Generation gap

[3bunnies]

Just got home from 24hrs at my parents. Dm has early stage of some sort of dementia but as she reported the nurse for malpractice because she 'was very rude and told me I had senile dementia'. She was just trying to carry out a screening test so we haven't got very far. DH has worked in the field professionally and feels it is beyond benign aging. Df is frail after a number of small strokes but it is just physical with him, although he was always the passive partner and says very little. They live about 3hrs away so we stay over and they have plenty of space. My dsis is about an hour away. We can't relocate due to dh's job.

Our 3dc are 9, 7 and 4. Dm spent the weekend telling me numerous times, not always away from his or the dc's earshot that df has taken a downward turn and it won't be long now (He is no more ill now than he has been since the strokes). She grabbed ds's hand v roughly and pulled him along because he wasn't walking quickly enough out of their way. They were between me and him so I couldn't get to him.

She told me that ds was the most difficult child she had ever encountered (in front of my DDs) and that she didn't want the neighbours to know that she let such a child in her house - he was just having a tantrum which we were dealing with, he is generally a very easy child and had a glowing report from nursery. I know for a fact that I had more tantrums than he did because I remember them and the punishments. (Btw her neighbours both sides have young children one of whom had been screaming the night before so I doubt that it was the first tantrum they had ever heard)

She then went on to say that all three of my children were awfully behaved when I told her that dd1 wouldn't have the pudding or boiled cabbage. (She had bought it but I had prepared it - generally I try to bring and prepare our own food - she will never eat anything which we bring in). I know that I am biased but generally my dc are fairly well behaved and never in trouble at school. Two or three years ago she might have made a passing comment about it but she wouldn't have been so blatent or repeated it four times.

Dd1 is aware that dm doesn't always remember things and gets confused (it is becoming very obvious now), she is good with them but she did come away saying that she was worried that she wouldn't see them again and that df would die soon. Dd2 who is generally a bit more of a tricky child seems to pass under her radar. Ds calmed down quickly anyway and went to sleep as soon as we left.

I am wondering whether when ds starts school I should try to visit them on my own. I can't do it in a day but might be able to book them into after school club so dh could collect them. Then I could drive up one morning and then be back for school pick up the next day. Then just bring everyone up a few times a year. Dh says that df would miss the dc, and he does enjoy seeing them. In her own way I think dm does too but it does stress her (although I cook as much as she lets me and tidy up everything).
Sorry for the long rant!

[whataboutbob]

I have all but stopped taking my kids to my dad s. I used to visit religiously with them and try and promote their relationship. But as dad s alzheimers has got more pronounced, I decided I had to put their interests first. Dad has kicked my eldest because he wasn t coming to him fast enough, has called him" you little bastard" because he turned down a glass of Sprite,I could go on. There came a point where the benefits of any grandparent/ grandchild relationship were sadly outweighed by dad's tendency to aggression and I had to think of my kids' best interests. I would say it's probably a good idea for you to visit on your own at least some of the time, if nothing else that should reduce your own stress.

[whataboutbob]

I should add that it s obvious to me my kids are relieved not to be going to my dad's anymore. Sad but true.

[3bunnies]

I know it is so sad that they will remember her as being grumpy (although I have my fair share of grumpiness with them when they sit vacantly half dressed two minutes before they have to leave for school! ). I think dd1 and maybe dd2 will have some happy memories but I worry about ds - maybe when he is a bit older it will be easier. I think too that we will need to try to take over buying the puddings too. It is usually just Sunday lunch that we have together as other meals we have been bringing in for some time.

She is able to go about her daily life fairly well still but I think that us all descending on her confuses her too much. Fortunately I can do my work anywhere and maybe just bring the children up 2-3 times a year. It is sad for df though as he does enjoy seeing them.

[CMOTDibbler]

I do take my ds to see my parents (mum has moderate-severe dementia, dad is v frail), but really control the situation and haven't stayed over for years as its not fair on ds. He is 8, and doesn't have any nice memories of mum, but by keeping things very controlled, he does enjoy looking after his gm.

I know its a long way, but it might be best to look at tactics where you all go, take them out for lunch, then dh and the dcs go off to do something, come back to collect you then stay over in a hotel 'df, such a great bargain, cheaper than you washing towels/sheets' and then take your dps to a garden centre or similar in the morning so the dc aren't kept in close contact with your dm.