Need a rant!

[kansasmum]

Not really about caring for parents but more just needing to rant and get something off my chest.
My mother has really annoyed/upset me today.

My dd is expecting her first baby and today her friend held a Baby Shower for her at my house. The invitations went out 8 weeks ago and Mum accepted. I arranged for another friend who was coming to collect Mum ( she no longer is allowed to drive). All fine.

Friday I took mum to another appt and she said my sister had invited her to Sunday dinner at 4pm. Baby shower is 2-5 and Mum knew this.
So I said " so you'll have to tell her you can't come because it's Beccy's baby shower" and she agreed and said she would phone my sister and cancel.
My sister was invited but declined saying she was busy.
Mum arrives with my friend who says " you do know we are leaving early cos your mum us going to dinner at your sisters?" This friend know exactly what my mum is like!!!
I asked mum why she hadn't cancelled dinner at my sister and she completely blanked me!!! If I'd kept on it would have caused a scene so left it.

Why the hell can't she put me and my family first just fucking ONCE??she had a long standing arrangement and just dumped my daughters party to go to my sisters for a Sunday roast! Its also my dd's 21st birthday tomorrow so would have been nice for mum to actually spend time here.

I'm so bloody annoyed and upset.

And my sister KNEW it was the baby shower today and she had declined the invite!

Actually I'm more than bloody annoyed I'm raging!

[holeinmyheart]

Wow you are furious. However the fury that you are feeling is actually destrimental to your wellbeing. it is really not good for you to get so upset.

It Might be very difficult for your DM to choose one child over another and thought she was taking the easy way out by doing nothing.
Maybe you are not as scary as your sister. I know that one of my sisters was always more demanding and selfish than the rest of us. I think my parents were a bit scared of her and so she would always be accommodated when she was visiting or whatever.
I know my brother and his kwife were staying with my DM once when my DM asked them to vacate a double bed, that they had been sleeping in for a couple of nights as my sister didn't like the bunk beds, which was the alternative. She was coming to visit. They left in disgust. It still rankles with my brother 30 years later.
Where Do you come in the pecking order post ? Are you a middle child, the eldest?
I feel your fury, you poor thing. Xx

[kansasmum]

I'm the youngest child. About 25 years so my sister fell out with my parents over nothing. She picked a fight so she could leave and move in with her boyfriend which she knew my parents weren't happy about. Things were strained for a year until my wedding when suddenly it was all ok and my sister and her partner were practically sainted!

My mum has always favoured my sister but I had a fabulous relationship with my dad so it never mattered iykwim.
Ever since that falling out my mother has done anything and everything to avoid the slightest chance of upsetting my sister. My sister does nothing to help my mum I do everything. My sister occasionally has mum to lunch and that's it.
My sister couldn't give 2 figs about my mother, she is just waiting for her inheritance. My sister does exactly what she likes because she knows my mum will always side with her.

I am an idiot for being so obliging and helpful - perhaps I should just stop.

[holeinmyheart]

Yep, sounds about right. I am the middle DD my sister is the eldest. We are all NC with her now, which is a terrible sadness for me. During my parents lifetime she frightened them and they always listened and deferred to her.

She had a heart of glass. She sounds like your sister. You will be like me, accommodating and easier going. My Parents knew that I would be forgiving but my sister not, so they went for the easier option.

When my DM died and my Father became frail she gradually purloined everything of value from his house. She and her husband took financial control of my Dads affairs and not long before he died, they stole thousands from him, hence the NC.
She always confessed to being jealous of me, which used to astound me. The only thing I had that she didn't have was above average looks but she was far cleverer than me.
Jealousy is a terrible thing.

Anyway you are the better person kansasmum like, me. I am the better person. I don't think you can stop being you, I couldnt. I helped my DF much more than my sister.
Despite everything, I asked recently ( through an intermediary) if she would sit down with me and a counsellor ( paid for by me, as she is wealthy but tight) and she refused. That still hurts. My siblings don't give a flying F, as they have hearts of glass as well. I am conciliatory and hate to quarrel with anyone, probably just like you.
Here is a plaster to put on your wounded heart, and a pox on your miserable sister.
My Dad was toxic which I don't think helped.

[kansasmum]

Thanks holeintheheart. Sorry you have experienced similar and completely understand why you would be NC with your sister.

I am still upset but more resigned than raging today. Also feeling ill so haven't got the energy to think about mum today!!

[holeinmyheart]

Yes it is distressing not to have had this sister as a loving person in my life. However she was never kind to any of us anyway. I don't remember her ever being welcoming or warm towards me.
Your sister sounds the same. It is a bit like the Cuckoo in the nest syndrom. My parents always seemed to be appeasing her. At our expense. She and my Toxic Father used to have some blazing rows though as she and he were quite alike.
Any way C'est la Vie. Are you feeling any better emotionally now?
There is a nasty cold going around, accompanied by a cough. I hope you haven't caught that.
Xx

[kansasmum]

Just got some virus making me feel tired and achey. Will be fine in a couple of days I'm sure.
My mum phoned today so I asked her why she left so early and she told me the friend brought her had to leave early which is a complete lie as my friend who brought her told me Mum had said she needed to leave early to go to my sisters!
So it's usual story my sister comes first no matter what.
I did tell my mum that I can't take her to her appt on Friday at the beauty salon as it's my son's Easter assembly at school and I'm not missing that and call me a bitch but I didn't invite my mum along to it either. She has come along in the past and told me how marvellous my sisters daughters assemblies are and I want to enjoy my sons assemblies without her ruining it.
Have also decided I'm not going to invite my sister to any more family stuff. She can't be arsed to come most of the time so why should I.

[holeinmyheart]

Well, I think you should do what is in your heart. I don't want to be calculating and hard like my sister was. I always thought she thought ' what is in it for me,' before she did anything. I didn't want to be like that, so I always left the door open, because I am essentially a nice person.

So are you. So think about what actions will actually make you feel bad. Our consciences tell us. We know when we are doing and saying things that we shouldn't.
If you don't invite her, because you are going for the tit fit tat option. That is fine if you don't feel anything. But if you are plotting and worrying about doing this or that, then I don't think it is good for you.

Think about your blessings, about your lovely children, your home, all the positive things you have in your life. You don't really need ( you may want) your sister or even your Mother's approval.

I don't need my Sister in my life.( I am sad about what has happened though ) I have actually been much more successful than her and have tried to live my life according to my principles and not stoop to her level.
Hugs, glad you are not so angry.

[kansasmum]

Thanks. I'm a lot calmer now and know that it doesn't matter what I do, nothing will change.
I promised my Dad when he was dying I would look after mum and he knew my sister wouldn't do much, so I can't let him down by retaliating with similar selfish behaviour that my sister shows.

I saw my sister today and chose to say nothing about the whole thing. Maybe I was a wimp but think it's more to do with not having the energy to try change her view or my mums. She asked me if I was having mum over for Easter lunch- my sister is away. Obviously I will have my mum over because she would be alone otherwise and I would feel bad.

I am sticking to not inviting her to the assembly. I want to enjoy it and watch my son. My mum makes every event about HER. If she's not the centre of attention she will do something to MAKE herself the centre and I don't need the drama.
My son (8) won't care. Last time she came to one of his things he asked me " why does Nanny always talk about my cousin and her assemblies/ show/whatever when she's come to see me"? He was quite upset because he felt mum didn't care about him.
So I will go and be proud Mama tomorrow without my mum spoiling it.