AIBU to want respite for MIL while we are away?

[rara67]

MIL had a fall/ faint outside the supermarket when we were away at half term (not sure of the details as she went to hospital and the report hasn't got back to her GP yet). We only found out about it because my DM phoned DMIL while we were away and she wouldnt agree to lie to us, as MIL didnt want us to know.

My DH has another 2 weeks off in the summer and wants to go away again with our 2 DSs. MIL lives alone, doesn't look after herself properly and has been in hospital several times in last 2 years following falls. She will not accept any outside help. She lives 50 miles away. DH is an only child.

Her best friend (81 years old) called me yesterday to say how worried she was about MIL. This gave me the idea about respite while we are on holiday. I would feel so much more relaxed knowing that MIL was safe and being looked after while we were out of the country. She can afford it but she is very stubborn and a heavy drinker. Should we even suggest the idea?

[ancientbuchanan]

It's really hard. Could you suggest she goes on holiday to somewhere ( separate) too? Or could you suggest, even give her the support that help the aged do, where you sign up and they come and see you, or take you out, dependent on what package you buy ? Or has it got to the stage where you want to ring SS though the cuts are so deep that they may not be able to offer much?

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

If she won't accept help at home, she is unlikely to agree to respite care. I think your best bet is to work on her regarding care at home.

[Penfold007]

What a difficult situation. MIL doesn't seem to have any formal diagnosis so in the unlikely event that she would accept a respite break it would have to be privately funded and that could cost £1000 or more for two weeks.

[rara67]

Thanks for your support. I will look into more care at home (she has a cleaner). She will have to do this privately as SS have been involved after hospital visits and it wasn't very successful. I think she needs a PA/driver to take her to appointments. Her best friend was concerned about her getting from the front door to the taxi, she's that frail and unsteady.

There is the cash to pay for the respite (she left DFIL over 30 years ago but never divorced him, so when he died five years ago.... another long story).

I don't want to resort to emotional black mail but DH is her only child and a complete "golden balls" so if she thought she was stopping him from going on holiday she might think twice. It doesn't seem fair that we have the worry and that the people we leave behind are DMIL's BF (who doesn't drive and has a poorly DH) and my DM.

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. I do feel more encouraged. Thanks again.

[ancientbuchanan]

We organised an increasing amount of care for DM, beginning with popping twice a day, eventually to 24 hour care. There will be domicilliary care available in your area, it's a question of organising and, gulp, paying. Do make sure she is getting the non means tested benefits for which she will be eligible, as every little helps.

[rara67]

Thanks Ancient. I am thinking about using Mumsnet Local to see if anyone would be available to do the PA role just while we are away. What benefit could she be entitled to? After a major fall in October 2013 I did look at the forms for DLA but I know she wouldn't want to answer the personal questions (although I think that not having a bath or shower for 4 years and still not smelling is something of an achievement to be proud of - sorry to joke when I don't know your DMs circumstances but its a way of coping). DMIL does have a Lifeline band but that obviously doesn't work outside.

Update: DMIL has just phoned! She knows her BF has called me and so I took the opportunity to give her a gentle rollicking and told her how much we care and want her to be safe. Even managed to mention the holiday, although she seems to think its OK to rely on her neighbours (in their 80's with bad gout and cancer, so hardly fair to put more pressure on them). Think I will contact the respite care home and get them to send a brochure to us and to her.....thanks again, feels so much better just typing!

[ancientbuchanan]

She ought to be eligible for £ 50 or £70 per week non means tested. The dal stuff is virtually impossible to get, if she can get herself up. You need to talk to your local SS.

Yes, the all over wash technique is v useful. Needs to be taught to everyone for if their boiler breaks down...down as far as possible, up as far as possible, the possible.

Google home care or domicilliary care in your local area.

We persuaded DM to have additional secretarial work to help sort out papers which then morphed into stuff. And we did persuade her yo gave respite care after pneumonia.

Can I suggest, if you can bear it and afford it, that you think of an incentive? Eg that after this respite care your DP will know she is on good enough form for him to take her away for a weekend?

Well done for broaching it and good luck.

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

You can apply for Attendance Allowance which is not means tested. Download the form here

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

If you are looking for a PA there are specialist agencies who can help. Your local council may be able to help with a list. Please make sure the person is properly trained and DBS checked. Good luck!