Bored/depressed mother

[Nennypops]

My mother is 88. My father died three years ago, they were very close. DM knew that he was likely to go before her as he was 10 years older, and envisaged herself having a busy old age. They were already in a sheltered flat. However, a few weeks after his death she had a mildish stroke. She can't write or cope with numbers at all, her speech isn't quite right but not too bad, she can walk but with difficulty. I see her generally at least twice a week and we have carers going in twice a day to deal with her medication, shopping etc. She gets a cooked lunch at her accommodation which is a chance for her to meet and talk to other people. She can read but I think it's a bit of a struggle. She was always resistant to technology and now seems to have great difficulty in understanding how to tune her TV or radio even if we write down instructions step by step.

The problem is that she is dreadfully bored, but she completely sets herself against doing anything at all which would alleviate it. I thought she would be motivated by speech therapy and working to try to get her writing back, but she found it difficult and gave up on it. We set up a typewriter because she said she found it frustrating not being able to write - as soon as it appeared, she proclaimed that there was nothing she wanted to write. The library has a scheme for sending books to the elderly, she doesn't want to do that, nor does she want me to take her. We've tried various local schemes where people meet up, stroke support groups etc - she won't have any of them. We tried the simplest possible DVD player with full instructions, she gave up on that. Occasionally people in the flats have parties, or they lay on get-togethers and things like talks and concerts, but 9 times out of 10 she'll say it's too much trouble. Whenever we suggest taking her out, again it's too much trouble and she proclaims that she's seen it all before and nothing will have changed. We could do more if she would agree to a wheelchair, but she says she would hate that.

I know an awful lot of this negativity is down to depression and I do feel for her, but it's such hard work. When I visit, I'm met by this tide of negativity and complaints and there are times when there is just nothing I can say or do that will cheer her up. I have to admit that often it's just a massive relief to get away after a visit. Sometimes she is outright rude - one of the carers kindly went to some trouble to get some plants for her on the basis that the carer was happy to look after them (we paid) but when we saw her shortly afterwards, she was hell-bent on getting rid of the plants because they were too much trouble. I had to get quite tough about saying she just could not do it and there was no reason why the plants would conceivably be a problem, but she got quite angry about it.

I don't think there's much point taking her to a doctor because she would put on an act that there's nothing wrong, and anyway I think the doctor would be reluctant to prescribe anti-depressants in case it makes her more unsteady on her feet.

I'm out of ideas, but I don't want to carry on with what is becoming an increasingly miserable situation for all of us; most of all, I wish there was some way I could improve things for her. Has anyone else got any experience of anything similar, and any ideas?

[Allfurcoatandnoknickers]

This is sadly all too familiar. My mum is 88 and has been widowed for years. Her terrible arthritis prevents her from going out unaided, but also her stubbornness and unwillingness to try anything. I got her to go to a lunch club once a week, which she really looks forward to, but any other attempts to get her to socialise are met with resistance. I basically felt that I had bullied her into going! Her GP thought she was in low mood, and I think she's probably depressed as she really can't be bothered to do anything any more and often says "it's time I went..." Etc etc. which can be very draining and frustrating.
I read a helpful book called 'Coping with your difficult older parent'. Partly it made me realise that I was doing all I could, and that her behaviour was pretty normal. You could speak to your local Age UK and see whats going on in her area, also maybe speak to the RVS as they have a befriending scheme which might help. Loneliness and depression in the elderly is so common, but I think what seems also to be very common is their reluctance to accept help.