has been wonderful. Grateful isn't the word, believe me

[GW297]

That is the flip side, you realise how many good people there are in the world too who will go out of their way to help and support you when your confidence and self esteem have long departed.

[Strongandcourageous]

I support and advise a lot of people who are the targets of bullying and harassment at work. If you would like to get in touch you can contact me via my website tamarawest.co.uk. I have also suffered from workplace bullying and know what you are going through.

[cupcakemumma]

Great to see smiles :) all will be we'll x

[crushedintherush]

Sorry for not getting back sooner, haven't stopped since I got home from work.
Wasn't a bad day today but now she is off for 2 weeks

thanks strong, I will take a look at your website over the weekend. I will have more time then.

Thanks to you all, I feel much better.

[Strongandcourageous]

That will give you a very much needed breather for two weeks. You need it. Hope to hear from you.

[crushedintherush]

strong-I have found your website and have downloaded your book 'woman of valour' I'm in the ' thinking about it' stage as far as counselling is concerned, a little scared, perhaps, but it doesn't mean I won't.

A thought has occurred. Our union rep is the charge nurse in our dept. While she is off, I might have a friendly informal word with him by way of conversation. I know he asked her to do something for him on Thurs, and she didn't do it. He was a bit miffed as it was urgent. I was a bit miffed as I had to sort it out myself. Her intention, I suppose.

I may take that as a lead about her not being helpful/ not doing what she says she is going to do. Watch this space

[Strongandcourageous]

Thank you for downloading my book.

I think you will find counselling very helpful. Dealing with a bully saps all the strength and confidence out of you.

Just remember that the reason this colleague is bullying you is because she finds you a threat in some way; she has low esteem and is lacking in confidence even though it may not appear that way on the surface. I bet you are very good at your job. Keep telling yourself that "I am good at what I do" and when she starts her verbal abuse keep your answers short such as, "You think so?" "That is your opinion." Do not be dragged into an argument with her. On no account try to reason with your colleague when she returns because that will only encourage her to bully you more because she sees that her tactics are succeeding. Make sure she knows several times that you think her behaviour is unacceptable, (make a note of the dates in your notebook) because then she cannot later claim that she had no idea you felt that way. If you have any written examples of bullying, make sure you keep them and store them in a safe place. Hard as it is, try not to let it show how much the bullying is affecting you. If the bully thinks she is not succeeding, there is a possibility that she will eventually stop.

Let me know how it went with your union rep. He should help you, that is his role.

Try my tactics. The idea is that you should start to feel more in control of the situation.

All the best.

[Strongandcourageous]

And feeling more in control will help you to feel better and your confidence will return.

[GW297]

That is fantastic advice! I would second all of that.

[crushedintherush]

thanks strong, I've read the book, yes already, and can relate to a lot of the feelings the victim had. Derek is just awful

I will go with the tactics you mentioned.

Gw297, also thanks for your support.

Will keep you posted xx

[Strongandcourageous]

You are a quick reader! Wow!

I am thinking of you.