Is this a weird Xmas situation?

(35 Posts)
Discomama Wed 18-Dec-13 21:49:05

DH and I separated since April both have new partners...I have kids over Xmas but he wants to come round and watch DCs open presents at my house for an hour on Xmas morning from me and DP....DP not happy about this, but I don't mind, happy for DH and his GF to come DH and I both want amicable friendly terms and to keep DCs as our priority but is this a step too far? I've got them lots of little presents and DH has got them one big one which needs to be set up so they can't play with it straight away so wants to see them enjoying my presents...DP thinks he wants to steal our glory....DP had VERY bitter divorce 15 years ago....maybe I should post in relationships...?

DP hasn't got any glory.

Tell him to stop being such a knob.

Or, let them stay with dad at Christmas.

Marne Wed 18-Dec-13 21:52:07

We have always had dh's children over on Boxing Day, their mum gives them her gifts on Christmas Day and then we give them ours on Boxing Day, it has always worked well.

I can understand why he would want to see them open the gifts from him but why can't that be done separately? Maybe he could just pop over in the afternoon or he could have them on Boxing Day?

Discomama Wed 18-Dec-13 22:01:00

This arrangement was tentatively made ages ago before either of us had new DPs my suggestion recently was that they open their presents with me then I drop the kids round to him for an hour or so while DP and I walk the dog then he drops them back...we live a mile apart, I think that's reasonable. Trouble is DH wants us all to be friends and cosy, DP can't forgive him for some things he said to me a while back

DH and I both want amicable friendly terms

So it's not just your ex, is it?

Seriously, if your DP has a problem with this can kids stay with dad and you can pop round to them?

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 18-Dec-13 22:08:17

I think your dp sounds v insecure and the relationship is pretty new surely.

I think you and ex sound v reasonable.

Discomama Wed 18-Dec-13 22:10:50

I'm just trying really hard to please everybody and someone will doubtless end up cross with me whatever I do, it's just deciding who to piss off most hmm DH who is trying to be nice and accommodating while still making veiled threats, or DP who actually can be a bit controlling (or tries to be, not usually very successful wink)

BillyBanter Wed 18-Dec-13 22:11:53

Will the kids enjoy it?

I think you and ex are reasonable and DP is a bit unreasonable unless your ex makes a point of winding him up, although it's a bit understandable that he's not overjoyed. It won't kill him to be in the same room with your ex for an hour or two.

Discomama Wed 18-Dec-13 22:12:25

Might just spend Christmas alone!wine

BigChocolateOrange Wed 18-Dec-13 22:13:19

What would make the DC's happy? I think the answer to that is the answer to your problem.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 18-Dec-13 22:13:28

Tbh, I'd make it just you and the kids then.

Too soon to forgive dh, far too soon for a boyfriend to try controlling - blow that!

DP who actually can be a bit controlling

And there it is. I'm not surprised. Sounds like he could potentially be successful if you allow him to decide your dc can't see their own father on Christmas morning. And all after only 18 months??

I'll ask again: can they have Christmas with dad and you can pop around there?

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 18-Dec-13 22:19:53

What about him having them for a few hours in the afternoon and opening his present when they are there then either stopping over or coming back that night?

Discomama Wed 18-Dec-13 22:21:21

They have Christmas with me this year as I will more than likely be away (with work) next year

Mary2010xx Wed 18-Dec-13 22:24:00

This Johnny come lately new papers who has only been on the scene a few months and may well be gone soon needs to shut up and let you and the children decide what is best. Perhaps he could go out for a walk for an hour whilst the present opening is going on. They are not his chidlren. He should interfere.

9 months since the split and you have moved a new partner in to live with you and your children, and he already gets to do decide how you do Christmas with your kids?

Kerrist.

Beamur Wed 18-Dec-13 22:27:31

Given it's your first Xmas post split I can see why this seems a good idea. Personally, I'm with your new DP on this though, you and your ex are no longer a family and it is irksome for many new partners (I'd include myself here) to see the old family still playing at 'happy families'...
My DP and his ex are on good terms and we do sometimes all go out together - e.g. kids birthdays and we've also been invited to house warmings and such like. But we split Christmas and the kids spend part with us and part with Mum. It's all very amicable, Mum is like an 'auntie' to our DD & buys her presents and so on, but we all respect certain boundaries. BUT that is what works for us, what works for you may be different.

