Partners wife has gone crazy...

(130 Posts)
Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 10:09:22

I've never posted on anything like this before - but guess I'm really after some advice from people who have been through this, thoughts as a 3rd party as to what to do here. My partner finally left his wife of 16 years in January after the marriage had broken down. For nearly 2 years previous they had had separate bedrooms. They had tried to separate before but decided to give it a try for the sake of the children (who are now 14 and 11) but it simply didn't work. I know I only ever hear his side of the story but it seems she is a bully, abusive, controlling and not very nice.. she told him time and time again that she didn't want him and were it not for the children they would not be together. Life is short and he finally found the courage to leave. This was in fact after he had met me.. so I have no doubt that this made leaving easier but I honestly don't think I was the reason he left his wife. We are now 7 months on and he has just told her that he is in another relationship. She has continued to make his life a misery, stop him seeing the children, keeps saying she doesn't want the children, won't proceed with the divorce etc etc.. but now .. on hearing there is another woman involved she has scaled up. She is threatening to find out who I am and to come and harm me (she stalked his girlfriend previous to her to the point where the police had to get involved... and this was someone he had left for her!!!!). I have a 5 year old daughter and live alone with her. I am nervous at the best of times living alone and do not want to spend my life worried that a crazy ex-wife is going to come and harm me and my little girl. I feel trapped as I love him dearly.. have never felt like this and we are so so happy. I dream of a simple life with an extended family..but she has already started work on turning his children against him, saying he would rather spend time with me than them.. which simply is not true. It's all such a mess. I do feel for her.. but their marriage was over.. they were not happy at all. I have a husband from whom I separated at a similar time and we are totally civil.. we still eat together with our little girl sometimes and he can talk to me about his new relationship. Has anyone else any similar experiences or advice?? Thanks for reading.. sorry it was rather long!

Dropdeadfred Tue 14-Aug-12 10:11:25

His last girlfriend ???? Whilst he was married?
Obviously you can report any real threats to the police

Dropdeadfred Tue 14-Aug-12 10:12:44

Okay reread your post and know he wasn't married with a girlfriend!! Report her to the police if you are really concerned

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 10:13:46

You do realise that he has probably fed you a pack of lies, about the marriage being "over" and how evil she is. There tends to be a script they all follow.

You do realise when he moves onto his next girlfriend, you will become the evil psycho bitch?

FiveMonths Tue 14-Aug-12 10:20:40

What are his own feelings about it? I think you should talk to him and ask if he would prefer not to continue your relationship, in the light of her reaction.

It's not your fault, obviously, and he ought to have the right to move on if he wishes to but this is very much a situation between him and her, and there's very little you can do other than to make a decision whether to stay with him or not.

In your position I probably would let the relationship go, at least until things have calmed down, and then perhaps take it very slowly and not inform her that you were seeing each other again.

Your safety and your little girl's are paramount, as is your peace of mind. He needs to sort out his life as best he can, but that's nothing to do with you, and shouldn't be.

fergoose Tue 14-Aug-12 10:21:13

I agree - police business aside, you have only got his 'story' - I bet any money the wife would have a totally different tale to tell.

RindersGoesForGold Tue 14-Aug-12 10:22:41

Exactly what 5months said.

FiveMonths Tue 14-Aug-12 10:26:21

in fact thinking about it, being in a relationship with a man who has previously been with someone this nuts (if she is) for 16 years is a really bad call.

How did he sustain it without being bonkers himself?

I would have deep reservations...I say this as someone who got together with a man in similar circumstances, he had been in a long relationship, not married, living apart most of the time, and fraught with arguments and volatility.
He met me, decided to leave the long term partner, and after about 3 months, maybe 4, I began to realise that their relationship was still paramount and that his problems were deeper than I had ever imagined. In short it takes two, very often, if a situation is as long term as this, and there will be huge issues for him to recover from, if it was that unhappy, but he probably never will.

Mine went straight back to his ex when I finished with him, and now all I get is threatening calls from her, she sees me as a mistress, he is still heavily involved in their arguments but now I'm used as the excuse for them to argue and I get the fallout when she calls me.

I realised it was never, ever about me, and that his life was suiting him very well as it was, before I came along, however miserable he claimed to be. It was his lifestyle choice, to have that sort of volatile, crappy, destructive and violent relationship, and the freedom for a lot of affairs, which I didn't know about till she told me.

Be careful - very, very careful.

pinklantern Tue 14-Aug-12 10:26:55

He left his wife of 16 years for another woman but you think its her who has made his life a misery? I think you've got that mixed up.

You blindly believed the 'we sleep in separate beds', 'shes a bully', 'our marriage is over'? I mean those things could well be true, but as you point out, you only have his word for it. Surely any woman with a bit of self-worth would roll their eyes and swiftly move on upon hearing those immortal lines?

I totally understand your anxieites if you truly think she is a risk to you. And its admirable that you have a civil relationship with your ex, it would of course be best all round if DP and his ex could have something similar. You do make some very valid points but you need understand you are the OW and as such you chose this whole mess.

If you want a straightforward relationship go for someone unattached.

fergoose Tue 14-Aug-12 10:37:29

Also if his wife was so bad why did he stay for 16 years - I don't believe all this staying 'for the sake of the children' nonsense. He stayed because he wanted to, he could have left at any time, except he didn't until he had somebody else to run to.

Beckamaw Tue 14-Aug-12 10:49:04

Any man who claims that his ex is a mental case is prancing around with a red flag. In fact there are a lot of red flags in your post.
Can you not see it OP?

fergoose Tue 14-Aug-12 10:54:50

A whole bunting of red flags I reckon.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 14-Aug-12 10:57:33

Ok, so he was in a relationship and left that person for the woman he then married.

He has fed you a whole load of stuff about their marriage being dreadful etc, but you've only been together 7 months. How many mistresses has he had before you, OP, do you think?

Because you are a mistress. He isn't your 'partner', he is another woman's husband.

Has his wife been in contact with you, or has he just told you that she is going to stalk you and harm you?

How long do you think it will be before you are the evil witch at home and he is off shagging his next conquest?

For the sake of your daughter if not for yourself, run 100 miles from this man.

FiveMonths Tue 14-Aug-12 11:00:10

Exactly Fergoose - he stayed because it suited him in some respect. That's not to excuse the behaviour of people who abuse - and doesn't mean his reasons were healthy or right.

Just like the person my ex went back to, has been beaten up for years by him but still wants him in her life, I have no idea why - she could leave, but she chooses not to. It doesn't make him justified or her sane. But their relationship is clearly more important to them both than their own individual good health and happiness, which they somehow see as unfixable I think.

So he will still carry over his own needs from his marriage, into your relationship, just as mine tried to with ours - the abuse had already begun when I left him, it's just that his ex/partner accepts it as part of the pay off, while I refuse to live in that manner.

I think you will find out why his marriage didn't work, if you stay with him for longer, and it won't have everything to do with his wife's behaviour.

FiveMonths Tue 14-Aug-12 11:03:36

Btw I accept that this becomes a difficult issue if you turn it round and say, but surely a wife who has been abused by her husband, then moves onto another relationship, is not a danger to her new partner?

This may be very true but she will almost certainly have some deep seated issues which will not have been addressed in a short period between leaving an abuser of 16 years, and beginning a new relationship immediately with a non abuser. These do need to be dealt with and your bloke doesn't sound like he is dealing with any of his issues, either before getting involved with someone new (you) or concurrently to this relationship, which though not ideal would at least be something.

