How to help my overweight son?

[Oneeyedbloke]

My 20yo son is seriously overweight and it is worrying me & DW to bits. The main problem - or, at least, the first hurdle - is that he won't talk to us about it. He seems to have accepted that he's fat, he has no friends that we know of, he never goes out.

He's home from university at the moment, spending 90% of his time in his bedroom, either asleep or on computer - though to be fair a lot of this is art-related, he's studying art and uses Photoshop a lot.

I'd say he weighs about 25 stone but it's hard to know exactly as he never weighs himself, he shuns all mention of weight problems, overeating or exercise. I wouldn't be surprised to find the real figure was more like 30. He's tall - 6ft2 - and naturally a 'big guy' built on a large scale; he could probably be fine at 16 or 17 stone.

He had a happy childhood - so good-natured and contented as a baby & toddler but has had the usual horrible experiences as a 'fat kid' at school, including bullying.

We have 2 other DSs, one older, one younger. Eldest DS is 22, was overweight too but is now normal weight after losing about 10 stones aged 18, which he did by counting calories. Youngest is 15, not overweight & never has been despite large appetite.

Does anyone have any success stories, especially re talking to their children and somehow breaking through the wall of resistance/indifference?

[fatpony]

How is your eldest son's relationship with this son? Could he possibly help him? My bro was overweight as a teenager and the more my parents brought it up the more he resented it and backed off. In the end he lost it himself, some was probably puppy fat. As he's home from Uni does he eat meals with you? Can he help prepare them in the kitchen with you and then he can get an idea of how to cook healthily?

[JaWellNoFine]

Not sure it will help. But DH what always been overweight his whole life.
Now. In his 40's. He started the 5/2 diet which he does quite well but not 100% properly. He cheats/forgets.
he has lost so much weight. It's had zero impact on lifestyle.

I don't know how you get him to do it though. Its a self realisation thing, I think.. Perhaps do it as a family while his home and try change habits.

[JaWellNoFine]

Apologies for all those mistakes.

[BIWI]

Is he eating his meals with you?

If so, then you don't need to talk to him about it, you just change what you're cooking. And you stop buying stuff like biscuits/cakes/chocolate/sugary drinks or any other treats.

Make sure you all eat the same things so it doesn't seem like you're putting him on a diet.

If he queries it, you can say that you and your DW are trying to eat healthily and he's just going to have to come along for the ride.

[JaWellNoFine]

Oh and if you can get him to feel a difference in the month he is more likely to continue at uni. So be good. Make this month count.

[starlight2007]

Can I suggest while he is home you remove all junk food from home...Cook from scratch..Can you get him to help you in the kitchen.

Does he know how to cook? If he just picks at food, make up a fruit salad and leave it in the fridge..

You can tell him you would chat to him if he wants to however at 20 he may not want to..

If going out for a walk see if he wants to come with you

[Oneeyedbloke]

His big brother does talk to him about his weight pony but they are very different personalities, DS2 - the one we're worried about - won't listen to DS1 if he doesn't want to, they have a lot of friendly rivalry, a lot of banter & mickey-taking. DS2 is able to project a very confident, self-sufficient front, which is by no means entirely false. He helps cook; he's the only one of our 3 sons who is any good in the kitchen. In many ways, he's very capable. He just eats too much food and shuns exercise. I've just this second had a conversation with him about going to a nearby gym together; he's refusing because it would be a 10-15 minute walk.

We do eat pretty healthy food BIWI & JaWell - in fact DS2 will often help cook it. We eat together - something I've always insisted on - but all the boys will also eat at odd times, especially late. We've tried to regulate this but it's hard to get a 22yo & a 20yo to go to bed at a decent time; we still have some control over DS3. The two eldest are forever having 'sleep pattern problems' which basically involves getting up really late, joining us for the evening meal, but then staying up way later than everyone else and, of course, getting hungry and eating. We'd so like them to keep more normal hours but that seems very unlikely at the moment.

The issue isn't so much junk food starlight. DS3, who doesn't have a weight problem, is much more likely to pig out on biscuits he's bought himself. DS2 gets fat on pasta and bacon sandwiches.

[BIWI]

I'd look to cut down/out as much carbohydrate as you can. Focus on carbs that you get from vegetables and salad and shun refined carbs like bread, pasta, sugar and rice. It's very, very easy to get into eating too much of those - toast for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, pasta for dinner, etc.

If you can try and avoid those, by cooking, say, eggs for breakfast, a salad for lunch and meat/fish with vegetables for dinner, you'll help enormously.

[BIWI]

... but I sympathise with you. It's tough when people respond differently to the same type of foods. And must be hard for your son too.

