Telling tales to teacher

[Posey]

Wasn't really sure which section this should go in, but since its a school related problem I thought I'd try education.
Dd is 6 and getting on very well at school. She's bright, popular and actually a very nice girl. May sound conceited, but she really is an all round good egg.
Anyway there's a girl in her class who really likes my dd and wants to be her friend to the exclusion of everyone else. Dd likes her enough, but wants to be friends with lots of children. She also finds her a bit irritating, she's extremely babyish and totally spoilt. Now the problem is she keeps telling tales to the teacher about dd. For example, a group of them may be playing a game, this girl comes along and tell dd she wants to play something else. If dd says she doesn't want to play that, then the girl goes and tells the teacher my dd won't play with her. She also tells her mum who then comes to school and says my dd is being mean and won't play with her. I spoke to the mother some time ago about it and thought things were sorted. But then yesterday when this mum went into school to help 3 of the girls (dd included) said something which this child told the teacher they were being rude about her mum. It was quite untrue, but it is really getting me down. Whenever my daughter gets told off at school, its always got something to do with this child. I'm also fed up with this mother always coming straight in to moan about it without getting dd's side of the story.

Not really sure if all this makes sense, but hope someone can help. I really don't want this woman telling her friends my daughter is a nasty bully.
It is mainly my dd, but there are a couple of other children who seem to be picked on. I thought this woman was a friend and feel I could talk to her, but not really sure what to say.
Anyone able to give a bit of advice please

[Gilli]

I have amost exactly the same problem at the moment: my dd isn't 'allowed' to play with one of her friends becasue of the possessive behaviour of a class mate. I think you could try going in to see the year head/ head teacher and form teacher, and explaining it as you have set it out here. The playing/not playing games that aren't 'hers' is a common problem IME, and so your school may have had to deal with it before. You could ask for the staff to monitor what's going on, for example. Good luck!

[suedonim]

I had a fairly similar situation with my dd. I just informed the teacher what was going on and she knew immediately who was behind it! I'd have a quiet chat with your dd's teacher and let her sort it out. They know their pupils pretty well, ime. Best wishes.

[Tinker]

I just think the woman sounds really childish. How silly to be coming into school to complain about a 6 year old being "mean". I agree, just tell the teacher what is going on and leave it to her.

My friend was accosted by another mother at the school gates to complain that my friend's daughter had called her daughter "a big fat poo". The girls were 6. This mother was being serious!

[nutcracker]

Have had a similar problem with my dd (6). There is a girl in her clas who is a bit of a bully (she likes to push people around and tell themwhat to do). The last incident was when my DD came home crying, saying that this girl had made her sit on the bench for the whole of playtime and wouldn't let her get up to pley with anyone else. I asked her why she hadn't told the teacher and she said that this girl had said if you tell, i'll say you've been swearing. I decided to ring the girls mother (i don't usually as if i did this every time dd complained about her i'd never be off the phone). She asked her dd if it was true and she admitted it was, but the mothers resonse was 'well you rdd obviously needs to learn to stand up for herself and take a joke'
I have since told dd that if this girl is being nasty then not to play with her, but dd has said that the teacher has told her she's got to.

[tigermoth]

I haven't had this exact problem, but recently my oldest son had problems with a classmate who was teasing and winding him behind the teacher's back. I happened to witness some of the wind up behaviour at a party we all attended. I knew it would affect my son at school and possibly make him behave badly. I wrote a note to the teacher, naming names but not blaming the other boy as such. I took the line 'I want to tell you this because it might affect how my son behaves in class since *** is making him unhappy'. The teacher sorted in out that day and although my son and the boy will never be friends, they rub along together OK now.

I would not approach this girl's mother again, but go through the teacher. The mother sounds like she won't listen to you at the moment anyway, so let a third party intervene. Make sure you ask the teacher to keep you posted and keep asking your daughter if things have settled down.

[charlize]

I agree with tigermoth, don't even bother talking to the mother. I really think there are some mums who who go totally over the top looking for bullying were it doesn't exist and are up the school complaining at the drop of a hat.
Iam not talking about you nutcracker that was awful what your dd has to put up with and is an example of true bullying.
We have a mother at our school with an 11 yr old son. From reception class she has pampered him like you wouldn't believe.
He is an only child and a total mummys boy, who keeps accusing different boys of bullying him.
According to ds this boy is absolutly not being bullied in any way.
I have watched this boy come out of school all happy and cheerful then his face changes when he sees his mum and he runs over to tell tales.
I hear this mother whispering to unsuspecting other mums about the bullying policy. etc.
So far it hasn't been ds turn to be accused but I tell him to avoid this boy just in case.
Heres an example. Last week a group of about 6 boys including ds and this boy were playing play fighting in the yard. This is a harmless enough game between friends who are only primary school boys.
Ds said they were all bouncing one another around when this boy actually really did punch another boy quite hard.
Ds said the incident was forgotten and they all went on to play football instead.
However even though this so called bullied boy was the one who did the punching he ran straight out of school to his mum to complain that this other boy had hurt HIM!!
His mum was furious and went staight in to the head.
This whole situation is ridic and I honestly believe this boys parents have made him the way he is. For as long as I can rember their first words to him after school have been how are you did any one say anything to you?
I have told my ds to under no circumstance ever play pretend fighting with this boy.
God if I went up the school every time ds had gotten a knock in the play ground. Its a yard these things happen.
Ds once had to have a cat scan because of a knock in the play yard. I was worried sick bit I never blamed the school or the child who ran into ds, if it had happened to this other boy she would have probably wanted the police involved. The woman really is a nuisance so I totally understand how you feel.

[Posey]

Thanks everyone. It is hard if you think your child is being picked on, no one wants to play etc but this woman does not realise that by always running to the teacher and getting her daughter to do the same she is making the problem worse. Dd and the other children in the group prefer not to play with her in case they inadvertantly do something that she'll tell her mum or teacher.
I think the teacher probably knows me well enough to know I won't make a fuss over nothing so will have a word tomorrow after school.
Thanks again.

[polly28]

Hi posey,my dd went through this when she was that age.The girl who was so possessive was quite insecure .I spoke to her teacher about it and she dealt withit straightaway by talking to the whole class about friendship and telling etc.It didn't cure the problem but it did help and she moved away soon after.

My dd is now twelve and still has a friend who gets very jealous when she feels my dd isn't attentive enough.She can resort to being quite a bully when she'a feeling jealous.I have asked my dd why she stays friends with her and her reply was "its hard not to be friends with someone who likes you" bless!
anyway i think she's always going to be suceptible to kids like this as she's a nice kind girl and, if i may say so myself ,very likeable.Insecure children attach themselves because they know dd won't be horrible to them.