WHY WOULD DIVORCED WOMEN KEEP SURNAME?

(161 Posts)
Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:02:48

I am really curious about this. I am married and have 2 children and I honestly think I would revert back to my maiden name if I was to divorce my partner.

When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts. Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!!

Thoughts?

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 10:08:08

Why wouldn't you believe that someone wants the same name as their DCs?! I think its really odd when a couple aren't married and a woman gives the DCs their dad's surname. To me its a sign that we're all part of the same family.

Luckily I have a D-B surname, so when my divorce goes through I will revert to my name, I presume stbxh will do the same and we will both still share a name with the DCs without them having to change theirs, but I would feel a bit sad if they had his name and not mine.

FreckledLeopard Wed 05-Jun-13 10:09:15

I'm keeping my surname on the basis that firstly it would be a massive hassle to change it back, secondly my career is associated with my married name and thirdly, I prefer the name to my maiden name. I may as well take something good from the marriage!

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 10:11:46

and your 'kick in the face' comment suggests that you can see the emotional connection of a name to the rest of your family. Perhaps the ultimate kick in the face for a man who 'doesn't love you any more' is to keep 'his' name, along with 'his' house and a substantial chunk of 'his income' because they are things that actually belong to you all!

HabbaDabba Wed 05-Jun-13 10:14:38

Not all divorces are so acrimonious such that the ex wife wants to remove all traces of her ex from her life.

My friend married at 17 and at 27 realised that they had grown in different directions. Everyone knew her by her married name plus she didn't think that it was worth the hassle of reprinting business cards, redoing credit cards, passport etc.

It's my name! Although I have no plans to divorce I can't see me changing it, although who can tell what the future holds. Like freckled, I don't see why I should have to CHANGE MY NAME if it would be a hassle and mean no-one in my professional field would recognise my work as mine.

reelingintheyears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:16:45

So they still have the same surname as their DC?

My Mum did that,in later years when i realised, i told her i'd have happily switched to her unmarried name.

RhondaJean Brazil Wed 05-Jun-13 10:18:26

My mil kept it to have the same name as dh. My dh that is not her ex.

She never saw or had anything to do with her ex or his family again.

reelingintheyears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:18:59

I have a different surname to my DC,it doesn't bother me in the slightest,school sometimes got it wrong (my name) but that was no big deal.

MrsPresley Wed 05-Jun-13 10:22:41

Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore?

What about couples who divorce but still love each other.

This is my ex and myself, we divorced after our son died, we still loved each other but it just wasn't enough. My ex couldn't get over the guilt he felt and still can't 28 years later sad

We may no longer be "in love" as in a passionate love, we have both moved on but there is still a love there that will never go.

I probably haven't explained that very well, but I really don't know how to put it any other way.

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:32:16

ok if you still love each other and there are no hard feelings then I totally understand.

But as for DoingitforMyself - I would never want to take someones 'house' or their 'income'. Sorry but I'd rather just carve it all up fairly and move on. If that means selling the family home then so be it. I know this is not possible for everyone but I can't stand it when I hear women bang on about taking a mans money.

The most powerful thing a woman can do (in my opinion) is be independent and live off their ex as least as possible!

CloudsAndTrees Wed 05-Jun-13 10:44:24

I think it's disgusting when women bang on about taking a mans money too. Divorce agreements should reflect what each person had before they entered the marriage, or what they contributed to the marriage, including child care.

But when someone changes their name after marriage it becomes their own name, and they can then do what they want with it. I don't consider my husbands surname to just be his any more, it is as much mine as it is his now too, so I wouldn't feel the need to lose it to disconnect myself to him if we were to divorce. I also hated doing all the associated paperwork to change my name in the first place, if I was going through a divorce I wouldn't feel the need to add any extra hassle to myself just for the sake of it.

It's a choice that women have.

I don't like hearing second wives complain that their husbands ex has kept his name, which I have heard both in RL and on here quite a few times. Those women need to get over themselves and accept that they were not and will never be the first or only Mrs Whatever.

Branleuse Wed 05-Jun-13 10:50:52

i dont know. I think its a bit weird. My mums kept her exes name. Shes been married 3 times, and each time kept the name until she remarried, but her and her partner of 15 years have no plans to ever marry, so i think its weird she still has her exes name, and have asked her to use her maiden name, but she says she cant be bothered.

I guess its just the individuals choice, but i still think its weird

By the time my Mum and Dad divorced she'd had her married name far longer than she'd used her maiden name. It was comfortable and she couldn't be bothered to change it. It had bugger all to do with my Dad or his family, it was her name too.

MirandaWest Wed 05-Jun-13 10:53:15

I'm keeping the surname I've had for nearly 14 years now as I prefer it to my maiden name. And it's my name so I can do what I want with it. I do like having the same surname as my children - I don't see what business it is of anyone else that I don't want to change my surname.

If I were to change it I'd probably want something completely different anyway. Not sure what id do if I were to remarry as it would feel odd to keep this surname but would feel odd to get a different one again. Might feel differently if XH and his gf get married of course..

My mum got married at 21 and took my dad's surname. She got divorced at 63 and kept the name. It's been hers for 42 years so that's why she's keeping it. I'm avoiding having to even think about this by keeping my surname when I marry.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 11:08:16

I was saying 'his' house and 'his' money in a sarcastic way, as in the things you BOTH contribute during the marriage belong to you BOTH when the marriage ends, so you still share equity in the house, you still get maintenance from his income (lucky ou if you can mange without any financial input from your ex having been a SAHM) then why should you not continue to share the name? These things are all products of a marriage, not things which automatically 'belong' to one person or another.

VenusUprising Wed 05-Jun-13 11:11:04

Well it's either your dad's name or your husband's as your "Sir Name" isn't it?
What's the difference? Still defined by a man in the UK...
So, why not keep them all, or choose the one that suits you best?

Fwiw, I have both parents names myself, have my dhs name too, and have double barrelled names for our dcs.

They can choose which name to be known by, or make one up like Moon Unit, or Lady Gaga.

I knew a woman who changed her names completely and gave her children really odd names not related to hers or her DHs. Kind of cool really, but no doubt a bit confusing for those outside the family.....

mypussyiscalledCaramel Wed 05-Jun-13 11:13:19

Because if I didn't, then there would be 3 different surnames in the house. I went back to my maiden name first time round. This time I can't be arsed, plus there is a lot of paperwork.

WidowWadman Wed 05-Jun-13 11:14:20

I've got a friend who took his wife's name when they married, kept it after they divorced, and passed it on to his new wife when he married her.

