Terrified - any advice on likely outcome?

[MiniPharm]

I'd appreciate advice from anyone with relevant experience...

Background: I've been with DH for 18 years, married for nearly 2. We have 2 DC aged 8 and 4 (both girls). We own a house with a joint mortgage, and have a Declaration of Trust outlining the different sums we put in towards the deposit. We both work - him in an office, me self-employed from home. We earn about the same (me a bit more) and both contribute all our earnings into a joint account. I do more childcare as I finish at 3 to get kids from school - he's usually back around bedtime or later.

My question is: If we split up (initiated by me, nothing horrid going on, just no love left)...how is it likely to end up? Would we have to sell the house or would I have any greater claim on it? Neither of us can afford to buy the other out. Would I get custody of the children? If I wanted to take the kids and move in with my mum nearby, would I be allowed? What should be my first move if I decide to go through with it?

Any thoughts or advice would be really welcome. Thank you

[Bluntness100]

You need to consult a solicitor, but I think You can't be forced to sell the family home until the kids are no longer dependant.

[ImperialBlether]

What kind of space do you need, when you're working at home? Could you have that at your parents'?

If you moved back home, how difficult would it be to move out again?

[ImperialBlether]

Surely he couldn't go for 50-50 when he doesn't get home until they're in bed now?

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

A judge can order you to sell the family home, yes. If that is the only way to split the assets fairly then that is what is most likely to happen. As far as custody goes a court will look to keep the status quo as much as possible. Don't assume 50/50, but don't assume your husband won't want to cut or change his hours so he can do more pick ups.

[MiniPharm]

Would it be a good idea if i started keeping a diary of who does what - in terms of school drop-offs, bedtimes etc? Also, as well as doing less childcare, he has virtually no input in all the family management (arranging dr/dentist appointments for the kids, buying them clothes, food shopping and cooking for kids, arranging playdates, parties, family holidays etc etc). And in school holidays I am always the one who either arranges stuff for the kids to do / or takes time off myself. Is that sort of thing taken into consideration?

[MiniPharm]

Thank you so much for your replies, by the way. I guess i ought to speak to a solicitor

[ImperialBlether]

I think you should, yes. Was the wedding a kind of band-aid situation? It seems odd to marry after so many years together and then split up so soon afterwards.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

Keep a diary if you want to, but don't let it come across as petty or nit-picking as a judge will see straight through it. Your husband could argue that just because he hasn't had to do it before doesn't mean he can't.

Prepare yourself for the worst, think of every argument and counter argument. I know it's pessimistic, but it worked for me.

[NNChangeAgain]

mini For a lot of dads, a separation/divorce is a wake up call, and they do change their work/life balance as they realise that they haven't been the best of dads, or have taken their spouse for granted.

If your H stepped up and was willing to be an equal coparent, would you be willing to do that? Because that would be the best place to start; with the assumption that both of you are equally committed to the DCs.

When in conversation with him, rather than assume that he will continue in the same pattern of work, assume that your separation will require him to change it so he can coparent effectively.

[CaptainM]

Mini, just adding to what everyone has said. If he can do 50:50 and is willing to, it's likely that he'll get that. My STBXH found out about the decision being made based on status quo and changed his work schedule completely. It got pretty petty (and still is) with him, pulling them out of afterschool club, insisting on joining us for everything etc. As far as I know, it doesn't matter that he'd never really been involved in any of the activities you mentioned under family management. He's showing willingness to and is fighting for it! I've made peace with the possibility that he will get 50:50 and have infact, offered it to him (even though I still don't believe it's in the best interest of the children, or that he can sustain it). I run my own business too, and reframing the 50:50 to dream about all the time I can dedicate to growing my business plus much-needed self-care is helping! We're still in very early stages and itv hasn't been easy. Sending you best wishes xx