DD struggling socially at school

[SantasSandyBalls]

My twin DDs started reception last September and are in different classes. Bit of a problem to begin with, mainly with DD2 crying and not wanting to go, but thought they were fine now.
On Friday DD2s teacher asked to speak to me alone and said that she was "struggling socially" (her words) at school. She said that all the other children had developed one or two "special" friends by now but she hadn't. She tended to chat generally with the whole class. She suggested I invite a couple of girls round for tea to help her bond, which I am obviously happy to do and will try and sort out.

What I wanted to know from MN is, is this situation unusual for 4/5 year olds? How many of your reception children have "special" friends.

[SantasSandyBalls]

Anyone?

[Feistybird]

I think at this age, general socialising is preferable over having a couple of 'special' frinds - as hat happens when one of said friends is ill?

Nothing to worry about, imho.

[SantasSandyBalls]

Thanks, I was thinking the same thing. I'm surprised she has drawn this to my attention TBH.
I'd be more worried if she didn't socialise at all.

[Anchovy]

Sandyballs if its any consolation DS (who is 4) started school in September and at his parents' evening the teacher said that he had made 2 good "special" friends, but he needed to spend more time with everyone. So I wouldn't be too concerned! Or send both of your DDS round to play with DS and then everyone's teachers will be happy!

[Feistybird]

and sandyballs, 'bout time you dropped the sanat

[charliecat]

My dd started in Sept an hasnt made any firm friends either, her older sister hadnt till maybe year 1...and now shes part of a little crew of 4 that are like glue. Dont worry.

[Littlefish]

I was a reception teacher until recently. I positively encouraged children to develop a wide circle of friends within the class, rather than just one or two "special friends". Are you worried about your dd's social skills? Does she have other friends outside school? If you feel that you (and she) would like to have a few people round to play, then go ahead. However, I have to say that if she is happy chatting with the whole class, and plays happily with a wider group of children at lunchtime and playtime, then I would just cheer!!! She sounds great!

[xfactormum]

Hi, I also have 4 year old twins who started primary school in September,
two DS's, the youngest in their class. I kept them together as they are both
quite independant of each other and didnt really see the need to separate
them at this stage. Not sure if I have made the right decision on that one.
Both boys are sociable and chatty to everyone they meet. However DS1 is
ahead of DS2 in the area of making specific friends, well maybe not ahead
just different. He seems to be popular with his peers and older children and
has got some invites to other childrens houses on his own when parents didnt
realise he had a twin.He is a natural organiser and leader and I think other
children gravitate towards that quality. DS2 doesnt seem to have specific
friends yet but seems to be friendly with everyone and is a bit of a
follower rather than a leader. I find it difficult to see DS1 being more
popular but lately DS2 seems to speak about individual children and describe
what they do more than he did at the beginning so hopefully it will come. I
think in my case the difference between both boys is down to a mixture of
personality maturity and possibly being a twin where one is more dominant
than the other. I think as long as they are mixing in general and will join
in class events at this stage the teacher should not need to mention the
fact that your DD has not made specific friends. It must be hard enough
learning everyones name and getting into a routine in the first term not to
mind doing much else.

[Shimmers]

I think that the idea of having special friends is a nice one but it is much better to be able to do what your daughter seems to be doing- mixing with everyone. Some kids with 'special friends' find it very hard to get on with school life if these friends are absent. I think using the phrase 'struggling socially' does not fit in with children who play with everyone. In fact the opposite, your child seems to be developing very help socially if she can mix well with everyone. Is there anything else worrying the teacher?

[dexter]

yes, your daughter is absolutely fine and don't worry! Definitely better to socialise with the whole class at this stage because as someone said, if you have one or two special friends you are really lost without them. It may be that your daughter doesn't feel the need to make a 'special' friend because she doesn't have the need in her life - she has a twin, a ready made best friend.

I get cross with teachers who worry parents with misjudgements - a child who chats generally with the whole class is NOT 'struggling socially' but is doing very well. NO PROBLEM!!!

Remember that when a teacher writes a report or makes a judgement they are using their own ideas and prejudices so always ask yourself 'does this matter to me or my child?' if not, then it's not a problem.

[sandyballs]

Thanks for all your replies. I was a bit confused as to why the teacher thought this was worth mentioning separately.

She did say that she thought she had upset my DD that day by asking her to pick who she would like to walk to lunch with, and DD burst into tears and asked for mummy . Apparently most lunch times everyone pairs up and she is wandering around like a lost soul, so I suppose the teacher thought she was helping! Not the right approach with her, I bet she felt under pressure.

She's happy enough, and like you say Dexter, she has a best friend with her sister. She's probably enjoying her own space a bit without DD1 constantly by her side, as she was through nursery, and consequently doesn't feel the need for a "special friend".

[dexter]

sandyballs, the other thing that occurs is the teacher needs to be encouraging the group to act as a group a bit more. If everyone pairs up this is infact not a good thing for their social development - some group activities could be offered to get them all to gel a bit. Someone could start a game of tag or something at break time if this is when the pairing goes on.

Basically I think the teacher needs to lighten up a bit!

[Art]

DS started in Reception in September. He has found it quite difficult socially too as he didnt know anyone from preschool and doesnt have a 'special' friend. However, he talks about several other children and seems quite happy , which, IMO is the most important thing. Is dd2 happy at school? If it doesnt bother her then I wouldnt worry at this stage.

[grammaticus]

I agree that there's no need to worry - and i hope I'm right as my ds2 started reception this time and is exactly the same as this!

[Spidermama]

Sorry to hear this SSB. I had a similar experience with a happy outcome.
My dd 'struggled socially' at this age. It was heartbreaking for a while. Girls of this age do seem to form close bonds with one or two (usually one) other girls and my dd was left out of this.
It was a really tough time but the good news is she came through it and is now really out-going and popular. I would even go so far as to say she's stronger for the experience.

I used to invite people round. I don't know if it helped. She seemed to find her own path in the end. After school yoga club helped.
Come to think of it, my DS became more socially confident when we took him to weekend rugby. Groups which are outside school are pretty good for this.

Good luck.

[muma3]

my daughter doesnt "stick" to 1 or 2 special children but enjoys the company of the whole class . at the first parents evening my dd2 teacher told me that she was very good at socialising and although she likes to spend time on her own she can share and play with others too . she didnt seem to show any concern for her ability to play alone or with everyone . imo as long as they can share with others and can enjoy thier own company and also play with others i dont think it matters whether they have 1 special friend or not

[TinyGang]

I haven't read all of your thread, but I think that as long as she seems happy and is getting on generally that's just fine.

She may take longer to weigh people up and choose her friends over a longer period of time That may be because she has relied upon her twin until now for that special closeness and isn't in any hurry to replace her with just anyone during class time.

By all means do the tea invitations but I think the teacher is worrying you un-necessarily providing your dd is happy with things as they are.

My dd quickly became friendly with a girl in reception, but it became all consuming in a way. The girl wouldn't let my dd socialise with anyone else when she wanted to play elsewhere. I had to intervene as my dd was becoming horribly stifled by the other child. The teacher was concerned too and said she liked to mix the children up from time to time so that they didn't get too reliant on one friend.

It was resolved in the end, but now my dd keeps her friendships very much an open option and has learned not to get too bogged down with one person.

[TinyGang]

Also agree with Dexter's good point actually.

How can she be seen as struggling socially when she's actually friendly with the whole class? I seem to rememeber your other thread about your dd missing her twin initally. Sounds like she's coming along very, very well in fact and dealing with it all beautifully.