It's nobody's business what name you choose to use and why.

if you took your husband's name on marriage, it becomes your name.
it belongs to you whether you're married, divorced or widowed.

to change your name again when you don't need to is weird.
everyone knows you in that name now.

also, children are a consideration. i have friends whose children have the married name, and when divorced/remarried, they kept that name to provide continuity with the children. the next children born have been doublebarrelled.

"Well it's either your dad's name or your husband's as your "Sir Name" isn't it?"

not Sir name - Surname, as in the latin meaning after.

EverybodysStressyEyed Wed 05-Jun-13 11:18:07

Mil kept her surname because she'd had it most of her adult life and to change back to her maiden name seemed odd as she hadn't been that for 20 years!

I'd find it odd to revert now. I took ownership of the name when I married. I don't think you have to have a blood link to keep it.

Also, professionally it would be very awkward to change names again.

teaandthorazine Wed 05-Jun-13 11:19:16

Er, it's not his name, it's mine!

Actually, you could say I kept it to spite him grin. When we divorced he actually wanted me to change it back, banging on and on about the 'history' of his 'family name' and how I no longer deserved it (it's a very common name btw' nice enough but not special!) I just thought 'twat' and kept it. Cba to change and anyway, I like having the same name as my ds.

It doesn't 'mean' anything.

from wikipedia:
"The concept of a 'surname' is a relatively recent historical development, evolving from a medieval naming practice called a 'byname'. Based on an individual's occupation or area of residence, a byname would be used in situations where multiple people had the same name."

TallyGrenshall Wed 05-Jun-13 11:23:01

My DSis kept her married name when she split from her first husband 24ish years ago (probably because it's far easier to pronounce/spell than the family name) She's getting married again next month and she is still keeping her first husbands name.

She sees it as HER name, she's had that name longer than our family surname, it has no connection to her first husband at all anymore, it's hers

starsandunicorns Wed 05-Jun-13 11:23:10

My sister divorced and kept her married name because she liked better than her maiden name i changed mine back beacause it would remind me of him both marriages and divorves were crap

I am offended by your presumption that you are doing it out of spite, "Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore?". My husband still loved me dearly, but I needed to move on.
We had no children yet I kept my married name
a. because I had my married name so long it was who I was, why should I change it ?
b. it is a right pain in the arse to revert back.
c. I think it quite petty when you change back to maiden name (unless of course your ex was an arse, then I can fully understand it) I had a very happy 14 year relationship with my ex, we just drifted apart and wanted different things.

MrsOakenshield Wed 05-Jun-13 11:28:34

I didn't have DCs but to be honest I couldn't be bothered with the hassle, and it wasn't an acrimonious divorce, plus in a way I felt it was drawing attention to it from people I didn't know well (so name changing at work, for example) and also it felt like I was pretending that it never happened (the marriage was my mistake, and mine alone). Also, having been bothered about 'losing my identity' when I changed it after getting married, and discovering my identity had nothing to do with my name, I wasn't that fussed. I now have DH's name, but that's mainly cos of DD, I wanted us all to have the same name (and having my exh's name when married to my 2nd H did seem a bit weird!).

"When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts."

Yes, but your hypothetical woman didn't do that, did she, in spite of all those options? She decided that she wanted to have the same name as her children, and deliberately chose to change her name after marriage to reflect that. She doesn't stop wanting to have the same name as her children just because she's divorced, whether it's 2013 or not.

I would keep my surname on divorce, because I kept it on marriage.

CloudsAndTrees, I think "what they contributed to the marriage" should include lost potential, though. If you have a couple in their mid-20s going into a marriage with roughly equal earning potential and then over the course of the marriage one spouse has his or her earning potential diminished as a result of decisions jointly taken for the good of the family unit (e.g. moving area to follow the other spouse around to further that spouse's career, SAH for a while with lost years of career experience and possibly difficult to get back into skilled work, etc.) then that imbalance ought to be recognised in the divorce settlement and the cost of it shared between the parties rather than just left where it falls.

DuelingFanjo Wed 05-Jun-13 11:53:55

"When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts."

Well, my mum still has her married name, grown up kids, is divorced from my dad and my dad is dead yet she still keeps the married name. Why? Because she had it for 20+ years and it's a complete pain and faff to go about changing something everyone is used to.

SgtTJCalhoun Wed 05-Jun-13 11:57:00

Well quite simply I do want to have the same name as my children. They were born to me having that name and I see no reason why I should have to change back. As their mother that's who I am.

However I do use my maiden name for email, FB etc.

Startail Wed 05-Jun-13 11:59:31

Because her lifes work is in that name, thats why my favourite university lecture kept hers.

It's why other academics keep their maiden names for work. Just depends what name they used on their first paper. Science citations index can't cope with people changing their names.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 05-Jun-13 12:03:54

Tolliver, I agree with you up to a point. But it's a difficult one, because unless both parents are 100 behind every decision then it can become unfair.

It would be wrong for a man to force a woman back to work if she was desperately unhappy with the idea and wanted to be a SAHM (presuming they can afford it).

But it would be equally wrong for a woman to insist she stays at home and gives up work despite her DH being unhappy about being the sole earner, and to then use her lack of career progression and earning potential as a reason to take more of her ex husbands income.

We can't have it both ways.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Wed 05-Jun-13 12:05:00

It's not my husband's name. When we married, I chose to change my name to match his, because I wanted us and our future children to share a name (and was too lazy to faff about with complicated options). Just because he had it from birth and I had it from marriage doesn't mean it is my name any less than his. I'm not walking around with a 'borrowed' name.

If we divorced, I wouldn't change my name. Nor would I change my name if I married again. It is being the same as my children that matters to me.

Amanda I think that articulates it well - it's not a "borrowed" name.

olgaga Wed 05-Jun-13 12:10:54

I don't see the problem in wanting to keep the same name as your children. If it's your family name, you're still part of your own family whether you're divorced or not!

It also depends how old you are, and how much of a hassle it is to change your name.

MatersMate Wed 05-Jun-13 12:14:25

I'm really glad my Mum kept her married name after her and my Dad divorced. i would have been sad to see her name as her maiden name.

I've got a different surname to my kids, and that makes me sad too, keep thinking of changing it on line! << too tight to get married >>>

I divorced exH nearly 18mths ago and haven't changed my name. The reasons being that I can't be bothered, my name is the same as my 3 DDs and reverting back to my maiden name would feel like I was going backwards so what name would I use? I think it would look stranger to give myself a completely different name.

Xenia Wed 05-Jun-13 12:19:37

It is the surname of our 5 children. I wrote 30 books in that name. I would lose money/reputatuon if I reverted to a maiden name I have not used for work ever in nearly 30years. Not surprisingly I would not change it.

