My child is a secret eater

[Joysmum]

Does anyone have experience of children who secretly binge?

I'm a binge eater but mine was as the result of a rape when I was in my teens and I'm on the list to receive counselling.

My daughter is now 12 and ever since she was a baby I knew something wasn't right. She overrate as a baby and I questioned the health visitors who advised to feed until she was satisfied. I have asked doctors, desperate for help but not succeeding. I got the usual, educate her about nutrition and keep her active. This hasn't helped solve the problem of her using food though and once I wasnt 100% in control of her food and her days the weight went on as she could indulge.

I've found her evidence over the years and last week came to a head because I found recent evidence of a lot of binge eating. We talked, she knows I've had problems (doesn't know about the rape) and knows that it's causing her to lie and steal to continue. I told her I'm not angry or judging because I know how she feels. I just want to be able to help her realise when she does it, what she goes for and what prompts her to do it. I also said I was worried because she'd get better at hiding it now I knew but I wanted to help.

Yesterday, I discovered she'd bought a huge bar of chocolate on the way home from school. When I got home I asked her what she was doing in the shop and she said she was getting a drink (I didn't ask where the money came from). When asked if she bought anything else she lied and said no

I've spoken to pastoral care at her school and have changed doctors so we can get an appointment for her.

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I hope the new doctor is better than the previous one.

Does anyone else have any experience of children with this problem?

[TheGirlInTheGlass]

My teen started sneaking food when he was 11-12, kept asking me for healthy things but then binging on unhealthy snacks when I thought I didn't notice- walked in a few times to hearing the cupboard slam shut, and him with his mouth stuffed or about to cram something in.
I was worried that trying to restrict volume or content of intake would make it worse, so I concentrated on practicalities- for example:

• Finding wrappers in his room, I asked him to please put rubbish in the kitchen bin, because I didn't want him to find mice or beetles in his bed.
  
• When I caught him about to cram something in, I'd ask him to stop, get a plate, sit down and enjoy it properly.
  
• When I caught him apparently sneaking into the kitchen, I would go in to get a drink, and ask whilst I was there if he was hungry, and would he like a hand getting something to eat?
  
• I asked him not to take lots of cash to school, incase of theft and to save his money for something he really wants. I wondered if maybe he'd be better to just take 50p for a drink or something, and offered it out of my own purse.
  

In each case I made the issue his behaviour, not the food (to his face, anyway, was monitoring it really), and the only time I mentioned food was to offer him an element of unhealthy foods with his insistently healthy ones. E.g. If he was having sandwich, yoghurt, fruit, I'd also pop a biscuit or half a packet of crisps with it on occasion, just to show that those foods weren't taboo. Told him that as long as he exercised well, it would balance out, then dropped it.

My ex and wife were massively on health kick and restricting themselves at home, so I gently pointed out that it might be impacting on him, and possibly their daughter - they were a little offended at first, but then realised kids absorb way more than we think. What other houses does your daughter visit? What do other parents/teachers/dinner ladies say in her presence? Just a thought. Sometimes we put our own issues on them without realising, and we have to make ourselves realise and not influence them - I have friends that say they try not to put those issues on their kids, but sometimes it's too hard and they lose patience and it spills out, but as a parent it's never acceptable to confide your issues in your children, we don't get to be that selfish so that's what our friends/family/therapists/doctors are for, end of.

It took a couple of years before he stopped hiding and binging on things, but he has since told me that when he realised it was causing severe chest pains and heartburn, diarrhoea from the fatty food binges, and I was letting him eat the food anyway, it made more sense to spread it out that cram it in at once.

The reason was that he was trying hard to be healthy, but going about it the wrong way by cutting what he thought were high-calorie foods and then craving them afterwards.

Good luck, and I hope you get to the bottom of why she is doing it, and can help her resolve that.

[TheGirlInTheGlass]

PS. Find out pronto where her money is coming from. If she wants something, maybe tell her she can choose items when you do the weekly shop?
I know it seems easier for me having gotten through it, and now knowing his reasons, but I feel your pain. I've done all the blaming myself, wondering what was wrong- it didn't help at all that I went into a despairing pity-pit (not saying you are, just that I did) at first. So don't fall into that trap like I did, as soon as I stopped that and got practical, things were on use up.
I hope that it's nothing serious medically, and that you'll both be ok.

[TheGirlInTheGlass]

Sorry for the essay!

[WhatTheEel]

What could it be, medically speaking? I have the same exact problem with my 13 year old. Exactly... Since he was baby. He was an extremely overweight baby, slimmed down to a totally normal toddler and child until 7/8 and then slowly the weight came on. But between11-13 he has packed on the pounds... It's such a problem. We had it out just now because I went to have one of mother's day chocs and found them all nearly gone. I am shocked that he could eat this, plus a full dinner and ice cream. I am tearing my hair out.