SAHD - Resentful Working Mum

[frankie1977]

Hi everyone

I am new here and just hoped someone could give me some advice / words of wisdom / encouragement or similar....!

I have a 6 DD. I am a banker and my DH is an engineer. I earn about 3 times more than him so when I was pregant we decided that he'd be a SAHD. He's studying for an MsC and looking after our DD. He's doing absolutely brilliantly. Frankly, I don't know how he does it - DD is soo happy and lovely and he's powering through his study. He's brilliant.

I however am a wreck. I have always hated my job - sort of drifted into it by mistake and always wanted to be a SAHM. I am soo miserable and sooo jealous of my DH getting to spend all this time with my DD. Our DD. I am sure she loves him more than me now - she smiles like mad whenever he comes into the room and giggles like crazy. Maybe he just knows better how to make her laugh. Either way.

I am not coping well at work as I am so resentful of the time here. I know its logically the right decision. Even if DH went back to work and we lived off his salary, the nature of his job is that he is away for long periods of time (and then back, off work for long periods of time). I know he;d hate being away from us for so long and I'd hate it as well so it's not much of an option.

I also just feel so trapped. Net result is I am being absolutely horrible to DH when I seriously don't want to be - it just happens and we have horrible rows all the time. It's my fault - I know it is, but I don't know how to stop it.

Any words of wisdom????

Thanks

[JellyMould]

Did you say she's 6 now? So at school? Would it be possible to rearrange your working hours so you're home early (eg 3pm)1 day a week? I do this and it makes a big difference.

I think the first step is to talk to your h about your feelings though.

[mellowcat]

Is there anyway you could both do part-time. I know it would be a drop in salary but even if you still did 3/4 days you might feel a little better.

[habbibu]

Yy, try to find a pt option. Is she 6mo?

[feltflower]

'It's my fault'. No it is not! You made a decision to work and for DH to stay at home and it has simply turned out to be the wrong decision because it has not made you happy. That is human and there is no right or wrong in what you are feeling - it is simply how it is. We often do not realise how we feel until we try things out. But it sounds like there was a choice in this - and so that choice can be changed/ reversed/ modified. Nothing is cast in stone unless we make it so.

You also should not feel that because you earn more you have to spend more time in the office - you have an equal right to enjoy time with your DC and to be happy in your career.

However your DH deserves to understand how you are feeling - he should not be a target for your bitterness unless - having told him how you feel - he refuses to respect it and refuses to engage positively in working out a solution for you both.

You need to move forward as a couple now and re work things so that you are both happy. If you allow things to go on as they are your resentment fester and that will pull you apart as a couple.

Presumably there is no plan for this situation to go on forever in any event? Perhaps once he has done his masters it can be time for you to look at retraining or a lateral move that gives you more flexibility. If you see an end to this maybe it will be easier to live with it in the short term.

Good luck - I do feel for you - I am also a full time working mum and have really resented it!

[MsWu]

It's a pity you feel that way. The best advice given here so far is speak to your husband - money can't be the be all and end all.

To resent either working or your workplace is a terrible place to get to because it will affect your relationship.

Find a quiet time to air your feelings outside the house (a meal/drink, just the two of you) with no child in tow (find or pay a sitter) and chat about it with love.

Part time does not seem like an option if you hate your job. You may need to consider looking for another job. If hubby doesn't support that and would prefer the income, then he should find one that pays and go out and do it.

On the other had depending on your endurance, you could agree that you stick the job out until the MSc is done and then it's his turn. Masters is only a year.

Good luck