Well, yes. But that's rarely what happens ("she stays at home and gives up work despite her DH being unhappy about being the sole earner"). And in a lot of cases I know of where the husband might see it that way it's because he's fundamentally clueless about the cost and availability of flexible childcare. How many of them are sufficiently "unhappy about being the sole earner" that they'd happily see the total family income drop significantly in order to see their spouse bring in a second income even though more than that income was being paid out in childcare? And then if the marriage did break down how many of them would actually go for 50-50 shared residence or otherwise pick up 50% of the childcare bill? Yes, there are some. But overall IMO and IME most go for maximising family income and their "unhappiness" at being the sole earner only becomes concrete when it starts costing them money (i.e. on divorce) rather than over the many preceding years when it was saving them money (by avoiding a disproportionate childcare bill).

babyboomersrock Wed 05-Jun-13 12:27:09

I kept my married name for as long as my children were at home - much more convenient for us all and less of a slap in the face for them. I didn't like the idea that their name had suddenly become one I couldn't bear to hear.

In any case, as other posters have pointed out, I don't have a name of my own to use. In the UK, you're either your father's possession or your husband's.

smoothieooo Wed 05-Jun-13 12:29:54

I'm keeping my married name when STBEx and I divorce - mainly because it is also the surname of the DC. Also, I don't want to go back to being 'Smith' grin

skyeskyeskye Wed 05-Jun-13 12:36:19

I have chosen to go back to my maiden name because my XH walked out on me with no warning and turned my life upside down. We are not friends, the only connection now is our 5yo DD. I don't see him, I don't speak to him and I don't want to be reminded of him every time that I have to sign my name.

I do not want anything to do with him and I certainly don't want his name. I only took that name when I married him 7 years prior to the divorce. If I am not married to him, then I do not want his name. It was important to me to become Mrs Skye XH when I married, but it is just as important to me now to become Ms Skye oldname now that I am divorced.

My mum thinks I should have kept married name for DD's sake, but there are so many unmarried parents nowadays, that it is not unusual for DC to have different name to their parents. and if I married again, I would have a different name to her then anyway.

I understand why people keep it for their DC sake though, or for professional reasons. My business name included my married surname, so I have had to change everything, but this time I have used a business title that does not include my surname.

Satnightdropout Wed 05-Jun-13 12:38:31

Partners ex has kept his surname. But, they were married so long that she had had her married name longer than her maiden name. She also wanted to keep the same surname as the kids they share. And has even given her other 3 kids since then partners surname.

It does bother me at times, especially when our son goes to the same playgroup as his exes kid and is sometimes assumed to be siblings. But, then I've got more important things worry about, and I know that the ex would love to know it bothers me.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Wed 05-Jun-13 12:42:19

Why do people always say that a woman has 'her father's name' as her maiden name, but never complain that a man has his father's name? By that reckoning, none of us have our own names, ever.

JimmyCorkhill Wed 05-Jun-13 12:50:47

Why wouldn't you believe that someone wants the same name as their DCs?! I think its really odd when a couple aren't married and a woman gives the DCs their dad's surname. To me its a sign that we're all part of the same family.

This confuses me confused. I'm not married and my DC have their dad's surname. I don't mind. They would either have my surname or his so surely one of us would miss out it sounds stupid double-barrelled. They are equally our children so my surname is no more important than his.

HMSVictoria Wed 05-Jun-13 12:57:34

Where I live, after divorce a woman loses the right to use her ex-husband's name and has to revert to her maiden name.

But then a woman's married name is only considered to be a usual name, not her real name. You never lose your maiden name here administratively speaking, whether or not you use it in everyday life.

Which is fine with me as I'm using my maiden name more and more since my separation. Ironically, when in the UK still I have to be Mrs Marriedname because that's what my British passport says (which costs £££ to change so I'll do it when it expires)

I don't mind the DC having a different name. I'd rather shake off the legacy of my cheating ex and become myself again.

Tuckshop Wed 05-Jun-13 13:11:05

I'm undecided but I think I'm going to keep the same name. You're way off though Noddy with thinking it's a way of staying connected to my ex, or that because I'm getting divorced it's because he "clearly doesn't love me any more". I was the one who left, he's the one who is clinging on and I can't wait to be divorced. There are all sorts of reasons why people divorce and why they choose the name they do. Mostly at the moment I can't see the point of changing it, and I don't associate it with him or being married to him - it's just who I am I suppose. Maybe that's my decision made.

wannaBe Wed 05-Jun-13 13:32:06

My dad's sister kept her first husband's name when they got divorced, and subsequently made her other husbands (of which there were several) change their names to that one. Now that IMO is weird.

As for changing after divorce, yes I want to keep the same name as my ds, plus it's more hastle than it's worth to change it back. Frankly I think that wondering and making assumptions about "wanting to stay connected to their ex", etc is far more weird than actually retaining the name.

MIL kept hers because then 'every time he has to write to me, he'll remember who he should be with.'

Which I suppose would be fine if FIL had cheated or something, but MIL was the one who refused treatment for her psychiatric issues and had emotional affairs. FIL was just the one who out his foot down and said 'enough.'

If I married (and then divorced) DP I'd keep his name because it's nicer than mine, which I'm really not keen on. It's hard to spell and very harsh, much rather DP's lovely soft Scottish one.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 14:41:04

Jimmy that's what I mean, your DC's have their dad's surname - why not yours? I'm not being accusing, just genuinely wondering, was there a discussion or any question about this, or was it just an automatic decision?

My DP's DCs were given his surname, presumably on the assumption that at some point he would marry their mum (they were engaged) and they would all have the same name. However, they didn't marry so now she has a different name to her DCs and if that were me, I would be a bit annoyed!

For me, knowing that I would go through the pregnancy, the breastfeeding & sleepless nights, be their main carer as toddlers, that I would be the one attending school meetings and the one filling in endless forms for tax credits etc with all their names on, the one applying for their passports and the one who basically does everything for them 90% of the time, I would want their name to reflect that.

Neither parent is 'better' or 'more deserving' than the other, but as the one who has literally done all the hard work, I would want their name to be mine and find it strange that other mums don't feel this way. Not judging, just saying.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 05-Jun-13 14:45:04

I use my "married" name (even though I'm divorced) for everything concerned with the children and I have my "married" name on my passport.

At work, I am known by my maiden name - but then I never changed that even for the 7 years I was married. All my bank accounts are in my maiden name & all bills, tax stuff etc is in my maiden name.

Works fine. smile

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 15:12:29

DoingItForMyself - whilst you was slaving away filling in those forms who was out earning the money?

"In any case, as other posters have pointed out, I don't have a name of my own to use. In the UK, you're either your father's possession or your husband's."

