How to I make some boundaries?

[eteokles]

Hi all

I've got a tricky situation and I'd appreciate some advice.

Mum is 79, and has just been diagnosed with womb cancer. She also has fairly obvious dementia, although this hasn't been formally diagnosed yet ( we're on the waiting list!), but its enough of an issue for her MacMillan nurse to be worried that she might not have capacity to give consent for a hysterectomy or other treatment she needs. We have applied for Power of Attorney, but the paperwork is still being processed, and won't be through in time for the surgery.

I also have a husband, who works full time, and a 15 year old coming up to his GCSE's this summer, and I suffer from Chronic fatigue syndrome, haven't been able to work for 20 years, and have real issues with energy levels, fatigue etc etc. Oh and MIL has advanced dementia, FIL has serious physical health problems, and they only live 7 miles away, so tend to call me when they have a crisis too!

Mum lives on her own, but can physically get about a bit, take the bus etc etc, although mentally I think its got to the stage now that it would be hit and miss that she remembered where she was going/where to get off etc etc.

I'm Mum's only child, Dad died 7 years ago, and Mum has no other people to run around after her. Its all down to me. Mum will take, and take and take. She is totally self focussed and regards my running around after her as her parental right. She has always been manipulative and controlling - yes, I have some issues with my relationship with her- but now its almost as if she's playing a game seeing how far she can pull me in, to make me take responsibility for her.

In the past two weeks I've had to give up just about everything I do 'for me' or for my family- be it my weekly yoga class, taking my son to Air Cadets, even my hospital CBT session. In the meantime, Mum is in no pain, has no symptoms and is thoroughly enjoying all the attention and the outings to hospital/visits at home etc etc.

How do I impose some limits on time spent sorting out mother so as to have some time on my own, or with my own family, let alone to try to fill the fridge/clean the floors/do the ironing or all the other household chores?. If I'm not at the end of the phone, she'll turn up at my door (5 minute walk away) - its got so bad I've taken to locking the door and hiding in the back of the house! She expects me to be there as and when.

Secondly, what's a reasonable amount of time to want for myself and my family? I have no idea. Is is even, of itself, a reasonable thing to want?

Thirdly - sorry about this, but I dare to say it here cos I'm anonymous - I don't want to do this, I really resent doing this, and I don't like her very much. How wrong is that? What's wrong with me that I am so hard and heartless? How can I somehow change my attitude to her, cos I'm just getting angrier and angrier at the moment.

Is there a book or something someone could recommend that might cover this type of situation?

Anyone else got some tips? so advice?

I'd really appreciate some feedback.

[craftysewer]

I think there are a number of issues here and to be honest if I was in your situation I would probably be having very similar feelings. We all seem to think that everyone else is the perfect daughter to their parents, when in reality I'm sure most people feel like you. It seems like your feelings of her manipulating you go back a long time and therefore you may feel it's very hard to change. But I think for both your own health and the wellbeing of your own family you really do have to start being assertive. Is there a local Carers Association that you can contact that could give you some support? Even if it is only popping in now and again for a cup of tea and offloading some of what you are feeling? I'm sure many people are in a similar situation. The other thing to consider is after her operation she may genuinely need more support and you should maybe try and save your energy for then. Think ahead regarding freezing meals, getting support from your DH and DS around the house. If you don't look after yourself you will be unable to support your mum. It made me laugh when you said about locking the door and hiding from your mum - I've done that when I've been feeling depressed and not wanted to talk to anyone let alone my mum. Only trouble is, she has a key to our house for walking the dog, so the only place I can hide is in our bedroom as she won't come in there!

[eteokles]

Ohh ladies,, thank you.. its not just me...
I just feel so guilty!
I promised my Dad , waaaaay back, 20 years or so, that I would look after her if anything happened to him. Well, that was fairly easy when I was a teenager, but over time you tend to think things through and realise just how much damage the previous generation can cause. Now he's gone, and I love him still, but time had taught me that she has caused so much damage (both to me and to him, poor poppett). Its much harder to deal with her, but I have the added layer of my promise to him... (anyone know a cheap therapist??!!)

Thanks above all for your almost automactic presumption that I should do something for me. I thought I was being mean aand selfish. Not sure I have the guts to say my yoga ismore important than her hospital appointments, but the general idea of 'its OK too want time for me' is like a freedom.

On a practical level,Freezing of meals etc is already goin on apace and - perhaps more funnily (!) leave the key in the door, from the inside - no way they can get in then!!!!!
Thank you

[pudcat]

I hope the forms can be signed for the operation. Then hopefully once your Mum is in hospital the dementia assessment will be done. It will also give you a break. There is a thread on here called I resent. Have a read through that and you will see that you are not alone with your feelings. We all need to take a step back and think about ourselves and our families. We should not feel guilty about this. Easy to say but hard to do. If your Mum is safe on her own and is eating and drinking, perhaps just see her every other day and not for all the day. If she is not safe etc get in touch with Social Services - they are very helpful.

[whenwillisleepagain]

eteokles I came on here to post about 'am I a bad person to be fed up about the amount of time my mum's care needs are taking up?', so it was such a relief for literally the first post I spotted to be yours. I don't have any brilliant ideas, other than completely endorsing the comments about not giving up your yoga and please, prioritise and hang onto things like that, which will be your lifeline in the months to come.

I share a lot of your sentiments - my mum is in the early stages of dementia, I feel torn between my DCs, work, and her. My Dad died three years ago, and his very existence although he was completely passive and let my mum treat him horribly, made dealing with her bearable. I am an only child and I am finding the emotional side of all my longstanding feelings coming to the fore, very very hard. I just wanted to offer you solidarity. I will look at this thread again - and thank you for starting it. And also, I think you might be surprised at how many of us are in the same position. I had a lovely, affirming talk with a colleague this week, who shares so much of what I feel. Do look for allies, either through a carers' organisation - or maybe there is someone at yoga who knows what it's like - another reason not to give it up.

[twentyten]

Feel for you. From experience (bitter) please get some help in place- I have got a lovely cleaner I know to take dm to physio once a week. Boundaries are key- think about what you want to spend your time and energy on- and again prioritise your dc. And be firm. It's not easy but is really important. Yoga is self maintenance!!!