Partners ex insistant on joining our family do!

(70 Posts)
Stepyodaddy Wed 14-Sep-16 09:58:38

Weird situation. Not sure where to post this but thought this may be the most appropriate section.

My partner gets on with her ex enough so they can be civil (most of the time). She quite dislikes him for a number of reasons and has no desire whatsoever to socialise with him but she’s pleasant and civil.

I get on with him as much as I'm civil and polite when I come in contact with him. He’s not my kind of person so I also have no desire to socialise with him.

It's my step daughters 5th birthday in a couple of weeks. We've arranged to go out after school to a pottery painting place and then go for a meal. Myself, my partner, her parents, bother and sister, the kids……etc.

Her ex then announced the other day that he had been invited by his daughter and what time was the meal! My partner told him that it’s a family affair for her immediate family and he isn’t invited as it will make the whole thing massively awkward for everyone. He replied that his daughter had invited him so he will be there. My partner told him that it isn’t their daughters place to invite people as she is 5 years old and doesn’t understand the dynamics of our family and that he should have discussed it with her before saying he would come. She made it very clear he wasn’t invited and isn’t welcome. He’s insistent upon coming.

What are your thoughts on this situation? There have been a few occasions where he’s disregarded their parenting plan and ignored my partners wishes.

Arfarfanarf Wed 14-Sep-16 10:14:28

He is the child's father, right?

Why wouldn't he want to be part of a celebration for her birthday?

And how much more immediate family can the father of the person whose birthday it is be?

With respect, he's more immediate family to the child than you are.

This is about the child. She wants her daddy at her birthday.

You have no right to try to cut him out of that.

It is unfair to his daughter.

And yes, she's five. And it's her birthday. And she wants her immediate family there.

That would be her mum and her dad.

That's not unreasonable.

The parents need to be grown up about this and co parent appropriately.

This is a celebration for the child. It is entirely appropriate that her parents should come together to put her first.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Wed 14-Sep-16 10:18:43

Sometimes you have to suck it up OP. The bigger person in you should behave cordially and welcome him in for your SD's sake. He is her father after all. As close a relation as her mother.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Wed 14-Sep-16 10:20:17

Tell him he needs to be arranging his own celebration for dd birthday. And tell dd she gets 2 birthdays from now on.

Seeyouontheotherside Wed 14-Sep-16 10:26:50

It's important that her father is there, she wouldn't care if you were there or not, she needs and wants her daddy at her birthday. Of course he should be welcomed. He is her family. How dare you and your ex tell him he is not.

Whether you and your partner like it or not, he is joint with mommy in her affections and would feel that he abandoned her if he wasn't there.

Grow up and recognise that it's not all about you and your partner. The most important person here is a soon to be five year old child. What happened between the parents is irrelevant. She wants her daddy on her birthday, he wants to be there for her, stop being so nasty and spiteful.

Stepyodaddy Wed 14-Sep-16 10:28:05

This sin't from my perspective. It's my partner that doesn't want him there. He's made life very difficult for her and been extremely nasty to her and she has no desire to be in his company.

ThatStewie Wed 14-Sep-16 10:29:47

Did the relationship end due to domestic violence? If so, he shouldn't be there.

If there is no history of violence or controlling behaviour, then it would be beneficial for the little girl to have both her parents there. You could suggest he do a similar meal with his extended family so she gets two birthday parties but she's only 5 and she doesn't understand why her parents don't get on.

Frogers Wed 14-Sep-16 10:34:09

Fuck that! He should be making his own arrangements to celebrate with his daughter. Under no circumstances would I give him the details times/places of your plans.

ICanCountToOneHundred Wed 14-Sep-16 10:35:02

she wouldn't care if you were there or not, while I agree that the little girl wants her Daddy there. I find that a bit harsh, for all we know she may love Step Father very much.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 14-Sep-16 10:37:42

I hate my ex. But if my son wanted him at his birthday then I'd suck it up.

Solasum Wed 14-Sep-16 10:38:18

The happiest blended families in my experience are those where the parents are able to put aside their own differences for what the child wants for special occasions. The birthday girl wants her dad there, to me that is all that matters.

cexuwaleozbu Wed 14-Sep-16 10:39:24

Can't you big up how amazing it is to be allowed two birthday celebrations because she gets one celebration with mummy and all mummy's side of the family and another celebration with daddy and his side?