Discomama Wed 18-Dec-13 22:49:40

DP and I don't live together, we live 2 hours apart, I suggested to DH this evening that maybe it was all a bit soon to be getting cosy and friendly, I can see both their points of view, like I say, just trying to keep the peace at a difficult time, kids are happy with either situation

Discomama Wed 18-Dec-13 22:51:22

Thanks for all your replies, interesting...! Thanks for your story Beamur x

Beamur Wed 18-Dec-13 22:57:14

I also have the benefit of 10 years of hindsight. My DSD found her parents split hard to come to terms with, she was only 7 at the time and because they didn't divorce for a few years, I think she thought they would reconcile. So, perpetuating 'family' outings etc for her really didn't help. She was (and is) a sweet girl, but obviously was confused by what was happening - she seemed much more settled with life once they divorced

If your dp does not live with you, why does he get a say in how you do Christmas morning?

And why is your exs new girlfriend also there?

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 19-Dec-13 10:21:14

Ok, so if he lives 2 hours away, then they should have their presents at his house when he has them next.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 19-Dec-13 10:22:05

Sorry - misread - ignore that...but the same goes, your kids should open your EXes presents when they are with him, not at yours.

mamayaya Thu 19-Dec-13 23:40:10

But you only separated from your dh in April? So DP is very new really and is already controlling? This is the first Christmas for your kids after you and their dad has split up, seems to me it would be best to decide as a family - you, them and their dad? Nothing to do with your new dp really. In my opinion!

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Thu 19-Dec-13 23:48:33

Why are you allowing somone who has been in your children's lives less than a year dictate when their dad sees them on xmas day?

you said he is controlling - why isn't this a red flag to you? Quite frankly its none of his business. He is using your children to control you - id be seriously considering whether he is right for you

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Thu 19-Dec-13 23:50:47

No, its not too soon for your DH to bet getting cosy and friendly with HIS children, it is too soon for your DP to be getting too cosy with his children - he needs to wait until after the children have opened thier presents before he turns up. He is at the bottom of the list of priorities here.

Casmama Fri 20-Dec-13 00:01:56

This screams rebound to me.
Agree with others that it is very early for your "DP" to have a say. If he is controlling now when he is really only a boyfriend how bad would he be if you moved in together and he was actually your partner?

Seems like you might benefit from some time on your own to give your self esteem a bit of time to recover. This should be your decision not your boyfriend's or your ex's.

AnnaFender Fri 20-Dec-13 00:05:05

I really don't mean to sound overly critical here, but how old are these new relationships? I have been separated from my H for just over a year, and in a new relationship since May, he hasn't even met my DC yet! Ex DH and I are on pretty good terms, and he is actually staying over Christmas Eve to see kids Christmas morning. New guy is fine with this. I think your children's father takes precedence over what must be a very new relationship. Surprised you are referring to him as your 'partner' after only a couple of months!

Selks Fri 20-Dec-13 00:06:47

There is no reason why you shouldn't be amicable with your ex and parent together sometimes should you both see fit, and that includes shared time on Christmas Day or any other time.
If your DP has an issue with that then it is his issue.
It is concerning that already nine months into the relationship he is being controlling though OP....really concerning. That kind of behaviour only gets worse. Do not tolerate it....bollocks to 'keeping the peace'. That is how he will gain control and his behaviour escalate, if you just want to ' keep the peace' with him, that means giving in.

If your new DP is controlling, the best Xmas present you could give your DC would be to bin him and move on. It's fine to be single, you know.
And when you have an Xp who is your co-parent, any new partners are basically bottom of the food chain anyway - DC come first.

lilyaldrin Fri 20-Dec-13 00:12:03

I don't think your controlling new boyfriend should get a say in how your children spend Christmas.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 20-Dec-13 00:18:03

I'd be telling Mr Controlling to stay 2 hours away - permanently.

You have rushed into a new relationship post separation (as many of us do/did, no judgement there from me, would be seriously hypocritical - the only thing in my favour was that I didn't have children). Really, they can be the worst relationships out there. Open your eyes - he's trying to control you already, why are you bothering with him?

You are worth more than that you know.

singaporefling Fri 20-Dec-13 00:23:01

My ex/wife & baby always join me/dh dc's at major/family events - but our divorce was amicable/dc's come first - as a result they're totally at ease with our extended family. And my dh would never even think of excluding them anyway

My son and I will be spending Xmas day at his father's parents house, even though DS dad and I are not a couple. If I were to start seeing another man regularly, he would be very much in the background and certainly wouldn't have any say in how I spend Xmas.

absentmindeddooooodles Fri 20-Dec-13 11:42:31

Ds dad ans I have been split up about a year and a half. I now live with dp.

Ds dad is getting here at 7am christmas morning to come and open presents with us. This will make ds really happy.

We are not all cosy etc but have a good friendly relationship for the sake of our ds.

I dont think theres anything wrong with you wanting to do that. We try to have a little time just ds and his parents now and again. Depends how you want to play it

My dp is good with it fortunatley. Ds dad is v friendly and lovely ( and a bit of a tit sometimes) so it works for now.

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