Dizzy about divorce!!

[DinxP]

My husband of 16 years has decided that we are better off apart. He's probably right, as things have not been good for a long while - I was hoping to sort things out, but it's not to be. We have 3 children-teenagers know the situation, 7 year old doesn't. His actions have so far not matched what he has said - 'putting the children first' became only communicating through our eldest until i pointed out that was wrong; spending 1 hour with the children on his birthday & the rest of the time with his mates; accusations of my taking his money, etc - it's been stressful to say the least; we are all still in the family home, tip-toeing around each other. He says I should have the children, it's wrong to take kids from their mum, but he would 'still like to see them' - although due to work, he can't commit to set times/days. He has no idea how hurtful that sounds. My problem is after 7 weeks he's taken no further steps and has said that I should sort it. In between crying, I've had some estate agents in to value the house; looked up endless things about divorce and got an idea of costs involved if using a solicitor - I just don't know which way to turn. There's a lot of equity in the house, a shared business, and a small inheritance which was mine originally - surprise surprise it's not mine to keep now! I want to be fair, but I want to be in a safe & secure home with the children; I don't think mediation would work-he will just talk round in circles - I am wondering if any on-line packages for divorce/financial settlement are any good, or if I've got to bite the bullet & go to a solicitor? Sorry for the long post - I've no idea what to do & don't know anyone who is divorced to ask for advice.

[meditrina]

Yes.

Bite that bullet, and get proper legal advice.

And tell him he needs to move out, as you agree that the DC can remain with you. And they need to stay put into family home until another arrangement is properly agreed.

[DinxP]

I keep reading that he is as entitled to stay in the home as I am? It's really uncomfortable & I feel sick all the time, but equally the less money wasted now on rent is more towards getting a decent house for me & the children - & something for him. That's why I'm dithering about the solicitor too - £2,500 up to £7,000 to sort a financial settlement - could be the difference between a bedroom each for the children or them having to share in their new home.

[meditrina]

Yes, you can't just throw him out. But you can tell him to leave. He's the one who has said the marriage is over, and so he also needs to see through the actions consequent to that decision.

Whoever is primary carer for the DC should (I think) stay put with them short term. But if he isn't going to go, I or us going to be unco-operative generally, you may as well find out now so you know what you'll have to deal with.

Solicitors fees might well be the thing you simply cannot afford to do without.

And yes, in the longer term it can mean a change (read 'drop') in material circumstances for both adults and for quite a time.

[user1471460711]

I really feel for you, DinxP. I was where you are now, this time last year. Me and the exH had not been getting along for a while. We had been together 20 years and married 11 (2 children). Think we would eventually have split but he accelerated the situation by having an affair. I remember that constant 'sick' feeling. He left the family home and became that 'unrecognisable' person that many people refer to on here e.g. going out all the time and weekends/nights away with the ow, over seeing his children. Lots of things also came to light, namely him secretly saving over £20,000 whilst as a couple we were having a lot of money troubles!
To cut a long story short, I decided to go for divorce and went to see a solicitor, this time last year. I went for a divorce on his adultery, which he didn't contest and last week my divorce came through. I've got the house (think that had something to do with with the money he hid!). My advice - YOU MUST see a solicitor or get legal advice and get him out the home! Also - and I know you can't see it yet - but it gets easier. People on here always say that and my god it's true. I used to read posts on here all the time as I was going through the thick of it and that used to really help. Looking back it really was a doomed relationship, but fast forward to now and I've never been happier. Hindsight is a great thing and we should have separated before it got to the stage it did but hey ho, you live and you learn.
I wish you lots of luck and stay strong and savvy!

