He gets to play the innocent wounded one

(15 Posts)
NewDayNewBeginnings Fri 18-Nov-16 19:55:46

Aarghh... He treated me badly for years, he had chances and chances to help us stay together. I finally get the courage to do something about it and leave.

I'm the one that had had to move out, in the one having to fine a new place, I'm the one with all the upheaval and having to sort everything out.

He just gets to play the... Well you did decide to leave me card whenever it suits him... Like I just woke up one day and decided to leave for no reason at all.

Don't even know of I make any sense but I've had a crap day and I feel like crap.

jeaux90 Fri 18-Nov-16 22:19:39

Yep when I left my abusive narc ex he played the victim too. Just relish your freedom and laugh at his stupid behaviour. Well done for moving on xxx

blueistheonlycolourwefeel Fri 18-Nov-16 22:22:18

I was the third woman to leave my now exH. He STILL maintains that he's a lovely bloke and he's never done anything wrong....
Sure must have dreadful taste in women!! wink

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 19-Nov-16 07:07:37

Regardless of why they leave they love playing the victim. My ExH had an affair and refused to stop seeing OW, yet he was still the victim of me breaking up the marriage,
Over time people will realise and you know the truth in your heart.

Hermonie2016 Sat 19-Nov-16 16:26:32

My husband issued a divorce petition as he has to have control, yet blamed me.

I think being unable to take responsibility is a sign of an unsafe person.

CaptainM Sun 20-Nov-16 08:00:10

Sounds so familiar! My narc stbxh is also now victim, even in the eyes of my young dcs who think it's unfair that I'm asking daddy to leave the house. He also hid our marriage certificate and ended up filing for the divorce.

Your loved ones will always know you're honest and for the others, I stand with:

"What other people think of you is none of your business. If you start to make it your business, you’ll be offended for the rest of your life." - Deepak Chopra

LeopardPrintSocks1 Sun 20-Nov-16 08:05:07

Yep. I kicked mine out a couple of months ago because he assaulted me in front of my kids. Yet I'm the crazy, depressed, mentally ill one. He always has a sad look like he's the victim. Just rise above it.

Dee1477 Mon 28-Nov-16 14:57:50

Omg I'm going through this at the minute, he truly has been awful to live with. I plucked up the courage to leave 3 years ago but he said he'd get counselling etc. He never did and here we are again . He is telling everybody I'm the bad one I'm choosing to leave him and all he's ever done is provide for me I'm ungrateful. The thing is im financially dependent on him he's filed for divorce today. I'm so bloody low at the mo I can't wait for this to be over.

StefCWS Mon 28-Nov-16 15:02:37

dnt worry its normal, my ex fiancé was a nasty drunk but only away from everyone else. When I left him he actually lied and told all his family id cheated (not that he had beaten me black and blue )

when I told a few people what he had done all I heard off them was " really, he doesn't seem like that at all"
Bye bye ex, his new wife beats him up (karma) and ive got a lovely partner now

DinxP Mon 28-Nov-16 17:10:40

Men not taking responsibility for their part in the relationship breakdown seems to be pretty common on here - I've had 4 years of him being miserable at home, threatening to leave, not leave, wanting to move house, change career, re-train, etc., but never following through on anything - as well as never being home or wanting to take part in family things. He's happy chappie outside of the home, but can barely be civil to me. The uncertainty of it all put me on anti-depressants, but this year I said enough was enough, decide what it is that will make you happy, appreciate what you've got and put in some effort..... I want to be the old couple walking along holding hands!!! Instead he has said 'We are better off apart' I agree with Dee1477 - I've had a very low weekend and can't wait for it to be over; finances sorted and divorce done, but it's going to be a long wait. We're still in the same house, I'm showing him how to cook, clean, etc ready for his new life.....it's doing my head in, I think it would've been far easier if he'd had an affair and gone!

