Threatening to cheat on me and blaming me for it

(19 Posts)
eskimomama Fri 16-Sep-16 18:24:02

Hi,
I usually post on the SN forum as my DD has autism.
My couple is breaking apart and since last night I think there is a crack that can't be mended, at least not by myself alone.
DD's autism has put a huge pressure on us over the past 5 years, her sleep problems combined with DH's extremely sensitive sleep meant we've been sleeping in separate beds for 5 years, apart from the odd times (holidays, visitors). He never, ever got up at night for her, even when she was a baby.

Over the past 2 years he's been blaming me for neglecting him, he keeps saying "we have no life, no sex, nothing". He's the breadwinner as I had to stop working to care for DD, and he pretty much does nothing at all with her (5 min a day on the trampoline if she begs him really hard). I'm knackered and I wish he could just respect me more for doing all the parenting work (he considers it as an extra job - and his job is soooo tiring and stressful already). He finds spending time with DD boring, he prefers watching TV or doing the dishes.

Last night he started talking about a colleague of his, married with a young child, who started an affair at work, and he pretty much blamed his wife for causing it to happen (because they have no sex life, without any evidence of it). And quickly the conversation turned to our own issues and he said it would be justified if he had an affair. That fulfilling sex needs are the most important thing for a human being. (despite the fact I'm tired and worried for DD all the time and he doesn't want sex during the week as he can't sleep afterwards... so we have sex about twice a month? not enough for him)

Then he started talking about his ex (15 + years ago...) who was bisexual (as well as a rich, superficial and hot Asian princess, ie the total opposite of me wink ), and he said he was happy about it when she went to sleep with girls when they were together.... I was like wtf?!?
Then he went on to say monogamous relationships are just "a social construct" and blah blah blah.
He didn't realise he shocked me with his rude, insensitive comments.
I said I thought cheating is cheating, and that it's disrespectful and humiliating and breaking families and how can he not agree with that?

This happened after a terrible day with DD when she cried most of the day. I was just beyond shocked - am I unreasonable to be shocked?

He could see that i was hurt, but never apologised. I sent him a message today saying how unfair, shocking and unjustified his comments were... never got an apology. Tonight he could see that I've been crying, and absolutely no comment about it.

Is he just becoming a prick? Is he pushing me for a breakup? I'm completely dependent on him financially, and I want DD to have a father (she loves him, even though he's not a great dad with her)
His mother is a narcissist, and I'm afraid he's becoming one too - ie very little hope.

I basically want to know if he has indeed pushed the limit way too far, or if I'm unreasonable to think so...?? Does it sound like breakup is the only way forward?

AnyFucker Fri 16-Sep-16 18:26:42

I would not be surprised if he is already cheating

That "monogamy is a social construct" is very telling, I think

If he hasn't done the deed yet, he has someone lined up for that favour

Mark my words

I would invite him to fuck right off

"Becoming a prick"?

He's been an utter cock for 5 years!!!

He's a dreadful father, dreadful partner and a total arsehole.

You deserve better flowersflowersflowers

LillyInTheMoon Fri 16-Sep-16 18:35:41

I would invite him to fuck right off

Absolutely this. Hes just trying to justify the affair he's either already having or is planning to start. And he's already blaming you for it.

You and your daughter deserve much better flowers

Arfarfanarf Fri 16-Sep-16 18:41:33

he's fucking about and trying to convince himself he isn't a total shit by shifting blame onto you.

He's a real prize.

His child has sn and he doesn't give a shit.

Your daughter would still have a father even if he wasn't in a relationship with you.

Unless you are saying that he is also one of those awful men whose relationship with their child is conditional on them having their feet under the mother's table.

I know it is extremely hard when you have a child with sn (I have two, I do understand) but what does he actually do other than bring money? You say he basically cannot be arsed with his child.

Money can be sorted. DLA, carers allowance, tax credits, etc.

You don't have to put up with this treatment.

emilywemily Fri 16-Sep-16 18:44:59

LEAVE THE BASTARD

P1nkP0ppy Fri 16-Sep-16 18:50:13

What a frigging bastard!
I am speechless.

eskimomama Fri 16-Sep-16 19:01:13

thanks all for the quick replies. I felt so alone today.
I was so much in love with him all these years and now I'm subjected to this kind of comments... typical narcissist too I think (making you question yourself if you've maybe caused the issues)

AnyFucker Fri 16-Sep-16 19:05:17

You have not.

Memoires Fri 16-Sep-16 19:45:40

LTB, kick him out at least.

Tell him you need space to think and that space has to not have him in it for a few weeks.

How are your finances organised? Do yoy have full access or does he give you a few crumbs now and then?

You have been caring for your dd alone anyway, how much is his absence going to effect you?

Fidelia Sat 17-Sep-16 10:30:13

H'es probably cheating already and trying to encourage you to do the same so that he feels better about himself

eskimomama Sat 17-Sep-16 13:40:50

I confronted him last night and he had no idea how much he had shocked me. He couldn't even remember what he said. I asked him how can he not even realise when he's saying such upsetting, rude things to me. I said I was even more shocked that he was totally unapologetic about it. I asked him about what he wants, and if he wanted to go back to that "bisexual, open relationship" status he had with his ex of 15 years ago. He said no. He said he never cheated. I said I'll never tolerate this, so if that's what he wants now or thinks that's what he'll want in future, we should break up now and stop wasting each other's lives. He said he didn't want to break up, but he wants "more".

