Don't know what to do or where to start...

[NewName228]

...and feel a bit of a fraud posting here as I know many other people on this thread have much bigger issues, but I just need to offload and would be really grateful for any suggestions as to what I can/should do to try and help both them and me.

Mum and Dad are 76 and 77 respectively, live in their own home, no money issues, mum still drives. We have no family locally, I am an only child and they and DH have a difficult relationship, so whilst he is sympathetic to me, he is not a great deal of practical help as he largely avoids them as much as possible. This has all come about over several years and is at least 6 of one/half a dozen of the other.

So...Mum and Dad. They have a catalogue of minor/moderate health issues between them - high blood pressure, high cholesterol, arthritis, neuropathy, super ventricular tachycardia, diabetes, angina, prostate issues for dad, recurring UTIs for Mum. Mum is also hard of hearing - she had had three hearing aids on the NHS now and finds reasons/excuses not to wear them which is incredibly frustrating. Dad suffers with insomnia and depression.

Dad has been going downhill for a few years. He is frustrated that he cannot do what he would like to because of age, health issues and mum being emotionally quite demanding - she suffers with separation anxiety and panic attacks - even my taking him out for the day within a 10 mile radius has caused meltdowns in the past. He used to go out for walks
which gave him some escape, but he has bouts where he suddenly loses sensation/strength in his legs and after a fall 1.5 miles from home 18 months ago he has lost all his confidence and only goes out to get the newspaper these days. Mum is constantly trying to 'gee him up' and making comments about him doing nothing which gets him down. Apparently for the last few weeks he has frequently been getting up for breakfast then going back to bed until dinner time.

They have a three bed semi with a fairly average garden but now it's summer Mum can't keep up with it if Dad is flagging. They also have just one upstairs loo which is increasingly becoming an issue (they do cope with both these things but Mum would rather not). They have investigated having an extension and moving but Dad is very negative about both and even my headstrong mum won't go ahead without his agreement. I think the extension would be a better idea - less hassle, less 'wasted' money (i.e. fees, stamp duty), they can stay where they are settled and ultimately it will increase the value of the house. In order to move to somewhere that suits my mum's exacting specificationthey would need to use the equity in their house, plus their life savings and mum is also talking about equity release. She is very good with finances but it sounds terrifying.

There are also issues with their wills which are worrying me, and I feel it is probably time discuss POA as a purely precautionary measure.

I visit with my DD every weekend for the best part of a day and phone/message them every night. If I don't get in touch I'll get a PM from Mum along the lines of "I suppose you've forgotten us. Oh well, nice to know we're important to you," which is really wearing. I actually do enjoy their company a lot of the time, but the pressure and expectation that comes with it is getting really hard to cope with. On a practical level I'm starting to wonder if I need to visit mid week as well, but with work and my own family and home it's tricky, particularly since if I do something a few times (like the weekend visits) it will becomes set in stone and all hell will break lose if I can't go on some occasions.

Sorry, that's so long and I really don't know what I'm expecting anyone to say. I'm worried and scared and tired and I have no idea how to help them and no-on in real life to discuss it with. Any support/suggestions gratefully received.

[clarad]

Didn't want to read so I will try and help a little. I'm very sorry for what you must be feeling right now. DH's parents are very much the same. He has an older brother who lives in France so seeing them frequently isn't something that happens with them. It was okay until a few years ago, DH's parents lived in London and were happy with the city subur life and were always entertained. But they became very dependant and would call every night as the kids were going to bed, wanting to say goodnight. DH asked them to call earlier and his mother went mental saying she was very busy helping out at as a aid volunteer which I understand is wearing but she had a mobile phone so that she could call on the go. After much troubles with her not understanding we couldn't drive to London fortnightly as we had commitments, they moved to us. Both were terrible with the constant dependence.

To keep them happy, we send texts daily instead of calls and they call on the days MIL isn't helping out. I find it very quick to send a brief message instead of a long, half hour call. Also, we have ensured that they have their own commitments so that they aren't so bored at home. We visit as often as is possible. Seems to be working out a bit better. I know you said your DH is less mobile and FIL is fairly immobile too. But we found many activities for him to pursue such as an Online Book Club, Art and he took up the piano two months ago!!!

I hope things work out a little better as I know it can be very stressful at times. Good luck.

[fridayfreedom]

Sounds like your dads depression may not be responding to treatment. Is he getting meds from the gp or has he been seen by the mental health team?