ArtexMonkey Tue 14-Aug-12 11:05:49

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy...

What everyone else has said. It sounds likes whole load of trouble for the sake pf a relationship with someone who's not really the faithful type. Is he worth it?

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 12:16:41

Yes sorry.. may not have been clear there. His previous girlfriend who he had finished a relationship with shortly before he met the woman who then became his wife. Thanks for answering.

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 12:29:47

Well.. thanks every one for writing.. feel quite humbled that you have taken the time to read and reply. I do try and think about how I would respond if I were not involved here. I do totally see what points are being made here but I feel I know this man very well and tell myself why can't it be that she is nutty, he did stay because deep inside he is actually very loyal and did all he could to stay but finally felt for the sake of his own happiness he couldn't any longer. Can it not be that?? Does it have to be that he is fundamentally a man that cheats and will do so to me?? Does it have to be that the things he tells me about his relationship with her are not truthful? This is so not what I wanted for my life but I feel totally in love with him and the idea of not seeing him feels just too awful. So far the threats from her are just what she has said to him - so actually nothing directly to me as yet - I guess if that ever happens then I shall contact the police at the first instance. With so many divorces and separations out there this really makes me wonder how anybody gets to move on and just be happy again.

fergoose Tue 14-Aug-12 12:38:07

Honestly - I think you are seeing and believing what you want to believe about this man. You have only known him for a few months.

I separated from my ex this year after nearly 16 years - and I know for a fact that he has told people I am nuts and a crazy stalker. Both of these things are untrue. He was the abusive bully, but he refused to leave, and believe me I told him to leave lots of times (begged him actually). He told me he loved me, would never leave. Then finally when he did go it was to several other women - and you know I actually feel like I should warn them about what he is really like. He claims now that he only stayed for our child and didn't love me for years - well he told me a totally different 'story' for all those years, and reading what others have gone through it seems this is a common occurrence.

So my advice to you would be to run for the hills - but if you can't do that, please take a massive step back. Look at this man for what he is, and please do not believe everything he tells you. He will only tell you what he wants you to hear, please take it all with a massive pinch of salt. He will be on his best behaviour at the moment - the cracks will show. Please protect yourself and your child is my advice.

OhNoMyFoot Tue 14-Aug-12 14:04:31

So you only know of the threats from him?

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 14:25:49

No, no - run like the wind from this one. I am really sorry, but there are so many red flags in this one. Out of interest, you say you live alone with your dd. Where is HE living? You left your dh at a "similar" time? Does this mean you were having an affair? I would be thinking along the lines of - he hasn't left her at all, or he is planning to go back, but saying it is because he doesn't want you be hurt, or the ex really needs him or something, because he is a big cowardly custard. If he moved in 7 months ago and has never left your side since, then please ignore the bit above.

zippey Tue 14-Aug-12 14:41:40

People often say things they dont mean eg "If she does that again I will kill her" or "I could murder a sandwhich". Doesnt actually mean the person will kill the woman or the sandwhich.

Have tyou thought about coming clean and meeting the lady in a public place?

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 14:44:06

Zippey - WTAF? hmm

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 15:54:11

Yes.. threats are just from him.. it's very recent that he has mentioned he has been seeing someone to her as he predicted she would not react well.. despite her not wanting anything to do with him for years. He currently lives at his mothers.. does spend a night or two at the house with me.. but .. despite what seems an utter mess, we were trying to do things as best as we could with regards to moving on together. I don't want another man moving in right away as I have a 5 year old and as I said, a good relationship with my ex.. just want to take things slowly.. but the plan is that he would eventually move in here with me.

I do have thoughts of meeting her in a public place. I don't think I am a nasty or unfair person... I don't understand why if 2 consenting adults want to be with eachother they should feel they are not allowed to. We are on this planet for such a short period of time and happiness is so important. Too many people stick with things that make them unhappy - only to probably wish they hadn't when they are on their deathbed.

Again.. feedback from him is that she is not of reasoned mind. Despite all you saying how there are big red flags, I have spent a lot of time with him and I do wholeheartedly believe and trust him.. he has never given me any reason to think otherwise. Sure there would be a different story from the wife.. and sure he gives a slightly bias view of certain scenarios.. he says himself that he is not perfect and has made mistakes etc.. but fundamentally I do believe him.

I just don't think I can stop seeing him without any evidence that he is anything but the man I've fallen in love with and him me. Guess I shall have to live and wait to see if the threats arrive and if they do act on them quickly.

Thanks again for reading.. What a great site.

zippey Tue 14-Aug-12 17:28:14

Her anger, if she has any is directed at her ex. I know ex has slated her but I always think there are 2 sides to every angle, unless it is a triangle.

Hopefully though you wont have anything to fear. I like your attitude, that its too short a life to have enemies. If you stay with your your partner, she will also be a part of your life, since they have children together. So I do think arranging a meeting, in a resteraunt, maybe with the kids, isnt a bad idea, as long as everyone is willing.

Littlefish Tue 14-Aug-12 17:57:43

Were you involved with him before he left the family home?

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 19:51:28

Have you met his mother? Visited him there?

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 19:53:34

Were you involved with him before he left his wife and before you left your DH? I am not coming at this from a judgemental view, just it does make a difference on what advice you get, and what his motivations might be.

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 20:42:35

We did meet eachother before either of us left our spouses. Both our marriages were over. My biggest regret is not having the strength and bravery to 'go it alone' .. I agree that without meeting this other man I probably wouldn't have had the strength to break out. But I wasn't happy. I had a few months seeing a therapist to help me deal with the feelings of guilty I had over this. I guess we don't always behave in life how we would if we were to write a text book about how we would like to be. That's something I have to live with and I do. His marriage was over more than mine.. they hadn't slept in the same bed for nearly 2 years.. she had told him to leave on a number of occassions, she had physically abused him even (again.. I know some of you will say that is all just him making it up... but as I have said before.. I do believe him... don't think men are ALWAYS the baddies!). And yes.. I have met his mother and visited him there. I didn't talk in depth about the situation with her, but she did say that neither of them were happy and she is pleased that he has made steps to move on from where he was.

OhNoMyFoot Tue 14-Aug-12 20:50:29

Why is it she should be understanding and yet you were so racked with guilt you had to have couselling. Personally I think you need to be abit more generous, she's been left after all his promises when he left someone for her.

Had you mentioned meeting her before the threats were made?

Have you meet his family and friends?

coppertop Tue 14-Aug-12 20:58:18

I can't for the life of me understand why he would tell you about the threats.

The only thing I can come up with is that he wants you to be worried about living alone so that you'll ask him to move in sooner.

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 21:01:33

I don't expect her to be understanding... just don't expect her to threaten me or make my life a misery just because the marriage she had with the man didn't work out. We can't be responsible for other people's happiness. Maybe I've jumped the gun.. she hasn't actually threatened me.. just threatened to find me to him and has been very angry and as I said before has stalked previously. I guess I should try and empathise more and see what happens. I felt sad and panicky earlier which is why I leaped onto this site for the first time.. sometimes good to hear from people who are outside of your circle of friends.

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 21:04:15

I think he tells me about the threats because he is genuinely worried about what she may do. She has hit him before - and hit the children before... the police got involved before when she was stalking an ex girlfriend of his that had had no involvement in their relationship.. I think he feels responsible for me being fearful but doesn't want to lie to me and doesn't know what she is capable of.

MorrisZapp Tue 14-Aug-12 21:32:31

I think OP has been treated unfairly here. Is it so hard to believe that somebody would stay in an unhappy marriage? The relationship threads are full of people unhappy in LTRs but unable or unwilling to leave.