[DinxP]

Thanks for your message - I've only just started using mumsnet to try and sort out my feelings and what I should be doing practically. It's really helping - I have got a couple of friends & my sister I can talk to, but I don't really want to bore them to death with it all - plus my sister is just getting over major surgery (and yes husband told me we should separate the week before her op!) . Oddly enough, like you said in your post, he has gone to the pub with his mate this evening...he's been around all day, but hasn't made any time for the children even though I stayed upstairs most of the morning to give him the opportunity to spend time with them. It's just so sad. I actually do all the household bills, banking, etc - earlier this year he signed over shares in his business to me to be more tax efficient (odd to do that when he is now saying he hasn't loved me for 4 years?!) - I do his book keeping and vat returns, so he hasn't squirrelled away any money cos I would have noticed! Unless he's had lots of cash jobs....!! He's made accusations about money, but he knows damn well I've always been very careful with every penny - hence why I am trying to manage the divorce as cost effectively as I can. There's nothing I own that didn't have a 'sale' ticket on it!

[user1471460711]

When we split, we both said we would keep the split as amicable as possible and keep costs down but that didn't happen. Things quickly turned, the kids found out about the affair and wouldn't have anything to do with him, I found out about the money he'd hidden and it all went down hill from there. I was 'raging' to put it politely lol. So solicitors were involved. The whole process began in October 2015 with initial consultations etc and I got my decree absolute this month and it has cost me approx £6000. It's bloody expensive but my solicitor got me everything I wanted so to me it's been worth it. Not sure how much it's cost him but I hope it's a lot because I was always the one who "wasted money".
I really feel for you because you're just starting the whole process. Get a good solicitor and have your free half hour consultation and find out where you stand re the marital home etc then you can get it all straight in your own head. Then just keep your wits about you. There were times when his solicitor was chucking all kinds of rubbish at me that I just felt like giving in and giving up but my solicitor was fantastic, she kept me calm and explained everything in simple terms. I also had a great friend who has had to listen to me go on and on for the last year and a half but she's been there every step of the way as have my mum and dad.
So in a nutshell get a good solicitor and gather your closest friends and family round you for support. You'll soon be where I am - keep your chin up, have a glass of wine 🍷

[Blobby10]

my divorce is now on its way - Nisi was received early september but have had to wait for info about his police pension and thats only just come through to enable the financial order to be done and the absolute to be applied for. We have been amicable and thought we had a simple and straightforward divorce but it will still cost us around £3000 - on the plus side, he has been ordered to pay half of solicitors costs cos he didnt bother with his own solicitor.

My advice would always be to use a solicitor but decide before hand (between you and your dickhead husband if possible) what you want to happen - although your solicitor should be working for you they will try and persuade you to 'try' for more - thats where they get their money. If you present them with a 'this is what weve decided' its easier to keep the costs down

of course, i'm speaking from the point of view of someone who is lucky to have an amicable split, with a reasonable man and older teenage children so no worries about access etc.

[DinxP]

Thanks for your message Blobby10 - children shouldn't be an issue, he has said they should stay with me as long as he can still see them - not sure to what extent that will be; the older 2 will probably dictate to him when they want to visit, the youngest (7) is very much attached to me at the moment, but I'm sure that will change as he gets older. Husband says he wants to be amicable, but then acts differently. He's very Jekyll and Hyde! I really don't know what a reasonable settlement should be - there's substantial equity in the house (if it sells), but if it's split 50/50 there's no way I can afford a home big enough for me and 3 children; I'm only working part time at the moment, so I don't think I'm a good prospect for a mortgage lender - I should be able to get more hours eventually at work, but that won't help straight away. We are still just using our joint bank account at the moment, so there is still a fair bit of trust there! Sometimes I feel like he's trying to trip me up over some issues - or is it just paranoia ?! He seems to act like it's all a big game, while I struggle with the emotion of it all - I'm dealing with all the estate agents, which is gutting as this is my family home of the last 13 years...he's not made one phone call, researched the internet or anything with regard to the house or divorce, yet he's the one who instigated it! Grr, rant over!!

[Blobby10]

DinxP please go and consult a solicitor - maybe you wont have to split the house 50/50 if the children are staying with you. He will also have to pay towards their upkeep (although this is a crap amount imo!!)

We decided that I would get the house in return for not making a claim on his pension when he retires next year. Solicitor wanted me to look into claiming on the pension but I felt the house would be a better bet! Plus it kept everything amicable.

Good luck xx