Need some firm words of encouragement

(3 Posts)
minxthemanx Mon 07-Nov-16 11:42:36

looong story which I won't go over again. Summary, difficult marriage for years, suspect DH has Aspergers but not diagnosed. Two DS both have had serious medical conditions. DS1 is 15 and very, very feisty. Have asked DH several times over the years to separate, but has refused. loads of counselling, he is unable to empathise or understand anyone else so didn't help. FINALLY, have got him to agree to move out, as tension in house is horrendous, awful rows between him and DS1 all the time. DS 2 has epilepsy and has actually asked to go to hospital to get away from home. DH has agreed, reluctantly, to go and stay at his mother's house during the week, here at weekends. Don't start flaming me - he works a lot at the weekends and goes to hockey, so isn't around much anyway. This is the only way I could get him to go - failing that it was me move out with the kids. We are going to talk to the DC tonight and explain. (I think DS1 will have the flags out, but DS2 adores Dad and will be upset.) However. Today I feel shite. I've gone from strong woman, putting the health of the kids and me first, to feeling wracked with guilt. I feel really sorry for DH. He will have a hideous journey to and from work from his mother's house - probably an hour each way. She is not too chuffed about him going there, but I think she understands the strain I've been under and can't carry on like this. He will miss the kids and the dog dreadfully. I feel really sorry for him, he's not a bad person, but shite to live with. Haven't thought through the weekends yet - I think I'll get him to sleep in DS2's room and DS2 can come in with me. Unless you all think that's a terrible idea (he's 10 and does get a bit scared at night in case he has a seizure.) I'm trying to focus on how much calmer the house will be, how much happier I will be, and having a bed to myself - but I still feel guilty and sorry for him. Can someone have a word and get me back on track?

seventhgonickname Wed 09-Nov-16 00:36:40

Well done for getting this far.The guilt seems common to all of us who leave as we have most of the responsibility for any children.
At the weekend can't ds2 share the room with his dad(get a cheap blow up air mattress).I think you need your bedroom just for you,a room with no responsibility where you can relax,augh or cry,seeth with rage etc .
So keep strong,keep in mind the life you're aiming for.I found I made lists,very unlike me,but it helped me to stop feeling overwhelmed.
I'm 5 months out now and have the find that I am calmer and happier than I have been for years and my daughter has adapted too(they really do know more of what is happening than you think).
Just keep strong,wobbles are all part of it after all this is not what any of us imagine when we marry.

minxthemanx Wed 09-Nov-16 19:27:17

Thank you so much for your post. I'm feeing stronger again today, and highly irritated as DH mother is away so he cant start staying down there til Monday. I think I will buy myself some lovely new bedlinen at the weekend to celebrate; personal hygiene has been an issue I've brought up with him many times. I'm still worried that he'll never actually go/keep trying to 'pop in" but will have to be firm. He was out last nIghtfield at a sports dinner; the difference in atmosphere was huge. So much calmer. Did your DH rent somewhere locally?

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