[Oneeyedbloke]

JaWell I'm not sure whether your OH lost weight on the 5/2 diet. You say he lost so much but it hasn't made any difference to his lifestyle. Would you recommend it?

[PotteringAlong]

He's an adult. I'd butt out of his life.

[Oneeyedbloke]

I do wonder BIWI where pasta ever got its healthy reputation from. Maybe as a 'Mediterranean' food? But it's refined flour - no better than white bread as far as I can see.

[Oneeyedbloke]

I know, pottering. But it's hard to see your own son, living under your roof, eating food that you provide, steadily heading towards diabetes, friendless, crippling his life by overeating. Yes, technically he's an adult at 20, but he's not supporting himself and behind the I-know-what-I'm-doing facade, he's simply avoiding the whole issue.

[BIWI]

DS2 is 20, still lives with us, and is not, as far as I can see, anywhere close to deserving being called an adult!!!

[FinallyHere]

Well, my mother sets a great example on healthy eating. I've had my 55th birthday this year and only really started eating in a way that suits me this year, with a lot of help from BIWI

Most helpful thing my mother started to do, was to leave it to me.

I can see that that isn't helpful for you, but just sayin'

[MrsMargoLeadbetter]

Hello OP

I am guessing you think your DS has issues beyond 'just' eating too much as you have posted on the ED thread?

I have suffered from Binge Eating Disorder since I was 16 (I think) and I am only addressing it now at nearly 40 :(.

In fact until I was in my mid 20s I didn't really realise I was doing something different to everyone else! It is 'like' Bulimia but without the purging, laxatives or excessive exercising to compensate the overeating thus BED suffers tend to be overweight.

If your DS is similar then diets & being told to diet can be part of the problem. I have tried every diet there is (now nearly 40) and I always found it really difficult, as I could stick to it to a point but then I would binge and then I'd feel bad/a failure and then I'd binge more. It is a horrible cycle.

I eat (as do many BED sufferers) to deal with self-esteem issues which comes out in many ways. It has very little to do with what goes into my mouth - food is just my 'drug' of choice. For me it suspends my busy mind of all the things that I am not doing/not doing well enough etc.

I have joined the BED thread on here a year ago and since I have been introduced to Dr Fairburn, which is an approach to try to normalise eating/ones relationship to food. It isn't focused on weight-loss, he believes you need to sort out the ED first. This is disappointing, as "we" all know that we should be smaller for health reasons if nothing else...however, I am willing to give it a go as nothing else has worked.

I was also lucky enough to get a place on a CBT group run by my local ED service. They use Fairburn too. Could you buy the book and read it to see if you think it would help your DS? Early intervention (if he has an ED) can mean a quicker recovery. Beat is also good for info. They seem good at stuff for young people.

I think there are lots of pressures on women to be slim/look a certain way, but I also think there are lots of pressures on men. They are just meant to be able to eat what they want and to look a certain way - 6 pack etc.

Obviously it is very difficult if he doesn't want to engage on the topic. But if you read up on it (if you haven't already) then maybe you could gently suggest he does the same? As I said I didn't even realise what I was doing was abnormal really...

I feel for you both. My DM (despite being overweight herself) has always focused on the need for me to diet. I just don't think she ever considered it could be an ED. If she did, maybe I wouldn't be trying to reverse 20+ years of learned negative behaviour now. Obviously I could have addressed it myself during that time, but I always thought I could overcome it by just trying harder at a diet....

I am so determined and competent in the rest of my life, I just struggled to understand why I couldn't just 'sort' my weight out...

I decided to try to sort it out (and finally speak out about it, I have lots of shame about my behaviour and what it has done to my body :() as I now have a little DD myself and I want to improve my relationship with food before she learns from me.

Good luck OP. I wish you and your son all the very best.

[MrsMargoLeadbetter]

Also...a lot of the ppl at the ED CBT group had some sort of low level depression, which might also be going on with your DS based on what you have said.

[Oneeyedbloke]

Thanks so much MrsMargot for your long replies, I'm sorry to reply so late, been on hols (away from internet!). You've given me lots to follow up, I had never heard of BED & the Fairburn book sounds really promising. I'm pretty sure DS2 comfort eats to get himself through stressy times, I don't think he's aware of bingeing and he certainly would never stick to a weight-loss diet, he hates weighing himself.

I'm certainly going to read up on the ED angle; I won't pretend to understand exactly how binge eating differs from overeating more generally, I mean I get that there are binges but I can't work out how knowing that helps combat the eating. I've got a lot to learn.

Your own journey sounds tough, MrsM. Diets are such a drag, and shame such a bummer of an emotion when you haven't really done anything morally wrong. Thanks so much for sharing, and the same to all posters.