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Caring for parents

(4 Posts)
ilovethewinter Fri 18-Sep-15 14:32:09

Hi to cut a long story short,I'm staying with my parents and have been for nearly 3 months now helping my mum look after my dad who is bed bound and can't do anything for himself.They have carers in but he still needs us.My relationship with my mother is terrible and we disagree on most things!If it wasn't for my father obviously I wouldn,t be there.I am an only child.The main problem is although I want to look after my father,I am nearly 50 and married(no children) and it means I'm away from my own home and husband apart from a once a week visit for a few hours a day.My home is 2 hrs away! I feel really stuck and can't even stay with my Dh overnight as I don't feel I can leave mum and dad overnight.Them having more care is totally out of the question as they are SO stubborn,it just isn't going to happen,despite many arguments.The one time I tried to get more help I was banned from the house!
Also I have had to give my work up at the moment to do this and I know I shouldn't say this but my mum is paying £300 a month!! Which really is not enough to survive on!as my Dh is on quite a low wage,so I'm using my savings to live on a the moment.
I just wanted to know if anyone else is in this situation or has been at some point.All advice and help would be appreciated,thank you.(sorry it wasn't so short after all!)

CMOTDibbler Fri 18-Sep-15 14:57:40

I'm not in this situation - though my parents have been incredibly stubborn about getting sufficient care. But for the sake of you, your husband, and your marriage you have to put an end to this - you can't go on like this.

What would you like to happen? How much more bought in care would work, or does your dad need more than could be provided externally at home?

Is there anyone your parents trust - friend, dr, district nurse, priest - who could then back you up with the need for more care? I've found that my parents listen to those in authority far more than to me.

whataboutbob Sat 19-Sep-15 20:22:55

ILTW- sorry to say this but it sounds like they have you just where they want you. Maybe you need to ask yourself why you are doing this? A sense of obligation, or guilt maybe at asserting your own feelings and needs?
You have made a perfectly sensible and valid suggestion (more paid care) and they have chosen to punish you for doing so.
You don't state what condition your father has, or what sort of prognosis might be involved. But that level of involvement is usually only manageable to the short term, in a crisis or at end of life. Please do not let it drift into a permanent situation. Your mental health and relationship will suffer, as night follos day.
Sorry if this sounds over dramatic, but i've been there with the guilt monster and feeling i had to do it all. The irony is, historically my relationship with my Dad wasn t even so good and he was often a lousy parent. It took me 2 years of counselling to make sense of it all, but it helped me to see that my plan to move in with him and be his carer (he has Alzheimers) would have been utter madness.

CPtart Sat 19-Sep-15 20:43:25

My DM has been in a similar situation over the last year. She now has to have counselling and is on medication for blood pressure due to the constant and completely unrealistic demands of my grandparents.
Don't be my DM. Make a stance and step away. This situation is not sustainable. My DM would gladly forego all her inheritance and have that money spent on professional carers rather than be guilt tripped into giving up a chunk of her life like this.
I really hope I am not so selfish to expect my children to be my carers when I age. It is utter selfishness.

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