Divorcing your carer

[YeOldMa]

My DD became disabled when she was pregnant and needs quite a bit of help so about 3 years ago, her DH became her carer and she has assistance from a PA. Before that, I was helping her. This has not been the greatest success because quite often goes out or plays video games so forgets to help with taking her drinks. She has good days and bad days depending on her hormone levels, the weather, etc. Throughout their parenting there have been troubles about style and he had to undertake a second parenting course because he just didn't seem to understand the concept of positive parenting. My DD has so often tried to stress the importance of routine and put in place various things in the way of stickers, earning treats by tokens, etc but he just isn't interested. He shouts a lot, has unreasonable expectations of what he expects of my DGC and will hype her up before getting angry with her for not calming down immediately when he's had enough. Just lately he has started smacking her on a daily basis. My DD just can't bear to watch it anymore and has suggested that they split but he has said that he will take my DGC as he's not disabled. As I understand it, my DD can't be discriminated against for her disability and could get help with caring for her daughter but I'm not sure how that would work.
Now my DGD can dress herself, is at school full-time and is more self sufficient, my DD can cope much better than she could when DGC was a baby.
I am worried at the moment because he has threatened to take DGC with him and I don't know how my DD could stop him. I am also worried that without anybody keeping an eye on him when he has custody, his temper will get the better of him.
From a SIL point of view, I can't fault him and I do feel sorry for him that he took on a healthy partner who fell apart when they had a baby. He is under a lot of stress and is basically good person who has been brought up to think that smacking is what you do. In his family, when they say jump, you jump even if you've been left home for 20 years! My DD says that without the child, they get on well but his attitude towards their child, is just killing everything. My DD's father had a temper so she is more sensitive to this but I have heard the way my SIL behaves towards my DGC when he thinks I can't hear him and he does sound very bullying.
Any advice?

[CaesiumTime]

Bumping this.

Sorry I can't offer any advice, sounds like a very difficult situation.

[Janey369]

Maybe you could get this moved to Relationships? It's a lot busier there and hopefully someone can help with some practical advice

[dangermouseisace]

Hmm if there was any sort of custody arguments they would look at who had been the main carer for the child, and who could best meet the wellbeing of the child.

It sounds like your DD's husband is getting abusive towards your granddaughter. That kind of parenting is universally seen as unhealthy. Your daughter sounds like she's been trying to actually nurture your granddaughter, it's sad that her husband won't take that on. And worrying.

Can your DD manage to parent with practical support? She sounds like she's more able to meet the emotional needs of your granddaughter. Are you able to help out at all?

Just because someone is disabled doesn't mean they are automatically ruled out. I've met people who are physically disabled and needed daily support with their own needs, who also had disabled children who needed support, and they managed to have sole custody of their children. I've got health problems and have periods when I am not able to look after my kids, but it has been seen that the kids are better off with me rather than their 'healthy' father. It's all about having support in place, contingency plans etc.

[YeOldMa]

Thank you for your answers. I think my DD could cope with help, it is just helping her to take that step.