Help needed for a 10yo boy who isn't thriving.

[suedonim]

My mum asked me for help with this and tbh I don't really have much idea so I'm hoping mnetters can come to the rescue. Her neighbour, W, has a little boy of 10, J. W is lovely but very 'slow'. She had an awful childhood and I think would be diagnosed as having special needs today. (My mum has to go to the dr with W as she often doesn't understand what the dr says to her or she gets overwhelmed, that kind of thing)

J is 10 and W is concerned that he is falling behind in his development. He's small for his age and eats very badly, only junk food, really. More worrying is that he doesn't seem interested in the usual things a 10yo might do. He spends his time watching cartoons and Tweenies type TV and his only friend is just 6yo. He shows no interest in life at all, doesn't like playing or books or going out or anything and is very babyish, wanting his mum to be with him 24/7. He seems to be okay-ish at school in that they aren't concerned about his work, so I don't think he has SN. W is getting very worried about J but because of her problems she finds it hard to do anything about it. Dad is pretty useless - he thinks the school should raise J so refuses to do anything to help.

Imo W needs to be much stricter with J, for a start but because of her personality, she just isn't capable of implementing that kind of thing. I'd really like to help as W is lovely to my mum, rings her every morning to make sure she's okay, runs errands for her and is very kind hearted. So, over to you, Mumsnetters.

PS will also post in the SN section.

[MummyToSteven]

Hi Suedonim - just a few thoughts -

your mum and W are I think going to need to sit down and work out an overall "plan" of what they want to change and then take it baby step by baby step. I think that finding something that may interest W's son would be very helpful - whether it be swimming, stamp collecting, trainspotting, football - just something to get him out of the habit of watching TV and to increase his self esteem. Also your mum is going to need to give W a lot of moral support - as it sounds like W is going to be very lacking in confidence. I don't know if W would be willing to speak to her HV or not - a helpful HV/GP might be useful in terms of tips/advice and getting W's son assessed if need be and/or looking at whether W's son might be depressed. In an adult W's son's type of symptoms would suggest possible depression to me TBH.

Hope somebody more knowledgeable than me comes along soon

[Shimmy21]

You say that the school isn't worried? If there is any sort of developmental delay they will have noticed it. Even if academically he is just about holding his own they will be concerned if he only has a 6yr old friend. I'd say school is the first port of call to discuss this. Your mum sounds very supportive of W. Could she suggest going to a meeting with W to talk to the new class teacher and discuss concerns. If the school is worried W should have a Record of Concern spelling out problems and support.

[Twiglett]

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[suedonim]

Thank you for the replies. The school hasn't registered its concern so far but it's not a great school, just received a bad Ofsted report. Even so, my mum said she hoped J's new teacher may pick up on this.

My mum is very supportive of W - she's helped out since J was born as W didn't have a clue what to do (not in the 'Help, I'm a new mum!' sense but in that she didn't know he had to be fed/changed regularly etc).

I don't think this is something that can be managed without outside guidance, it's too much for W to cope with - are HV's able to help even when the child is over the age of 5? I think she needs a Homestart sort of thing but that's limited to ages 0-3 up here.

[suedonim]

Twiglett, W told my mum that she was worried about J, though mum has been aware things aren't right for a while. W is very aware of her own difficulties and is keen that J doesn't go the same way.

Dunno about my mum being lovely -she's a PITA to her own children!!! But she tries to do things with J, looking at books or talk about an interesting tv programme but she doesn't get much response. Mind you, she's looking after J next week when his mum has a hosp appt and mum says he'll be eating what she gives him for tea!!

These are all good ideas I can pass onto Mum and which she could help W with.

[Twiglett]

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[tigermoth]

As well as the school or GP getting involved formally, could your mum encourage more informal networking?

Are there any clubs the boy could go to that are attached to the school? things like scouts (already mentioned) or sports clubs? It could be a support for both mother and son, as these clubs will encourge parental involvement and there will hopefully be lots of parents from the school there. As well as providing more of a social life for them both, it would mean more people are aware of the relationship between mum and son, and if there are problems could have a word in the right ear, perhaps. ie if a parent at scouts is a PTA memeber and knows the teachers well, perhaps they would pass on thier concerns - IME the most active parents at school are both PTA members, after school club organisers and aren't afraid of approaching the taechers about issues.

[MummyToSteven]

also wonder if W could obtain help for herself - literacy classes/surestart type parenting classes something that would help her and boost her esteem

[suedonim]

W is very willing to help herself. She can read so she's attending classes that are helping her with stuff like form-filling. She called at my mum's a couple of weeks ago to tell her she'd been to the bank and opened an account, all by herself. W is already pretty well 'networked' in the town - it's very small, about 6,000 folks, and I think W knows each and every one of them, lol! I think scouts sounds a very good idea, actually. J already attends Tai kwondo(sp?) but doesn't seem to have made any friends there. I'm going to let my mum have a list of all these great ideas and she'll be able to suggest them to W. I'm really grateful for your help!