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Elderly parents

I am frightened my mum will die tonight.

72 replies

DowntonTrout · 27/12/2013 23:07

This will sound so silly.

Just as I was leaving my mum whispered "Look after yourself."

She has been unable to express any form of interest in anyone else for some time. The only voluntary sentence she has is "where am I?" Other than that she does recognise us and will smile or answer a question ( maybe not competently) with yes or no, but that's it.

Mum has not really eaten since August, not more than a slice or two of banana or a few teaspoons of porridge every day or so. But she has had no food at all for the last 9 days. Her fluid is down to 2 or 300 Ml.

I had sat and rubbed her hands with the hand cream I bought for Christmas, just skin and bone, I could feel each bone as I rubbed it in. She sighed and said "that's nice, I like cream." I sprayed her with perfume. She wasn't properly awake. Just sleeping and only opening her eyes occasionally when I spoke. So I told her I would leave her to have a little sleep, I never say goodbye, and she said that^

I think she is dying. Well, I know she's dying. But I just felt as if I had heard her speak for the last time. She said what mattered, what she had to say. And she expressed a thought. I can't put into words exactly, but it just feel that she was saying goodbye.

I have slept for 3 hours on the sofa tonight. I was so distraught that it exhausted me. I am afraid the phone will ring. She was calm and peaceful and sleeping, but her breathing was strange, and it is so much like the day before my dad died. I feel so silly saying all this when all she said was look after yourself, but that is so out of character and not something she has been able to say, or think, for so long, that I am convinced it is meaningful.

OP posts:

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NigellasDealer · 27/12/2013 23:09

can you go back to where she is now in case she dies tonight?
it is one of my life's regrets i did not do that for my mum when i had that feeling.

BigArea · 27/12/2013 23:11

Aah Downton I am sorry about your Mum. I hope that when she does go it will be peaceful. How lovely for her to have had a moment of clarity and to tell you to look after yourself. She loves you as you love her.

mamij · 27/12/2013 23:11

No words can help you but didn't want to read and run, so sending an unMumsnet hug to you.

stayathomegardener · 27/12/2013 23:12

It may well be meaningful and how wonderful that your Mum is thinking of you if they do turn out to be her last thoughts.
You sound like a wonderful daughter.

Primadonnagirl · 27/12/2013 23:13

You have just made me realise what is important in life..I have just posted about some minor upsets and now feel ashamed when I realise what others are facing ..My Thoughts are with you and you sound like a wonderful daughter xxx

LovelyMarchHare · 27/12/2013 23:13

It doesn't sound silly at all. You clearly love and care for her such a lot and she feels the same about you. If you are able to go back then I'd consider doing it. I wish you and your mum a peaceful night.

storytopper · 27/12/2013 23:14

Thinking of you. Glad that you had a few nice moments together and that she said something meaningful. If she is in a nursing home I hope the staff give you a call if things change.

FannyFifer · 27/12/2013 23:15

Did you tell the staff your concerns?
Ring them just now and see how your mum is.

TaraLott · 27/12/2013 23:18

Can you go back round to her, I would, I was with my Mum when she died and I am so glad I was.

Needmoresleep · 27/12/2013 23:19

After the pain of the last months I hope your mother finds peace.

libertychick · 27/12/2013 23:21

You don't sound silly. I agree with NigellasDealer can you go to her? Sending you hugs - it's a frightening time. You sound like you love each other dearly - I think if you can go to her you will feel more in control and will know you did everything you could. If you can't can you call the place where she is and ask them to tell her you called and you love her even if she's asleep - apparently hearing is one of the last senses to go. Have you anyone you can call and talk to?

DowntonTrout · 27/12/2013 23:23

I thought about going back but I fell asleep. Now I think it's too late, unless they ring and ask me to go in.

And, again, this is silly, but I feel this dread and almost that if I go it will happen. So I am waiting. But I am afraid.

It all felt different, there has been a definite shift over Christmas, her body is giving up. She also asked me what time it was. My dad said that too, and when I told him he said it wasn't time yet. He died four hours later.

OP posts:

TaraLott · 27/12/2013 23:24

Would they let you go and sit with her, maybe doze in a chair in her room?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 23:25

Ring the people who are currently caring for her, and put your mind at rest. Ask if they think you should go back.

NigellasDealer · 27/12/2013 23:26

((((hug))))

TaraLott · 27/12/2013 23:29

My Mum didn't eat for about nine or ten days before she went, we were syringing drops of water into her mouth and cleaning her mouth with stick things.
She went at 12.35 am and we kept her home till morning before calling the undertaker at 7am.
You're not silly at all, it's a scary, sad and lonely time even if you aren't on your own.
Have you someone with you?

DowntonTrout · 27/12/2013 23:30

I am so emotional I can't speak. I tried ringing but there was no answer, the night staff must be busy. I don't trust myself enough to just turn up at midnight on a feeling.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 23:31

Ring again in 10 mins

There is no way you are going to sleep just now.

DowntonTrout · 27/12/2013 23:32

Yes, I'm not alone. DH is still up. The DDs, my SIL and my GS are all in bed. I don't want to panic them.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 23:33

No, don't wake anyone else, you may not have to.

How far would it be to go back ?

TaraLott · 27/12/2013 23:33

Can anyone go with you, I'm sure the staff won't mind you being there, and like AF said, you won't get any sleep now.

TaraLott · 27/12/2013 23:34

You don't need to wake anyone, glad you have your DH still up with you.

Jellypudmum · 27/12/2013 23:34

If you feel you need to go to be with her then please do. There are no second chances as my husband discovered to his cost when his father passed away. Sending you courage and hugs. Xxx

thenightsky · 27/12/2013 23:36

I used to be 'night staff'. they won't think you're silly. They'll understand perfectly.

Ring again in 10 mins.

I'm getting to this stage with my mum too, so I's sat here filling up reading your posts

notapizzaeater · 27/12/2013 23:36

I'd go back, even if just to reassure yourself x (( hugs))

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