Dee1477 Mon 28-Nov-16 17:39:37

DinxP about the affair thing I think that all the time! I know he's gonna try his best to make this as hard as possible, I'm a stay at home mum but named on the mortgage so I'm not sure I'll get any help re benefits. Today he's decided I'm messing with his head he can't cope like this for much longer. He really truly believes he's not the bad person. He sees he's done no wrong. Twice he has had our eldest daughter up against a door shouting and spitting in her face for sticking up for me, and when she slammed the door on him he kicked it off the hinges. But no he doesn't have anger issues!!

DinxP Mon 28-Nov-16 18:07:10

Gosh, Dee1477 that's not sounding a very safe situation. 'He's not a bad person' and 'he sees he's done no wrong' echo here. I only work part time, we have 3 children & I was home when they were younger; everything we have is in joint names - I think I will be able to claim working tax credit, but not until he leaves, which he has no intention of doing until the house is sold - whenever that is. Try looking on the Citizens Advice website to see what you might be able to claim. I've got myself really low with all the comments he has been making to me & the difficult atmosphere here, I'm trying some Kalms to see if they will help! Also having trouble with feeling sick too and that's made me not eat - I'm now treating it like morning sickness and having little and often, which helped me when I was pregnant - and I do think it's helping now. I guess the only thing you can do is try and avoid each other as much as possible, all the emotions are just too hard - I hate what he's done to us, sometime I feel sorry for him, sometimes I miss what we used to have - I've even bloody cried cos he was doing his own ironing and I can't do it any more cos he's not part of my family!!! But we've got to find a way through this, because we will always have to speak to each other because of the children.

Dee1477 Mon 28-Nov-16 18:43:42

Yes I know exactly how you feel! I hate seeing him making his own tea. I am still doing his ironing I just do it when I'm doing the kids and mine. I worry about how he will cope as he doesn't like being alone.
I was going to go to the Dr as I've been feeling really anxious, I never thought to try kalms I might give them ago. I have spoken to CAB a few times they haven't been able to help, but I have a meeting with my local council on Monday to discuss things. He won't leave either, he said I can go as I've made the decision.
I have no family except a brother and he is trying to remain impartial as he sometimes relies on my ex for work.
Everybody I speak to can't believe what I'm saying they all think he's amazing one even said I should think myself lucky to have him!!
He watched his dad treat his mum like dirt hit her throw things at her call her names etc, and she is backing him up telling me I should just put up with it basically. I think this is why he thinks it's normal behaviour 😕

RonaldMcDonald Tue 29-Nov-16 00:46:09

Dee
Have a non molestation order taken out against him so that he can't enter the house again and abuse you or your child
I'm so sorry x

Jr567673 Tue 29-Nov-16 13:06:48

So glad I've found this thread! My husband left nearly 4 months ago saying he was unhappy with everything. Then said he didn't love me and wanted a quick divorce and wanted to sell the house. We have a 17 month old son together. He has been absolutely vile to me with continued threats to sell the house from under me (I know he can't) refusing to help with the baby, threatening social services and to drag me through court. However, he has since found out that there's no such thing as a quick divorce and he needs to provide a roof over our heads and can't just make us homeless. He has also found out that money doesn't stretch far and had ran out. He filed for divorce less than 2 months after he left saying that he thought that was what I wanted. We attended mediation and he blew up twice when he found out I'd been dating. His attitude was so bad the mediator separated us and thought that I'd kicked him out! He can't handle it when things don't go his way and can't accept the fact that he can't get a mortgage on his own. I've pulled mediation now as I don't think it will work because he blows up when he hears things he doesn't like or someone disagrees with him. He's made such a mess of this and I'm pretty sure he regrets it all but has made the situation that bad that he can't come back. He will never admit when he's wrong and even when found out he just lies to cover it! I can't believe I married this man... we were together for 16 years since school. Problem is he's never had it rough and mummy and daddy have always sorted things out for him and now they can't. He told his mum that any conversation she had with me to write everything down! We fell out the other night as he wanted to talk but wouldn't listen to me so flounced off like a drama queen shouting he'll speak to his solicitor (which he can't afford)...he is completely stressed out and looks awful and is so hostile. I asked if he was happy now? He asked why I was bothered so said that he wasn't happy with a family so wondered if he was happy without one?

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