They are also full of people whose sex lives has dwindled or vanished. Mine has and I'm in a happy LTR so why is it so hard to believe that when a man leaves a woman, their sex life had been rubbish for a while?

He was married for 16 years, and has now moved on. It's hardly enough evidence to call him the unfaithful type, or to say that he'll cheat again.

OP, you need to let your DP deal with this. As others have said, you haven't been directly threatened.

MrsJREwing Tue 14-Aug-12 21:43:19

He will do the same and say the same about you one day. I wasn't well I had a physical condition that caused me to have memory problems, anxiety and depression, that's why I lived with an abusive arse, and I would love to know what it is that kept your man with abusive crazy ex wife and what attracted you to such a married father?

AnyFucker Tue 14-Aug-12 21:48:53

oh, that poor martyred man

my heart bleeds for him, it truly does

it must be awful having 2 women fighting over him and calling each other terrible names

somedayillbesaturdaynite Tue 14-Aug-12 21:54:39

coppertop is spot on. he is trying to engineer to move into your home sooner than later, as you'd planned. tbh, you don't even KNOW any threats have been made towards you by his ex...

through the posts the red flags come flying out "she has even hit the kids before." Any decent parent (male or female) would at the very least be battling it out in court for full custody and have social services on their ex's doorstep if that were remotely true. If he has parental responsibilty and it were true he would have his dc living in his mother's house with him and be letting his ex take him to court. very telling indeed that his actions aren't backing up the tales he's spinning hmm

MrsJREwing Tue 14-Aug-12 22:01:58

Don't tell her that, he will have to see through his lies and he will put in false social services reports and court cases, those poor kids.

Happylander Tue 14-Aug-12 22:02:27

I met my Ex not long after he had left his wife or so I thought anyway. I was told there marriage was over, they had split and he only stayed in the house at weekends to see his daughter. That she was nasty to him, mentally unstable, adulterous, selfish, lazy and a terrible mother. I believed him as I thought he was being honest about everything. I thought that her behaviour when she found out he was seeing me was down to her psycho personality. Last year I found out that he had got back together with his ex at the time he met me and they had actually been working at their marriage but by the time I found this out (by accident fromm an email her solicitor had sent to his) we had a child and a mortgage and he talked his way out of it.

In October he left me because I was nasty...actually just read the description of his first wife. Said there was no one else involved blah blah 2 days after leaving me he had his christmas holiday booked with OW rather than spend time with his children he chose OW. I am now made out to be the psycho just like his first wife because I have a go at him for not turning up to see DS however, what he tells people is I stop him. I don't as I want a break and to have a bit of a life that doesn't involve work and a toddler.

Be warned he is telling you what you want to hear.

Happylander Tue 14-Aug-12 22:03:58

My Ex also said his first wife hit the kids by the way. I very much doubt she ever did.

somedayillbesaturdaynite Tue 14-Aug-12 22:13:16

sorry mrsjr i didn't think i wont be offended if you want to report blush however the crucial point was the 'if it were true' part. the fact his actions say different shows he's most prob lying through his teeth. at the dc's ages i would think it came down to whatever they said (was much harder trying to disprove such allegations when mine were toddlers)

caramelwaffle Tue 14-Aug-12 22:24:36

I feel Capaccino MrsJREwing is on to something there.

I also feel someday is probably correct and letting you know what this is all leading up to: he is engineering a move in to your home (feet under the table and all that)

Don't answer the following out loud here if you don't feel it, however I'll ask the questions never the less:

Do you own your own home?

Do you have a good income? Maintenance? Independent income?

Is he expecting you to accept "a couple of hundred pounds a month" to live at yours - as opposed to having to pay full rent/bills at his own home?

Will you be providing full housekeeping services for him?

Are you generally known as a "nice" woman who'll generally stay at home whilst letting her "man" have free rein to "go out and do his own thing without complaint"?

Do you stay at home a lot because you have a young daughter?

Will he be childminding your daughter for you, alone, at any time whilst you work/shop/socialise? If no, why not? Does your love for him include trusting him to bring no harm to your daughter? (How long have you known him)

How prepared are to to co-parent - as a step parent - with a woman who wants to "kill you"?

Will you consider official family mediation for the three of you?

When will their children be staying with you? Weekdays? Weekends? One week at her house? One week at your house?

If you were not on the scene, what would his plans be with regards his housing/job/income? Would he simply stay at his mothers until another suitable woman came along?

Why could he not live separately from you?

It is your life - however of more consideration, it is your child's life.

Do take time to consider these questions very carefully.

MrsJREwing Tue 14-Aug-12 22:25:11

My feeling is this particular man is telling what is being enjoyed. The joint game between the two and their delusion could hurt innocent people.

MrsJREwing Tue 14-Aug-12 22:30:44

Yes I am on to it as it two people did that to my babies and me.

bloodyfurious Tue 14-Aug-12 22:31:18

tbf, and give some balance, DHs ex is absolutely of the wall and always has been

its been 9 years since she met OM and she is still furious he had the balls to leave her and she makes their DCs pay for it

OhNoMyFoot Wed 15-Aug-12 03:16:15

We can't be responsible for other people's happiness

I agree, however you can be responsible for other peoples unhappiness. All we are saying is that it is still earlier days. You don't know him that we'll yet. You don't know his friends and family. You've only heard any of this from him. Yes everyone has to trust what their partner tells them, but not blindly. Please do bear in mind what you have been told here.

Do people who start out meeting when still with someone make it? Yes some do, plenty don't though and usually for reasons already given. Please don't dismiss everything that has been said, save this thread, use it to help prevent you from being in her position.

mathanxiety Wed 15-Aug-12 05:40:26

'Despite all you saying how there are big red flags, I have spent a lot of time with him and I do wholeheartedly believe and trust him.. he has never given me any reason to think otherwise.'
Sorry to be blunt (actually, not very sorry at all) but you are an idiot if you believe this man whom you have known only since the beginning of the year. It has only been what, 8 months?

He doesn't want to lie to you? hahaha. My guess is that every single thing about this relationship with you is a lie.

He doesn't know what she is capable of? ... He doesn't want you to ever be tempted to meet this woman and compare notes.

Every single thing he has said, that you have swallowed hook, line and sinker, looks like a crock of hooey to me. He is slandering this woman in order to make himself look good, patient and long suffering and interested in the welfare of his children, possibly to project his own faults and his own personal need to end the relationship onto her, certainly to flatter you into thinking you are The One who has saved him. It is also done to test your loyalty to him -- any questioning of his story at all will be met with 'Whose side are you on?' And finally, he is dishing you up his version of reality for the sheer pleasure of establishing mind control.

Do you feel flattered that you are so different from the ex?
Do you believe you are the one who can heal him and give him what he needs in a relationship?
What makes you so special that he finally got up the courage to make the break when he had met you?
You are being love bombed. It's like being lured into a car by a stranger offering sweets.

'the plan is that he would eventually move in here with me.'
If you now feel that you are planning a future together you are being even more of an idiot. He is going way too fast. You are being used.

Attachment and plans for the future have progressed too fast. You have both attached far too fast.
He is planning to sponge off you.

He is no saint but basically the end of the relationship is all his ex's fault and she is an utter monster who even slaps the children.
She is a psycho/stalker/bitch.
He waited until he met you before he made the break from his nightmarish life (yeah right)
Narcissists and psychopaths and sociopaths routinely devalue their former partners once they have moved on.
They move on fast.
They triangulate -- you mentioned you had met the wife and his reports about her personality are clearly designed to involve her in your relationship.

