What custody do you share for children

(19 Posts)
Tingatingatale Thu 15-Sep-16 21:16:41

I left my h earlier this year. We have two children 5 and 7. He straight away said he wanted 50/50 custody and has them Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Five months in the kids are saying they are not liking this and I don't blame them. He will not communicate with me at all so cannot discuss this with him at all

What arrangements do you have? I am interested to know how regular or irregular our set up is

Thanks in advance

notagainnellie Fri 16-Sep-16 21:34:58

We have been separated 2 years now and since he got his own place 6 months ago he has them every other weekend (Sat am - Sun teatime. He can't do overnights on Sundays as he has band rehearsal hmm ); Monday nights, every other Tuesday for tea and every other Friday for tea. I suppose there isn't too much coming and going for the dc, and they always complain about being with me (in their family home) because he lets them on screen all the time and doesn't enforce chores etc.

Maybe you should look at consecutive days rather than every other day as it would give them some continuity. Does he get any weekend time with them at all? It's very hard and if he won't speak, could you email him but also look at making it all more official?

Shodan Sat 17-Sep-16 00:22:02

STBXH and I separated a few months ago.

Currently I have ds2 (8) from Sunday evening through to Thursday evening. Then STBXH has him for the weekend.

BUT.

This is a very flexible arrangement. For instance, I have ds2 now and until Sunday morning, because I've been away since Saturday. Bank holidays are worked on what ds2 fancies, what plans we might have etc. If ds2 wants to spend all or some of a weekend with me, then he can.

It works only because STBXH and I are determined that ds2 will suffer as little as possible from our break up. STBXH is living with his parents and they have redone a bedroom just for ds2. They are equally committed to easing the situation.

I would also suggest trying to get him to agree to consecutive days- it must be very unsettling for the children to be shuttling backwards and forwards like that. Have you consulted a solicitor for a divorce? If so, get them to send a letter. If not, perhaps try a Citizens' Advice bureau or similar for some advice.

Fourormore Sun 18-Sep-16 11:44:40

That's a lot of changing. The children are still quite young and it's still early days. Have they said what they don't like about it? I'd imagine they'd still be hoping you'd get back together at this stage.

My ex collects our children from school on Friday and either has them til Sat morning or Sun evening on an alternate week basis. Works really well for us.

Fourormore Sun 18-Sep-16 11:45:43

*collects them from school on a Wednesday, not Friday!

Tingatingatale Sun 18-Sep-16 17:38:39

Thank you

My eldest is especially finding it hard work going every other day. He is happy to go for longer periods so doing 4 days in a row would work for him. Problem is my 5 year old is saying that would be too long for him.

I need to get xh to talk to me but he won't

Eldest son is also under the impression he needs to choose one of us to live with and then visit the other at the moment sad. Can't talk him out of this. Yesterday it was his dad he was going to live with. Today he wants to live with me. He is totally confused however many times I talk to him.

intheBondiBubble Mon 19-Sep-16 04:49:14

We currently work DS4 picked up Wednesday night by his dad and he stays there until Saturday afternoon when he comes home to me from Saturday through to Wednesday.
We try to keep this consistent but for example I had a concert Saturday so he kept him another night, we have long weekend coming up and are going away so I'll have him from Friday instead of Saturday.
Consecutive days are really key for small children, good luck, it does get easier smile

WiltingTulip Mon 19-Sep-16 04:54:37

50:50 since they were younger than yours. We're also very flexible about extra days/nights if things come up. Dcs are fine.

WiltingTulip Mon 19-Sep-16 04:56:29

Sorry, forgot to add consecutive days here too. Maybe try phone called/skype for awhile?

Desmondo2016 Wed 28-Sep-16 21:29:53

I think you probably should avoid including the children in any conversations about it or ask them too often. They are probably really confused anyway. Personally i think every other day sounds over complex and far too much swopping. We used to do 5 days each at a time which worked, then when our son was older we did full weeks swopping on a Monday. worked perfectly and amicably for years and years and then ExH decided to go to find himself in a camper van across Europe so now I have 100% and he doesn't even have contact. Muppet!