FFS that is not true! your name (regardless of its origin) is YOUR NAME
full bloody stop.

I'm married, kept my name, child has a different name to me.
she also has a different name to DH.

jellybeans Wed 05-Jun-13 15:45:31

I would keep it as would want to be same as my DC, including 2 who who stillborn, and all my academic certificates etc are in this name so would be alot of hassle to change. It's just a name really. Don't see the big deal.

jellybeans Wed 05-Jun-13 15:46:59

My DC had my maiden name until we married though and then we all changed to DHs. In a way I wish I had kept my maiden name on marriage but would have caused furore amongst DH family even though it isn't even his bio fathers name so really ours should be something else!

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 16:15:58

Noddy we both were. He was earning it as an employee, I was earning it by enabling him to work whenever, wherever, however he wanted/needed to without ever having to worry about childcare, housework, shopping, cooking, organising family activities etc.

When he was away from home for a month at a time he knew I was always here for the DCs. Oh and I was also running a business from home to help out financially, along with running a home single handedly for the best part of a year, but yes basically he has a 'proper' job so deserves to have his DC named after him hmm

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 16:22:01

Being a mother is no doubt a proper job but I always hear women like you complaining that they think they are the hard done by ones. I would take looking after and seeing my kids every day over an office job any day. Over the years some women convince themselves they did all the hard work and end up bitter and twisted.

SgtTJCalhoun Wed 05-Jun-13 16:40:31

I wish I hadn't contributed to this thread now because the OP is quite unpleasant and clearly has an agenda.

Cambam2010 Wed 05-Jun-13 16:41:45

On seperating from my husband I d-b'd my name as I wanted to be me again but also wanted to have the same name as my ds. Fortunately my ds has my maiden name as his middle name, so all that's really missing is a little -

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 16:47:19

I do not have an agenda at all thanks. All I am doing is pointing out a fair argument. As women we all need to take a rain check now and again. I think having kids is a blessing don't use it as a stick to beat your husbands with.

Anyway I am interested to hear the feedback people are giving regarding name changes...

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 05-Jun-13 16:47:21

I've often wondered this too. No way would I keep a man's Surname after divorce. It seems a destructive thing to do and suggests a hankering after a man they cannot have.

I changed my name once in my early thirties according to patriarchal custom, when I got married. But it became my adult name, and the name we gave to my 2 DCs, who I have a greater connection with than anyone else on this Earth.
Whatever happens between me and DH I think I'll be keeping my name as it is for the remainder of my days.
Plus once a woman's changed her name once she knows what a monumental PITA it is to do !
Odd as it might sound I don't especially associate the name with DH anymore, anymore than myself or the DCs.
Tis patriarchal though, obviously.
If I were to change it I've wondered about choosing the surname as far back as I can trace on the maternal line - And in any case am interested to find out more about my maternal lineage.

SgtTJCalhoun Wed 05-Jun-13 16:49:39

Well I found your post to doingit quite attacking and I despise the saying "bitter and twisted". Have you noticed that its mainly used to describe women?

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 16:53:08

Yes 'bitter and twisted' is an irritating saying BUT by talking about taking someone's house and money is also fairly irritating wouldn't you say? Anyway I apologise for any attacking it might have looked like I did.

SgtTJCalhoun Wed 05-Jun-13 16:54:23

Well I agree with doingit so make of that what you will.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 05-Jun-13 16:54:46

Does keeping your ex's name have to mean you are hankering after him? Could it not just be for convenience sake?

When you get divorced & you have DCs it is all fairly nightmarish, there is so much to worry about (like a roof over your head, custody, finances & so on & on & on) that the name seems relatively insignificant.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 16:58:01

I don't recall saying I was hard done by, just that I felt that my link to my children was a large part of my identity, hence feeling that given a choice, I would rather they had my name than that of the dad they have spent very little time with over the years. Anyway, I've said my piece and don't want this to become a SAHM bashing thread so will sod off now.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 17:01:02

And the part about the house has also been explained... It is no more 'his name' than it is 'his house' or 'his money'. They belong to the family. Wasn't very well put I admit, but I have already explained that it was meant in a sarcastic way. I do happen to live in the house he has helped to pay for, not because I am a grasping gold digger, but because I have the children the majority of the time and he does not.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 05-Jun-13 17:01:06

I can totally appreciate all of that, Post. We are all different. I would not want to be reminded of my failed relationship each time I gave my name. It would annoy me, I think! I find it odd that Cheryl Cole still has her ex hubby's name. I think she has a tat on the back of her neck reading 'Mrs Cole' too.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 17:01:08

And the part about the house has also been explained... It is no more 'his name' than it is 'his house' or 'his money'. They belong to the family. Wasn't very well put I admit, but I have already explained that it was meant in a sarcastic way. I do happen to live in the house he has helped to pay for, not because I am a grasping gold digger, but because I have the children the majority of the time and he does not.

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 17:03:45

The Cheryl cole thing is beyond weird! There really was no reason to keep that name he absolutely shamed her so publicly as well.

DoingItForMyself - completely understand where you are coming from now. Sorry to have got the wrong end of the stick.

Chubfuddler Wed 05-Jun-13 17:04:54

I qualified in my profession in my married name. I am known to colleagues, clients and peers in this name. And I really don't like my father so I don't want to revert to his surname.

I'm definitely not hankering over my STBXH, I left him, we are divorcing at my instigation.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 05-Jun-13 17:08:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuckshop Wed 05-Jun-13 17:08:55

I was about to post exactly that in support of you DoingIt - that the name is no more his than the money or the house.

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 17:18:32

I do understand this view Tuckshop (now its been explained better) but that name IS his no matter how you justify it, my point is - why keep it? A bit of paperwork is surely not a good enough excuse?

Also what has Cheryl Coles previous conviction got to do with her name? What now she is a Cole the slate has been wiped clean?!?

Tuckshop Wed 05-Jun-13 17:44:31

We cross-posted.

Ok, well it's his name but it's mine too and has been for many years. So why not keep it? He doesn't have ownership of the name, and it's not something we can divvy up like the finances.

JimmyCorkhill Wed 05-Jun-13 17:47:43

Doing Thanks for explaining your views smile. I suppose part of the reason my children have their dad's name is precisely because I did have the pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc. They are all experiences which my partner couldn't have although I would have swapped!! so having his surname linked them to him because they were blatantly linked to me IYSWIM? There's also the chance that we might get married in the future so it saves future hassle of name changing. I also think that it's obvious to everyone that we deal with regularly that I'm their mum because I'm always with them (SAHM) so the fact that my surname is different doesn't stand out because I'm just called 'Little Jimmy's mum' anyway. And if they had my surname it might not be clear to people that their dad is their biological dad although does this really matter? And finally, I'm not really that bothered about my surname! We did discuss this and it was my choice.

bigTillyMint Wed 05-Jun-13 17:48:31

DM kept her married name after she divorced my father. Maybe it was for convenience, but I tend to think she was ashamed to be divorced even in the 70's (she is very old-fashioned) confused

Chubfuddler Wed 05-Jun-13 20:32:37

Are you just going to ignore all the posts which explain why someone would keep their married name on divorce op?

