Ex-wife and my wages

[StepMum2Be]

DH is currently at the financial settlement stage of divorce. They are processing their paperwork in order to try and agree on a settlement. DH pays his ex child maintenance currently at a figure they agreed on separation. There is some money involved, equity in the house and two children. She has never worked, or at least very little. Even before the children i'm told work wasn't on her list of priorities. The children are now at sixth form and secondary school, no reason whatsoever she couldn't hold down a full time job (or at least nearly full time). I've always worked and now have a fairly responsible and well paid job. She will not be hard up by any stretch of the imagination after divorce but her latest communication states that as we're in a long term relationship then my salary needs to be factored into the figures (i.e. she gets more money from him). We don't live together full time, I have my own apartment to pay for, bills, council tax, etc. I live with him every weekend and we split food costs. We have his kids EOW and I split costs with him for that. He pays his bills, I pay mine. Am I being unreasonable to want to tell her to foxtrot oscar, is this fair? I'm expecting to be slated by some for this but would appreciate your points of view.

[donajimena]

I was in a similar situation and my wages weren't taken into consideration whatsoever. She can ask for whatever she wants but she won't necessarily get it.
I know its galling but stay out of it. There is so much I would have liked to say to the ex wife but it wasn't my place.
It all worked out ok in the end but each party will tell you they were hard done by!

[JanuaryMoods]

Foxtrot Off are the exact words. Cheeky cow.

[Ellisandra]

She's not making it up from nowhere.
It's a pretty grey area.
When deciding on a financial split, a court looks at the needs of both parties. e.g. housing needs.

A husband who now has to rent a 2 bed flat (to have room for the children) has a higher financial need to do that, than a husband who is now living rent free with another woman in a committed relationship.

I know you don't live together full time! And neither of those situations describes your husband. But I wanted to illustrate the difference situations a court might be looking at.

So - no I personally don't think your situation should make any difference. But I can see why she thinks it might.

[WatchingFromTheWings]

I'd be telling her to fuck right off. Your finances are nothing to do with her.

[HeddaGarbled]

Legally, you can't tell her to fuck right off. The financial settlement will be based on 1. Need 2. Earning capacity.

If your partner needs less to set up a home because you can partially fund it, then his "need" is less than hers.

Her earning capacity has been affected by her years of not working. She will probably never earn as much as him now, returning to work this late in life, so she needs more of the equity.

Presumably it was your partner who told you that she was a lazy work-shy sponger (aka mother of his children who sacrificed her financial independence because she thought they were in this marriage and children thing together forever).

[Orangebird69]

If you both rent your own separate homes I can't see how your wages can be considered?

[WatchingFromTheWings]

You don't live together, and each own your own properties. Staying at his on the weekend is not the same as living together. No way would I be providing her with your financial details. You most certainly can tell her to F off!

[Chimpfield]

I was in exactly the same situation with my now DH - my wages could not be taken into account as I could prove I had my own home and paid council tax etc - tell her to go forth and multiply!!!

[heidiwine]

I don't think you are under any obligation to declare your income especially because you're not living together.
I think that if you were living together your income might be relevant simply because your contribution to you and your partners household may reduce your partners costs (I don't know this though).
Personally I think this is crazy but that's my opinion. I'm a second wife and the first wife has not worked for almost 15 years (divorced for 11 of those). It's not a choice I would make but it is her choice. If I was ever asked to declare my income so that DHs ex could ask for more money from him I would probably burst a blood vessel with rage. I did not choose to marry her or have children with her and I am not responsible for maintaining her. That said, if for some reason DH was unable to financially support his children I would step up and provide as much as I could (and I would expect his ex to do the same).

[WiseUpJanetWeiss]

You don't have to declare your income even if you are living together.

If you don't declare your income and you are living together it will be assumed that you are contributing half to the household bills, therefore he needs only to pay half of them. This theoretically leaves more for SM (which she may get for a short time) and he theoretically needs less of the equity.

However as you demonstrably live somewhere else and could at a moment's notice leave your DP, it's difficult to see how a court could view your current contribution to his household (food only it seems, not mortgage and utilities?) as secure.