Overwhelmed by split. Trying to get past the initial nightmare stage! Help!

(8 Posts)
Totesoverwhelmed Sat 24-Sep-16 21:51:28

Hey there mumsnet. I've never posted before, but have lurked plenty. Hello!

I've just split from DH, a month ago. I say split, I've told him over and over and over that we are finished, but he just won't accept it.

He has been a total d**k for years (we've been together for 18) - fluctuating between cheating on me and mad unfounded sexual jealousy (waking me up in the early hours to ask who I've been sleeping with - erm, no one). I've never been unfaithful. Then just loads of low level EA I don't need to go into.

So, I'm just having a nightmare extricating myself from him. I'm trying to make it ok for the kids, have suggested we spend half time in the house with them initially, so they have stability, until we sort out what's happened next. But it's just a nightmare! He's crying constantly, in front of kids. I'm trying to hold things together, but he's a complete mess. I want to be totally fair, but tonight my 13yo DS was crying at me that he didn't want dad back and me to go because he's always crying and needs him (DS) to look after the smaller ones.

Such a mess. I'm being rigorously positive about dad to the kids, but he won't accept that he isn't emotionally ready to look after them, and I'm worried about leaving them with him. A few days ago he had the kids and I was staying at a friends nearby, he left them alone with 13yoin the morning and came and cried and begged on the doorstep, followed by a meltdown, so I headed home to be the adult, sort stressed out kids out and get them ready and off to school.

I just want to shake him. Whatever we're going through, be a freaking parent! Don't know what to do really. What a mess. Any words of wisdom?!

MrsBertBibby Sat 24-Sep-16 22:53:59

Sorry, but stop messing about and look after your poor kids.

user1474193901 Sun 25-Sep-16 18:49:11

Definitely focus on your children. He does not deserve you attention if there was EA and affairs. He can sort himself out, your children are your priority. They need you to be strong and see this though. Clarity of a decision of what you're going to do will help them enormously. Dithering over leaving will only serve to confuse them and make them feel really insecure. Sit down and construct yourself a plan of action. It will give you strength to have a focus. Good luck

HeddaGarbled Mon 26-Sep-16 08:48:27

You've tried 50 50 and it isn't working right now so you need to think again. Can he/will he move out?

juneau Mon 26-Sep-16 08:54:20

I agree - get him out of your house, don't let him back in to visit the kids, and then focus on your DC. They need you. He's an adult. He must deal with this himself. Seeing parents crying and falling apart is disastrous for kids. Tell him he can see them when he's pulled himself together, but that behaving like a baby and bawling his eyes out in front of them is simply not on and until he can control his emotions you don't want him to see them.

hermione2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 09:11:27

Does he have a close family who he can get support from?maybe someone who he will listen too.Does he have anywhere to go? I would suggest he sees a GP as maybe depressed but your priority must be the children and be there for them.

Broken record technique might work here, "it's over please could you move out"

LewisAH16 Wed 12-Oct-16 03:15:29

Hi, that's an interesting point re him not being emotionally ready. I've just thrown by husband out for sexting (most likely cheating) with his work colleague. I discovered it all in April, confronted him, he minimised it saying only a couple over last few weeks (had only seen a few graphic photos SMS at this point). Despite agreeing to stop and get help for ED I caught him again at the w/e confiscated his phone and threw him out (after pretending to call the police when he got aggressive). So here we are. I'm devestated, confused and scared for our children (9&5). He's now with his brother and have we met a couple of times trying to get some answers. There has so far been no acceptance he'/s been caught (i went into deep trash in email and found most of the story bar the sms which he'd deleted after April). I am worried he will soon wake up to what is happening and may harm himself or get aggressive with me. I take some solace in that i threw him out and i definitely recommend it but he can legally come back any time as we own the house together. It was our 10th year anniversary in April so I don't know , perhaps this is all a MLC or something?

juneau Wed 12-Oct-16 12:57:08

Get legal advice Lewis. It doesn't really matter whether its MLC or not, if your relationship is over then the spoils of your marriage will need to be divided up so you can both move on and if your home is jointly owned then a decision will need to made it, your DC and your other finances.

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