Disordered individuals can't just leave one relationship and move on. It is necessary for them to demolish the former target of their affections and what they once represented to him. This is what is happening here.

The things he is saying about his former wife far exceed the bounds of normalcy. Something is seriously wrong here.

Probably no point saying any of this -- you are clearly head over heels infatuated with this loser.

iscream Wed 15-Aug-12 06:38:48

"but finally felt for the sake of his own happiness he couldn't any longer"
If I had been him, I would stay for my childrens sake, rather than leave them with a so called unstable person. Or else I would get a divorce and try for custody.
I think you would be smart to cool it until his divorce is final. You are only hearing his side of the story. Separate bedrooms means nothing, it could be a matter of snoring.
I really think if I were you, that I would not rush into anything. There are 3 children involved in this, please tread with caution.

Springhasarrived Wed 15-Aug-12 07:59:20

Brilliant post MathAnxiety. Take heed OP, especially for your DD.

My advice would also be do not make any attempt so soon to contact the DW. She will have no interest yet in being remotely friendly/cooperative with the person who she will no doubt at the moment perceive to be the reason for the break up of her marriage

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 08:37:31

You've made me remember something my ex said - and it was in the context of things moving very fast, even faster than the OP's situation.

It was when we were talking about having a baby. He said if we had six children, we would get a massive council house and live for nothing. He was genuinely excited about this.

I didn't take it very seriously, as he worked full time, but there were other signs he wanted to move in with me - he asked for a key, I didn't give him one. He wanted to bring all his stuff here - I didn't let him.
And at the same time, he wanted NOT to move in because then he would be asked to support me, and he thought the government were doing that fine thankyou, without him having to worry about it.

the fact I was thoroughly unhappy and ashamed about being on benefit, wanted to start working asap, and hated the idea of having more children just to get 'free stuff' didn't wash with him - he was full of 'get that idea out of your head, you're not going out to work' and let's take what we can get, basically.

He was horrible.
I believed he was being honest with me about nearly everything - it turned out there was SO much under the surface. The things he told me that put him in a less favourable light were not open admissions of everything. they were the tip of the HUGE iceberg.

please be careful - yes, he might be genuine, but chances are he is not entirely honest. just keep your wits about you. People (on here and IRL) said to me, he is lying, you're being foolish - I thought 'how dare you say those things - how can you know?'
And they didn't know for sure - but they were right sad

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 08:44:14

But the main thing that stands out to me from your situation, is this:

He is still heavily involved with her.

I don't mean he is shagging her, or living with her or anything like that. I mean he is arguing with her.

this is massive. It is a huge attachment. It is still a relationship - albeit a perverse and dysfunctional one.
He has never walked away from it. He is allowing it, he is engaging with her, and he is not protecting you.

Basically, you are an accessory to their ongoing relationship - they are so deeply entangled that I doubt they will ever be free of each other. They could be - if theywanted to it is easy enough to disengage.

But they choose to be entangled. I would be stepping away till he is genuinely on his own and has very little to do with her - no arguing, no dissing, no upset.
All the time these things are happening, you are very much on the peripheries - you're not very relevant. Its not about you.

Does that make any sense? He is still putting her as his priority in the mental and emotional energy she takes up, because to him, she is more important than you are.

And should you walk away from him I have no doubt he would go straight back to her in the other way as well. He's trying to maintain a three legged relationship, atm, and both of you are necessary...if you get out of it, he will need to go right back to her in every way. He's using you both.

EdithWeston Wed 15-Aug-12 09:02:25

And as the children are teenagers, they'll be exercising their own judgement. I doubt very much she will be "turning them against" anyone. They'll have decided if their Dad's been a shit all by themselves.

He doesn't want you to meet them at all, but if you do and if they start telling home truths about their father's walkout he wants you to think a) it's unreliable because of 'mad woman' and b) it's Not His Fault. He knows you don't yet have experience of just how blunt a miserable teen can be, nor how difficult to rein in.

Of course, if you have met them and they, though understandably quite hostile, generally back up what their father says, then you have your first real evidence.

BTW: you do need to ask what the "police involvement" was. Arrests? Cautions? Charges? Do you know him well enough to be sure he doesn't exaggerate for effect?

MorrisZapp Wed 15-Aug-12 09:11:11

I don't see what's wrong with having plans to move in with somebody you've known for 8 months.

It may well be the case that the DP here is a lying loser, but I can't help thinking he's being found guilty on scant evidence.

I just see it as one rule for wives, another for not-wives. Is it ok to fall for your wife and plan to move in after 8 months? Of course it is. But if its a not-wife, 8 months is nothing and you're an idiot to get so involved etc.

Lots of peoples exes are genuinely a nightmare, we see evidence if it every day on here.

I'd advise the OP to be very careful, and to step back from the messy ex stuff. But at the same time, calling people idiots and losers just seems wrong to me.

EdithWeston Wed 15-Aug-12 09:20:36

I think you'll find that no-one would much criticise someone moving in with an unattached man (never married/divorced or at least verifiably separated/widowed).

The snag is here that he was married and living with his wife at the time.

It is never (OK vanishingly rarely) a good idea to move straight from one long term relationship to another. The advice on MN is pretty consistent: if you are unhappy, then leave without involving any third parties, stand on your own two feet for a while, then move on properly.

OP hasn't had the reassurance of a normal courtship, and what her adulterer is telling her is so similar to what adulterers all too often say. This is not (yet) a good basis for co-habitation.

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 09:27:46

Morris, I know what you're saying - and I wouldn't dream of saying this man is an idiot or loser or anything else, for certain. I don't know him or his motives.

The thing I have trouble with is the fact he is still so tied up with his ex wife.

That's something that can't be ignored, he's heavily involved in that relationship still, and therefore to take further steps such as moving in with him and so on will only exacerbate this problem, he will be bringing it with him - he hasn't properly left the ex, yet.

Not in his mind. He is still very attached I think. That for the OP is very bad news and a recipe for disaster as she is being used all this time as an adjunct, as someone to eitehr facilitate his moving on from the ex, or to facilitate his not moving on but continuing to invest in arguing with her.

You don't argue with someone unless you feel it is a worthwhile investment. If you didn't care, or weren't attached to them you just wouldn't bother.

Happylander Wed 15-Aug-12 09:39:54

These posts are just ringing so true about my Ex. My inheritance went, my savings went, I took loans out to cover his debts and pay his solicitors fees from the the first wife all thinking what a horrible woman his first wife was for putting him through everything. He wanted us to move straight in together and we had a baby (happy accident) very very early on. I paid for pretty much everything apart from half the bills.

mathanxiety you are spot on and have clarified a few things in my own relationship with Ex and how it ended so thank you.

OP please listen as these posts are very helpful and I wish I had had this advise when I met Ex as I would have run a mile. I have been on both sides now and I think you should tread very very carefully.

DoingItForMyself Wed 15-Aug-12 09:42:41

This man lived with her for 16 years, has two children with her and yet he has managed to keep your relationship a secret from her for 8 months, but you refuse to believe that he is lying about any of this?!

Its the script. The ex is always a psycho nutter, the marriage is always over, separate beds/no sex (this is usually at about the exact time they are promising the W that they will go to counselling and give it one last shot to try and make the marriage work).

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 09:45:04

Just a quick question. I was the ex wife, he has left me alone now for about a year, since he became a dad again, he spent years after the split at me. I am about to move he hasn't seen the kids in years. Will he stay away or want to know our new address.