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 20:37:25

Cheryl Cole is probably, like many of the posters, mainly because she has been known professionally as CC for longer than she was known as Tweedy, so all the press, all her solo 'music' and her reputation (minus the GBH!) has been built on her married name. Her rise to fame on X Factor was as Cheryl Cole, so everyone knows her as that (even down to that ill-fated tattoo).

If Elton John suddenly changed his name back to Reg whatsit he might find that his back catalogue suddenly looked a bit less impressive too.

FreakoidOrganisoid Wed 05-Jun-13 21:00:41

I have kept my married surname. It has no emotional meaning to me at all. I'm not trying to stay connected to xh or hankering after him. When I give my surname he doesnt even enter my mind.

I don't think of it as my xh's name, it's just a name. If forced to think of it in any kind if emotional way I'd say it's my dc's name. But really it has no associations attached to it at all, it's simply just a name.

I'm not reminded of my failed marriage every time I give my name hmm just as I'm sure most unmarried people don't bemoan their unmarried status every time they give theirs, and I'm certain married people don't give their name and think smugly of their married status each time they do.

I might still change it. My boyfriend wants me to. Its not important to me at all but he actually cares one way or the other about it so I might let him win this one wink.

It's a massive faff though when you consider everything that needs to be changed. Passport, driving licence, bank accounts, bills, lease, premium bonds, insurance, tax credits, work details, school details, doctors, dentists, opticians, dc's savings accounts and child trust funds, details on all the companies you use to shop online and a million other things

LtEveDallas Wed 05-Jun-13 21:20:24

I wouldn't change my name if DH and I divorced. I like my name, I like the way my signature looks, I like having the same name as DD and DSD, everything I do is in this name, and it's quite unusual whereas my maiden name is quite common.

It's 'MY' name just as much as it is DHs name - especially in light of the fact that it isn't DHs birth name, but the name of his (dead) stepfather.

I can't quite see the issue, or why a woman doing this would be considered to be still hankering after her ex. A name is just a name after all, it doesn't have any particular meaning.

'A rose by any other name...'

cjel Wed 05-Jun-13 21:25:09

I married at 21 and left dh at 53. I have my dhs name, my dcs and dgs have the same name me and dh have. it is our family name,we will always be family and the idea that they should have my name because I gave birth and did most if the caring is really weird to me!! My name is special to me because it is mine.

skyeskyeskye Wed 05-Jun-13 23:52:26

Maybe if I had been married longer I would have felt differently, but I was Skye X for 33 years and Skye Z for just 7 years. I only took his name because of marriage therefore if no longer married, I don't want it. It's not a question of being reminded of a failed marriage, it's being reminded of him full stop. I am no longer his wife, therefore I am no longer Skye Z.

But that is just my personal opinion and not an attack on anybody else who chooses to do differently.

HighInterestRat Thu 06-Jun-13 00:08:10

I wouldn't choose to get involved with someone who had an ex wife and a family but if I did and the ex wife was still using her married name I would find it a bit odd. I know my stepmother (rightly or wrongly) took it as meaning my mother still had feelings for my father and it diminished her in her eyes as someone unable to move on, which wasn't necessarily the case.

It's about as much hassle to change your name back as it was in the first place but everybody seemed keen enough to do that. hmm

fortyplus Thu 06-Jun-13 00:17:57

It's only a label - I'll keep my married name unless I remarry at some time in the future. As far as I'm concerned my surname doesn't define me - I'm quite secure in myself and don't feel the need to change my name from the same one as my children. In fact I kept my single name for quite a while after my marriage. I could just as easily be Smith or Jones - it's just more convenient to keep my married name. I can't understand why anyone would think this meant I'm still hankering for my husband - how ridiculous!

Monty27 Thu 06-Jun-13 00:25:31

I took my vows, I had to children and named them after my married name.

When we got divorced i changed the pronunciation grin

Exh hates that.

I did not want to have a different name from my dc's because they got their name from me. I probably wouldnt even want to change it until they change theirs. old fashioned

HighInterestRat It is actually more hassle to change back as you need to provide more documentation to change back than to change in the first place.

flipchart Thu 06-Jun-13 10:06:25

There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your name as your children's after you have divorced whether it is 2013 or not OP.

Why can't you accept it's horses for courses. People do what they are comfortable with.
I have been at married name a lot longer than my maiden name and guess what, I like it and have no intention of becoming a 'Wilson' again.

lottieandmia Thu 06-Jun-13 10:16:17

I'm divorced and kept my married name because it would be hassle to change it back and also I do want us all to have the same surname. I can honestly say that I'm not trying to hang onto my ex.

Weegiemum Argentina Thu 06-Jun-13 10:29:24

Divorce isn't on the agenda here, but I think I'd probably keep my current name (though bizarrely though I was happy to change it at 24 when I got married, I'd not do that now at 42).

I've been an X almost as long now as I was a Z. My children all use our family name. My maiden name is a fairly common name, but my married name is unique - we are literally the only family in the uk with this name (with dh's parents and bil+family and us there are 11 of us!). I quite like the rareness factor!

Mil and fil split up when dh was 20 and his db was 19. Mil has also retained her married name - she got married while a student and all her professional life had used that name. Also, she always hated her maiden name and was glad to be rid of it. Now she has the same name as her sons, daughters-in-law and 5 grandchildren, which I think she really loves.

When my parents split up (much earlier) my Dad asked my mum to change her name back. He was very hurt as she had been having an affair with his best friend for several years. She agreed, reverted to her maiden name then took my Dad's ex-friends name when they married.

My opinionated 13yo dd says she's never changing her name!

Chubfuddler Thu 06-Jun-13 10:56:26

It would actually be more hassle to change back than it was to change in the first place. When I got married in 2001 the Internet has we know it didn't exist. I didn't have multiple online accounts, I didn't have a credit card, I didn't have two children with all the multiplicity of records involving my details that they entail, I wasn't qualified in my profession etc etc. I had a driving licence and a bank account. They was it.

jenny99 Fri 07-Jun-13 18:07:29

I'm in two minds at the moment....I would like to have the same name as my DCs but when I am referred to as Mrs XXXX I feel like my mil....and as someone said further up, if stbx remarries, I will share the name with her....

cjel Fri 07-Jun-13 23:49:20

This thread s interesting. I was married 30 years from age 21 so have been mrs xxx for longer, I never considered changing but now wondering, trouble is all dcs and dgc have my married name and i like being associated with them.

