Need help

[PleaseGetWell]

I've struggled with bulimia for over 25 years. My hair, skin, eyes, teeth etc are all showing effects of that. I've been gripped by food and the ED for so long now - it's exhausting. I don't want to detail some of the extremes I have sunk too .

To combat the ED, I have abused pills for well over a decade. It started when I stole my closest friends stash of reductil out of her handbag - she doesn't know to this day. The feeling of not 'craving' food was heaven. It was good to feel normal again so I started buying them over the Internet. Goodness knows what I have put into my body over the last 10 years.

All I've ever craved is the unnatural desire to stop my appetite. Even know, if I could induce anorexia, I would. I totally would. I have been working with someone with anorexia recently (not in a healthcare setting at all - something totally unrelated to her health) and I am actually jealous of this child. I want to totally switch off my appetite.

I have had such a fright with the recent death of the young girl from toxicity from the slimming pills she was taking. I've tried to wean myself off the pills and the results have been catastrophic. My appetite is out of control and my weight in just one month has ballooned (over 1.5 stones). I no longer know what satiety is and I think I'm in trouble here. My bulimia is back with a vengeance and I'm in a real mess.

I don't want to visit my GP. I have tried twice in the last 5 years and each time, they have started a course of fluoxetine, lowest dose and asked to see me after 1 month, but I can't bring myself to return so I drop out of their care. I can't bring myself to see them and go through it all again. I am only interested in the fluoxetine as an appetite suppressant so when it doesn't deliver, I lose interest.

Help me please. My body is struggling under the pressure of this rapid weight gain and my mind is at breaking point. I want to be thin beyond belief - I want to disappear, yet I look like a whale.

I have no control, I never have had control, but now it is worse than it's ever been.

[PleaseGetWell]

Please don't ask me to read a book. My every waking thought is with food. I don't want to read books and they won't help me anyway. Help help help.

[rootypig]

Huge hugs. What a brave and honest post.

I don't have experience of ED - I hope someone will be along soon who does. But have you looked into support groups in your area? Can you afford the support of a therapist who has expertise in this area? Please don't think that you must effect your recovery alone, through sheer force of self will.

What is the picture in the rest of your life?

[PleaseGetWell]

I walk this path alone, I have to.
I live such a busy life - think fairly high in education. No time to breathe. DH is equally high up rank in education and I never see him. We manage.
DD's are the best thing that's ever happened to me and when pregnant I somehow managed to feed my body properly. I didn't take pills with them whilst carrying them.
Whichever way I manage this, it must be managed alone. I don't have the family support. No one will understand. I barely understand.

Even writing all this down isn't a release. My every waking thought is to be thin - not attractive and thin, not curvy an healthy, not toned, but thin. Thin to the point of vanishing.

If I could switch on anorexia, I would.
I'm a mess.

[rootypig]

OP, with respect - if you are serious about getting well, you have to stop writing the rules in advance. Frankly, you can't do it alone. You can't. The feeling that you have to is your illness talking. And you must find a way to make time for treatment, whichever path you choose.

I understand that you've had unhelpful experiences with your GPs and I'm not suggesting that you go back there. But you have to find something - your posts telegraph that you are in crisis. Have you ever looked to see if there's an ED support group where you live? Have you ever looked into therapy?

[PleaseGetWell]

Rootypig, I thank you for your honest and candid response.

No, I've never looked into therapy. I just don't want to talk about this. I became quite ill in my early 20's (severe reactive depression and psychosis after the sudden death of a loved one) and was given fluoxetine as an AD and visited the CMHT every other day for about a year. I spoke to to them about my bulimia and they arranged additional support. I didn't rate the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy at all - it did nothing for me.

[rootypig]

There is a huge range of talking therapies - CBT is not typical. Psychotherapy is different. That may not be for you either, I don't pretend to know. What I do know, for certain, is that you need support. What I do know, for certain, is that you must talk. You say that noone can understand you, but I wonder if you did seek out other people with ED, whether you might find some understanding - hence my urging.

Does your family know that your eating is disordered?

I'm sorry for the pain that you've had in your life. Grief, loss, and depression are all total bastards.

[PleaseGetWell]

Thank you.
My adorable Step-Mum knows. She's nearly 80 and I don't want to burden her any more than I already have done. She doesn't know quite how much of a grip it has. She doesn't know how dark my thoughts are with food. It would make her worry for me and she has suffered enough lately.
My housemates found out in Uni - I won't say how they found it - it wasn't pleasant for any of them. I have purposefully lost contact with them all with the shame of it. I don't do FB either such is the shame...

Thank you again, rootypig. I will try to consider your words.

[rootypig]

Ah OP, I've haven't done much. I'm so sad to think of you living with all this shame - it's such a corrosive emotion. Your use of the word made me think of Brene Brown - have you come across her? I haven't read her books (I know you said no books! ) but I know people who have found them very helpful. She's a psychologist who studied shame. There are several videos online, she's done some TED talks and an Oprah interview:

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en
www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Dr-Brene-Brown-Shame-Is-Lethal-Video

In case you don't wish to watch - she says shame grows with secrecy, silence and judgement, and that when you carry it around, it shapes all your thoughts and all your choices. She says that shame depends on the belief that you are alone. And the way to heal shame is through empathy. (Actually, I think I need to read her book myself!)

I don't think that this is some sort of magic bullet, but I think that learning these ideas (and it will take a while) will be central to your recovery.

I'm amazed that your partner doesn't know (are you sure?) and I think you need to tell him. How do you feel about that prospect?

[PleaseGetWell]

My DH has no clue. I'm pretty sure. He is a product of his work environment and I rarely see him. I am such an expert at hiding hiding hiding.

Even tonight, I am trawling the Internet for appetite suppressants.

[rootypig]

Sorry, I meant to post this TED talk from Brene Brown
www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

I'm rewatching. She's very warm, and funny too.

How do you feel about talking to your DH? you don't say. Presumably you don't want to, but how do you feel when you imagine doing it? Can you imagine how you'd feel after talking to him? How would that be?

[PleaseGetWell]

I suspect he won't be too interested.
I suspect he'll tell me to get a grip (or words to that effect).

[rootypig]

That isn't how someone who loves you should respond

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Around the hese parts you can self refer to the local NHS eating disorder unit by just phoning up. No need to go to the GP. No need to have pills you don't want either.

Your GP sounds like our old one, not good enough! See how your doctor's practice is rated by looking it up here. I found us a better one very nearby and transferred the whole family (just had to be in their catchment, and they had space for us). Much better.

[HexBramble]

How are things now, OP?

[Happyyellowcar]

Hey OP - have you considered hypnotherapy? It can be very effective if you are really ready to give up this way of life.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

How are you now, PleaseGetWell?

Dancingqueen17 so sorry to read of tour struggles too, how are you doing now?

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Yes, I can relate to normality being appealing! Bring on normality! : o)