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 21:43:23

The arrangement should meet the needs of the children. I think that changing houses every day it is NOT fair on them at all, they have no time to settle down before they had to go again. It will also be difficult to keep as the kids get older and different school books are needed every day and the children want t spend more time with their friends.

We agreed for DS to be at his dad's on Wednesdays and alternate weekends from Friday after school to Monday morning (all the pickups/drop offs at the school removed quite a bit of the friction). His dad also picked him up to take the school everyday for the first couple of years.

I think the agreement worked beautifully until we stopped communicating. I suppose that if you cannot talk to each other ANY contact agreement will be difficult for everyone.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do if he doesn't want to talk to you, so if the children do not seem to settle, don't be afraid to challenge the current agreement.

Lilacpink40 Wed 28-Sep-16 21:44:03

My ex helps for brief activities. Taking DCs to sports groups, having them during the day Sat or Sun to suit him. I've said it's not enough, but he has GF (was OW) and she's his priority.

It's hard as I get tired being on evening and night duty every night. (He's had them twice overnight over 8-9 mth.)

Desmondo I sympathise as your not even getting that.

OP I'd rather have my too full on situation than yours and can understand why you and DCs are fed-up. It must feel very unstable. Could you speak with DCs teachers to see if they also think it's not working?
Maybe he'll listen if it's affecting their education.

Would every other weekend and consecutive week days be better?

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 21:48:40

And yes, listen to the children but do not give them the option to choose as they wouldn't like to be caught in the middle of their parents' disagreements.

sunnysidesucks Thu 29-Sep-16 17:20:51

I have a 50/50 arrangement but different to yours;

monday & tuesday nights with me
wednesday & thursday nights with ex
Fri/Sat/Sun - alternate weekends

I collect from school on Wed/Thurs and come home for a snack and get stuff etc, then drop to their dad. So I still see them, which was important to me. I wanted 60/40.

It does sometimes feel like a lot of back and forward. Have been doing it for 4 years.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Thu 29-Sep-16 17:53:28

That does sound annoying for the DCs. I'm all for 50/50 where possible, but back and forth like a yoyo does not sound like fun. Either 3/4 days at a time, or one week on one week off.

Mine complain enough about the upheaval once a week for a night or two. Any more often and there would be uproar. My ex works shifts so I just get one night off whenever it happens to work for him. Not ideal for me or the DCs, but we take what we can.

Your ex needs to think of the DCs and find out what would work best for them. He is being unreasonable (I know this isn't AIBU but he IS!)

YerAWizardHarry Thu 29-Sep-16 17:59:32

We try for 50/50 but ex does shift work (Police) and it doesn't always work that way. We don't do back and forth though unless ex is day shift and I'm day off so I'll have DS during the day

myfriendnigel Thu 29-Sep-16 18:07:07

I have mine 4 nights ex has them 3. He always has them Wednesday and Friday and then either Saturday or Sunday (alternate weeks). Means we both get a weekend day with them, important as we both work full time and don't see them for that long after or before schooler are flexible about swapping days where needed.

Notapodling Thu 29-Sep-16 18:14:55

We do 50:50 with our six year old. xH has him Sat evening to Wednesday morning, then I collect from childminder Wed evening.
This has been since March and is working very well for us. I agree with the other posters. Day on day off sounds too disruptive.
It can be a long time for a young child to be separated from one parent but we implemented a 'you can call Daddy/Mummy' any time you want if you miss them policy and if he says he misses one of us, we suggest calling.
He's only done it a few times but I think just having the option is reassuring.

Tingatingatale Sun 02-Oct-16 23:15:44

Thanks all for your replies

Communication between me and exh has completely broken down. He doesn't even acknowledge me at drop offs. I am going to see if he will agree to mediation and suggest another contact arrangement as the current one is not fair

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