I need some advice.

[butisthismyname]

May be a bit long but I really don't know what to do. My mother has recently moved away from her sheltered bungalow as she could no longer care for her 'gentleman friend' who lived next door. They had been together for the past 12 or so years and he suddenly deteriorated - he had two strokes and is clearly suffering from dementia. he is 85, she's 83. It was getting to a point where she was doing everything for him, and understandably, she felt she could no onger cope. Very sad etc, but we helped her get a flat in a 'naice' area etc. She hates it but that is another long story Anyway, he has no children but a niece who is vile, overbearing and bossy. He also has a sister who is the nieces mother - they have clearly been slagging off my mum for moving. Mum has been going to see him when she can, and went today. I called her to see how he was. She said his bungalow stank of wee and poo, his bed was unamde and soaking and he was more confused than ever - he has four carers a day but they don't seem to actually do anything useful. I told her she had to contact someone as he really needs to be in a home. The sister and niece refuse to let this happen - saying he is fine. he clearly isn't. he is also locked in at night by the carers and cannot get out until the morning! My mother is refusing to phone amyone becasue she is scared of having a row with the relatives!!! I have just screamed at her and called her a selish cow I'm sorry but everything is about her - it is all about HER! I said, he will die, she said I know. I said call someone, she said, I can't they'll get cross with me. I am beyond angry. What can I do!! He is such a lovely man and she professes to care about him but won't do anything..Please help :(

[AMumInScotland]

Maybe you could call someone? I don't know who, but someone like Age Concern could probably give advice. If you know his name and address and have concerns about how he is being "looked after" then don't wait for your mother to get up the nerve. If I was 83 I might be wary of getting into arguments with unpleasant people too.

[butisthismyname]

I have just got dh to call the emergency team - they are calling back. (too upset myself) I know she is worried about these people but I just feel that if she cares about him as meuch as she says, she would do something! The niece and sister don;t lonow where she lives now and she could quite easily be anonymous. It's just horrible :(

[ClareMarriott]

There also seems to be possibly the fact that the "gentleman's " sister and niece are angry at your mother moving because they are now faced with the real possibility of having to look after him . I agree that this appears to be then this is the time for the conduct of the social services/ carers to be looked at as it may be necessary for him to be moved to a home. Do you know how fond your mother is of her friend ? This is a very tricky situation and one I do not envy you having to deal with .

[butisthismyname]

They are angry that's true. But they collect all the allaowances which they didn't let my mum know about :( She did everything possible for him when she lived there and fel so exhausted she had no choice but to move to be honest. Howvere I cannot condone her attitude. his life is at risk. He needs to be looked after propoerly and they know that, they just refuse to let him go, and muddle him up every time he's asked.. Anyway, the EDT called back and we explained the situation. Hopefully they will check it out - especially the being locked in. That sickens me :(

[pippop1]

Being locked in is dangerous. If he needs to be locked in he shouldn't be living there.

Your Mum needs you to take responsibility for passing this gentleman on to professionals. She can't bring herself to do it, which is understandable. It's a sheltered bungalow so I'm assuming there is a warden of some kind?

You should tell them what DH has done (phoned the emergency team) which is a good thing and correct in the (sad) circumstances.

No doubt the warden has the gentleman's relatives contact numbers and can deal (administratively) with it all.

Very sad, but it is not your Mum's responsibility to do this really. It's too hard for her.