I've known for a while there is no point asking forcing him to spend more time with DD. He does love her, just can't be arsed to spend quality time with her, let alone enjoy his time with her. As soon as she gets agitated he has enough. Which we talked about too. He has a tendency to forget that autism is the core of all our problems.

So I said I can't take all the blame for the "no life situation", and blaming me for whatever will certainly not make me feel like doing anything at all with him - I will always prefer going to bed early than having an argument about the horribleness of our lives until midnight!
He thinks we're in a case of "he wants to "verbalise his frustrations" and that yes, he might hurt me with his words, but I keep silent too much and silence hurts more than words". I believe the opposite, and I believe in respectful relationships, and that shouting rude things will always be worse.

Anyway, I've asked that when he comes from work, he keeps his complaining/blaming/rude comments for himself, and maybe I'll be more willing to organise babysitting once or twice a month (which is very complicated and he knows that). I asked for more empathy, and that he never, ever mentions his ex(es) to me again. He said he doesn't like the man he has become lately. But I'm waiting to see if he will really try.

eskimomama Sat 17-Sep-16 13:46:40

memoires the finances are a bit tricky. His salary goes to his personal account and he sends some of it to our joint account every month (we figured out the monthly expenses and he doesn't want to transfer more). I have access to his credit card for online payments but not to his online banking. If we were to break up I don't think he'll leave me with nothing but I have to hear quite frequently that it's "his money", and that he's "the one who pays for the house". As if it was my choice not to contribute financially.

I really need to find some kind of part time/freelance work to ensure some income security for myself.

SandyY2K Mon 19-Sep-16 22:01:04

So you gave up work to look after DD and you really don't have access to money now. Because it's HIS. That's not good. He says you choose not to contribute towards the house, but what options were available for DDs care? If you went back to work?

How is any of this fair on you?
When do you get a break from her?

You're just like a single parent with a husband. Yes he pays the bills, but what about moral support. Help with his daughter.

You're the one with DD every day ... when do you have respite.

Does he realise he'd have a lot less money if you split up.

Memoires Tue 20-Sep-16 08:12:58

You don't need to findpt work. You need a dh who acknowledges that he would be completely unable to work if his wife wasn't busy all day looking after his child. His money is earned by both of you, not him alone.

What you need is for him to have what he earns paid into a joint account for which you are both responsible. If he truly saw you as a team, a family, a partnership, he would do it this way. Earnings into joint account, bills and necessities paid from it, then any spare left divided equally between you.

Why does he not want to do that? Doesn't he trust you?

PacificOcean Tue 20-Sep-16 08:17:58

He doesn't value your role at all. His words and actions and attitude to finances all prove this. And yet he should be able to admit how hard it is, given that he can't do it for even 5 minutes! Does he honestly not realise how sexist and hypocritical he is being?

leaveittothediva Tue 20-Sep-16 09:14:30

Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm getting the vibe from you that you would prefer to sweep things under the carpet, not say the things that need to be said, then you get off the hook with dealing with any of the issues between you. He's said plenty. All of it outrageous. You in return have asked him not to say any more mean and hurtful things and then you may organize a babysitter for once or twice a month. He's already not happy with twice a month, he says he wants more. So at the moment you are addressing nothing. You have to decide what you want. You need respite from your child, I'm guessing it's all consuming, so no wonder you have no energy for anything else really. I'm not being funny, but this can't be all you want. I'm getting to him now, he's a complete twat, because he said all these nasty things during a conversation, not in the heat of a full blown argument, which suggests to me that this was calculated, bringing up the Asian Princess, I'm guessing she dumped him, the guy that had the affair because of no sex, etc., He remembers exactly what he said, so call him out on that bullshit. I think he is suggesting that he get what he wants elsewhere, and you get on with it. He's seeing that as your role, as he's clearly checked out where your child is concerned. I f*****g love these dads that say oh I love my kid, but do sweet F**k all with regards to hands on help. He's a person that has a sense of entitlement. He thinks, I work all day, I don't have to do anything else. You are doing an amazing job, your too frazzled for this at present, you need a break, and to get some breathing space from both your child and him. You can't think straight in this position. Hope this is of some value. That's all I've got.

BombadierFritz Tue 20-Sep-16 09:20:08

if you are married, you might be better off divorced if he is stashing all his spare cash away and not letting you access it. he actually sounds really horrible sad

CocktailQueen Tue 20-Sep-16 09:28:32

extremely sensitive sleep
He never, ever got up at night for her, even when she was a baby.
he doesn't want sex during the week as he can't sleep afterwards... so we have sex about twice a month? not enough for him)
he pretty much does nothing at all with her (5 min a day on the trampoline if she begs him really hard). I'm knackered and I wish he could just respect me more for doing all the parenting

What a useless lazy twat. The only reason he can continue working is because you are looking after his dd. He sounds awful, OP - I think you'd be happier without him.

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