5 year olds don't get to be in charge of events.

Ex-partners do not get to spoil family gatherings.

I disagree that it's "her" (5yo's) party. It is a family gathering for the family to mark the 5yo's birthday and the ex is no longer part of that family. If it was "her" (5yo's) party there would be a lot more friends from school/preschool and a lot fewer relatives!

GoblinLittleOwl Wed 14-Sep-16 10:46:10

She's five and she wants her father at her birthday.
As you are all civil and polite to each other surely you can manage a pottery party and meal for the sake of the child's birthday. Does this include friends her own age?
Be prepared for Christmas though.

Stepyodaddy Wed 14-Sep-16 10:47:10

Yes it most definitely isn't her party. It's a family meal with our side of the family just to do something on her actual birthday.

She is having her actual birthday party in a few weeks and it would make more sense for him to come to that if he wanted to and it would not be awkward as there are many friends and family there.

Solasum Wed 14-Sep-16 10:49:19

has he been told about the party?

Stepyodaddy Wed 14-Sep-16 10:54:02

Yes he knows about the party. That would be a much better environment to celebrate her birthday.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 14-Sep-16 10:54:13

Yes it most definitely isn't her party. It's a family meal with our side of the family just to do something on her actual birthday.

There is not a 5 year old on the planet that you could convince this wasn't "their" birthday dinner if it's happening on their birthday, because of their birthday. She is 5, it's her birthday, to her, it's her birthday dinner and she wants her dad there.

Mrsx3 Wed 14-Sep-16 11:17:25

I don't understand the problem if your ex and you are civil. If you can all make an effort to be civil at pick ups and drop off etc then surely you can do it for the little girls birthday?

I appreciate its not ideal for you and your ex but thats the joys of being a divorced parent.

Whiskwarrior Wed 14-Sep-16 11:23:02

What Arf said in the first reply.

That little girl will always remember when Daddy wasn't allowed to come to her birthday party, whether you see it as 'for her' or not.

gillybeanz Wed 14-Sep-16 11:27:18

I think the Dad should organise his own celebration with his dd tbh, that's what happens when parents break up surely?
Why would you pretend to be good friends and the dd will see that the atmosphere isn't right, kids aren't stupid.

He is more immediate family than you OP, so even though I don't think he should go, you really need to butt out. It really is nothing to do with you and none of your business.

WhiteDraig Wed 14-Sep-16 11:28:58

She is having her actual birthday party in a few weeks

I find that extremely odd for a five year old - their concept of time is very different to an adults so I would have thought a weekend either side of actual date at most would be the norm. Otherwise I can see that the 5 year old would assume the dinner is "hers".

Next year make the party close to the birthday - then Dad could attend more easily or make very clear to all, ex and DD, he is to do his own thing.

It's possible ex doesn't want to upset his DD by not attending what she views as "her" celebration - and get painted as the bad guy rather than just be awkward for the sake of it.

WhiteDraig Wed 14-Sep-16 11:32:39

I think the Dad should organise his own celebration with his dd tbh, that's what happens when parents break up surely?

Think it depends I think alot of families do that but I also been to big class parties usually in KS1 and nursery age where divorce parents and both side of family are present with lots of other people round as well.

dowhatnow Wed 14-Sep-16 11:34:41

Let him come to the pottery painting then he goes home. Little girl gets her dad there for some of it and you get your family meal. Tell her he will be at her actual party when it happens but he is not invited to the meal because he doesn't live with you anymore..

Crystal15 Wed 14-Sep-16 11:41:00

I think if the daughter has invited him and your all civil then what's the problem? Surely the child should be able to celebrate with all the parents.

Mummydummy Wed 14-Sep-16 11:45:38

Entirely agree with Arf.
I'd always invite XH to a birthday party or celebration - as their father he is my DC's family! This has gone on for 8 years and even though it might have been hard in the first year or so it is now amicable, pleasant, fun even. Its showing your DC's that you can do whats kindest and best for them. Because its about them. I dont think Dad's should be kicked out of these important moments - I'd certainly not put new partners ahead of them.

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