Dh left on Wednesday to think things over

(31 Posts)
Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 12:55:48

I cried on Wednesday/Thursday, felt anxious on Friday and Saturday. Last night I started to feel anger and today I have started to look at benefit entitlements.

Does this mean I don't want him back? I have lots of emails I sent myself about topics like what changes Ican make, what changes Id like him to make because I wanted to reconcile but I'm confused by the feelings of anger.

We have 3 dc 11,9,6 who think he's away on business and been together 13 years. No abuse or anything like that.

On Thursday I sent him an email with some questions which he replied to then we ended up arguing on text then talking about the good old times.

On Friday we went to his mums. I asked him to call the kids this weekend out of courtesy as they miss him but nothing. He promised to contact me with some questions and thoughts that he has but nothing yet. I sent him a gentle text last night to remind him of this (I'm checking email every 2 minutes as I'm desperate to keep some dialogue going but nothing.

Do you think I'm harassing him too much? I've sent emails that are not long and rambly and think that one message a day is not overly pushy. I have lots of thoughts and ideas that I want to share with him but I don't want to push him into reconciling if he's not really up for it or seem like I'm too overbearing.

I can't stop obsessing over when he's going to contact me, what's he thinking and when he's going to call the kids. I'm really surprised at his lack of contact with them (they have phones so he could call/message them without talking to me) . Everytime I see the same car model as his my heart races.

Now I predominantly feel anger that the ball is in his court, he won't see the kids when I've had 5 days of pretending everything is ok and not contacting me at all. - even if he said that he isn't able to articulate his thoughts today then it'd help as I could stop checking email. Sigh..

I feel like Im going mad. I average about 5 hours sleep at night and feel panicky, angry and tearful. I have loads of episodes where my body forgets to breathe and I end up gasping.

Thank you for reading this long ramble. I have no friends or family that I can turn to.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 13:10:59

I wouldn't contact him tbh.

Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 13:30:15

I am coming to that conclusion too.

Contacting him makes me feel needy and anxious so I think it's best to not chase him anymore.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 13:57:29

Let him miss you and dc's.....if you no longer contact him he'll wonder y, might make him sit up and realise that you are carrying on life without him.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sun 25-Nov-12 14:04:07

Why did he leave exactly? What 'things' did he need to 'think over?' Was this all a surprise to you, or had there been something brewing for a while?

I think there may be some truths you're unaware of and I hope you get some resolution soon. I feel for your children waiting to hear from their dad - that must be making you so angry and sad.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 14:06:11

Is there someone else involved ? He is fitting the pattern, from what you have said.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sun 25-Nov-12 14:12:10

Do you know where he is now?

solittletimeandsomuchtodo Sun 25-Nov-12 15:13:25

I think he has way to much control in this situation. Leaving you alone to deal with the (unknown?) situation and also look after the dc.
Can you go away next weekend, leave him to have the dc?

scaevola Sun 25-Nov-12 15:26:55

Oh, this is horrible.

You are probably in a state akin to shock, and you need to by kind to yourself. Have you someone in RL you can confide in, and who might Len a friendly hand as you sort out what life will be like during his absence?

Do not keep emailing him. Keep any communications short and focussed entirely on arrangements for the children and any other practical admin that cannot wait until he calls for the DCs. He'll know from what you've already sent that you want to talk to him; you don't need to keep telling him that. And it will help if you use the time and space of the separation to start thinking about what you really want in future, with or without him.

MrsjREwing Sun 25-Nov-12 15:38:19

Think back over the last few months, sounds like my ex, left for ow.

Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 15:51:47

Things have been up and down in the marriage so it'd not a surprise but Im not sure why Wednesday was the day he left.

I think that my dh is basically an addict. At the moment he's addicted to exercise, drinking and smoking. During the marriage he's also been addicted to eating, porn, work, computer games and Internet chat rooms. His addictions make him less desirable to me and make me plough my efforts into the kids even more which drives us further apart. At the moment he has trouble performing in bed which leads me to ask him what's up but he won't say.

My oldest child suspects an OW and so do I but he insists there isn't. Based on online banking statements I do not think he has another stressful addiction like gambling or drugs but something is wrong.

Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 15:57:35

I want him to see the dc. They keep asking about him and I don't want to tell them the truth until I know what it is.

When he normally travels for business he calls the kids and sends them pics of his room service dinner etc so Im really surprised that he won't contact them. Not talking to me is one thing but not contacting the kids is awful. He works long hours Mon-Fri so it'll be at least next week before they seem him. sad

He is currently staying at a hotel (based on online banking) No idea if there is someone with him or he's actually staying there as its not local.

I will not send him any more messages unless there is an emergency. The kids think it's business as usual (they are playing ps3 with mates downstairs) and Im fearing that I will have to tell them the truth soon.

Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 15:59:26

Thank you so much for all the replies so far. They mean the world to me and keeping me strong.

MrsjREwing Sun 25-Nov-12 16:00:56

Forget him, work out why you went for someone who was an addict, had kids with him and by the sounds of it brought in kids from a previous relationship.

I feel for you, as I married someone similar, I don't trust my choices so stay single, also I don't want my kids hurt again.

Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 16:25:56

I didn't know he had an addictive personality. I met him at work so very hard to know what someone is really like.

I had 3 kids though. His family all seem to have addiction problems except his sister and part of me felt that it wasn't so bad compared to them. His addictions weren't destructive in the obvious way that his father and brothers are so it was quite easy to see it as a character flaw rather than something intolerable. His father used to get drunk and beat his mum. His youngest brother beat up his other brother when drunk and he ended up in a&e with black eye and broken nose. Dh has never scared me while drunk. Was I settling unnecessarily? I don't know.

Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 16:27:10

If dh is leaving then I will probably remain single too for the same reasons.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 16:28:06

I think a yardstick that tells you at least he is "just" a 7/10 tool instead of a 10/10 tool is a flawed one

Xenia Sun 25-Nov-12 16:41:29

Might be worth thinking about some financial issues - you said you were checking benefits. Assuming you don't work and he does and he perhaps earns £25k average wage..., do you rent or have a mortgage? Have you got copies of things like his P60 and tax return and your marriage certificate? It sounds like he has done nothing financial yet - perhaps still got a joint bank account, you can still both draw on it. Keep checking what is happening there.

It is strange that he is not wanting to see the children or at least contact them - probably because he cannot make up his mind what to do and would have to tell them he didn't know what he is going to do. Could you ask his sister if she has any idea what is going on?

Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 17:13:56

His sister wouldn't know as she's not close to h. The most likely person to know would be his mum and based on how she behaved when another son divorced, Im not sure she'd tell me the truth and it might be seen as me hounding h and I am not going to beg him to come back- I just want to get some dialogue going.

We have a mortgaged house with about 60k equity, he earns £65k and I earn £200 a month free lance. (I work around the children so no childcare fees) I would consider job hunting for a permanent job if we split and it made financial sense. Credit card is in h's name and I have no debts like student loans.

We currently live between Dc1's school and dc2/dc3's school. I can't see anything to rent round here so Id have to take dc2 and dc3 out of their current school and put them on the mammoth waiting list for schools nearer dc1's school. I can not drive due to epilepsy so that's not a solution either.

Have been reading the red flags thread in relationship and feel like I've been minimising dh's behaviour.

The children thing is shit. I think he knows Id not withhold contact so Im expecting a call some time asking if he can pick them up in 10 minutes or something. (He's very impulsive and it wouldn't occur to him that the kds and I would prefer a prearranged date and time)

Headfucked Sun 25-Nov-12 19:06:02

Just had a text from him to ask if he can come round in 45 minutes time. Eek! I've said yes because of the kids and me and suspect he's driving so haven't asked for further details.
Today I've come to the conclusion that I'll cope if he goes. It will be painful but I can be a lone parent without him.

Feeling nervous and will update later or tomorrow depending on what happens.

Xenia Sun 25-Nov-12 19:11:36

He works you don't He is on £60k a year. I am pretty sure a lawyer would say you can stay put until the children are 18 and then he gets his equity out of the house and in the mean time he pays you mainteance (and for the children he has to pay 25% of his after tax earnings under CSA rules I think on top of what he pays you). His housing needs may be met if with another woman - I doubt he's staying long term in a hotel as that would cost too much. i expect his salary would pay the mortgage plus you would have child benefit and child tax credits as a single person on a low salary. Do not register with HMRC to stop child benefit despite his £60k salary now of course. Keep claiming the full child benefit.

Legally does not matter whose names things are in as basically on divorce they add up all assets the equity is usually the only ting and then and then split it but if it would leave the children homeless he would only get his share when you move or remarry or have a new live in boyfriend or when the children reach 18. Obviously if you earn 10x what he does as I did then it's totally different (and my children's father got about 60% of our/my assets).

Don't leave whatever happens as your legal position will be much better if he stays and of course it all may work out. Lots of long marriages have ups and downs.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 19:45:46

Good advice from xenia

Start by assuming you won't work it out (who would want to ?) and protect yourself financially

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sun 25-Nov-12 20:21:57

Some basic info from CAB on ending a marriage.
Sometimes they can arrange a free session with a family solicitor for you - or you may be able to find one yourself.

You naturally have loads of questions at this point, and it would be worth focussing and getting some answers.

scaevola Sun 25-Nov-12 20:44:56

Search for posts by olgaga - loads of advice on places to seek help for practical and financial matters.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 21:32:46

yes, yes

search posts from olgaga

where is she , anyway ?

Headfucked Mon 26-Nov-12 09:22:57

Hi.
He came round and he played with the kids until bedtime then we talked.

We started off as great lovers and friends, moved to great friends and no love and are currently great lovers but no friendship.

He is moving out and we are going to see each other as friends for the sake of the kids. Our friendship has died because we never spend time together and it'll be great if we can like each other again. I know that I could easily make him stay if we had sex but it won't sort out our fundamental problem of lack of friendship (and babysitter)

He slept on the sofa while I slept in bed. He is going away on business for a week (this is definitely true) and has promised to go back to being friendly with the kids. Dd loves it when he brings back hotel shampoos and the kids love getting photos like the view from his hotel, what he ate for dinner etc.

If he keeps up his promise of spending time with us we might have s chance. If I work on my issues we might have a chance. We both come from fucked up families so don't know what a good marriage looks like but we have 3 happy children so must be doing some things right.

AnyFucker Mon 26-Nov-12 11:04:14

That's great for him. He gets to be the "fun daddy", go on nice days out, an occasional bunk-up with you, warm his toes at your hearth when he feels like it and none of the responsibility of the shitwork

What do you get out of it ?

Xenia Mon 26-Nov-12 11:19:10

I she gets the chance they might sort things out. There is no rush to divorce. It sounds like they have an intelligent chat. Although I would have given him 2 massive black sacks of children's washing to be done within 2 days and ironed to make sure he pulls his weight domestically.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 26-Nov-12 11:46:10

So there was no babysitter before? At least you could have gone out occasionally as individuals. Now what chance is there? No wait . . .

olgaga Tue 27-Nov-12 11:41:49

Hello, I'm here folks - been a bit busy dealing with PMs lately!

This is the post you are referring to:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

AnyFuckingDude Tue 27-Nov-12 12:40:24

smile

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