[twentyten]

This sounds really tough. And it will get worse- so finding ways to change expectations and get other help involved asap. A cleaner? Gardener? Local age UK etc? You must look after yourself and your family. Finding ways to change expectations- and ways to deal with it yourself. Lease ran away- liars of wisdom and advice on here. And support!

[NewName228]

Dad's only been on meds for a few weeks - Mum is fairly sure he is taking them every night, but I think it's lifestyle really. He seems to have lost all his confidence and interest in everything.

He used to enjoy art, but Mum is a bit 'Hyacinth Bucket' and doesn't like him leaving stuff out if he's not using it, which doesn't work very well if you're sketching something. She'd probably have a heart attack if he got actual paints or clay out!

He did a few computer lessons last year, but he needed a bit more 1-2-1 attention so DD has given him a few since. Alas, my mum is usually welded to the PC so although he has some basic skills he never gets near the bloody thing!

I used to try and take him out rather than buy him 'stuff' for birthdays/Christmasses etc, but he seems reluctant and disinterested even in those circs so I haven't bothered since last year. Perhaps I should give it another try.

Mum is actually very capable for her age, but emotionally still very needy. With a DD approaching her teens and me approaching menopause (possibly sooner rather than later depending on the outcome of imminent surgery) I feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of Everest looking at a very long, steep and difficult climb atm, but I realise it could be worse. Just feel so helpless. I think I perhaps need to pay them a few visits without DD in tow as it's obviously not easy to discuss anything with her around (she's 11).

[NewName228]

Thanks twenty .

They are fine on the cleaning front (in fact Mum sometimes comes over and helps me out !) and I am trying to get into gardening so if I give them a hand perhaps I can turn it into a learning opportunity.

I am wondering about suggesting I go over midweek and spend a little less time with them on a Sunday - problem is they will probably want me to do both, and DD still likes me to be around after school and at bedtime.

I work 4 days a week at the moment, school hours, but I am making plans to start a small business on the side over the summer. I would only need to have 6 orders a month on an ongoing basis to be able to drop to 3 days a week, but obviously that will take time.

[twentyten]

Hi new name. You have a lot on! We have been dealing with 3 elderly parents over the past 7 years- ever since my dd started high school. Dementia,strokes, surgery, carers,care homes and lots of hospitals. Things are calmer now- mil died last October after two years with dementia. It had a massive impact on our health and dd.
please put yourself and your dd first. These are precious years. Decide what you are prepared to do and stick to your boundaries. Your mum is capable. You cannot fix everything. Support,enable- but look after yourself. The more you do the more expected. To you.

[twentyten]

And be very careful about setting up routines and expectations!! The one for your dd matters most.

[NewName228]

Wow that must've been tough.

I know I am really lucky that so far they are still 'with it' and physically fairly able.

I really worry about Dad though - it feels like he's waiting to die whenever I see him at the moment . I can't imagine how I will cope with Mum if she's left on her own.

She has a very idealistic view of how families 'should' work, i e. sons in law should be permanently on hand for chauffeur, DIY & gardening duties, and daughters should be regularly available for socialising & entertainment purposes. Her ideal would be for us both to sell our homes and all live together which is never going to be an option.

[twentyten]

That is her perception of reality. It does not have to be yours. Please manage expectations now. I know it is really hard- it has taken many many years for my mother to acknowledge what I do for her and that it is not my role in life to care for her- and appreciate it. Therapy and stress for me!!! And finally at the party I arranged for her 90th she publicly thanked me- a first.
You cannot make them happy. It is not all down to you. It is hard watching- but please don't become a Martyr. Loads of wisdom on these threads from people who have been through it. And look after yourself. It can become a vortex.

[NewName228]

Vortex is a good analogy.

I love them both dearly and they have been helpful and supportive to me a lot over the years, but circumstances are what they are and I can only do so much.

I also had counselling last year "you can't change someone's behaviour, only you reaction to it" has become something of a mantra, but sometimes it's easier said than done.

I'm glad you finally got some appreciation for all you do .

[ImperialBlether]

Is that what she did with her own parents and ILs, then?

I would hate those sort of messages from your mum - I don't know how you don't scream in frustration when you get them.

Put your own daughter first. Only do their garden if you really, really want to get into gardening, otherwise tell them you don't know what to do with it and they need to pay for a gardener.

I would have thought sheltered accommodation would be best for them, but can't imagine them accepting that.

It must be incredibly stressful for you.

[twentyten]

Thank you! A great mantra- hang on to it. Imperial is right. You cannot make everything ok. Sheltered is a good idea- but their choices. Your dd is your responsibility- and she will need you more in her teens,guaranteed.

