Calling teachers to level for me a piece of writing.

(56 Posts)
worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 20:58:32

Very worried about dd at school and found this piece of writing she has recently completed independently at home. It's parents' evening soon and would like some sort of idea where she is before seeing them.

Thanks in advance.

The Dark Shadow
My parents say I’m delusional, they say I’m imagining it but I saw it. It’s coming for me and it won’t give up….
1 day earlier
Chapter 1
Today’s test day
I don’t want to go to school today, I might say I’m sick but I doubt my parents will beleive me, they don’t trust me on anything now I’ve started telling them about the legends of the dark shadow. There’s a legend about a shadow who lives in the dark and pounces at you when you’re most vulnerable, they say I’m silly. I might as well go to school, it’s not like anything news going to happen.
Chapter 2
Our first test was maths, I wouldn’t say it was easy nor impossible. I was on a struggling question when in the corner of my eye I say a blur of darkness at the end of the room. At first I thought I was dreaming until I saw it again in the corridor peering at me. I don’t know whats happening, I think it’s got something to do with me feeling weird all week. I think I’m in danger! My parents won’t believe me, the only person that might is my bff Ashley, of course I’ll need evidence, I’ll ask her at lunch.

Chapter 3
My name’s Maddy, I’m a girl, I eat and drink, I have all the senses. What’s so special about me? Tell me because I can’t think of anything. Hang on a second where am I? I’m really scared now, it’s really dark in here wherever I am. I’m really panicking now…
AAH! OMG! Something really weird just happened, I shot light out of my hand. I’m getting out of here.

Chapter 4
I did some research and apparantly light weakens the shadow but not even the light of the whole world would destroy it, you would need the light of the universe plus the stars and some bonus light but even then there would be a hint of it left.
Chapter 5
I’m on my way to tell Ashley. Here she is, I said
“Hey Ashley, I need to tell you something”
“What?”
I explained to her, she didn’t believe me. I’m gonna walk away AAAh!
“Help” It was the dark shadow but this time he was approaching me. Ashley screamed. I panicked. No, I couldn’t have I did it again, I shot light out of my hands again.

BalloonSlayer Sun 28-Apr-13 12:06:05

Bugger the levels, that's a great piece of writing, wonderful atmosphere: chilling and scary. I would like to have read more.

clam Sun 28-Apr-13 14:58:14

balloonslayer - that's just what teachers have been saying for years! But Ofsted/the government insist that children's writing has to tick certain boxes in order to "count" as a child having made progress. It's very frustrating.

bella65 Mon 29-Apr-13 14:48:48

I teach secondary English and honestly thought this was the work of a year 7 or 8 child until I read your other posts.

This

Chapter 4
I did some research and apparantly light weakens the shadow but not even the light of the whole world would destroy it, you would need the light of the universe plus the stars and some bonus light but even then there would be a hint of it left.

is actually way above an average year 4 level. Yes, she can't use full stops and uses commas instead most of the time. She's also a bit iffy with apostrophes for omission, and confused knew/ new- but she does know how to punctuate dialogue which many older children don't.

As diary entries or personal writing it's good- but she needs to avoid using things like OMG which would not be acceptable unless in a diary or quoting 'text speak' etc.

I still think the maturity of the concepts is way above a yr 4 pupil though.

bella65 Mon 29-Apr-13 14:53:21

p.s.- I really wouldn't worry about semi colons now- I find many 15/16 yr olds struggle with those. They are a very subtle use of punctuation which most adults don't have a clue how to use! Get the basics right first- commas and full stops.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Mon 29-Apr-13 15:43:26

Thanks. That's useful to know about the semi colons. We've already done some work on full stops and commas and I'll get her to edit this piece when she is ready.

dollywashers Tue 30-Apr-13 10:48:26

I would say 4b too.

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