Calling teachers to level for me a piece of writing.

(56 Posts)
worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 20:58:32

Very worried about dd at school and found this piece of writing she has recently completed independently at home. It's parents' evening soon and would like some sort of idea where she is before seeing them.

Thanks in advance.

The Dark Shadow
My parents say I’m delusional, they say I’m imagining it but I saw it. It’s coming for me and it won’t give up….
1 day earlier
Chapter 1
Today’s test day
I don’t want to go to school today, I might say I’m sick but I doubt my parents will beleive me, they don’t trust me on anything now I’ve started telling them about the legends of the dark shadow. There’s a legend about a shadow who lives in the dark and pounces at you when you’re most vulnerable, they say I’m silly. I might as well go to school, it’s not like anything news going to happen.
Chapter 2
Our first test was maths, I wouldn’t say it was easy nor impossible. I was on a struggling question when in the corner of my eye I say a blur of darkness at the end of the room. At first I thought I was dreaming until I saw it again in the corridor peering at me. I don’t know whats happening, I think it’s got something to do with me feeling weird all week. I think I’m in danger! My parents won’t believe me, the only person that might is my bff Ashley, of course I’ll need evidence, I’ll ask her at lunch.

Chapter 3
My name’s Maddy, I’m a girl, I eat and drink, I have all the senses. What’s so special about me? Tell me because I can’t think of anything. Hang on a second where am I? I’m really scared now, it’s really dark in here wherever I am. I’m really panicking now…
AAH! OMG! Something really weird just happened, I shot light out of my hand. I’m getting out of here.

Chapter 4
I did some research and apparantly light weakens the shadow but not even the light of the whole world would destroy it, you would need the light of the universe plus the stars and some bonus light but even then there would be a hint of it left.
Chapter 5
I’m on my way to tell Ashley. Here she is, I said
“Hey Ashley, I need to tell you something”
“What?”
I explained to her, she didn’t believe me. I’m gonna walk away AAAh!
“Help” It was the dark shadow but this time he was approaching me. Ashley screamed. I panicked. No, I couldn’t have I did it again, I shot light out of my hands again.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 20:59:13

Should add - what do I need to focus on to help her improve?

CognitiveOverload Thu 25-Apr-13 21:02:18

What are you asking exactly?

Smartiepants79 England Thu 25-Apr-13 21:04:39

How old is she?

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:04:46

Is is possible to give it a NC level? Her school is in a mess it seems and we've been told to virtually ignore any previous assessments done. Also she has had about 20 teachers since the start of the year.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:05:14

She is Y4 - 9.

CognitiveOverload Thu 25-Apr-13 21:07:54

Looks amazing for 9.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:08:24

She was given a level today for writing at school which means she has only made one sublevel in two years and is on the same one she was a year ago. She still hasn't hit her target for writing which was set for her in Sept 2011 for July 2012.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:13:03

The teacher we are seeing for parents' evening has only been with the class part time for the last two weeks and the last supply they had has lost assessment data and sats she did with them and conveniently hadn't shared this information with anyone including the children before leaving.

CognitiveOverload Thu 25-Apr-13 21:13:50

Maybe her school work is not the same standard as this?

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:16:08

Maybe, I don't know. I haven't seen any of it this year as this is the first parents' evening we are having due to no teacher. I also work full time so don't to up to the school at all. She did this work off her own back and she isn't a keen writer so it's all I've got to go on at the moment.

CognitiveOverload Thu 25-Apr-13 21:19:02

Its a possibility. ..maybe she is less motivated by school assignments as she obviously has a vivid imagination and likes to be creative. Something schools aren't known for fostering.

Smartiepants79 England Thu 25-Apr-13 21:21:36

I teach year 4 and this seems to be of a high standard. Is this copied exactly as she wrote it?
If it is then I would say it is at least a mid level 4 if not higher.
Excellent vocabulary.
Good use of punctuation.
Use of paragraphs to organise writing.
Lots of variety in sentence beginnings, structure etc.
See if you can look at this
webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20110809101133/http://wsassets.s3.amazonaws.com/ws/nso/pdf/c7d5d6da2fbcd3375c26d5628d66fd01.pdf
What levels are they expecting from her?

It is a good level 4 I think, secure 4b, possible a 4a. It is punctuated very well, spelling is very good, and she is using some good techniques to 'grab attention'.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:23:23

Her school has been severely criticized by Ofsted for their lack of moderation and inaccuracies in levelling hence being told previous data from other years not reliable. That along with string of supply teachers and no assessment data yet this year makes it very difficult to know what is going on. Anything related to Ofsted's points has to go to governors rather than the head.

Pozzled Thu 25-Apr-13 21:24:02

Not sure about a level without looking at assessment guidelines. Possibly a 3a? It does depend how she writes in other genres though.

Very good vocabulary for her age, good level of detail and tries to build up suspense to draw the reader in.

She needs to work on punctuation- she is using commas often when it should be full stops. She is doing fine for year 4 though IMO. What level does the teacher say she is?

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged Thu 25-Apr-13 21:24:11

She needs to avoid comma splicing.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:25:40

I don't know what level to expect from her. Overall her school has done dreadfully nationally - think bottom few percent for value added nationally.
I am not great at punctuation but thought she used far too many commas instead of full stops.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:26:44

Cross posts about the commas! How can I help her with this? Buy some books from WHSmiths?

Pozzled Thu 25-Apr-13 21:27:41

Yes, she's comma splicing- that keeps her at level 3 even though her vocab etc is level 4.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:28:11

It is copied exactly as she wrote it. I don't know how she writes in other genres apart from she doesn't like writing lots and will write the minimum hence my using this opportunity to post a longer piece.

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged Thu 25-Apr-13 21:29:03

Have you looked at the bbc bite size website? There are some excellent punctuation games on there.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:30:32

Thanks, reluctantly. I have used this site a bit for maths. Tbh I haven't really done anything with her at home for English apart from reading together.

Pozzled Thu 25-Apr-13 21:35:05

Try asking her to read through the work- can she tell where the full stops need to go? If not, she will need some work on sentence construction- what a clause is, how to join clauses.

worriedaboutddpleasehelp Thu 25-Apr-13 21:35:58

I have asked her to recheck and she thinks the commas are correct.

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