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Elderly parents

MIL needs to move somewhere with 24 hr care, she is refusing. Long sorry.

9 replies

ChocolateCoveredMisery · 21/04/2014 14:32

I've posted a few times about MIL.

She currently lives in sheltered accomodation. She has lived there 2 years. When she first moved there, the warden was on 12 hours during the day, now, due to funding cuts they are there 2 hours a day during the week if she is lucky.

She is prone to falling and lately is struggling to get up from sitting and takes her 10 minutes to go the 12 yards from her living room to her toilet. She uses a wheeled walker when she is walking.

She is falling 5 times a day now, and refuses to push the pendant for community care, instead choosing to either bang on the wall for her (wheelchair using) neighbour to help her or dragging herself into the living room and phoning us to come pick her up I am unable to pick her up due to a bad back. This has been ongoing for roughly a year now.

The latest fall, last Wednesday has resulted in her pulling the muscles across her chest so making if quite hard for her to pull herself up from sitting. Since then she has been backwards and forwards to A&E, she is currently there now as she couldn't get up this morning, she actually called community care though as was 4am. They called us at 5am to let us know, and A&E called at 6:45 to let us know she was there.

Since she had the fall DH and I are having to go to hers every time she needs the toilet, so 5-6 times a day, as she can't take her trousers/knickers up or down. We are going at 9am to get her out of bed and dressed, doing her breakfast and then making her lunch to leave in the fridge for her to get. We are then taking her tea down for 5pm then DH goes down to close her curtains at 8pm. We're getting her dressed for bed as well. We can't do this from tomorrow as DC are back to school and DH back at work.i have 2 weeks off, but then back to work myself. And quite selfishly, I don't want to do it day in day out. I have three DC, one with SN who is demanding as it is.

We have tried the nicely nicely approach, tried the leaving her to it approach and tried the telling her how it is approach. Nothing is working.

The paramedic agreed last week that she shouldn't be living where she is. She def needs somewhere where there are people to help 24 hours a day.

What can we do to get her to understand this, can we go over her head?

In December last year she had an operation that resulted in her getting a homecare plan put into place. She has someone come in twice a week to shower her. When I was at hers yesterday I read the care plan. She has lied in it, quite a bit, giving the impression she is capable of doing more than she can. Should I call these people and speak to them, ask them to reassess her? See if they can come in more to help her?

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creampie · 21/04/2014 15:52

It depends whether she has capacity to make decisions about her care as to whether you can go over her head. If she does, there's not much you can do.

Social services should provide a care package to do all the things you do. You need to let them know exactly what you are doing and what she requires, preferably you should be there when they come to assess to give an accurate account.

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Corygal · 21/04/2014 16:03

It's absolutely par for the course for the old and infirm to lie with vigour about how superbly mobile they are. Social workers know this.

Call social services to get a new assessment for MIL, and while they're engaged with you make absolutely sure social services know that a) you can't provide the care your MIL needs b) how rickety she really is.

If MIL can't get up, go to the loo or dress herself, she should be easily entitled to a care home - your second step is to start looking for one. As for persuading her that she needs to go into care, leave it to social services to help you. They are also masters of this situation.

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juneau · 21/04/2014 16:18

I would get on to SS and her GP and explain the situation. Make it very clear how much you've been helping out, but how that cannot and will not continue once term starts. It sounds like her situation has changed dramatically during recent weeks anyway, so a revision of any care already in place needs to happen as a matter of urgency.

I would ask her GP to speak to her if she's not listening to you. People usually listen more to doctors than they do to their own family as the doctor is in a position of authority, whereas she sounds like she's used to fighting you for authority and who can blame her? Most people want to hold onto even the tiniest shreds of independence for as long as they can.

In this country, nothing will be done to get your MIL the right care if you don't a) demand it and b) make it clear that you won't be providing it for free.

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goshdarnit · 21/04/2014 16:41

If your mum is falling that frequently, a twice weekly care package is tiny.
Hopefully, she'll stay in hospital and have her falls investigated, if not insist on a referral to your local falls clinic.
Ensure you raise her care needs to A&E, something is causing her mobility to be so bad she falls so frequently, and it needs sorting before she fractures her hip or worse... (financially, its cheaper for the nhs to investigate falls than fix a hip)
As for increasing her care, in our local authority, people can have up to four times a day care in their own home, according to need.
You need to state the you cannot provide the level of care your mum needs alone, her social worker needs to look at how her needs are met.
If your mum has the capacity to make the decision she wants to stay at home, (which needs to be formally tested) she can if that care can be provided.
Otherwise a best interest decision may need to be made.
So, if you do not have a social worker, insist on being referred!
Good luck, it's tough xxx

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goshdarnit · 21/04/2014 16:47

Sorry, I now see it's your MIL, not Mum, bit still stressful!

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ChocolateCoveredMisery · 21/04/2014 17:53

Thanks everyone for the comments. Was expecting to get partly flamed, instead I feel supported.

She is fine mentally, she can make her own decisions, and is very vocal about us not moving her.

Her operation in December was meant to fix her falling over as she had no feeling in her hands and she couldn't feel her walker. The operation was a success, but now she is still falling yet blaming her knee. There is always an excuse.

How do I find out who/where her social worker is?

If she had someone come in morning, dinner time, tea time and bed time that would help keep her in her own home. I would still do her shopping, pay her bills for her etc.

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DocDaneeka · 21/04/2014 17:58

I came on to say exactly what corygal just said. I worked in hospital admin for a while and this is a totally normal, more common than not tipe of situation. Hospital, social services and care homes will be very, very familiar with it all.

Ask for help, make it very clear you cannot care for her and things will be put into place.

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fridayfreedom · 21/04/2014 18:08

Google your county council, here it's hants.gov.uk
Then ask them to check on their system for the local team and her social worker. If she has capacity they will probably ask if you have her permission to talk to them. If she hasn't given permission you can still express your concerns to the social worker.
If she lived in my catchment I would contact the local community care team for an assessment. They would assess then advise on a suitable care package, aids, equip etc or residential care.
Here you can self refer, I think you may find a number for them on the nhs trust website that covers your area or the GP surgery should have the number. Or GP may have to refer.

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Chocolatecoveredmisery · 23/04/2014 16:40

Thanks for the help and information. she ended up back in hospital Easter Sunday and is still there. Spoke to the doctor today and although there is nothing wrong with her that warrants a hospital stay (ie they can't treat her to make her better) they are keeping her in until she has been assessed by a social worker as the medical team there have agreed she is unsafe in her home. hurray!

MIL has also agreed to go visit an assisted living place not far from here, have spoken to them, arranged a visit and there is a room becoming available soon so fingers crossed she gets to go there.

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