Justfornowitwilldo Sat 08-Jun-13 00:07:31

If I got divorced I wouldn't change my name. Why would I? It took me a good couple of years to get used to it but it's now very much mine. I've had it for most of my adult life. It's who I am. If we split up it wouldn't change that. A divorce doesn't magically erase all that time and reset you to the person you were pre marriage. It would feel as unfamiliar and wrong as donning school uniform again!

Justfornowitwilldo Sat 08-Jun-13 00:11:16

If I could change anything it would be changing my name in the first place if that makes sense. I adore DH, but there was no need for me to change my name. It was just assumed by everyone, including me, that I would because that's what you do.

I already have the 'name of someone who clearly doesn't love (me.)' MIL!

FreakoidOrganisoid Sat 08-Jun-13 08:43:05

It would be a lot more hassle for me too. When I got married all I had to change was bank account and passport. And even then I waited until my passport was going to expire(about a year later) and did a name change instead of standard renewal.

OneHandFlapping Sat 08-Jun-13 08:52:21

I think it's strange, and tbh, slightly pathetic that women still change their name to their H's on marriage.

It's a complete loss of personal identity, and subhumation of the self of the woman into that of the man. What is more personal than your own name?

It looks particularly chattel-like if you have more than one marriage, and a string of surnames behind you.

""But I lurve him..." whine the name changers. Well if he loves you as much, let HIM change his name. Strangely that's something that very few men countenance.

You may have a point OneHand - but it's a long tradition so to call women "slightly pathetic" for carrying it on seems a little harsh to say the least.
What surname will the couple's children have is a crucial question. Though you can double barrel it for one generation you can hardly keep doing this or you'll have a name longer than royalty pretty soon !
Society could change over to following the matriarchal line I guess ? smile

ISeeNoReasonForBandage Sat 08-Jun-13 09:41:04

Moving on from what other posters have said, I think the one time I was very hmm was when a friends XW remarried, started up a business after her remarriage, but used her "old" (for want of a better word) married name. Now, IMHO she could have used just about any name she desired in her new business venture and I have to confess to thinking "what is that all about?"

Bonsoir Sat 08-Jun-13 09:46:38

This is something I do not understand. My DP's ex stubbornly uses his surname, hyphenated with her maiden name, even though they split up years ago and she has a new partner.

flipchart Sat 08-Jun-13 10:58:42

I think it is a completely none issue tbh.
I couldn't care less what people use as their second name or why, whether they are married, single or divorced.

cjel Sat 08-Jun-13 11:12:39

Interesting to hear that an ex is 'stubbornly' holding on to her name, if she feels like I do she will be giving no thought to her ex , just getting on with her life, it is now her name and you thinking badly of her for using it says more about your insecurity than her. Also the idea that i was somehow submitting to my husband by taking his name is absurd. It was nothing to do with power it was what i did the same as i wore a white dress for purity and my dh said vows to a god he doesn't believe in to 'submit' to me. it was all part of a lovely commitment we jointly made to each other. I find it odd to think that people still think i am submissive because of it. do they think i was bought from my father because he paid for the wedding?

Thurlow Sat 08-Jun-13 11:17:16

I think sometimes keeping the name can be a little bit odd. ExSIL kept her married name when she divorced. She was an only child and close to her parents and had a nice surname which went with her first name, so no apparent issues with her family name. She had a short and shitty marriage to my brother, no DC, that ended within two years. Yet she kept her married name. That always struck me a bit strange.

If you have changed to have the same surname as your DC then I think it makes complete sense.

SoupDragon Sat 08-Jun-13 11:21:07

I think it's strange, and tbh, slightly pathetic that women still change their name to their H's on marriage.

I think it's strange and slightly pathetic that other people make such a big deal of it.

Bonsoir Sat 08-Jun-13 11:41:07

I think it's stubborn - and it sort of indicates to the ROW that the marriage, even though it failed, was one of the woman's proudest achievements. It says "even though I am an old washed up failure, once upon a time I was attractive enough to nab a fabulous man" IYSWIM.

lottieandmia Sat 08-Jun-13 11:43:00

I think that's rubbish Bonsoir! A name is just a name.

lottieandmia Sat 08-Jun-13 11:44:43

A bit nasty to assume someone must be 'a washed up old failure' just because they want to keep their married name. I am certainly not washed up or a failure and I have a new relationship but my ex does not, yet I've still kept my ex's name.

FreakoidOrganisoid Sat 08-Jun-13 12:19:24

Damn bonsoir you've got me. My ancient 32 year old washed out self was once attractive enough to catch such a prize as my fabulous xh and I'm stubbornly clinging onto his surname to show that to the rest of the world.

Or, I've got used to using and being known by this name , don't give my ex a second thought most of the time and simply can't be bothered to change my name yet.

cjel Sat 08-Jun-13 13:38:45

Not washed up or failure either and not attempting to show ROW anythingconfused its my name , has been for 30 years and i am comfortable with it, I don't relate it to whether iam married or not. If i was single and my dad was a pig should i change that name or would i be showing the ROW that i supported my evil father? i don't follow that argument at all. its just my name doesn't signify anything. i don't think of ex every time i say it - its mine!!! wherever it came from!!

jenny99 Sat 08-Jun-13 13:57:30

Have been thinking about this a lot now. It was actually the first question my DC1 asked - will I change my name - I thought not but the more I think about it I will. As I said above, I don't want to have the same name as my mil or future wife of stbx. But I can understand both sides. It has been my name for almost half my life so it will be odd but I feel it will make more of a 'fresh start' for me. I have mentioned it to a couple of friends in RL and they thought it was really odd to change my name (they are both married and use husbands name).

I guess it is such an individual decision. And not always an easy one. I probably need to make a list of all the things I will need to change. When marrying, names were changed by using marriage certificate as proof. How do you change back a name legally/officially?

DonutForMyself Sat 08-Jun-13 14:24:55

I love the idea that my ex was such a prize I'm clinging onto his name to show the world how lucky I was to have him!

Noddyandbigears Sat 08-Jun-13 17:07:21

It really seems to come down to the individual doesn't it? Maybe when you get married later in life you dont feel so attached to your married name and therefore would be happier to revert back to your maiden name??