MorrisZapp Wed 15-Aug-12 09:51:00

No sex life after 16 years and two kids doesn't sound like a script to me. It sounds like the reality of many, many people's lives, happy or not.

I also don't understand why the DP here is getting slated simply for having plans to cohabit in the future. I wouldn't enter into a relationship at my age with anybody who didn't have cohabitation on their radar for some point in the future.

I understand the points being made here, and I agree with some of them. I guess to an extent I'm playing devils advocate. But you know, change the genders and it all looks v different.

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 09:55:26

MrsJRE, you don't have to give him your new address. You could also ask other people not to - it depends, he might try to find out, but he might not. I wouldn't be handing it to him on a plate though.

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 09:57:10

Morris - it looks no different to me, if you swap the genders around, purely from the fact that the person in question it not detached from their ex spouse and the ex spouse is being mentioned and discussed and fought with all the time.

I'd not think that person was ready to enter into a new relationship at all, whether it was a woman or a man.

wordfactory Wed 15-Aug-12 09:57:23

This man left his DC in the care of an unstable women?
Either he doesn't give a shit about them or he is lying.

piprabbit Wed 15-Aug-12 09:58:25

I am glad that you have found the strength to move on fro your own unhappy marriage. However I strongly feel that you should take some time to be on your own, find out what you really want from life and future partners and adjust to your new situation. Tell your partner that you need him to sort out his own life before you can start building something new together.

At the moment it sounds like you've jumped out of your own unhappy marriage straight into the middle of someone else's unhappy marriage. sad.

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 10:00:12

I am not telling anyone my new address. He would have to work to get it, he is likely personality disordered, in court documents he he saw a psychiatrist after deprestion who diagnosed adjustment disorder, it said after six months it was a personality disorder, he was claiming in court documents years later he was still having treatment. I suspect his therapist got him to leave us alone.

This all sounds like the typical bullshit most men tell their new gf about their wife....
Bet none of it is true, and if it was then why the hell is he letting her look after the children if she is so 'insane'confused

Men like to make up these stories to make the ex the enemy and to excuse their adulterous behaviour

MorrisZapp Wed 15-Aug-12 10:14:21

FiveMonths, life isn't that simple when you have kids together.

My lovely sister has been split from her ex for over ten years, yet he still causes aggro on a regular basis. That isn't because of my sisters failure to disengage, its because she had the misfortune to have a child with a complete idiot.

Even though she was totally over him, her DP after him gave up and left her as he couldn't face the hassle any more.

Her current DP is much more understanding, as he has a child with via nightmare ex too.

Why should people have to remain single because their ex is an arsehole? Would you advise a woman with a dreadful ex not to attempt to move on and find happiness until her ex had stopped causing problems? My sisters DS is a teenager and there's no sign yet of ex getting a grip.

FiveMonths Wed 15-Aug-12 10:16:42

I see what you mean Morris.

Fairenuff Wed 15-Aug-12 10:21:16

Let's be clear here, his wife has not made any threats towards you op.

MorrisZapp Wed 15-Aug-12 10:27:27

Oh bless you fivemonths.

I should say, my sisters ex isn't abusive, he's just a waster. He has alcohol problems, all sorts of problems in fact. I feel sorry for him because his heart is usually in the right place, but he is a world class screw-up. He has ruined so many things that should have been great for my sister. He means well but he hasn't the strength of character to put his DD first, although he loves her with all his heart.

It's the only fly in the ointment of our lovely family life.

Capaccino Wed 15-Aug-12 10:46:34

MorrisZapp.. thank you so much for injecting a little bit of fairness into this thread! I had actually given up on it as it seems that people on here seem to take their own situations and assume that everyone one else on the planet must be similar! Everyone that is going on about money etc etc is barking right up the wrong tree... he is actually quite wealthy and generous and certainly that is in no way part of what is going on here. FiveMonths, whilst I don't agree with much that you say I do see you have a valid point in him still being involved with his ex. To be honest - he has always ignored her constant attempt at arguements since he left. He has been consistent and has never wavered on his message to her - that their marriage is over and he wants to leave. Thing is, with two children, a house to sell, access to sort out etc etc it is actually really impossible to just totally remove himself from the situation. He doesn't want to lose touch with the children, needs to communicate with the ex to get their house sold and finances split.. much easier said than done to not get embroiled in the arguments. I may have caused some misunderstanding on the child abuse... she is not a child abuser.. she just has anger management issues which he has witnessed happening with the children before now. I don't think he thinks his children are at risk.. of course he would not let that happen. Anyway.. thanks again MorrisZapp for pointing out how somehow being a wife seems to put you in a totally different view point than being a new woman..

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 11:01:15

In a hearing where chenge of residence was discussed, funny my exfound every excuse under the sun to not have that happen, he was happy for the kids to live with any extended family member, he couldn't take them on himself, raised eyebrows in court and kids stayed with me, shame judge, barristers, cafcass changed after that.

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 11:04:04

She is crazy, you are scared of her, she is unstable around kids. Now she's not. .. ummm imagination and drama overdrive much?

pinklantern Wed 15-Aug-12 11:17:40

There is absolutely no point in any of us responding to this thread as the OP is in complete self-denial and has even found herself a counsellor who is willing to reinforce that position with the classic 'we are not responsible for other peoples happiness' crap. OP for your information I am not seeing your post through the lense of any previous personal experience I've had, I am not a scorned wife, I've never been the other woman, I'm just a functional happy person with healthy intimate relationships who sees the vast array of red flags you are choosing to ignore. You may perceive that some people have been harsh on this thread but it is only because we don't want you, or your child, to be hurt. Please reflect on what is being said here.

caramelwaffle Wed 15-Aug-12 11:21:13

So your story has completely changed.

As he is so wealthy there should be no issue with him not living at his mothers anymore. He can rent/buy a property completely seperate from his wife, mother and you (somewhere suitable for his children to reside)

Why the certainty and rush about him living in your house? Do you need his money to sustain you after your divorce comes through?

Is there anything actually wrong with living separately and dating for a year or two?

Is the ex wife a danger to their children or not? Should she be investigated and placed under arrest for child cruelty and also harrassment to you? Has she actually communicated with you in any manner?

wordfactory Wed 15-Aug-12 12:00:38

Nope not looking at this through my own situation OP as have been happily married for eons.

But I was a family solicitor for years and have heard all this before....too many times.

Certainly not looking on this from a personal point of view as i have never been a scorned wife.

Fairenuff Wed 15-Aug-12 12:29:05

Me neither but I can see red flags all over this. The only reason is because this version of events is all one sided.

It's extemely niave to think that his version of events is going to be entirely correct. It's just his view, after all.

There is no hard truth here that his wife has said or done anything other than what he has told you op.

And, as has been pointed out, if his facts were entirely true he would not be leaving his children at the mercy of his crazy wife who has anger management problems.

That just does not ring true, whatever kind of spin you put on it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 15-Aug-12 13:35:46

Cappucino - not a new woman, the other woman.

And no, no comparable situation here.

ivykaty44 Wed 15-Aug-12 13:44:06

why would someone that loves you tell you about threats that are so far unfounded - why wouldn't he have gone to the police instead and reported these threats rather than tell you? He knows you live alone with a 5 year old and he knows this will create a fear in you - are you sure that this woman has made these threats to him? Are you sure that over 14 years ago this woman stalked a previous gf?

