So mum died on Monday. Sensitive details if you'll be upset don't open thread

[Theas18]

Well, I think I can finally manage to type this.

My Mum died peacefully at home on Monday night at 10pm.

She got home late fri with CHC funding for 24 hr care ( one24hr live in one waking night) and lots of equipment. Carers were crap. I have complained. Not their fault, they both had learning disabilities background and never done end of life care. I can't be too cross though as if there hadn't been " carers in place" to tick a box we might not have got her home at all. Carers were ok through Saturday when she was sort of mobile and sort of eating / drinking. I had a wonderful friend over Sunday who prevented disaster Sunday lunchtime ( carer wanted to lie mum flat on her back for a nosebleed!)

She got agitated tea time Sunday after crap carer got her into a situation where we struggled to get her safely back from- she ended up in the chair and wanted to be in bed. Nurses came out, expertly got her into bed and settled on a driver.
At that point we found that neither carer ( crap or slightly less crap) could do mouth care - so they and I learned ! We also learned later that they couldn't really move patients using slide sheets etc :( that was an issue too.
In the night Sunday she did drink a bit and go to the loo but from Monday lunch when the nurse re did driver and repositioned her with me she was asleep.
Monday teatime she became very agitated and was trying to vomit. I called the nurses (DH had arrived and between the 3 of us we couldn't move her or anything - I felt very useless, gave her a stat injection from the box that helped, nurses arrived gave a 2nd dose and with proper repositioning at about 6 she was comfy again.
We had requested a hospice at home nurse because carers were so crap, for the night shift, but initially none available. At about 7 I had a call saying they'd found one. I am just so very grateful that they did. It meant I just told crap carer to do nothing except mouth care till she arrived.
Mums breathing changed after the agitation settled to a gasping that settled to little snores. I sat with her most of the evening ,and set up with coffee ipad etc for a watch night, mainly to stop crap carer doing anything to upset her comfort.
She had previously told us she didn't want tv/ radio so I just hugged her on and off, told her she was loved, that we wouldn't ever forget her, and would look after dad.
Realised her little snores were getting shallower and slower. So went to hug her, and she just didn't breathe again. Held her till I was sure she was gone.

At this point the hospice nurse arrived. We were able to send crap carers away ASAP ( to be fair they offered to help and were kind. But I just wanted them gone). All the what happens after - washing, laying out etc I helped with. We sat with her for a bit and and eventually we called the funeral people and they took her away.

At peace and always loved.

[RJnomore]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't know many of the technicalities you mention but I am shocked anyone working as a carer doesn't know basic first aid re nose bleeds.

I am glad you were able to be with her and I hope you can find some peace as time passes.

[MrsPigling]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take some comfort that you were able to hold her and be with her to the end.

[MissBattleaxe]

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did a beautiful job. You cared for her and protected her when she was near death in the same way as she no doubt did the same for you when you were born.

There is a poignant and beautiful symmetry to the beginning of your life and the end of hers. May she rest in peace and may you live in peace knowing you did your best.

[LizardBreath]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you made it as peaceful as it could be X

[MrsMinton]

I'm sorry you've lost your mom. What a caring and peaceful end you gave her. To be able to hold her. Look after yourself now. Take time for you.

[MrsMot]

Oh Theas I wondered how things were as you hadn't posted for a couple of days.

So sorry to hear of your loss

Thank goodness you've been there to fight for her. Slipping away quietly in your arms sounds such a peaceful parting after the traumas of the last weeks.

Wishing you and your family, especially your dad, peace in the coming days.

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh Bless you, I'm so sorry. It's a sorry thing that we (society) don't put enough value on end of life care to provide what is really, really needed. Those with the finances can afford it, those without must struggle along as best they can.

You were a wonderful advocate for your mother and did everything in your power to help her depart this life as peacefully as possible. You did good, as we say.

Take care of yourself.

[bwow]

So sorry for your loss op. But what a comfort for your mum to feel safe and loved. I have been a carer myself and looked after people near the end of their lives. I must say other than the glycerine sticks I didn't have much training on mouth care. But as for the slide sheets that's a basic need!

[twentyten]

Oh thea I am so very sorry for your loss. I have followed your story and how you fought for your mums care. I can't find suitable words but sending you hugs.

[PingPongBat]

Thea I'm so sorry .

Your Mum will surely have been aware of your presence and your love. You did everything you could to make her passing peaceful and you can take comfort from that.

[GoooRooo]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Thea I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know you and haven't followed any previous threads but I have tears in my eyes reading of your last moments with your mum, your love radiates through your words.

[mrsminiverscharlady]

I'm sorry for your loss Theas18. How lucky your mum was to have you.

[EnlightenedOwl]

I am sorry for your loss and the issues with carers you had. Our experience with my mother was broadly similar. Deepest sympathies

[BestIsWest]

Theas, I'm so sorry for your loss. How lucky your mum was to have you. I read your previous threads and know how hard you fought for her to have the proper care she deserved.

Look after yourself

[SecretSquirrels]

Theas I've been thinking about you and I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mum was lucky to have you there for her at the end and all you did for her.

[Shesparkles]

So sorry your mum's gone, but so glad for both of you that you were together and she went peacefully and with your love

[SugarPlumTree]

So sorry Thea I too have followed your story and know how you have fought to get her what she needed . Take care.

[Rainicorn]

So sorry for your loss

[Hassled]

I'm so sorry. Agree your mother was lucky to have such a great daughter there for her - she must have been very proud of you.

[eyestightshut]

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did an amazing job of ensuring your mum left this world in the way she would have wanted, it will be of great comfort to you and your family xxx

[LostInWales]

So sorry for your loss but what a loved and lucky woman to have you there for her right to the end. We rush to document the beginning of life and forget how important the other end is too. Sending much love to you and your father.

[magimedi]

So sorry for your loss, I have followed your other threads.

You were a wonderful daughter to your mother - I am sure she knew that & knew how much you loved her.

Take care of yourself now, I hope you can have a bit of downtime & a rest.

[whataboutbob]

Thea what you did was amazing this sounds like a cliche but you've been a tower of strength, to die at home with one's daughter there, you can't really ask for more. I hope you get some good rest now and build up strength for the funeral. Take it easy and be kind to yourself.