500internalerror Sat 08-Jun-13 17:09:58

Because my maiden name was hideous.

lilackaty Sat 08-Jun-13 17:16:21

I haven't read the thread but I have kept mine as it is easier to pronounce than my maiden name & I'm a teacher. Also, I would have lots of questions if I changed it now. And I do like having the same name as my kids - I know it doesn't really matter. Oh, and I'm not actually divorced.

flipchart Sat 08-Jun-13 17:41:29

Of course it comes down to the individual.
I have had my married name a lot longer than my original name and it is part of my identity. Not a married identity but its a comfortable name. I like my signature, I like the sound of it. I'm not changing just because of a divorce.

FannyMcNally Sat 08-Jun-13 18:10:44

When I got divorced in 1983, the first company I contacted about reverting to my maiden name was my car insurers. They were going to charge me £30 just to change either my name or my title. Considering my insurance at the time was only £50 I thought it was a joke! So I just started keeping my married name. Also I was a contract IT consultant at the time and my name/rep was known at a number of computer agencies so it was just easier to leave it, changing my title to Ms when I came across new forms to fill in.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 08-Jun-13 19:07:02

OP, does your DH's ExW still go by her married name?

overtheraenbow Sat 08-Jun-13 19:16:43

I plan to keep mine for now, for reasons stated above ( kids/work/prefer it to maiden name)
Also if I were to change it and then remarry later would confuse me to change it again!! I'd be writing the wrong one all the time , too confusing for me!!

Frikadellen Sun 09-Jun-13 15:18:40

I wouldn't change if DH and I were to divorce My maiden name is a euthanism for the male genitalia in English why would I deliberately saddle myself with that?

My married name is nice and easy to spell but not overly common perfect imo.

If i was to remarry I would likely take on a new name then.

Ledkr Spain Sun 09-Jun-13 15:28:06

I kept mine as too bone idle to change it but also as I thought my dc had enough to be dealing without their mum being called a different name.
I'm re married now and still have exh name for the same reason new dh couldn't care less even when his baby was referred to as baby <insert surname>

CheesyPoofs Sun 09-Jun-13 15:41:50

I don't understand why women change their name in the first place. I intend to be Ms Maidenname all my life whether I'm married or divorced. Easy peasy.

Noddyandbigears Sun 09-Jun-13 17:29:16

DioneTheDiabolist why would you think my DH had an ExW? wink
Actually he doesn't I am just honestly curious!

One of my close friends married, then split up within about 2 years, she had a tattoo of her married initials and everything, she didnt have any children but still kept her married name for a while. It was only recently she reverted back to her maiden name but she admitted that she'd kept the name through spite to annoy his new girlfriend. I could'nt really understand that thinking at all.

LondonJax Sun 09-Jun-13 17:33:09

I kept mine because no-one I had worked with for 17 years would have known me as anything else. As my work involved a lot of networking it would have been like starting my career all over again. Privately though I reverted back to my maiden name.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 09-Jun-13 18:03:41

OPI would disagree that you were honestly curious.

You assumed that it was done to hurt the ExHconfused. Surely the most logical explanation would be to do with DCs, known professional name and convenience. Indeed you seem to think that all ExWives try to use whatever means they have at their disposal to hurt an Ex. So I was simply wondering if you were speaking from quite bitter experience.

olathelawyer05 Sun 09-Jun-13 18:05:26

"...Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!! "

If as you say he doesn't love you anymore, then its not going to be much a kick in the face is it... In fact, in that scenario, he'd probably want you to relinquish his name.

Frikadellen Sun 09-Jun-13 18:08:23

CheesyPoofs read my first post didn't want to be known as male genitalia for the rest of my life esp not as I have a unisex first name yuck.

olathelawyer05 Sun 09-Jun-13 18:23:26

"I think it's strange, and tbh, slightly pathetic that women still change their name to their H's on marriage...."

Its no more strange or pathetic than men being expected to fork out for a ring, and get on their knees (literally or metaphorically) to propose. You cannot simply pull these conventions out of the context in which they exist, and then criticise them whilst completely ignoring that context.

I speak as someone who is completely unconvinced by marriage as an institution, and is vehemently opposed to it for men.

tutu100 Sun 09-Jun-13 18:25:00

My Mum kept my Dad's surname after they divorced as it had been her name for over 20 years and she didn't want to have a different name to me and my brother.

Ledkr Spain Sun 09-Jun-13 18:34:35

I have already explained my reasons but the realisation that keeping it may have caused ow some annoyance has cheered me up greatly grin

DonutForMyself Sun 09-Jun-13 19:25:47

Do you realise OP that even your signature would have to change, as well as all those official documents, driving license, passport, mortgage, bank accounts, all online shopping accounts, tax credits, all the utility bills? Have you any idea how much effort is involved in changing your name this far down the line?

I think its more likely that someone who changes it back quickly is trying to 'make a point' that they want nothing more to do with their ex (probably with good reason) and those who don't change it back are not bitter, twisted, resentful women who plot ways to get back at their ex (& his new W), they are busy people with full lives, making the most of their new opportunities to have fun and be happy now that their crappy relationship is finished rather than spending their free time filling in endless forms.

cjel Sun 09-Jun-13 22:37:59

yes yes donut, thats what wanted to say!!!!

olgaga Mon 10-Jun-13 00:38:57

I intend to be Ms Maidenname all my life whether I'm married or divorced. Easy peasy.

Not so easy peasy actually. Having kept my single name for work purposes and starting out as Ms (singlename) and Ms (marriedname) I'm now alternatively Mrs (singlename) and Mrs (marriedname) depending on where I am.

After 20 or so years I just can't be arsed.

Call me whatever you like, just don't call me late for dinner.

Noddyandbigears Mon 10-Jun-13 08:09:09

DioneTheDiabolist I dont know what to say - I dont know why you dont believe that I am honestly curious! My friends and I often discuss this topic with mixed responses so thought I'd see what you lot thought! Maybe my original comment was deliberately provocative...

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Mon 10-Jun-13 08:15:45

My sister has been divorced 7 years and still uses her married name. I think it's just laziness tbh as she is terrble with paperwork at the best of times. Definitely not about wanting to stay connected to the ex- they have zero contact (no kids) and she initiated the split, albeit it was reasonably amicable.

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin Mon 10-Jun-13 08:16:06

Thankfully, I don't anticipate having to make this decision but if i did, I think I would want to keep 'my' married name. I would want to have the same name as my children and it would be easier.

Once you get married the surname becomes the family name and I wouldn't consider it the husbands.

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin Mon 10-Jun-13 08:22:19

Noddy.
You don't come over as being curious confused. You come across as a bit angry about this subject but I don't know why confused

Bambi27 Mon 10-Jun-13 08:32:11

Agree with thereareeggsinmyviolin I believe that my 'married' name is now my family name the same as my daughters so would definitely keep it...I think!! I obviously don't feel we will get divorced so hard to know!!

