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Feeling awful, like I've put both my big bloody enormous feet in it

(8 Posts)
PingPongBat Wed 17-Feb-16 18:28:40

Mum died a year ago on Saturday and I've been acutely aware of the date, it's been in the back of my mind for months.

I thought it would be nice to give my Dad some company so suggested to DB that we have dinner with Dad on Saturday night. Not in any way to mark the occasion, just to make sure Dad wasn't on his own. My reasoning was that when it was their wedding anniversary a few months ago Dad seemed bewildered & a bit upset that no-one seemed to remember, or say anything to him. So this time I wanted to make sure he knew family were thinking of him & to do something nice. But I think I've committed a huge gaffe.

Having spoken to DB and Dad today, it turns out that DB had deliberately not remembered the date, wanting to avoid it. And Dad seemed surprised (? maybe not quite the right word) but he obviously hadn't been thinking about it either when I suggested he might like some company. So neither of them were thinking about it, and now they are, because of me sad

I feel like I've just jumped in with both feet and most likely upset them both by bringing back memories. I feel upset & guilty & awful. I'm not upset with them for not remembering, I'm upset that I've upset them. I feel so stupid. I said to DB that it wasn't my intention to mark the occasion and we don't even have to talk about it but he said "well we can't have dinner on the anniversary of mum's death without talking about it can we?". Of course he's right. He did smile half-indulgently as he said it (he still sees me (in a nice way) as his baby sister, which I am I suppose), but still... it felt pretty awkward. Shit.

You had no way of knowing that your dad felt this way, and your suggestion of dinner was made out of love and care - I am sure your dad will know this, and will appreciate the thought.

ClaudiaWankleman Wed 17-Feb-16 18:37:50

Not remembering the date is more unusual than wanting to remember it.

Not only have you acted in a kind and thoughtful way, you have done so in a very socially acceptable manner. You haven't put your foot in it at all.

PingPongBat Wed 17-Feb-16 18:43:00

I think he does SDTG, I hope so anyway. I hope we can talk about her, not her death but about her. I miss her.

Thank you Claudia you're so kind. That's what I was trying to do. Just feeling so low this week and this has thrown me completely.

BackforGood Wed 17-Feb-16 18:45:38

Aw, you haven't put your foot in it at all. None of us know how we are going to feel, or whow we are going to react to different things in grief, and it's good to realise that we are all different in what we do. No-one is upset - they understand what your thinking was. Don't worry.

Helenluvsrob Wed 17-Feb-16 19:00:32

Aww ping my lovely it's so hard isn't it. Mums anniversary was yesterday and I was thinking about you this morning thinking they were only a few days apart.

My feeling is sod trying to forget. It doesn't work. Raise a glass of her favourite beverage, tell her off for going too soon and have a chat to or about her and the good times. You didn't put your foot in at all.

Dh inconveniently went to see his parents ( making me v jealous sad )then got stuck on the m25 so I spent the evening chatting to mum watching " back in time for the weekend, the 1970s" so very much the decade of lovely child hood family times, whilst drinking baileys for her.

I didn't see dad. I still feel guilty about that but I don't think it would have been good for either of us.

ajandjjmum Wed 17-Feb-16 19:27:23

Mum and I normally avoid talking about the fact it's a 'special' day, although we did on what would have been my Dad's 90th birthday.

It's our way of getting through it without upsetting each other.

I know of other people who go out for dinner and celebrate the life of their loved one each year, which is what suits them.

We're all different, but your DF and DB will know that your suggestion was made with love.

PingPongBat Wed 17-Feb-16 20:37:55

Hi helenluvsrob, I've been thinking of you too, and saw your thread the other day. I remember that our mums died a few days apart, and I remember much virtual hand holding as they both faded away thanks I've never really chatted to mum as you describe, I think I'd end up in floods if I did. We all have our different ways of coping and remembering. I'd like to raise a glass of mum's favourite drink to her, but it was Dubonnet & lemonade which I can't stand, so I'll have some of her favourite sweet wine and dark chocolate instead.

Now I've had dinner with DH & the DCs, and some wine, I'm feeling less wobbly. It just all gets overwhelming sometimes and I can't think straight.

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