Margerykemp Wed 15-Aug-12 13:57:43

If you are only a few months in, don't live together and aren't pregnant I think you should just leave. Don't wait until you have ties to this man.

If he is really serious about you he can wait until he is divorced, sorted access and has a new residence. If he can't wait he's just after sex an easy shag.

Capaccino Wed 15-Aug-12 14:28:00

Yes we can do all of that... and I suppose deep inside that's what I know we need to do. To be honest - I think he would rather take a step back and sort his divorce out... if anything it is me that wants to move things on. I love him and have a number of people around me who are dying.. makes me see great value in happiness and not wasting time. I can picture the life I want - but know I need to accept that despite not really seeing why not, one is not always in control of their life as there are always others involved. I know his preferred route is to not involve me in his divorce since the marriage was over before I came along.. he doesn't want my arrival to cloud what had gone on before. I don't have any desire to live alone. Financially.. yes.. him living here would make it possible to keep my house... otherwise I will need to sell and downgrade. Not a huge problem.. I too am financially secure. Neither of us needs the other financially. Will take a leap backwards.. sell my house and be indepenant with my daughter.. he can continue his divorce.. can easily afford to rent a place in the meantime and I guess we take it slowly from there. Impatience on my part is probably what is at play here. Thanks anyway. Do find some comments on here written with quite a nasty tone.. maybe I'm paranoid too!

Fairenuff Wed 15-Aug-12 14:56:36

The thing is Cap, the marriage wasn't over before you came along was it. That's what he's telling you and that's what you want to hear. But, he was still living with his wife.

He cheated on her. He made arrangements to meet with you which he lied about to her. He hid his phone from her, or deleted his messages. He planned and prepared all this. He did that to her.

Two very close friends of mine did the same as you are doing. They were both already married when they met. Unhappliy married but not doing anything about it. They both thought the best option was to cheat and lie.

Eventually they did split from their partners and marry each other and guess what. Both couples struggled massively to trust their partners. They knew what the other had done before and how easily they could do it again.

One of the couples went on to have two children together and their marriage limped on for six years before they finally split. The other couple had three children together and lasted 15 years before he cheated on her and eventually left her for the ow.

Incidentally, he is now telling the ow all about his crazy ex-wife who is trying to take all his money and stop him seeing his kids. The same story he told his ex-wife when he left his first wife for her!

So, yes, this is the script
1) The marriage was over
2) We slept in separate rooms
3) She's nuts
4) She's taking me to the cleaners
5) She's stopping me seeing the children

Also, what are his motives for telling you all this about his wife

1) To make you believe she is crazy (which you do) so that he can discredit everything she says
2) To make you think you need him to protect you from her
3) Well, I can't really think of any reason why he would tell you all that.

You can believe what you want but I would not rush into anything. He needs to extricate himself from this first relationship before he gets involved with you.

MrsJREwing Wed 15-Aug-12 15:01:41

If it helps, the ow like you, now exs second wife is as worn down now as I was. I suspect from court documents he used contact to cheat on her, hotels etc near me, not near her when her blew out kids for contact. Once again cheat always so.

garlicnuts Wed 15-Aug-12 18:56:49

I'm not seeing red flags in the situation you describe, OP, so much in in the single fact that you have posted to a bunch of strangers out of extreme anxiety. Your anxiety was generated by threats your boyfriend made about his wife's possible behaviour.

She hasn't made any threats to you; you've no way of knowing what she's capable of or has done in the past; you don't know her. All you have is his word that she is a severe threat to your safety.

Seeing it written down, doesn't it seem odd to you that you've become so scared of a woman you've never met or (afaik) spoken to? How was this anxiety generated in you? It looks very like manipulation to me, and a malicious form of it too.

Halfling Wed 15-Aug-12 19:02:21

Is there a script somewhere that all the cheating twunts follow? Because it looks like the OP's partner has gotten hold of it and he is playing his role to a tee.

OP, either you are utterly deluded or you and your partner totally deserve each other.

wordfactory Wed 15-Aug-12 19:16:46

OP reading your most recent post that it is you who is hurrying things along, I'm wondering if he has told you all of this stuff about his wife to put the brakes on.

I just can't see many motivations for telling you all this that are in your interest IYSWIM.

mathanxiety Wed 15-Aug-12 19:18:47

'Quite wealthy'?

But living with his parents..
Have you seen his bank accounts?

I know his preferred route is to not involve me in his divorce since the marriage was over before I came along ..
His preferred route is to keep you quiet ecause he may be liable for his wife's legal costs if adultery is cited, because what he has done with you constitutes unreasonable behaviour since a marriage is over when the courts say it is and not before...

^ he doesn't want my arrival to cloud what had gone on before^
He doesn't want to have your presence known to his wife as it would backfire spectacularly on him financially if she could prove you were on the scene before he divorced.

No doubt someone has told her he has a girlfriend and no doubt she now has what she needs for her solicitor to press ahead and take him to the cleaners. He is probably shitting himself. Hence the lies he has told you about her behaviour and state of mind.

You and your rational mind have parted company.

wordfactory Wed 15-Aug-12 19:24:25

OP I've just re-read your OP and I see now that this man has told you that his wife behaved like a maniac towards his previous girlfriend and that police had to be involved.

Is that really likely? That this man set up a home and had DC with such a woman? That this man lived for 16 years with such a woman? That he has left his DC with such a woman?

startlife Wed 15-Aug-12 19:31:01

I think the comments here may appear harsh but I believe they have been given out of genuine concern. Please do reflect on them.

The red flag for me is your need to not live alone and to rush this relationship. 8 months is no time at all and I just can't believe you know this man. I was in a similar position to you - single mum with a young daughter when I met DH, he had been separated a while and his ex was in the process of remarrying.

Despite falling for DH I made sure I took time to let the relationship develop - why the rush? It usually takes 2 years to know someone, there is no shortcut, time is essential as you need to go through the relationship stages - you are in the honeymoon stage and will be for at least a year.

Please don't rush this - you are in danger of making a mistake and your dd will be at a vulnerable age - completely aware of what has happened. I don't think you should move in together until his divorce is completely finalised.

mathanxiety Wed 15-Aug-12 19:44:29

I agree with WordFactory here -- the speed at which you want to so forward has necessitated the tales about the wife because open adultery will cost him.

AmberLeaf Wed 15-Aug-12 19:48:08

Oh please. You have fallen for some of the oldest tricks in the book and for that I feel a bit sorry for you.

However the proud way in which you describe what you have done I can't quite work out? Is it naievity? Because you are the other woman and you 'partner' is someone elses husband.

You are seriously deluding yourself.

I expect your lovers wife is probably quite nice really espite the shit he's telling you.

Have a read of the relationship board here and familiarise yourself with 'the script' then dig your head out of the sand.

LineRunner Wed 15-Aug-12 19:50:02

My Ex's adultery didn't cost him financially - I hionestly don't think it's relevant in divorce coursts any more - but he was embarassed to admit to his parents that he'd left me and the children for someone else, so he did The Script.

He even told my family The Script.

OP, I agree abaout the red flags here. This isn't going to end well for you, sadly.

Halfling Wed 15-Aug-12 20:13:50

Oh and your partner surely deserves a medal for being the sacrificing, silent husband of an abusive cunt of a wife for 16 whole years. I mean who does that really!

And I am sure he is filing for the PR of his children, being such a saint and all. Surely he can't allow his beloved DC to stay with that scary abusive wife of his. He should have ample evidence to prove her abuse in court, doesnt he.

And you being the lovely woman that you are can then play happy families with him and his DC. Problem solved.