[NewName228]

It's not all the time but she goes through phases where it's all she seems to dwell on. She has a couple of friends whose DD's and SIL's really seem to live in each other's pockets.

She/we lived with my nan until my mum was nearly 40 before moving about 60 miles away when I was a toddler.

They are reluctant to take on the additional cost involved in sheltered accommodation, but there is a nice 'retirement village' type place near us which would be pretty ideal for them. They are currently 10-15 minutes drive away - if they moved they'd be near enough for me to pop in for half an hour a couple of times during the week if necessary, or more often if one of them is left on their own.

I think Mum's lack of realism is a real issue, compounded by Dad being stubborn and seeing only the negative in any option.

I guess I just need to help where I can and otherwise let them get on with it, but it's just so worrying.

[whitecloud]

Newname - it is so hard, isn't I?. My dps died within a year of each other when my dd was a teenager and I was going through the menopause. It was really tough. I just feel in the end that the older generation have had their life and you have to put your own family first. Don't increase your visits to the detriment of your dh and dd. They will end up both being resentful. Your dd has to grow up and have her own life. You'll have to negotiate with your parents. It sounds as if however much you do your Mum will never be satisfied and will just expect more and more. You might have to say no to her and you might have to say she'll have to get help in - the worst thing about my situation was that my dps wouldn't accept any help. Looking back, I wish we had been tougher and insisted more.

Hope you manage to find a workable solution.

[NewName228]

At least I can see it ramping up I suppose.

I have had a message from her this evening re another health scare following routine tests today - she has to see the GP tomorrow morning. Something like this happens about once every six weeks or so leaving me on tenterhooks about what usually turns out to be a change in meds or diet.

I sent her a link to the retirement place and she agreed it looks quite nice and said she may enquire further but she will find something wrong with it - they have been in and out of so many estate agents over the last 15 years I'm surprised they've not been blacklisted yet - it's like a hobby for her.

The frustrating thing is that whilst she keeps talking about preparing for getting older and less able all the time, Dad is in denial and meanwhile nothing gets done. From my POV it's like watching a slow motion car crash as I can see nothing happening until we reach some kind of crisis point, then all hell will break lose with me trying to juggle their needs and my own commitments.

I don't resent supporting them, I'm just struggling to see how I'll be able to manage it from a practical level as it gets more demanding.

I probably need to stop moaning on here and start doing something constructive!

[CPtart]

Please regulate how much input you have with your parents and start setting expectations and precedents now. You could have another 10 years of this at least, and things get worse not better.
I've watched my poor DM end up on anti depressants and blood pressure medication this last year with the stress of running about after my grandma. Whatever she does is never enough. She wanted more and more. It is thankless. Soul destroying. Grandma eventually went into a care home several weeks ago as my mum withdrew all support, and she looks like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.
Yours, your DH and Most of all your DD 's quality of life must come first.

[twentyten]

Hi. Please hear what others are saying- you have got so much that must come before your parents. Your health. Your dd and dh. You. They are capable. The more you do the more will be expected. Boundaries now otherwise you are propping up a situation that is untenable without you. When my dh had an op I had to spell out what I was not able to do and put in place other help. Grit your teeth and be firm now. And don't feel guilty- I think this months good housekeeping has a useful article!!

[WyrdByrd]

Grrr! OP here again .

The major heart issue turns out to be that she is probably going to need to go on an anticoagulant which will be a pita as the ones that done require regular blood tests are contraindicated with another condition she has, and she has appalling veins so will have to do an 8 mile round trip to hospital for bloods every week with the older style ones.

All followed up this morning by another convo wills, finance, equity release & moving, and her telling me that DD has been on to her about wanting a smart phone which she appears to be hell bent on getting for her against my very firmly expressed wishes .

Everything I say is taken and twisted to be an excuse to moan about DH (being bossy, influencing me/DD, making me a 'doormat' ), she can't get her head around the fact that I'm capable of having my own thoughts/feelings/opinions that might not always be the same as hers.

[twentyten]

Hi Wyrd.Sorry it is so hard. I would strongly suggest those boundaries need reinforcing- this is all only going to end one way. Have you come across Transational analysis? Useful to see how conversations work and how to avoid patterns. Businessballs website has really good simple intro.
This will make you ill otherwise.

[WyrdByrd]

Yup - had some TA last year.

Perhaps I should ask GP for another round!

[twentyten]

Can you think it could help?

[WyrdByrd]

It was very good. Counsellor was fabulous - we really clicked but the sessions were a bit disjointed due to us both having holidays & me having to have emergency surgery during the course of them.

I could probably do with a bit of a refresher - will check out that website.