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Elderly parents

Why can't I cry?

15 replies

Zakinthos · 05/01/2013 17:46

I went to get help my mum get dressed yesterday morning (as carer unwell) and found her still in bed, breathing heavily. I had called out gp again two days before as i wasnt happy with her breathing but gp just increased diuretics and reduced other heart medication as she said she couldn't hear anything on her chest. Anyway, I couldn't wake her so I called an ambulance and she was rushed to hospital. She had low oxygen levels, was very cold (didn't feel cold though) and fluid on her chest. She was given oxygen, warmed up, IV antibiotic as consultant decided it might be bacterial infection and transferred to a ward. Talking coherently on the ward to me. I spent all day with her, leaving finally at 8 pm as she was tired and falling asleep. Call at 6 am to say she had passed away in her sleep, no warning. Nurse said she had checked 15 mins before and bp, breathing etc was stable. She was 91 though and I am relieved she went quickly.

I have been feeling numb all day, cold and shaky inside. Haven't been able to cry at all, except briefly when I saw her at the chapel of rest in the hospital. Even DH is crying as he was very fond of her, but I can't. When my dad died (took over 2 weeks in hospital), I was crying all the time. Just feel terrible inside. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

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50shadesofpink · 05/01/2013 17:50

Just want to say sorry for your loss.

pippop1 · 05/01/2013 18:26

Sorry for your loss and really don't worry at all about crying or not crying.

It's completely natural to feel a whole range of strong emotions immediately following a death such as anger, disbelief, shock and so on. It was a different kind of death to your dad's so the emotions you feel are going to be different. Wishing you peace.

Zakinthos · 05/01/2013 19:30

Thank you. Think I have been in shock as although she was poorly, I wasn't expecting her to go so suddenly. Feeling a bit better now since I have eaten this evening.

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MiraWard · 05/01/2013 19:33

Sorry to hear about your mum . There is no right and wrong way to grieve - you are probably more in shock. Be kind to yourself and don't feel you have to be/feel anything. What is right for you is right for you ifyswim. ((((|hugs)))))

gingeroots · 05/01/2013 20:29

I'm so sorry Zakinthos ,I feel shocked so goodness knows how it must have hit you .
Just when you were getting things sorted and things seemed to be on the move .
You had a lovely Christmas together by the sound of it and perhaps it was better that you were the one that went in yesterday rather than the carer .

It sounds as though she went peacefully and easily . A good thing for her but you must be very shocked .
Try and look after yourself . x

changeforthebetter · 05/01/2013 21:05

So sorry - your grief will come out when you are ready

Zakinthos · 05/01/2013 21:05

Thanks Ginger, it is just hard to take in. I feel guilty for moaning before on my previous thread. I did feel I was getting things sorted and I felt I was getting used to helping with her care. Her hallucinations were getting bad though-I am relieved she is no longer scared by these now. Hopefully she has been reunited with my dad.
Thanks Mira also. Everyone's kind words are much appreciated.

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FrameyMcFrame · 05/01/2013 21:13

Sorry about your Mum. I think the tears will come in their own time, when i lost my Brother last year I didn't cry for days after, but later that changed. But when my Dad died i cried a lot straight away. who knows why and how our minds process these things.
Take care.

chocolateistheenemy · 05/01/2013 21:19

Don't fret... grief is strange. It took me twelve years to cry for my very, very much loved grandad. I always wondered why the tears wouldn't come. In my case, it was severe shock. Everyone is different in their manifestation of grief.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dear mum. I'm glad it was peaceful x

ajandjjmum · 05/01/2013 21:20

I am so, so sorry that you've lost your Mum, but so glad for you both that she didn't suffer at the end.

Zakinthos · 05/01/2013 21:22

Thanks Framey, glad I'm not the only one to have this reaction. Going to bed now as I feel completely exhausted.

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Zakinthos · 06/01/2013 14:09

Thanks Chocolate and Ajand - only just seen your posts. For some reason they didn't come up before I posted my last post yesterday.
Feel a bit better today - and more able to cope.

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chocolateistheenemy · 07/01/2013 21:29

Pleased you're feeling a little better. Please do be kind to yourself. It is important you try to eat, sleep and share your feelings - no matter what they might be. Have you some help/support arranging everything?

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 07/01/2013 21:33

I'm so very very sorry Zakinthos.

Thewhingingdefective · 10/01/2013 09:54

So very sorry for your loss. Don't question how you are feeling and behaving. Grief is a strange thing.

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