TalHotBrunette Wed 15-Aug-12 20:26:50

Oh dear. A few more kids down the line and you are going to be the crazy ex, you know this right? You can't play happy families with someone who already has a family, this is what happens.

LineRunner Wed 15-Aug-12 20:30:33

He didn't just leave his wife, you know. He walked out on his own children. He's having to tell his family, his friends, his work colleagues a whole load of shit stuff to explain away that particular character flaw.

'My wife is nuts' is the laziest one of all.

I am speaking from experience here, I'm afraid, but... she probably will hate you, and she will have good reason to hate you, in her head.
Whether the marriage was crap or not, it was her life. Her reality. She woke up every morning knowing who and where she was, in the family, and in society, even if it wasn't ideal.
Now, because of the relationship you have with her husband, her life has blown up in her face. Yet she will be expected to 'be strong', 'get over it', 'move on'. I have no doubt that she will do exactly that, but it won't happen in only 8 months.
Take someone's identity, they can go a bit crazy, because they are literally 'not themselves' any longer.
Sorry if harsh. Just another point of view to consider.

bloodyfurious Wed 15-Aug-12 21:13:57

Dhs ex has never forgiven him fOr leaving her - despite her 2 year affair and years of telling him to get out.

She simply didn't think about what life would be really like - she also didn't factor in OM being a complete tosser.

She hates dh with a passion as she believes he defied her by insisting on seeing dscs (according to them). She sees the court orders put in place as her losing (again according to children).'

In about a months time, I am going to post our epic story.

You'd have to live it to believe it really - I cannot still believe that someone can be so cruel to their own children and oblivious to the pain they cause some and refuse to take any responsibility for the consequences of their own actions.

I was told by many a mumsnetter dh must have done something, he was lying, etc, despite the evidence

P.S. that doesn't mean she is going to harm you, but she has every right to be cross. Of course, you should stay alert in case of any adverse behaviour on her part, but you shouldn't really be too surprised that she is raving angry.

bloodyfurious Wed 15-Aug-12 21:15:39

Despite the evidence of my own eyes and ears, but the events of the last few months have completely proved that the woman is absolutely beneath contempt and capable of sinking to depths normal people wouldn't think of - and use her children dreadfully in the process.

It only poisons you if you can't let go, doesn't it Furious ? She should work on it for her own sanity, cos it is a crap life being so bloody angry and obsessed with someone who no longer features in your life.
Life is complicated smile

That sounded patronising. Sorry. It is a bloody maze though.

bloodyfurious Wed 15-Aug-12 21:27:10

I totally agree - I've always promised the DSCs that if she ever mellowed dh/dh and I (whichever combination was required) would just be politeness personified - they don't need it from both sides.

However the things she has done of late have put paid to that - neither of us will ever breathe the same air as her.

I cannot believe what she has done, I really can't - something absolutely dreadful has happened (to us) and she has used it and twisted it to her own ends and to finally get her own way.

I am tied from speaking out for legal reasons - but I won't be forever.

She is a disgusting specimen of a woman and I am very glad I trusted my own instincts and listened to my beloved DH and not the combined wisdom of Mumsnet who refused to believe anyone could actually be that bad.

(in all fairness though DH didn't bad mouth her - it was what I saw/heard with my own eyes/ears and what the DSCs said as well as their behaviour).

mathanxiety Wed 15-Aug-12 21:36:27

Your situation sounds horrible Furious, but the OP here has absolutely nothing but the word of this man to go on. Not one bit of evidence.

bloodyfurious Wed 15-Aug-12 21:41:59

Math yes you are probably right - I'm as reading the advice being given and it was the same things said to me - but I saw what she was like for myself and also the way she treated DCs.

There are many similarities - dh stayed - even when she was running about with OM for the DCs. Their relationship was abusive - and like many victims of emotional abuse he didnt feel able to/have strength to leave.

But there are also differences I guess.

bleedingheart Wed 15-Aug-12 21:44:51

Whilst I agree that the OP should proceed with caution and the script appears to be in evidence, I am a bit uncomfortable with the comments suggesting that the DP must be lying about the abusive behaviour because he didn't leave sooner. There are many, many threads on here where women have stayed in deeply flawed and abusive relationships and they don't get flamed for it, so why is a man expected to be different?
Like I say, the DP's story seems suspect but I think it is unfair to imply that men automatically leave abusive relationships.

bloodyfurious Wed 15-Aug-12 21:47:23

bleeding yes that struck a chord with me - dh didn't leave, he was emotionally and financially abused for a bloody long time.

When he did go it was with literally nothing.

I do wonder why he told OP about her threats. If he is a strong, alpha-type male, I would question his motives for doing so. But if he is the victim of domestic violence, it would appear he is genuinely afraid of her. I think Capaccino would really do well to find out. How could she find out from an independent source what the woman is really like?

Halfling Wed 15-Aug-12 22:26:52

bleeding and bloody, point taken. Many women on MN have been in abusive relationships for several years. But how many of them ran away from their abusive partners without their DCs?

If you are in an abusive relationship, the well being of your DC is your primary concern. Then why has the OP's lovely partner allowed his DCs to be in the care of an unstable and dangerous woman?

Instead he has had an affair while still married to his wife and living in the same house as her. And then left her as well as the DC to be with the OW. Doesn't add up.

bloodyfurious Wed 15-Aug-12 22:38:58

Dh left DCs because he had no money and nowhere to go - plus the girls had been conditioned to think their dad was useless. He also believed they would be better off with their mother because he was useless and they would be better off with their mother they would never have left her - see the pattern.

Dh was the house cashpoint.

There does seem to be a lack of understanding about the impact on male victims. Society does not support men who wish to leave abusive relationships.

Gunznroses Wed 15-Aug-12 22:53:28

Have Been following this very interesting and informative thread. Just to add to bloodyfurious last post, OP said this man is "wealthy" so definitely has many options of where to go.

I do agreed there is a lack of understanding when it comes to male victims generally but im finding it hard to agree alongst with others here that this man is indeed the victim, until this is established the advice can only be for OP to be more cautious and not to believe everything. The only victim so far sounds like the wife, with the OP being next if she's not careful.

complexo Thu 16-Aug-12 22:52:34

So, any updates OP? have you been thinking and asking questions about your relantionship or has the wife threatened you directly?

Natashak Thu 16-Aug-12 23:36:01

my ex used to hit me call me names i was with him 3 years i did stay because he is my daughters dad. he did say that he wont see his daughter unless i stay single ect. not long after i ended it i fell for someone who i became very close to we are now together and have been for just under a year so i did get with the other guy quickly. i know its not the same but its a bit simlar.
woaman can also be evil and abusive and men can be just as vaubrable as woman.

LineRunner Thu 16-Aug-12 23:42:14

I think in the OP's case, though, she hasn't seen it for herself. It has been relayed to her by her partner.

zookeeper Thu 16-Aug-12 23:47:47

I think that whatever else is going on he remains far too involved with his ex for your relationship to have a healthy start. My advice would definitely be to run for the hills.