I suspect people doubt your genuine curiosity because your OP effectively said "Why do you do this? I think all the reasons women give are lies and it's actually for this other reason I've made up in my head. I've never actually been in this position myself, you understand, but I think I know what I would do if I ever were so that qualifies me to tell the rest of you who have been there how wrong you are."

This doesn't exactly scream "genuinely curious".

MOSagain Mon 10-Jun-13 16:00:21

1) same surname as DC
2) all professional qualifications/practicing cert in married name
3) PITA to change everything

Noddyandbigears Mon 10-Jun-13 17:07:44

Tollivergroat - I am not going to keep going on about being curious. But even if I had a trail of ex wives all of which had kept my partners name - what difference does it make? It's an open debate and I'd like to know what everyone thinks - I've stated my opinion feel free to state yours

I have done, upthread quite a way. But you also said "I dont know why you dont believe that I am honestly curious!" and I felt free to state my opinion on that too: if you start off your thread by telling the people whose views you claim to be soliciting that you don't think they are telling the truth (effectively dismissing what they think before they've even had a chance to say it) then they are going to doubt your motives for asking.

Noddyandbigears Tue 11-Jun-13 11:52:21

TolliverGroat when did I say I didn't believe anyone? You are missing the whole point of this debate.

DonutForMyself Tue 11-Jun-13 12:35:00

Noddy you say in the OP that you can't help thinking that you know exactly why they do it and have dismissed anyone who has explained many other perfectly valid reasons for keeping their married name (note it is THEIR married name, not their husband's name).

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 11-Jun-13 13:13:11

You say it in your OP OP.hmm

Noddyandbigears Tue 11-Jun-13 14:17:37

DonutForMyself and DioneTheDiabolist I say in my OP 'I can't help thinking...' - this is my opinion and I am then asking for yours! I haven't dismissed anyone!

Its a real wonder why people hate coming on this Mumnet isn't it?!

Noddyandbigears Tue 11-Jun-13 14:19:04

DonutForMyself where in my OP do I say 'I know exactly why they do it'???? I think you may have hang ups of your own...

DonutForMyself Tue 11-Jun-13 16:21:12

erm no, no hang-ups, I'm planning to change back to my maiden name when I can be arsed once I am actually divorced & so will have the paperwork required for an official name change.

However, if I don't get round to it for a while, it has nothing to do with clinging onto the STBXH (FWIW it was my decision to split up with him - obviously not an easy decision where DCs are involved, but mine nonetheless). I'm certainly not hankering after him or clinging onto him or trying to wind anyone up (he doesn't even have a new GF as far as I know) or any of the other crazy speculations that have been bandied about on this thread!

I am happily in a new relationship (DP has no worries about me keeping my married name as he says its a nice name and doesn't mind that I'm still technically a Mrs, which is the only part that bothers me).

STBXH's opinion on my name has no bearing whatsoever, the only people whose opinions mean anything in this situation are my DCs who all understand that if I change my name I will still be their mum and their dad will still be their dad and that as we double-barrelled our names on marriage we will both still have the same name as them.

If any of my 'friends' were speculating about why I might be keeping it for longer than necessary for any reason other than sheer laziness, I would think they didn't have much going on in their life if that was of any interest to them whatsoever!

Noddyandbigears Tue 11-Jun-13 18:15:31

No hang up at all then!

cjel Tue 11-Jun-13 18:46:21

I am keeping MY name, its mine for 30 years, it makes me feel part of the family of my dcs and dgcs. Never considered changing it. not hanging on for spite or changing to 'show him' any thing/

I don't read anywhere that OP has dismissed my views or reasons but some of you are being very judgemental on OP. Some of you do sound a tad bit hung up!!!!

Noddyandbigears Tue 11-Jun-13 20:03:34

THANK YOU cjel!! You have restored my faith in mumsnet!

My original post was a thought / a view etc, I put it out there as I wanted to know and understand all of your opinions and do you know what? its really made me think and change my original view. I honestly do believe that a lot of people keep the name for simple reasons such as being the same as their children, or just being used to the name etc. I really haven't meant to attack anyone, but it does make you wonder if some people DO keep the name as 'one up' especially as some people have really taken offence to the mere suggestion. I am telling you that my friend did just that - she honestly thought by keeping his name it was a way of getting to her ex's new partner. I doubt anyone would come onto this post and admit to that which is fine but I think we have to accept there are some people like that.

My original point was that if anyone did think like that then surely by keeping his name its not spiting him or his new partner its just spiting yourself and the whole 'kick in the face thing' was meant in the sense that by getting rid of his name would be one of the best ways to show him that you'd completely washed your hands of him. That was all I meant. However I accept this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone.

DonutForMyself Tue 11-Jun-13 21:34:54

But even that implies that we care enough to want to 'show him that we've washed our hands of him'. I don't give a stuff about my ex!

Noddyandbigears Tue 11-Jun-13 22:37:28

Oh Jesus I give up.

cjel Tue 11-Jun-13 22:42:27

donut glad you don't give a stuff about your ex but please who are you alluding to when you say we? I do give a stuff about my ex, violent abusive and cheat, but i still care about him and worry for him, just don't have to have him in my life any more. the phrase \i think she doth protest too much just came to mind!!winksmile

CatDogAndMouse Wed 12-Jun-13 09:46:51

I kept my married name because my maiden name is awful!

DPs EW wanted to change their DCs surname. When he refused to agree she 'threatened' him that she would keep his name too if he wouldn't give his permission. And? Doesn't bother me or him what she calls herself. It did matter that the children kept his name.

She used a different name for DCs until the court dismissed her request.

SpringyReframed Tue 25-Jun-13 18:14:43

It has given me so much pleasure to revert to my maiden name. It is hard to describe in words but I am now me again and it has been a massive part of my recovery process. My children didnt mind at all. It has caused no problems whatsoever with school or anything like that. Loads of children have different surnames to their parents and no one bats an eyelid.

Sinned Mon 01-Jul-13 20:49:01

So you want to change it from one man's name,the ex, to another man's name, your fathers?

Nacster Tue 02-Jul-13 20:14:38

I'm not changing my name on divorce.

I didn't realise I was only borrowing it while I was being a good little wifey!

I like it. It's a good name. Living in NI, it is also a nicely neutral name, whereas my father's name placed me very firmly in a certain religious camp.

It's a bit odd to assume it's usually done out of spite or some other weird ass emotional motivation. Reverting to your old name requires action, and quite a lot of it. Remaining the same requires no effort and little explanation. I think it's possible that apathy causes more women to keep a name than spite.

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