Natashak Fri 17-Aug-12 11:05:55

also the person i am with now was a friend and he gave me the courage i needed to leave. i was a mess so if this woman is as evil as your partner says then he will need help. it took me a while to detach myself from my ex not becuase i loved him but i thought i did.

woman can abuse men but it seems this is sometimes forgotton. you dont have any reason not to belive him. people do go through the seprate bed stage ect before they break up.

just keep your guard up a bit give yourself a bit of security.

try and talk to the ex aswell as of cause there is always two sides to a story. my partner spoke to my ex he didnt addmit everything but he admitted some things. this may help but if she as the evil woman that he makes out she will have a script and she will try her best to stick to it. xx

Cappacino - my friend's ex husband told his new partner a similar story to the account of details you are hearing. He told the new partner his wife was basically unhinged, wouldn't let him go etc.
The truth was that she wanted him out because he had been surfing and texting porn sites (and possibly more, she never did find out) whilst seeing OW.

I am not suggesting your partner is like this, but I would say, as many others have, keep your guard up.

mysteriouslady Fri 17-Aug-12 11:21:57

Know what gets me about this thread - if a woman says she is a victim of DV/emotional abuse - we automatically believe - when it's a man, we automatically question.

EdithWeston Fri 17-Aug-12 14:00:04

I think I believe there are questions to be answered here because she only has his word to go on, and it is so easy to see why he might have other motivations.

It's not clear of OP has met his children, or has been to his mother's house, or has much to do with his family and friends. Any or all of those could provide an important cross-check on what he is telling her.

I think it would be useful to OP to know more about what she is dealing with. For if it is someone who poses a genuine threat, she needs to think about protecting herself. If it is not as presented, she needs to think about the future of this relationship before committing to cohabitation.

And the general wisdom, about establishing oneself independently, ending the marriage definitively and letting the dust settle, before moving on (and moving in) would seem to apply to his circumstances as described.

caramelwaffle Fri 17-Aug-12 14:40:38

Especially as the OP has a five year old daughter to raise and protect: excellent post Edith

lilachair Fri 17-Aug-12 17:33:16

Can I just add a 'run for the hills as fast as you can' please?

I fell for The Script. I was very young and just out of another abusive relationship. He was in a position of authority and also very generous.

My STBEx was married for 13 years to an 'abusive' woman who once threatened him with a knife (heard about that a lot). He was also sleeping in the spare room (he bloody wasn't) and the marriage was over (just his wife wasn't aware of this).

He moved in with me after just a few months. We were together 13yrs.

He slowly turned into the most emotionally abusive control freak you could imagine. I know why she threatened him with a knife. I wished I could sometimes.

He is now calling me a lunatic, (imagine his bad luck to marry TWO nutters, poor fella...) and has written such nasty lies in his divorce petition (yep, he is divorcing me for unreasonable behavior, namely finally telling him to fuck off...) that even my solicitor says he's rarely seen the like. So I am also the terrible ex taking him to the cleaners *ticks another box for him*

Please believe everybody that is shouting Red Flag at you? Save yourself and your little girl the heartache.

Mysterious, good point. I would like to say that I was not negating that DV towards men happens, but just condsidering that the OP appears to be citing information given to her by her partner, or rather, is not clear that she is speaking from first-hand experience of the situation regarding his wife/children.

Unfortunately there are men (and women!) out there who will twist their version of events regarding their marriage/relationship in order to win the sympathy of someone, in order to enter into a new and more convenient relationship....until they get bored/feel they are not getting enough attention/feel that they are losing control, at which point, history repeats. Lila's post above illustrates this.

I am not saying that this is the case regarding this situation. I am saying that one of my friends has been in a similar situation. Sadly it appears, this is not uncommon.

Cappacino, please be careful. 7 months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things; I would suggest that you see if there is any way to confirm the information you're being given. Sorry if that sounds a little harsh.

mysteriouslady Sat 18-Aug-12 10:59:15

TBF DH never said he had been abused, he was so down trodden - he didn't even realise it himself. It was only over time - seeing how she behaved, listening to DCs and observing his behaviour - emotionally he was terrified of her.

She had him visiting his DCs in FMH - while she sat in same room
with OM - when he said he'd like to see them alone - she had a hissy fit and started screaming at the dCs - threatening to throw them out (this was over phone - they were sobbing in the background).

I've never witnessed anyone be so cruel to their own children - but they didn't want to leave her - she's their mum and whatever she does they love her - the middle one did walk out, so she threw their be away and packed all their belongings in black bags.

mysteriouslady Sat 18-Aug-12 11:00:17

This has left other DCs cowtowing to her - the youngest puts up with all sorts and has Said she is scared - if she stands up to mum, mum will stop loving her too.

MrsJREwing Sat 18-Aug-12 11:09:28

I didn't know I had been abused either, others pointed it out to me and it took a couple of years to realise the full extent of the abuse.

Feckbox Sat 01-Sep-12 03:28:08

I agree with Morris.

Those of you mentioning "the script" . Has it occurred to you that the reason so many people ( Men AND women) say their marriage is over , we sleep in separate beds, my ex is an unstable nutter, is because it's TRUE? I totally get that it's not always true , but it often is.

Just look round mumsnet. It's full of people saying this, who are still stuck with their partners. No one says " i don't believe you, you are just following the script"

I know a couple VERY well ( in my close family) . She was the most vile toxic person towards her husband that I have ever met. Anyone who knew them thought the same. She was actually a decent enough person to everyone else but was a demanding bully to him. He tied himself in knots trying to make her happy , to no avail. They were very religious and he vowed to stick it out forever for their kids.

They had been married for about 16 years when he met someone else at work, also in a very unhappy marriage , and got the guts to leave. Ex wife went into overdrive and did her very best to alienate their children from their father. It was a terrible few years for the husband. he eventually divorced her and has been married to his second wife for 5 years and is incredibly happy. Ex wife still tries to stick the boot in wherever possible.

On mumsnet you will find overwhelming criticism of a situation where a man leaves his wife for another woman. In this real life example everyone who knew them thought "good on you. About time too "

it can and does work out.

OP, proceed with caution and good luck.

EmmaNemms Tue 04-Sep-12 18:57:02

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and, according to received wisdom, did it all wrong. Both in unhappy marriages, both convinced we were stuck there forever. Met, thought we could just ignore it and carry on as though it hadn't happened. We couldn't. The fallout was awful but everyone is settled now, we moved in together immediately, i was pregnant (planned, because i was 41), 6 months later and now have a 5 year old daughter together and my older children have said to me (but not their dad) that they think it was the best outcome for everyone. Even their dad, they can see he is happier as a single man. My husband's ex wife has remarried happily. Perhaps we should have both separated, lived on our own for two years and then got together. It may have meant less criticism. But to be frank, I had spent enough of my life in an emotional wilderness and I didn't fancy squandering another few years to keep everyone else happy. My husband's ex-wife had been emotionally abusive to him, partly, I suspect because she was not happy either.

I don't feel particularly proud of how things happened but life is messy. I am apparently now likely to walk out on this husband in due course for an updated model but i can tell you that I have never felt so happy and totally in love in all my life. We put eachother first and guard our relationship carefully because we know how easy it is for things to unravel when you take eachother for granted.

That's all really.

MyNeighbourIsStrange Tue 04-Sep-12 19:03:20


MyNeighbourIsStrange Tue 04-Sep-12 19:04:31

oops. Deluded people can be abusive and deluded or a victim and deluded.

wilkos Wed 12-Sep-12 16:16:51

my stbxh told me that his first wife was a nutjob who had been abusive towards him and his DS, "poor man" I thought, "he is so lovely his wife has been so horrible towards him - I must marry him immediately!"

6 years down the line we are divorcing because of his unreasonable behaviour (financially controlling, violent, emotionally abusive towards me in front of our kids)

and guess what? he is busy telling all his friends and his new girlfriend that I am a nutjob who has been abusive towards him and our DC...

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